God Hates Cleveland Sports

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2009-10-30T15:05:00.003-04:00

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2009-07-29T16:34:00.000-04:00

... for Cliff Lee trade info: http://tribeball.com/

2009-05-31T11:27:00.003-04:00

Not so super, man

Sheesh, even Superman has to leave Cleveland to have a chance at a championship.

It's fitting that in the finale of the Eastern Conference Finals, Orlando Magic center Dwight "Superman" Howard turned in the signature performance of the series: 40 points, 14 rebounds, four assists, all while swatting away Cavs post players like they were merely Lex Luthor's henchmen. Clevelanders might have created Superman in 1932, but Dwight Howard co-opted the name and the cape and used his powers against us in 2009.

Here's hoping Dan Gilbert already signed that deal with the Chinese. Those investors might be having second thoughts after watching the Cavs go silently into that good night against the Orlando Magic Saturday night, bowing out in Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals. If the Chinese thought that 2009 would be the Year of the LeBron, well, welcome to Cleveland.

Call this one The Disappointment. Best regular-season record, league MVP in LeBron James, Coach of the Year in Mike Brown, home-court advantage, all meaningless. Just a giant setup for another Cleveland sports heartbreak. Sad thing is it's not even all that original. Two years ago the Indians posted the American League's best record, had one of the league's best players in Cy Young CC Sabathia, and had the Coach of the Year in Eric Wedge. They wound up on the doorstep of the World Series as well, locked out with the door slammed in their face.

Hey, but at least they've all still got those trophies. Three teams, one goal, one sad city.

This one even tarnished King James' crown a little bit. LeBron left the court without shaking hands with the Magic, then leaving Orlando's Amway Arena without talking to the media. Until he shares his thoughts we can only speculate that he's a couple steps closer to walking out on us. Jay-Z follows him around like a college basketball coach at a CYO game, trying to convince LeBron to move to New York City and join the Brooklyn Nets when the team opens a new arena in a few years. With our insecurities we'll be thinking that LeBron's mad at his coach for not finding a way to counter Orlando's three-point shooters, at Mo Williams for turning into a pumpkin in the playoffs, at Zydrunas Ilgauskus for not being able to find any Kryptonite, at Cleveland for being, well, Cleveland. Maybe, like us, he's thinking that his team just got exposed and the only way to fix it is to find a new team in a new city.

One that God doesn't hate.

2009-05-30T23:22:00.001-04:00

God Hates Cleveland Sports hates this guy

2009-05-29T20:07:00.003-04:00

While we all know that God hates Cleveland sports -- and we here know it better than anyone else -- there's no sense in being mean about it. There's no sense in showing us The Shot, The Fumble, and the 1997 World Series all in one clip, with play-by-play from the events.

There's no need to remind us that we haven't won anything since before the Cavaliers were even a glimmer in Nick Mileti's eyes.

There's no need to steal the name of this blog for evil use. There really isn't.

Figures the guy who made this is a Boston fan. Boston fans think the sports universe dates back to 2001. Boston fans think sports were invented just to give them something to do. Boston fans think Red Sox Nation extends beyond Worcester.

Cleveland fans used to have something in common with Boston fans. We suffered our fates. We stoically endured our teams' miserable failures and vowed to get 'em again next year, every year. We named our sports failures. We hugged our fathers and grandfathers and vowed that we would enjoy a championship with them by our sides, someday.

Then the Patriots became a dynasty. Then the Red Sox shook off their curse. Then the Celtics stole Kevin Garnett from the Minnesota Timberwolves. And Boston fans became more annoying than head lice.

Let's make a pact. If LeBron James can carry the Cavs to a title this year, Cleveland fans should vow to never become miserable winners like Boston fans have become. Hell, if any Cleveland team can win any championship ever that should be our vow. Cleveland fans have standards, and the newest one should be we'd rather be losers in Cleveland than miserable winners in Boston. At least that way we could still live with ourselves.

2009-05-29T10:06:00.013-04:00

So far, so good

Boy, is that LeBron James good.

So good that he amazed Cleveland native and Sports Illustrated columnist Joe Posnanski by becoming the first player to put up a triple double with at least a dozen points, rebounds, and assists in NBA playoff history as the Cavs won Game 5 of the Eastern Conference Finals against the Orland Magic Thursday night, 112-102. LeBron scored or assisted on 32 consecutive Cavalier points starting late in the third quarter, shades of his 25 straight points against the Detroit Pistons in, uh, Game 5 of the 2007 Eastern Conference Finals.

So good that he can make everyone forget that the Cavs choked away yet another huge first-half lead against the Magic, the third time in three home games his team accomplished that feat. Leads of 16, 23, and 22 points have vanished faster than the value of a home in Cleveland over the past year.

So good that it doesn't even matter that Coach of the Year Mike Brown doesn't know what to do other than say to LeBron, "Here's the ball, big fella." (Come to think of it, maybe that's actually what the Coach of the Year should do, recognize his team's best chance of winning and get out of the way.)

So good that he can make sports fans in a snakebitten city actually believe they can win a series in which their team has blown three sizeable leads in home games, needed a miraculous shot to even stay alive, and fell into a hole in which only eight teams in history and Baby Jessica have emerged unscathed.

That's how good LeBron James is. Good enough to wrest a city's angst onto his shoulders ala Atlas and carry it into Game 6 Saturday night on the road in Orlando. Good enough to make us think that the clouds will part, the sun will come out, birds will sing, flowers will bloom, and God will smile down upon Cleveland.

Yeah, he's that good.

2009-05-28T15:17:00.004-04:00

You say there's still a chance?

Who would have thought at the end of April that by the end of May the Indians would have a better chance of winning the World Series than the Cavs do of winning the NBA Finals?

It's sad, but it's true. It's also Cleveland.

With the Cavs standing on the edge of the cliff as they enter tonight's Game 5 of the Eastern Conference Finals down 3-1 against the Orlando Magic, LeBron James has about as much chance of making a dunk in next week's NBA Finals as he does of getting hemorrhoids. No, really, he does -- about a 4.4% chance for either one.

Now, there's still a better chance that LeBron makes the NBA Finals than of him cutting himself shaving today (.01%) or of hurting himself while tooling around on his Cub Cadet (.027%) or of catching a foul ball at a Tribe game while wearing a Yankees hat (.17%), but only because the chances of those things happening are more remote than the North Pole.

Meanwhile, Baseball Prospectus's postseason odds report gives the Indians a 17.8% chance of winning the AL Central. And that's before today's game, which they are leading

Cleveland fans can take solace in the fact that one of the eight teams (out of 182) to have blown a 3-1 NBA series lead was the Orlando Magic. Cleveland fans cannot take solace in the fact that it was the 2003 Orlando Magic, whose only connection to to today's edition is the logo. Heck, that team even featured Shawn Kemp, playing his final season. They also won just 42 games and snuck into the playoffs as a No. 8 seed. They were eventually worn down by the top-seeded and eventual NBA champion Detroit Pistons.

In fact, four of the teams that came back from 3-1 deficits did eventually win the NBA title. So there's that to look forward to if the Cavs do buck the odds. Yeah, a sports championship to look forward to in Cleveland. That and 500 straight sunny days.

Instead, when the morning light comes, we might have to grab hold of that 17.8% chance the Indians have of winning the division like it's the last lifejacket and our boat's going down in the middle of Lake Erie. Because it is. And who would have believed that a month ago, when the Indians were finishing April with an 8-14 record -- hey, they have a losing record for May, too! -- while the Cavs were resting after a sweep of the Pistons.

No one was thinking about living in Cleveland then. They sure are now.

What They're Saying

2009-05-23T15:38:00.007-04:00

As Lebron James said after his game-winning miracle against the Orlando Magic Friday night, a second is a long time.

Long enough to watch Cleveland's collective sports history flash before our eyes. Long enough to remember that the last-second crushing defeat was practically invented in Cleveland, with a long line of losses stretching back more than 50 years.

And long enough to erase it all.

National sportswriter Jay Mariotti captures the city's sports zeigeist with his Fanhouse column, calling LeBron's shot, "Cleveland's middle finger to the world." The Plain Dealer's Brian Windhorst summarized the Quicken Loans Arena atmosphere before, during and after LeBron's miracle, writing that the sellout crowd was so quiet after Hedo Turkoglu put the Orlando Magic ahead with one second remaining that, "you could almost hear the red lamp on the backboard buzzer come to life."

Then LeBron brought the crowd back to life, resuscitating the 20,562 with a defibrillator of a shot that arched through the air, hit the back of the rim, and rattled through, the rim like a black hole from which even Cleveland's horrific sports past could not escape.

Don't start thinking this was just another buzzer beater. This was Cleveland's buzzer beater. This was Lyle Lovett marrying Julia Roberts. It was The Shot Seen Round the World. As Adrian Wojnarowski writes for Yahoo! Sports, "no city does sports tragedy like this one." It even turned ESPN.com's Chris Broussard into a believer.

In a city with a sports scene so long full of false hope, the most amazing feat of all isn't that we are all witnesses, but that we are all believers. Again.

Where LeBron Happens

2009-05-23T13:49:00.008-04:00

They're all real now.

The Powerade commercial where LeBron James makes a bunch of baskets from about 80 feet away? It's true.

The 60 Minutes interview where he swishes a ball underhanded from just beyond halfcourt? It wasn't just showing off.

The practice where LeBron, shirtless and dripping with tattoos and muscles, makes a 40-foot shot from BEHIND the basket, then walks off as if he's done nothing more than picking up his mail? It really was practice.

The halfcourt shots he makes while sitting down? The long throws from the scorer's table that sink through the basket as if they had no place else to go? Tuneups.

They're not camera tricks anymore, not circus tricks, luck, or just some guy screwing around hoping to be called into the remake of the Larry Bird/Michael Jordan McDonald's commercials from 20 years ago.

No, now they're real, and they're spectacular.

Off The Catch, over The Drive, off The Fumble, through The Shot. Nothing but net. LeBron James, our Chosen One, shoved the bad memories into a dark closet with his own memorable moment when his buzzer-beating 3-pointer kept both the Cavs and Cleveland fans' hopes alive in a 96-95 Eastern Conference Finals Game 2 victory Friday night.

Let's face it, the end wasn't just near, the end was here. One second away from blowing everything the Cavs had worked an entire season for. One blink away from devastation. We've been let down time and time again, but this? Two straight home-court losses in the Eastern Conference Finals for a team that was supposed to breeze through to the NBA Finals after the league's MVP led his team to the best record. If Cleveland can't get a title this time -- or at least the chance to play for the title -- then what hope is there? And there's nothing else to turn to. The Indians are treating us to one of the most miserable seasons in their existence. The Browns, months away from playing, just gave us a season worse than the Tribe.

So there was one second left, the Cavs had just blown a 23-point lead, and Charles Barkley was going to be right. Cleveland was one second away from once again becoming a miserable place to live -- especially for sports fans -- and the 30-year-old jokes were going to keep on coming.

One second away from realizing that God still hates Cleveland sports, and always will.

Except that this time the best player in the league is here. The best player in basketball is a Cav. The MVP is on a Cleveland team. And a Cleveland team was on the winning end of a miracle finish that will be talked about for years to come.

2007-10-22T01:55:00.000-04:00

This WAS your ticket

2007-10-22T00:09:00.000-04:00

There's only one Choketober

The Valley View Bridge stands 212 feet above the ground and is just over three-quarters of a mile long. The Detroit-Superior Bridge is almost as high -- 196 feet above the Cuyahoga River -- but is only 3,112 feet long as it connects downtown to the near West Side of Cleveland. Just a couple hundred feet away stands the Lorain Carnegie Bridge -- also known as the Hope Memorial Bridge -- which starts downtown just across the street from Jacobs Field on Carnegie Avenue and deposits travelers in the heart of Ohio City at West 25th Street; it stands only 93 feet above the river but is more than a mile long. Then you've got the Innerbelt Bridge and the Main Avenue Bridge, which is Ohio's longest bridge at 8,000 feet.

That's at least three miles worth of Cleveland's biggest bridges, and don't be surprised if you can't go more than a few feet on any of them without seeing someone wearing an Indians cap sidling up to the edge and looking down, down, down.

For we were up 3-1 in the ALCS and when we wake up this morning we'll have nothing to show for it. Nothing at all thanks to the Boston Red Sox outscoring the Tribe 30-5 in the final three games of the series to hand the Indians their first three-game losing streak in two months and knocking them out of the playoffs.

Nothing save memories of The Skinner, the newest image to add to the Cleveland Sports Misery Pantheon. That's in honor of third-base coach Joel Skinner, who held Kenny Lofton at third base when Franklin Gutierrez roped a ball down the third base line that banged off the facing of the stands and landed 30 feet in front of Manny Ramirez. As Lofton rounded third and headed for home, Skinner threw a stop sign up in front of the fastest man in Indians history and prevented him from scoring the tying run in the seventh inning.

Next man up, Casey Blake, immediately banged into a double play. Ball game over. Series over.

Nothing save memories of Manny Ramirez, now officially a Red Sock, throwing Lofton out at second on an ill-fated attempt at a double (even though Lofton was safe). Nothing save memories of Jonathan Papelbon striking out Travis Hafner on three pitches with two on and no outs in the eighth.

It's not Tribe time now. It's nice try time now. The time where we hear about what a great season the Indians delivered, what a valiant effort they gave, what an enjoyable run we had.

We hear it too often. Wait til next year. We're still waiting.

Everything worked in the first four games of the season. The series in a microcosm: Tim Wakefield gets in the way of a double-play grounder from Asdrubal Cabrera and turns it into an infield hit in Game 4. In Game 7, Victor Martinez's hard grounder up the middle in the fourth bounces in and out of Daisuke Matsuzaka's glove and lands at his feet -- easy out at first.

Our aces had nothing up their sleeves. C.C. Sabathia and Fausto Carmona took losses, and then uberreliever Rafael Betancourt couldn't keep the Tribe in Game 7, giving up seven runs in the seventh and eighth. He turned Dustin Pedroia into Bucky F*king Dent in the seventh, turning a one-run deficit into a three-run deficit and getting the snowball rolling downhill.

The Indians turned not into a pumpkin but a tomato can in Game 7, as we took a punch in the stomach, a smack to the head, and an uncalled shot to the groin all in order. Down we go, crumpled in a heap, once again waiting for next year.

A next year that never comes. But tears that always do.

2007-10-21T11:21:00.000-04:00

Byrd, poop

Indians resident Christian Paul Byrd is preparing a book in which he describes the spiritual journey that he has taken throughout his career. He talks about his struggles with pornography and players cheating, with the role of faith in the clubhouse. He writes about his funky old-school windup and how when he underwent shoulder surgery in the early part of this century he prayed for a way to stay in the game despite not having the dominant stuff of other pitchers.

In the book, Byrd also talks about the role HGH played in his career. And on the eve of Game 7 of the ALCS, the most important Cleveland Indians game in a decade, the story is exploding.

Apparently Byrd bought $25,000 of HGH and related supplies between 2002 and 2005, putting the purchase on his credit card. Byrd told FoxSports.com he never hid his HGH use because he received it via a prescription, and Indians GM Mark Shaprio is supporting his player. Still, could the timing of this revelation be any worse? Well, if Byrd were starting today's game, it could be.

But as the 2007 season implodes around the Indians, this is a story that's not going away whether the Indians win or lose today. Eric Wedge's grinders are grinding themselves into sawdust the last couple of days. First Ryan Garko, the guy who went to Stanford, lost a war or words with the Boston himbo, Manny Ramirez.

Baseball's resident flake simply made his own fans mad when he said about a possible Red Sox loss before Game 5, "If it doesn't happen, who cares? There's always next year." Meanwhile, Mr. Stanford said before Game 6 about the Indians possibly winning, "The champagne tastes just as good on the road as it does at home." Apparently such a disparaging quote inspired the Red Sox to humiliate the Indians last night.

Now this. For all their playoff success, the Indians are only 1-3 in series-elimination games in the Jacobs Field era. The lost in five to the Mariners in the ALDS in 2001, in five to the Red Sox in the ALDS in 1999, and in seven to the Florida Marlins in the 1997 World Series. The Tribe's only elimination victory came in the 1997 ALDS against the Yankees.

Paul Byrd might have thought God worked in mysterious ways before he arrived in Cleveland. Now he's getting a first-hand look at a real mystery. And we get a close-up of just exactly what happens when you put your heart and soul into a Cleveland team.

2007-10-20T22:46:00.000-04:00

About that World Series berth ...

Some idiot hacked into GHCS earlier today, some fool who doesn't remember 23-7 and 12-8 Boston in the 1999 ALDS, some clown who can't recall Grady Sizemore losing a fly ball in the sun and then the Indians losing six of seven in the final week of 2005 to choke away a postseason berth to these Red Sox, some moron who can't look out the window and see the signposts that mark the Cleveland city limits.

The Craigslist fools selling World Series tickets in Cleveland -- in Cleveland?!? -- before the Indians even won their fourth game in the ALCS? Gripping harder than someone holding onto the edge of a cliff. The record crowd for no game at the Jake Saturday night? Quieter than a Kent State football crowd at homecoming. The armchair quarterbacks on message boards and around the blogosphere? Ready to commit hari-kari.

It's not like we haven't seen this before in Cleveland. After all, the Indians were the first team to ever blow a 2-0 lead in the best-of-5 ALDS format when they blew it against the Red Sox in 1999. After a 23-7 loss in Game 4 behind supposed ace Bartolo Colon, Charlie Nagy couldn't hold a 5-2 lead after two innings in the fifth game, thanks mostly to a home run from Troy O'Leary. When Pedro Martinez came marching in from the Boston bullpen in the fourth inning with the game tied in that one Jacobs Field became as quiet as a wake. And it became one when Pedro shut the Tribe out the rest of the way as Boston went on to win 12-8.

That's the scenario we fear tomorrow, when Jake Westbrook faces Daisuke Matsuzaka. Dice-K might not be looking over his shoulder, but the rest of us will be, to see if Big Game Beckett is warming up in the bullpen.

It was supposed to be relatively simple for the Tribe after taking a 3-1 lead. Boston had to beat both C.C. Sabathia and Fausto Carmona to even get to Game 7.

Guess what? It wasn't all that hard. And now we're looking at a repeat of 1999. Or 2001, the Indians last appearance in the playoffs, when they lost the final two games of the ALDS against the Seattle Mariners after holding a 2-1 lead. Or the 1998 ALCS when the Indians lost three straight against the Yankees after taking two of the first three.

Or even the 1954 World Series when the Tribe was swept by the New York Giants despite posting the best record in baseball.

It's been sunny with unseasonably warm weather in Cleveland the last few weeks. The Indians play has made it feel like another world. We'll be waking up Sunday morning remember just where it is we live.

2007-10-20T14:12:00.000-04:00

Curse is foiled

It's over, folks.

Hanging on Grandpa's every word because he remembers watching the Indians win a World Series, something you've never done? It's over.

Reading old newsprint about a Cleveland past that included championship after championship because you can't find it in any current newspaper? It's over.

Hand-wringing about The Drive, The Fumble, The Shot -- heck, the entire city? It's over.

Tonight around 11:30 p.m. we'll be celebrating another shot at the World Series once the Tribe conquers Curt Schilling and the Boston Red Sox. And in a couple weeks we'll be watching a downtown parade as the Indians and Cleveland finally, finally, FINALLY come home with the brass ring.

FACT: the Indians are 3-0 in series when they have held a 3-2 lead (1948 World Series, 1995 and 1997 ALCS). FACT: The Red Sox are just 2-3 in series when they have trailed 3-2 (including the famous 2004 ALCS comeback from down 3-0 agains the Yankees. FACT: The Tribe's win pattern follows that of eight other best-of-sevens in all sports, and the team up 3-2 won the series seven times. FACT: Considering all sports, the Indians have a 78% chance of winning the series since they lead 3-2.

It's over, folks. Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust because they're the CLEVELAND Indians we worry about the 3-1 ALCS lead evaporating. And juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust because they're the Boston Red Sox, the only team to overcome a 3-0 deficit in a baseball playoff series, we're gripping a little bit as we head back to Boston to finish the series. We're a fanbase with nothing but tough losses in our memory banks, just like a dog who was constantly beaten on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper as a puppy. So we moan and clutch and worry.

But there's nothing to worry about anymore. The Cavs made the NBA Finals just a few months ago, remember? Sure, they lost, but just to make it was a magical carpet ride, unexpected by anyone not wearing a Cavaliers jersey. And the Browns have jettisoned Charlie Frye and turned into a decent team as easily as Clark Kent throws off his glasses and becomes Superman.

Apparently God's a bit upset with Notre Dame right now, because things are going right with Cleveland sports. They've been going right for a little while now.

Now that our team is again on the brink of success it's become cliche to think they are instead on the brink of disaster. Get that World Series logo off our clothes, even though the World Series logo is on everyone's clothes. Josh Beckett's warming up for Game 7. Stephen King's ready to write a new one about this certain comeback.

Huh-uh. It's over, folks. The Indians have their best pitcher going tonight against a fallen hero of old, Curt Schilling. Only Beckett's been able to beat the Tribe so far, and he will be pinned to the bench tonight. And when the Tribe does beat the Red Sox, they'll be facing a far inferior team in the World Series.

That's right. The Indians will be prohibitive favorites in the World Series against the Colorado Rockies. But wait! Didn't the Indians already lose to an expansion team in the World Series?

It's ancient history. All Cleveland sports history is about to become ancient history. We're on the brink right now. The dam is ready to burst; get ready to be swept away in the tidal wave.

2007-10-17T00:01:00.000-04:00

Just one more win

One win away.

One win away from the Cleveland Indians in the World Series.

One win away from the Cleveland Indians in the World Series and the Cleveland Cavaliers in the NBA Finals just five months apart.

One. Just one.

One win away thanks to Casey Blake's solo homer to start the fifth inning, then his RBI single to end the inning.

One win away thanks to Paul Byrd's double-pump, Paul Byrd's quick pitch from the stretch, Paul Byrd's one pitch that cracked 90 miles per hour, Paul Byrd's five-plus innings of two runs allowed.

One win away thanks to Rafael Betancourt's total dominance of the Red Sox -- two more perfect innings in ALCS Game 4.

One win away thanks to the Red Sox not allowing Dustin Pedroia to field any balls in the fifth inning. Kevin Youkilis and Tim Wakefield saw to that.

One win away thanks to yet another ALCS three-run home run from Jhonny Peralta.

One win away thanks to Kenny Lofton partying like it's 1999. And 1998. And 1996. And 1995.

One win away from telling Manny Ramirez to take his home-run pose and go home.

One win away from becoming the first team to beat both the Red Sox and Yankees in the same postseason.

Just one, just one win.

2007-10-08T19:18:00.000-04:00

Live blogging away!

(8:55 p.m) If the Indians were really any good, Casey Blake would have grabbed Shoppach and thrown him over the dugout to make the catch. Colossus and Wolverine could have done it.

(8:51 p.m.) At this rate, Byrd's going to last three innings even if he doesn't allow any more runs. Get Roger Wholestaff ready!

(8:41 p.m.) Paul Byrd is about five seconds away from throwing an ephus pitch, and 10 seconds away from taking a seat.

(8:31 p.m.) It's kind of like those Blue Diamond Growers -- two runs an inning, that's all we ask.

(8:30 p.m.) This game is starting to resemble Game 7 of the ALCS, when the Yanks folded in the first two innings. Johnny Damon smacked a grand slam to finish New York early in that one. Someone named Victor Martinez needs to go deep right here.

(8:25 p.m.) And it looks like someone told Mike Mussina it is still August. Feels like it anyway!

(8:22 p.m.) Apparently Joe Torre should have started Mike Mussina. Problem for Torre was (a) he's getting fired after this game and (b) he couldn't have thought he'd be getting the 1997 Mike Mussina instead of the 2007 Mike Mussina.

(8:16 p.m.) Bunting is great! Especially when you get hit by the pitch. The hand is not part of the bat, though baseball urban myth says it is. Joe Torre comes out to fix the mistake of Wang.

(8:05 p.m.) Kenny Lofton runs in from 1995 to make the catch and keep the Yankees scoreless after one.

(8:02 p.m.) Byrd comes with the heat to whiff A-Fraud. At this point, Torre might last longer in The Bronx than the Yankees' third baseman.

(7:58 p.m.) And here goes Paul Byrd. Is C.C. warming up in the bullpen?

Take that, shift!

AND THE CHEERING BEGINS DOWNTOWN!! Grady Sizemore shows up and Paul Byrd is thankful. Six more of those and we'll all feel good.

The difference between last night and the first two games, according to TBS's crew: offensive adjustments by the Yankees. Real reason: Jake Westbrook was pitching.

It's Wang's first career start on three days rest. Maybe Joe Torre is the dummy. No wonder Steinbrenner wants him fired!

2007-10-08T19:07:00.000-04:00

Secret Shoppach

Could the Indians season hinge on Kelly Shoppach's performance tonight?

Eric Wedge has opened the door to critics since the series shifted to New York. First, it was Trot Nixon in right. Since Trot had fared well against Roger Clemens prior to this series (13-for-35 career), Wedge went with his gut and trotted Nixon out. It started well with a Nixon homer, ended well with a Nixon RBI double, but in between there was an error that allowed two runs to score. Wedge came out even on the decision; Trot had no one to smack with a pie.

Tonight, Wedge plays it like a regular-season game by leaving Paul Byrd's personal catcher in. Shoppach has caught Byrd every time out since the middle of July. The problem is that this sends Ryan Garko to the bench as Victor Martinez moves to first.

The other problem is that Shoppach hit just .167 in 90 at-bats since the beginning of July. So now the Tribe has weakened its offense at a time they might just need some big bats. After all, Paul Byrd is on the mound.

We'll see how apt Wedge is to manage as if it's a regular-season game once the game starts. If Byrd is shaky, he should be replaced fairly quickly. But if Byrd does leave early, does Shoppach stay in? And if Shoppach comes out early, that hurts the Tribe's versatility later in the game.

2007-10-08T18:21:00.000-04:00

Lining them up

One good thing for the Indians tonight -- the Yanks continue to leave Jason Giambi on the bench. Doug Mientkiewicz stays in at first base because of his defense while Giami stays on the bench because of his defense. Sure, Giambi's only 3-for-14 against Byrd in his career, but he's a whole heck of a lot more likely to go deep than is the Consonant One.

INDIANS
CF Grady Sizemore
2B Asdrubal Cabrera
DH Travis Hafner
1B Victor Martinez
SS Jhonny Peralta
LF Kenny Lofton
RF Franklin Gutierrez
3B Casey Blake
C Kelly Shoppach

P Paul Byrd

YANKEES
LF Johnny Damon
SS Derek Jeter
RF Bobby Abreu
3B Alex Rodriguez
C Jorge Posada
DH Hideki Matsui
2B Robinson Cano
CF Melky Cabrera
1B Doug Mientkiewicz

P Chien-Ming Wang

2007-10-08T17:38:00.000-04:00

A little Byrdie will tell you

Paul Byrd is not like a box of chocolates. You pretty much know what you're going to get.

And that's got all of Cleveland ready with their collective vomit bags.

Here's what you're going to get with Paul Byrd: an ERA right around league average, lots of hits, few walks, and probably six innings. About as exciting as a loaf of bread.

Problem is if we get what we got from Paul Byrd in his one start against the Yankees on Aug. 11 -- seven runs in two IP -- or what we got from Paul Byrd following his shutout of the White Sox on Sept. 1 -- 22 ER allowed in 30 IP -- then we've got a major problem. If we get September from Paul Byrd, then we've got Game 5 back in Cleveland on Wednesday night, with all of Cleveland remembering every sports disaster we've ever had.

Only four times has a team come back from an 0-2 deficit to win a best-of-5 baseball playoff series since the wild-card era began. One of them was these Yankees, against the Oakland A's en route to the 2001 World Series title. Remember the Derek Jeter flip to home plate to nail a non-sliding Jeremy Giambi in the Yanks' 1-0 Game 3 victory? Another of them was the Red Sox, who became the first team to do when they came back against these Indians in the first round in 1999. Remember the 23-7, Game 2 victory for the Red Sox in that series?

The Indians might very well remember it. And that memory might be what led Eric Wedge to stick with Paul Byrd as his starter today instead of going with ace C.C. Sabathia on three days' rest. In that game back in 1999, Bartolo Colon started on three days rest and didn't make it out of the second inning. By the end of three, the Indians were behind 10-2 and were one day away from watching Pedro Martinez stroll out of the bullepn and silence both Jacobs Field and the Indians' bats.

Should C.C. start today it would be only the second time in his career that he went on three days' rest. It's not something he's used to; it's not something the Tribe has practiced all year. Wedge makes his decisions and sticks to them like flypaper.

Meanwhile, the Yankees are turning to Game 1 starter Chien-Ming Wang on three days' rest. Why is the strategy good enough for the goose but not the gander? After all, this is Wang's first start on three days' rest, and he was horrible the first time around in this series.. The Yanks are desperate. Joe Torre's supposedly out the door if New York doesn't make it past this round.

So, Cleveland fans, get ready for your loaf of bread. It's good for you. But the Tribe will need a little bit more than that tonight. Remember, man can't live on bread alone.

2007-10-05T15:32:00.000-04:00

LeWrong

It should be all about the Indians thrilling victory over the Yankees today, the Tribe's first playoff win since a guy named C.C. Sabathia beat the Seattle Mariners. It should be all about the grit a guy named C.C. Sabathia showed in keeping the fifth-inning door closed while the Yankees were mercilessly pounding away at it. It should be all about the Indians offensive explosion, about Kenny Lofton finding the Fountain of Youth in a Gatorade cup and about Asdrubal Cabrera, Victor Martinez, Travis Hafner, and Ryan Gark hitting homers.

And today Indians/Yankees Game 1 is the talk of the sports world. But the talk about the Indians/Yankees isn't focusing on the game. Instead, they're talking about LeBron James -- Akron native LeBron James, Cleveland Cavalier LeBron James -- wearing a Yankees hat to a playoff game at Jacbos Field.

LeBron was booed, and rightly so. Anyone whose ever worn a Pittsburgh Steeler or Baltimore Raven jersey in the Muni Lot before a Browns game thinks he got off easy. For this is our icon, the symbol of Cleveland's sports rebirth, a man known round the world basically jabbing a stick in the eye of Cleveland Fan.

Jim Rome's talking about it on his radio show today. ESPN's First Take television show is talking about it. They've written about it in the New York Times and MLB.com. Yahoo! asks
if LeBron's a traitor. They're arguing about it on blogs, on message'>message boards, and in bars.

Tribe legend Bob Feller had the best response when he said he would wear a Pistons hat and sit
right behind the Cavs bench. He's also the kind of guy who appreciates history, the kind of guy who knows of former France president Charles De Gaulle's famous quote: "The graveyards are full of irreplaceable men."

Cleveland's been around a lot longer than LeBron James has, and it will be around a lot longer when he's gone. He might very well be leaving when his contract is up in three years, heading off to the Big Apple he apparently loves so well to play with his buddies on the New Jersey Nets. Or so the theory goes. Wearing a Yankees hat to a Jacobs Field playoff game against the Yankees does nothing to dispel that notion. And it also won't make us sad to see him go should he pull a few more stunts like this. We've lived with our sports misery for more than 40 years; don't tell us we can't keep doing it.

It's certainly not a dealbreaker in our love affair with LeBron, but it's not exactly forgetting to tell your wife that you're coming home late for work. Cleveland fans have trust issues and self-confidence issues. Even with championship-caliber basketball and baseball teams in town, we still look in the mirror and wonder if we look fat in these jerseys. (Well, all except Browns fans -- they DO look fat in these jerseys.)

Seemed that LeBron understood all this as he's done and said the right things ever since he joined the Cavs. And while he's said and done them, he's led our team to the NBA Finals. Now we've caught him out looking at other teams at our very important celebratory dinner.

This will happen when you're young and basically still a kid. LeBron doesn't turn 23 until the end of the year. He's surrounded himself with business partners he went to high school with, guys who think it's OK to speed at nearly 100 miles per hour. Guys who apparently aren't wise enough to tell LeBron he's going to take a big PR hit.

And while he's at it, he'll stain our enjoyment of a great night at Jacobs Field. Don't do it again, LeBron. We can live without you.

2007-10-05T12:17:00.000-04:00

Yankees, go home

Awwwwww, poor Yankees. And poor Yankee fans. They might just not add to their 26 World Series championships this season.

This would be terrible for the Yankees! After all, can you imagine making the playoffs 13 straight seasons, and only having five World Series titles to show for it? And none since 2001? TRAGIC

Poor Derek Jeter. The Yankees have made the playoffs every year of his career. But he hasn't won the World Series every year of his career! Something's obviously wrong here.

And can you imagine the stress poor old Joe Torre is under? He might actually be fired for not winning every game by 10 runs. He even used some guys named Ross Ohlendorf and Jose Veras who weren't even in the postseason media guide. What is he thinking? Guy had a losing record until George Steinbrenner put him in charge of the team with the highest payroll in baseball; he must have reverted back to his losing ways using those two nobodies.

Alex Rodriguez is probably ready to pack his bags, too. The guy hits 54 home runs, and then the Indians walk him almost every time. Ten million New Yorkers probably booed their TV sets every time he headed to first base, they are so ungrateful.

Maybe Jason Giambi should go back on the juice so he can get a hit or two -- or even get into the starting lineup. Or maybe Jorge Posada should stop swinging at crappy 3-0 pitches; hey, Jorge, what happened to Yankee patience at the plate when you had the chance to walk in the tying run? Or maybe the Yankees starting pitcher should do something that doesn't get him nicknamed Chien-Mien Gong.

Yeah, it's so sad that the Yankees got their butts handed to them by the Indians. They were so bad in Game 1 of the ALDS they even embarrased our biggest star, LeBron James.

Because right now it looks like the NY on that cap is just the beginning and end of one short sentence -- "No waY".

2007-10-04T22:40:00.000-04:00

The Yankees lose,

theeee Yaaaankeeeees lose!

Those of you waiting for 1995 to return to Jacobs Field got your wish in Game 1 of the ALDS against the Yankees last night.

Those of you waiting for C.C. Sabathia to put together a defining performance in a clutch spot got your wish in the fifth inning last night.

Those of you waiting for the Indians offense to explode got your wish from the first inning on.

And those of you waiting for the Indians to get their first World Series championship since 1948 -- and that's all of you covered in the above and everyone else who doesn't care how they do it -- might have just witnessed the first step in the process.

In the Indians' 12-3 victory over the Yankees to start their playoff series, we got a glimpse of The Ghost of Indians Past when Kenny Lofton knocked in four runs, all after two were out. We got a glimpse of The Ghost of Indians Present when C.C. Sabathia sweated and grunted and struggled and nutted it up through five innings and 114 pitches, coming back from a bases-loaded, one-out, 3-0-count-on-Jorge Posada jam in the fifth inning to keep the Tribe ahead and watch as they went further ahead. We got a glimpse of The Ghost of Indians Future when Asdrubal Cabrera smacked a homer, the Raffies Perez and Betancourt combined for three shutout innings in relief and Jensen Lewis (can you say future closer?) broke his playoff cherry by retiring A-Rod on a pop out to start the eighth.

We even got a glimpse of a humbled LeBron James, who had to take off and hide his disgusting New York Yankees hat by the time some guy named Russ Ohrendorf was pitching in the sixth inning. That's kind of like the Pistons using Carlos Delfino to try to get past the Cavs in the Eastern Conference Finals. Who? Exactly.

Cleveland started the night with a bit of sabotage when a local cameraman hired as a freelancer by the Yankees' YES Network stepped on New York first baseman Doug Mientkiewicz's ankle, knocking the letters in his name around and eventually knocking him out of the game after a few innings. The camerman was fired, but he did his job. Friday night, the Indians will hire him and tell him to film only around A-Rod and Derek Jeter.

The Tribe overcame a fifth-pitch homer from Johnny Damon that was first ruled foul, then ruled fair. They overcame a bases-loaded, one-out situation in the fifth when Jorge Posada looked like he would erase the Tribe's thin 4-3 lead like it was writing on a chalkboard. C.C. gave up a run-scoring double to Bobby Abreu, then intentionally walked A-Rod and his 54 homers. Up came Posada, who took three pitches. Somehow Sabathia came back to whiff the Yankee backstop, who hit a career-high .338 during the regular season. Then Hideki Matsui popped out to Jhonny Peralta and by the slimmest of margins and fattest of pitchers, the Tribe remained ahead.

That gave the Tribe the boost they needed. Three batters into the bottom of the fifth Victor Martinez gave the Indians the two runs back with a jack into the right-field seats. Then with two outs, Good Ole Kenny Lofton -- good and old Kenny Lofton -- knocked one up the middle to score Peralta. Lofton then turned back time, stole second, and scored along with Franklin Guttierez on Casey Blake's double.

That's Casey Blake, who has more at-bats as an Indian than anyone else on this team save Good Ole.

And after the five-run inning it was a celebration at Jacobs Field. It was the fans screaming O-H-I-O so loud they heard it in Columbus. It was Travis Hafner and Ryan Garko adding homers just because. It was rocking and rolling and partying at the Jake just like it was 1999. Or 1998. Or 1997. Or 1996. Or 1995.

Game 1 showed the Indians weren't a fluke, that their 93-win 1995 season wasn't a tease, that the Yankees are not a team to be feared simply because it says NY on their caps. No, these are the Yankees that haven't won a playoff series since 2004, the year they pulled off the biggest choke in sports history against the Boston Red Sox.

The Yankees lose, theeeeeeeeeeeeee Yankeeeeeeeeeees lose.

But even better, Indians win.

2007-10-01T01:05:00.000-04:00

Had a good day

That was the moment that we needed the most
We kicked Raven ass and their magic is lost
The Yankees' blue skies will turn to gray
Your Cleveland sports passion is back to stay
And now the Tribe's going to march on

So the Cavs made the NBA Finals in June, the Indians are at home for the first round of the playoffs, the Browns looked like a halfway decent team in beating the Baltimore Ravens, and the Pittsburgh Steelers played like hacks and folded.

The only thing that could have made it a perfect day in Cleveland sports is if Art Modell died while the Ravens were walking off the field.

Cause we had a good day
We took Baltimore down
We sang our fight song when we scored those touchdowns
We watched our leads grow
We know it's no lie
We work up a smile when we think of the Tribe
We had a good day
The standings don't lie
The Yanks are coming to town and we really don't mind
We had a good day
We had a good day

We'll settle for a little less than perfect. The Browns, our misfit child, have grown a few inches and heard their voices deepen since the thumping they took rom the Steelers to open the season. If not for a blocked field goal against the Raiders the Browns would be tied for first in the AFC North. The last time that happened a month into the season, there wasn't an Internet around to tell you about it.

Really, was sending Charlie Frye to Seattle the solution to the entire Browns' problem? Maybe Charlie was like the guy in the disaster movie that has to die so everyone else can escape. If the Browns were Poseidon, then Charlie Frye was Captain Robert Ramsey. At least he got those propellors going before he died!

Well you need a blue sky holiday
Nobody's laughing no more at what you say
And now the Tribe's going to march on

The Browns' victory is not even the most exciting sports happening in town right now. No, Indians Playoff Week kicks off Monday evening with a rally at Gateway Plaza at 5 p.m. It's part of Rally Monday, where every city that's got a team in the playoffs rejoices. We've got Michael Stanley and the Resonators performing for us; Boston's got to settle for The Dropkick Murphys. And, hey, what's Chuck Finley doing at the Angels' rally? He's pitched in more playoff games for the Tribe than for the Angels. Plus we got Coco Crisp for him, who in turn brought us (ahem) Andy Marte.

Cause we had a good day
We took Baltimore down
We sang our fight song when we scored those touchdowns
We watched our leads grow
We know it's no lie
We work up a smile when we think of the Tribe
We had a good day
The standings don't lie
The Yanks are coming to town and we really don't mind
We had a good day
We had a good day

We had a good day!

2007-09-18T11:58:00.000-04:00

Talking Magic Number

The Magic Number used to be a regular visitor to Jacobs Field back in the mid-1990s. We were regular countdown pros back then, as good as Dick Clark on New Year's Eve. But we haven't seen much of Magic Number lately. In 2001 the Indians won their division and enjoyed a visit from Magic Number, but since then it's been nothing but tragic numbers. Magic Number did make a cameo in 2005 but didn't make it to Jacobs Field for the final week of the season.

Now, the Magic Number is back for an extended stay. Entering tonight's game the Indians hold a 5½-game lead on the Tigers and have a Magic Number of seven. Wins tonight and tomorrow reduce that to three, with the possibility of clinching the division title by the weekend.

God Hates Cleveland Sports was fortunate enough to hook up with Magic Number to see how he enjoys life on the road and what he thinks about his return to Cleveland.

GOD HATES CLEVELAND SPORTS: Magic Number, good to see you back in town. Looks like you'll be here til the end of the week. We have to ask, where the hell have you been?
MAGIC NUMBER: Well, I do quite a bit of traveling. As you know I'm based in New York City -- season tickets at Yankee Stadium and quite a bit of time spent at Shea as well. But last couple years I've spent time in St. Louis, Boston, out on the West Coast in L.A., San Diego, and Oakland. Used to go to Atlanta all the time, but not so much anymore. Nice to be back in Cleveland, I plan on visiting The Flats this week.

GHCS: You might want to try East 4th Street, Magic Number, The Flats are over! It has been awhile since we've seen you, hasn't it?
MN: What happened to The Flats? I used to love that place The Basement. I used to hang out there with the Baseball Tonight guys all the time. Remember when Gary Miller peed out the window? Wouldn't have happened if I hadn't come to town.

GHCS: Will you be at the ballpark tonight, Magic Number?
MN: I almost didn't make it last night. I forgot how to get to The Jake. By the time I got there the ticket booths were closed. Even the scalpers were gone. I finally found an old lady who claimed she was one of Bob Feller's groupies back in the day. She was selling a ticket for bus fare back to Parma, so I got in just in time. That'll teach me to come down Euclid Avenue. Who knows what will happen tonight.

GHCS: How do people usually react when they see you?
MN: Man, it's crazy? Ever been over to that Rock Hall of yours? You know, they got The Beatles in there. It's kinda like that with me, when The Beatles first came to America. There's usually girls fainting and peeing themselves (around here they're all wearing these pink Mrs. Sizemore shirts), and guys like to come up and give you a chest bump or fist knock. Sometimes they ask for pictures. I'm always keeping myself in shape to look good for the cameras.

GHCS: Wow, you're a real rock star. Any great Cleveland memories?
MN: I really liked 1995. I mean, there I was counting myself down throughout most of August. By September 8 it was all over. Most people barely even knew I was in town. Albert Belle kept threatening to stomp me, but I could have taken him. This year is much more relaxed. If I get that pie in my face I'm gonna be really pissed off.

GHCS: I think a lot of people are still pretty upset with you for standing us up in 2005.
MN: Hey, I was here, all right. I even went to Kansas City before I came here for the final week. But when I was out there I got sun poisoning, and then when we got back to Cleveland they were like, "We'll call you when we need you." I figured I'd be down at Jacobs Field all week, but I only made it once. When Ozzie Guillen made that choke sign, I hopped on a plane and flew back home to New York.

GHCS: What do you do in the offseason?
MN: I'm always counting down the days til the next season. I'll watch a little football, but not that much. Sometimes I'll pop up during the basketball season, but since almost everyone's in the playoffs they don't need my services that much. So usually I'm just hanging out by the pool reading a book.

GHCS: Any predictions for the Tribe this week?
MN: Let me ask my brother, Magic 8-Ball. Uh, oh, you're not going to like this answer ... you did say this site's called God Hates Cleveland Sports, right? Looks like I might be needed in Detroit next week.

GHCS: How can you say that? I heard you have reservations at the Renaissance through the weekend.
MN: Plans change, kid. I've got the airlines on speed dial, know what I mean? Just think about what's going on in Chicago and Milwaukee. Thank goodness I can drive back and forth between those places.

GHCS: OK, Magic Number, good to have you in town. Thanks for stopping by!
MN: My pleasure, see you at the game tonite -- MAYBE!!

2007-09-17T18:12:00.000-04:00

Live blogging the big series

In 1997 the Tribe began wearing their socks high in honor of Jim Thome's 27th birthday. It became a good-luck thing as the Indians grinded their way to the World Series despite a less-than-stellar record. In 1998 it was The Year of the Dye Job as Jaret Wright, Charles Nagy, Richie Sexson, and a few others went blonde to get the Indians rolling. It inspiried a trend in Cleveland and inspired the metrosexual in then-GM John Hart, who said Nagy didn't need to dye his hair because, "He's a good-looking guy. He looks like he just stepped off the cover of GQ."

Now it's The Year of the Pie Face, as Blake gets blasted by Victor Martinez after tonight's game in one has become an Indians tradition. Trot Nixon probably preserved his spot on the roster by bringing his pie-in-the-face act from Boston, and now if you're the hero of the game, you're getting a pie in the face.

Your 2007 Indians are now a team with an identity. And it won't be much longer before they're also a team with a playoff spot.

(10:44 p.m.) OWNER'S SON!!! OWNER'S SON!!! OWNER'S SON!!! OWNER'S SON!!! Casey Blake sheds the moniker as he goes deep to left and the Tribe has put an extra game of distance between themselves and the Tigers with a 6-5, 11-inning win.

(10:42 p.m.) More on Tribe relievers Bobby Howry holds the record for most games with 79. But he only pitched 73 innings that year (2005) with a 2.47 ERA. Betancourt is up to 62 games and 73 innings pitched. Sid Monge threw in 76 games in 1979 to set the record for most games for a left-handed reliever, and he went 131 innings with a 2.40 ERA and 12-10 record and 19 saves. That might very well be the best relief season by a Tribe pitcher (the 12 wins in relief is also a record), but Betancourt's not far behind. Of course we've got Jose Mesa's 1995 season on the short list, as he saved 46 games and compiled a 1.13 ERA in 64 IP.

(10:34 p.m.) Is Rafael Betancourt turning in the best season by a reliever in Indians history? His ERA before tonight was 1.52, and here's two more scoreless innings in a very clutch situation. He's up to 73 innings pitched now. He's only walked eight guys. He doesn't get the saves, but the Indians wouldn't be where they are right now without him. On to the bottom of the 11th in a tie game!

(10:31 p.m.) Yesterday we had a Madden '08-like football game between the Browns and Indians that thrilled us to the very end. Tonight we've got extra innings in a battle for first between the Tribe and Tigers. If the Cavs trade for Kobe Bryant tomorrow, God Hates Cleveland Sports is going to have to change its name.

(10:28 p.m.) Full count to Gutierrez. Might as well start Barfield here. After all, he's about ready to transfer to Northern Illinois ... And it's a strike-em-out, throw-em-out. More free baseball!

(10:26 p.m.) Zach Miner's all over the place to every hitter. Soon enough he's going to groove one ...

(10:23 p.m.) And Peralta makes it to first again with his third walk. And Josh Barfield lives? The new Herb Washington takes Peralta's spot, and they better not have put him in to stand on first, even with Ivan Rodriguez behind the plate.

(10:20 p.m.) It's Victor, perfect Jhonny P, and Gutierrez due up in the 10th. If Jhonny P lets it get that far.

(10:17 p.m.) Another long Betancourt inning, and another good result. Ordonez flies out to right and the Tribe has another chance to walk off.

(10:11 p.m.) Betancourt whiffs Granderson to start the 10th, but that stinking Placido Polanco doubles to left. This is getting scary.

(10:08 p.m.) Rick Manning tells us that this is the fourth extra-inning game between the Tigers and Indians, with the road team winning all three previous. The Tribe has come out on top twice. And now the Indians have Betancourt and Perez lined up, so they're looking good.

(10:06 p.m.) Who wants some free baseball? We're getting it tonight as playoff baseball seems to have come early to the Jake. Hafner grounds out to end the ninth as Leyland looks like a genius.

(10:05 p.m.) Perhaps Leyland's looking for a cigarette instead of a left-handed reliever.

(10:04 p.m.) Did the Tigers really throw four balls to Asdrubal so they could bring the lefty in to face Hafner? It's either the biggest screwup in baseball history or the most ballsy call ever. Leyland's frozen in the dugout and he lets his Miner leaguer face Hafner!

(10:02 p.m.) Grady goes the other way, but it's a can of corn. Asdrubal now primed to get his first head pounding with a walkoff single ...

(9:59 p.m.) Blake gets the walk, Shoppach the bunt, and now the Tribe has two shots to score the winning run from the top of the lineup. Zach Miner, would you like to play a game? Grady Sizemore or Asdrubal Cabrera -- make your choice!

(9:53 p.m.) Borowski goes the distance with Inge before getting the flyout to left. We're heading to the bottom of the ninth in a tie game with The Owner's Son due up to start it. Can he get his second walkoff of the homestand?

(9:50 p.m.) Peralta turning into Cal Ripken! A one-hopper right at him deep in the hole turns into an out at third as the pinch-runner Maybin thinks he can beat the throw to third. You can feel the Jacobs Field energy through the television. The only question now is who gets the walkoff in the bottom of the ninth.

(9:48 p.m.) Asdrubal takes an elbow to the Chief Wahoo logo on Maybin's stolen base. Josh Barfield seen putting his uniform back on!

(9:45 p.m.) Casey singles and is pinch-run for by Cameron Maybin. Leyland with a tip of the cap to expanded rosters, as Marcus Thames comes up to hit for Santiago. This looks like a homer or strikeout situation.

(9:44 p.m.) Joe Borowski inspires as much confidence as a waitress at IHOP, but at least he's facing that bottom third of the Tigers lineup. And Leyland no longer needs his defensive replacement, so Clevlan doesn't get to bat in Cleveland. Sean Casey does instead.

(9:42 p.m.) Zumaya, my Lord, Zumaya .... Zumaya, my Lord, Zumaya ... Zumaya, my Lord, Zumaya ... O, Lord, Zumaya ... Someone's laughing, Lord, at Zumaya ... Someone's laughing, Lord, at Zumaya ... Someone's laughing, Lord, at Zumaya ... O, Lord, at Zumaya ... Someone's crying, Lord, it's Zumaya ... Someone's crying, Lord, it's Zumaya ... Someone's crying, Lord, it's Zumaya ... O, Lord, it's Zumaya

(9:39 p.m.) We're basically in extra innings now, sports fans. The Tribe ties it up in the ninth on JP's second homer of the game, as he has more than made up for his early error. It's a battle of the bullpens now, and the Tribe still has almost all of its bullets in the gun. Should the Tigers lose this one, they might just pack it in for the rest of the series.

(9:37 p.m.) It must feel like the old days to Lofton, as the fans stand and chant, "Kenny, Kenny, Kenny, Kenny" with the Indians in a tie game in the late innings. No, Kenny Rogers, they're not talking to you!!

(9:34 p.m.) And we remember back to Aug. 23 when Zumaya gave up three runs in an inning against the Tribe to take the loss against the Tribe in a 10-9 game. Zumaya has given up six runs in 2 innings of work against the Indians this season. Apparently they should have left Kenny Rogers in. Tribe still not done as Franklin Gutierrez pinch-singles with two outs. Can Lofton rip one into the right field corner to give the Tribe the lead?

(9:32 p.m.) Peralta's been perfect tonight, and he stays perfect as he bombs Leyland's bomb with a jack to right. We have a tie game!!! No win for you, Kenny Rogers!!

(9:30 p.m.) Hafner might like to have that one back, as it was in his wheelhouse down and in. It's a groundout to second to advance the runners, so not a total disaster as Victor comes up to bat. Do they give him anything to hit?

(9: 28 p.m.) Hopefully Ivan Rodriguez wasn't planning on having any more kids anytime soon. Travis Hafner's foul tip just took care of any intentions Pudge might have had for the next few weeks.

(9:27 p.m.) Two on and no one out as Asdrubal slaps one through the left side! Tying run is up in Hafner, and it's going to be hard to shift him with two on and none out. Is it time for that Jacobs Field magic once again?? Here comes Leyland to tell Zumaya to quit screwing up the game.

(9:26 p.m.) Has Grady Sizemore already earned the same respect as some of the game's best? For a guy who strikes out a lot he sure has a good eye. He takes a very close 1-2 pitch from Zumaya that is called a ball, and winds up with a walk. Sizemore did the same thing in the comeback victory against the Kansas City Royals a few weeks ago that really got the Tribe rolling to where they are now.

(9:25 p.m.) Some guy names Clevlen comes in to play left; presumably he can catch a fly ball or two. But the real move is Leyland pushes the button and brings in Zumaya to face the Tribe's top three.

(9:20 p.m.) Looked like Sheffield was safe at third as The Owner's Son tagged him on the back of the calf on a steal attempt. But it goes down as a caught stealing for Shoppach since the ball beat Sheff by a mile. And the crowd gets itself into the game -- keep "Hang on Sloopy" in Columbus where it belongs!!

(9:16 p.m.) And the Tribe pulls one out of the Browns' playbook, blasting "Hang on Sloopy" over the loudspeakers to try to generate some excitement from the crowd. It works for about five seconds.

(9:14 p.m.) Remember this?

"(7:34 p.m.) Byrd must dominate the bottom three of the Tigers lineup."

Well, Timo Perez is 1-for-3 with an RBI and Ramon Santiago is 2-for-3 with two RBI. This is worse than walking the last guy in a softball lineup. And now Byrd gets himself into eighth-inning trouble and won't even make it through this inning. Aaron Fultz is in to save what he can from the burning building.

(9:12 p.m.) Wow, Paul Byrd's out for the eighth inning. He's tossed two complete games so far this year and went into the ninth in another, so you have to wonder if he's going to come back out for the ninth should he cruise here.

(9:07 p.m.) Meanwhile the Tribe's Kelly waves at a big slow bender to end the seventh, and Kenny Rogers has gone seven innings for the first time this season. Leyland's still got his nuclear weapons waiting in the bullpen.

(9:05 p.m.) STO advertises "Prelude to a Championship" next Monday night, causing a collective dropping of the stomach in Greater Cleveland. Relax -- it's not about the Indians, who haven't won anything yet. It's about Youngstown boxer Kelly Pavlik, who's going for the middleweight championship of the world on Sept. 29.

(9:02 p.m.) Lofton flies out as Mark Shapiro thanks his maker that he didn't give up anything of value for him. Lofton's hitting just .280 with a .350 OBP and .350 SLG for the Tribe. He's been caught stealing three of five times since coming over from Texas and has scored only 21 runs in 143 ABs. He had three times as many runs in just over double the ABs with the Rangers.

(9:00 p.m.) Another amazing play at second base by lanky Asdrubal Cabrera makes it eight in a row set down by Byrd. We're to stretch time as Josh Barfield has PR permanently etched by his name.

(8:56 p.m.) And Kenny Rogers has just tied Mark Langston for the all-time lead in pickoffs with 91 by nailing Jason Michaels to end the sixth inning. Michaels is left complaining that Rogers balked, just like the last 90 Kenny's picked off said.

(8:55 p.m.) Wedge is already planning his postgame remarks. "We just have to keep grinding." "Detroit is a good team." "The season's not over and we're going one game at a time." "These guys know what's at stake." "I don't know why I played Jason Michaels and didn't bunt with Casey Blake."

(8:44 p.m.) Byrd gets a couple nice plays from Lofton in left and gets the Tigers in order to finish the sixth. But the Tribe IS RUNNING OUT OF TIME!! to steal a line from Jack Bauer and Tri-C. Do you really want the Tigers to get to Fernando Rodney and Joel Zumaya with this lead? Something's gotta happen pretty fast if the Indians don't want this lead to drop to 3.5 ...

(8:43 p.m.) Remember when Carlos Guillen was an Indian for about a day and a half? Everyone forgets, but the Indians did trade Omar Vizquel for Guillen before the 2003 season, only to have Omar fail a physical, negating the trade. The Tigers then swooped in and acquired Guillen for Ramon Santiago -- and guess who's playing short for the Tigers tonight? What a trade for the Tigers. The Mariners have a thing about giving away shortstops. They traded Omar to the Indians way back when for Felix Fermin, and gave the Tribe Asdrubal Cabrera for Eduardo Perez last season.

(8:41 p.m.) Yep, things still look a bit bleak from the Panini's Cam as well. Still 5-2 Tigers as we enter the sixth.

(8:38) And the shift burns Hafner in the fifth as the Tribe goes punchless in the fifth. I think by now Hafner would love to take the shift into a back alley and beat the crap out of it. He sure isn't doing anything against it on the field this season.

(8:36 p.m.) The Owner's Son turns a double play to get the Tribe through the fifth with no damage. That might buy Paul Byrd another inning. Believe it or not, Byrd has the most playoff experience of anyone on the Tribe roster. He pitched in two games with the Braves in the 2004 NLDS against Houston, taking a loss in 5.2 IP. He returned to the playoffs with the Angels the next season, getting hammered by the Yankees in one 3.2 inning start in the ALDS, then pitching 10.2 innings over two starts in the ALCS against the White Sox, going 1-0 with a 3.38 ERA. Only C.C. Sabathia, with one start in the 2000 playoffs, Joe Borowski, with a save in 7.2 innings with the Cubs in 2003, and Aaron Fultz (4 IP, 6.75 ERA with the Giants) have pitched in the playoffs besides Byrd.

(8:30 p.m.) The howls over Wedge's decision to not bunt with Blake have begun in earnest. But come on -- you don't expect The Owner's Son to do anything but swing for the fences, do you??

(8:27 p.m.) Blake flies out to right and then Shoppach hits into the double play. Thousands of fantasy football players look at the clock to see if Monday Night Football has started yet, especially with Byrd still on the mound.

(8:23 p.m.) Lofton gets a lucky break as Timo Perez misplays his second ball of the game. Tying run is now up as The Owner's Son steps in!

(8:20 p.m.) Peralta goes deep to center to start the fifth! He buys back the run he gave away by letting Ivan Rodriguez on base. Even Zydrunas Ilgauskas wouldn't have caught that one. Michaels follows with a rip to left, and maybe it's the Tribe's turn to tee off on Rogers.

(8:15 p.m.) You'd think Derek Anderson just showed up. Brandon Inge bunts his way into an improbable 2-5-3 double play while trying to sacrifice, and the Tribe might just escape this inning without half the fans leaving the Jake.

(8:15 p.m.) Unbelievable. Detroit's minor-league shortstop gets a bunt hit to score Rodriguez and it's 5-1 Tigers. Still two on, still two out, still a Cleveland team doing whatever it can do to give away a game when the pressure's on.

(8:13 p.m.) Wow. Timo Perez rips it to right, Jason Michaels boots to let Rodriguez go to third, another run in, it's 4-1 Tigers. Two on, none out. And that noose is being fitted for Tribe necks once again.

(8:10 p.m.) Oh, boy, the wheels on this cart are getting wobbly. Peralta boots Ivan Rodriguez's slow grounder and the Tribe doesn't even trade the run for the out. First and third with no one out and it's now 3-1.

(8:07 p.m.) Another double for Guillen as he croquet-shots one down the third base line. Guillen couldn't have rolled the ball down third with his bare hands and got better results. Byrd quickly losing his chances at sticking as the Tribe's third starter in the playoffs. He's throwing strikes and the Tigers are hitting them.

(8:05 p.m.) That's two liners right over Peralta's glove as Ordonez scorches one to left. Maybe the Tribe should sign Zydrunas Ilgauskas to play shortstop. Cal Ripken proved that tall shortstops can get it done. Heck, most people want Ja-honny off short anyway.

(8:02 p.m.) Inge gobbles it up at third to end the inning. Tigers leading 2-1. Rogers knowing when to fold 'em so far.

(8:00 p.m.) Hafner does what he couldn't do in the first inning with a man on third, smacking a single to center. That breaks a string of six straight retired by Rogers. Now team MVP Victor Martinez is up ...

(7:55 p.m.) YOU ARE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!! First Jack Bauer's catch phrase, now Tri-C's.
(7:53 p.m.) Byrd's through three innings in less pitches than it took Rogers to get through two. But Rogers has the lead, thanks mostly to Hafner's first-inning whiff with a runner at third. Kennnnnnnnny, you're my laaddddddy!!

(7:50 p.m.) Placido Polanco is the first one to go deep tonight? Note to Paul Byrd -- QUIT THROWING PITCHES DOWN THE MIDDLE TO SLAPPIES!! First he hung one to Santiago, now a floater to Polanco.

(7:45 p.m.) Contact us on our new AOL IM screen name: GodHateClevSport!

(7:40 p.m.) The Owner's Son steps in and takes a strike. No, Casey Blake's last name isn't Dolan, but why else do you think he's in the lineup every single day? He's second on the team in games and at-bats! This despite being 110th in baseball in OPS, out of 164 regulars. He's fourth among AL third basemen in OPS, which sounds pretty good until you hear there's only nine AL third basemen who are everyday players. Apparently just being able to suit up makes you valuable. Just ask Nick Punto!

(7:37 p.m.) Santiago turns back into a pumpkin when Byrd picks him off to end the inning. Just the second time Byrd's picked anyone off this season. Santiago certainly earned it.

(7:35 p.m.) And Santiago bloops one into left just over Peralta to tie the game. It's like getting burnt by the last girl in the order in your co-ed softball league.

(7:34 p.m.) Byrd must dominate the bottom three of the Tigers lineup. Timo Perez and Ramon Santiago simply aren't major leaguers, and the Tigers should be ashamed of using both of them in this must-win game. Perez is already out on a shot to Cabrera. Santiago looks like the kid who plays right field on your Little League team so far ...

(7:33 p.m.) The early Byrd grabs the wormburner!

(7:27 p.m.) Jason Michaels gets the start over Franklin Gutierrez today. Perhaps its a Wedgie but feeling, as J-Mike is a career .300 hitter against the gambler. Tough decision to make, as Gutierrez has been the everyday right fielder since the beginning of August. And the gut decision makes us sick as Michaels grounds out to short to end the first.

(7:25 p.m.) Here comes Astroball with the first run of the series! Ivan Rodriguez forgets to catch Rogers pitch and it goes to the backstop. Rodriguez, thinking he's back playing kickball in gym class, nails Cabrera in the stomach with his throw to the plate. Unlike in kickball, Astroball is safe.

(7:23 p.m.) Kenny Rogers forgot to shave this morning. And yesterday morning. Either that or he's trying to look more like the other Kenny Rogers. Don't expect to see Rogers replacing Keith Hernandez or Walt Frazier in those Just For Men commercials anytime soon. He defines greybeard.

(7:22 p.m.) Man, Hafner's down season continues. Infield in and he can't even put wood to leather. Amazing this team's won 90 games with his rather pedestrian numbers.

(7:20 p.m.) Is Cabrera wearing one of those candy necklaces that fifth-grade girls like? That thing should be half gone by the sixth inning.

(7:15 p.m.) And Astroball Cabrera brings the excitement to the Jake, jacking one off the wall in left and racing around to third! Triple-A outfielder Timo Perez turned a fly ball into the triple by leaping a foot away from the wall. Somewhere Josh Barfield silently weeps.

(7:12 p.m.) And Grady puts away the long can of corn from Ordonez to end the scoreless top of the first. Over to The Point After, and we see a smiling Romeo Crennel!! Romeo Crennel DOES change facial expressions.

(7:10 p.m.) Byrd throws nothing but strikes, which is scary sometimes. These Tigers hit the ball hard! Granderson drilled one foul deep to right, Sheffield rips one in the hole to left. As long as they keep hitting at-em balls...

(7:04 p.m.) Contact us on our new AOL IM screen name: GodHateClevSport!

(6:56 p.m.) WOW! Optimistic Tribe fans. STO's pregame poll shows that 65% pick the Indians to win two games in the series and only 15% say the Tigers will win the series. Where have all the pessimistic Cleveland fans gone? Next you'll say the Browns are going to score 51 points in one game.

(6:53 p.m.) Tough choice at 7 p.m. Do we watch Angry Tony and the boys not be angry as they discuss the Browns on WKYC's The Point After, or do we watch the Tribe from first pitch? This is a football town -- can't wait to see the ratings for these broadcasts when it's all over.

(6:47 p.m.) Ah, new pregame "cohost" Ryan Garko alludes to Shoppach being Byrd's personal catcher. That's why Garko sits.

(6:42 p.m.) Well, Garko's hand doesn't hurt so much that he can't hold an STO microphone. Can't tell if it's swollen or not, since he's a beefy dude to begin with. How can Pawlowski not even ask Garko why he's not in the lineup, especially against a lefty??

(6:36 p.m.) STO's Al Pawlowski just said the Tigers are the hottest team in baseball right now -- 10-2 in their last 12. Boy, can the Tribe hope just to take one game??

-------------------------------

This is it, sports fans. Tonight the Indians face the Detroit Tigers in a three-game set that goes a long way toward deciding the Tribe's postseson fate. No, even if the Tigers sweep the Tribe won't be knocked out. They won't even be knocked out of first. With a 4.5 game lead, the Indians will still be a game and a half ahead if the Tigers take all three at the Jake. But it will sure make for some queasy stomachs in Cleveland, as we'll start thinking here we go again ...

Tonight's starting lineups:

DETROIT: CF Granderson (the new Grady Sizemore?), 2B Polanco, DH Sheffield, RF Ordonez, 1B Guillen, C Rodgriguez, LF Timo Perez, SS Santiago, 3B Inge; P Rogers

CLEVELAND: CF Sizemore, 2B Cabrera, DH Hafner, 1B Martinez, SS Peralta, RF Michaels, LF Lofton, 3B Blake, C Shoppach; P Byrd

The Tigers have some problems at the bottom of their order what with career minor leaguers Timo Perez (just 98 big-league ABs the last two seasons), and Ramon Santiago (no more than 100 big-league ABs in any of the last four seasons) in front of Brandon Inge. All three are free swingers with a combined OBP of under .310. That bodes well for a strikethrower like Byrd.

2007-09-16T21:57:00.000-04:00

Hitting the jackpot

Once again, our giant slot machine on the lake pays off.

You know how it goes. Sell out every game since the Browns return to the NFL in 1999. Lay an egg in most of them -- a 21-45 home record the testament to that. Raise fans expectations and then dump a bucket of ice water over them almost every time.

Certainly THAT'S not what's bringing 73,089 people to Cleveland Browns Stadium eight times a year. No, it's the slot machine theory. The fans are attracted to the team, they buy tickets (and t-shirts and hates and sweatshirts and beer) once attracted, and they continue to root for the team for years and years. The fans continue these activities despite loss after loss after loss.

Then there's what psychology professor Tom Creed calls the reinforcement function. That's the periodic payout which occurs unpredictably and in variable sizes. Kinda like the Browns' 51-45 victory over the Cincinnati Bengals in which Derek Anderson tied the franchise single-game record with five touchdown passes. Triple 7s and a $10 million jackpot indeed.

Anyone who runs a casino can tell you why every Cleveland Browns home game has sold out since the team returned in 1999. It's certainly not the 41-89 record that Browns 2.0 have put together. It's not the procession of quarterbacks from Ty Detmer to Tim Couch to Spergeon Wynn to Doug Pederson to Kelly Holcomb to Jeff Garcia to Luke McCown to Trent Dilfer to Charlie Frye to Derek Anderson. It's not the record against Pittburgh, which has won 15 of the 17 matchups since the Browns returned to the NFL. And it's not cheap beer prices.

No, it’s the shootout that D.A. inexplicably won against Carson Palmer that brings Browns fans back. It’s things like Jamal Lewis’ 215 rushing yards and 66-yard scoring run. It’s things like Braylon Edwards’ diving 34-yard touchdown catch and 146 receiving yards. It’s things like Kellen Winslow’s 100 yards and a score through the air. It’s things like Leigh Bodden’s last-second interception to preserve the victory.

The slot machine effect was in full view at Cleveland Browns Stadium yesterday as we saw the Browns score the most points in a home game in team history. It was also the most points by a Browns team since they opened the 1989 season with a 51-0 victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Was it real or was it just a lucky pull of the one-armed bandit? Derek Anderson wasn’t even good enough to beat out Charlie Frye in the preseason. Then, after a quarter and a half of awful football against the Steelers, Frye gets shipped to Seattle, D.A. becomes the placeholder until Brady Quinn is ready, and then …

… and then, 20-of-33 completions for 328 yards and five touchdowns. This from a guy with six career touchdown passes coming into the game. And it all came after D.A. started 3-for-10 with a sack and a fumble. Similar stats got Charlie Frye fried the previous week.

So the pendulum swings the other way after a week of turmoil. We went from the optimism of a new season to the pessimism a crushing defeat by Pittsburgh brings back to the optimism a stirring victory coupled with a trip to winless Oakland. Just don’t get too excited. After all, Kelly Holcomb has two of the Browns biggest passing yardage days in the regular season and one of their biggest in the playoffs. There's a reason the slot machine rarely hits triple 7s.

2007-09-13T11:01:00.000-04:00

Oh, no, Ocho

Browns fans, your honor is at stake.

Last week, your arch-rivals from Pittsburgh came to town and left with your wives, your girlfriends, your children -- basically everything that wasn't nailed down. Heck, they basically left with your former starting quarterback.

Now Cincinnati Bengal wants what's left. He wants the Dawg Pound.

Known for his flamboyant celebrations, sometimes mohawk, and 42 career touchdowns, tell-all Chad has a special one planned for his team's game at Clevland Browns Stadium. He wants to bring the Lambeau Leap to the Dawg Pound.

"I hope I get in there," he said. "They can give me some popcorn -- throw some beers at me - whatever they want to do. I'm going to jump in the Dawg Pound. It should be fun. It would be a first."

That's right. Good ole Ocho Cinco plans to toss his No. 85-clad body INTO THE DAWG POUND if he scores a touchdown at that end of the field.

The Dawg Pound. That sacred place where true Browns fans congregate to dress like extras from The Hills Have Eyes 2, root on their Browns, get drunk, scream obscenities, fight, and pee without actually going to the bathroom.

The Dawg Pound. The true representation of Cleveland football. The true identity of the Cleveland Browns, harkening back to Frank Minnifield and Hanford Dixon. It's where Big Dawg John Thompson became a minor celebrity, where Bone Lady holds court, ~~where Charlie's Fryes root on their favorite quarterback.~~

It's what makes Cleveland Browns football Cleveland Browns football. Just say Dawg Pound within earshot of football fans, and they'll know exactly what you're talking about. Well, unless they're wearing a Michael Vick jersey.

And now Chad Johnson wants to invade.

Look, Browns fans, five straight double-digit losses to Pittsburgh are humiliating. Seven straight losses within the division are humiliating. Appointing Charlie Frye your starting quarterback and then trading him after he plays for a quarter and a half is humiliating. Right now, just being a Cleveland Browns fan is humiliating.

But right now it's time to draw the line. Do whatever is needed to keep Chad Johnson from leaping into the Dawg Pound. It's up to you, Browns fans, because Browns players don't seem capable. Put a brick wall up in front of the Pound, raise a giant net, dig a moat between the end zone and the stands, bring a few guard dawgs from home to guard you. Do whatever it takes to keep Chad Johnson from taking away the last thing we have to be proud of.

2007-09-12T10:33:00.000-04:00

A little Byrd-ie told me

You get the feeling that in this town, if the Browns announced they had done nothing, absolutley nothing, for the day, it would be bigger news than an Indians pennant race. So you can imagine what happens when they become the first team in history to trade the quarterback who started their first game before they even played their second game.

Yes, news of the Indians reducing their magic number to 11 -- lowest in baseball, by the way -- reaches us in whispers while sky-is-falling rhetoric about the Browns and ex-quarterback Charlie Frye hits us from all angles. Yes, the Indians won 8-3 last night, right about the time that Charlie Frye was boarding a plane for Seattle, probably never to be seen again.

If you believe the Seattle Post Intelligencer, Frye will be the third quarterback on a team that saw fit to go into the season with just two of them. The incumbent, Matt Hasselbeck, won't be taking a seat on the bench anytime soon. And he won't be moving backup quarterback Seneca Wallace to wide receiver,either.

So while Patrick McManamon is stunned and baffled, while Terry Pluto tries to figure out just what the heck the Browns are doing, while Angry Tony looks ahead to Plan C, and while fans in the blogosphere call for the heads of everyone from Rover Cleveland to Art Modell, we'll just keep focusing on the Indians who just keep focusing on winning. Last night's 8-3 victory over the White Sox behind unsung hero Paul Byrd gives the Tribe 17 wins in their last 21 games. Their 6.5 game lead over the Detroit Tigers is the second-largest of any division leader. And perhaps we've got some security through 2012, since the last-place Chicago White Sox decided yesterday that Ozzie Guillen's the man to run the show for the next half-decade.

Everywhere else they can decry the Charlie Frye trade. Here, we'll just keep counting down to 94 wins.

2007-09-11T14:13:00.000-04:00

Frye no longer the guy

Go west, young man, the Browns have told Charlie Frye. The geniuses in charge of the Browns have decided a guy they cut a week ago (Ken Dorsey) is better than the guy that chose to start the first game (Charlie Frye).

Early rumors had the Browns talking trade with the New York Giants and Atlanta Falcons before striking a deal with the Seattle Seahawks. Apparently the Giants laughed and hung up the phone while the Falcons said they'd rather wait for Michael Vick to get out of jail.

Maybe the Browns should have sent Charlie to Cincinnati, then dispatched someone to Bengals practice with a club to try out on Carson Palmer's reconstructed knee.

Apparently the Browns will receive a sixth-round draft pick from the Seahawks. This came as a surprise to Phil Savage, who was willing to accept three Venti Pumpkin Spice lattes and free shipping on all books about football coaching ordered through Amazon.com.

Meanwhile, Browns fans vent their frustrations with the current regime on message boards all over the Internet.

2007-09-11T12:39:00.000-04:00

Bringing Dorsey back

We've come a long way from Bernie Bernie and The 12 Days of Browns Christmas. Now Browns fans are stuck with the Ken Dorsey Fight Song. (Sorry, Justin Timberlake.):

They're bringing Dorsey back
Them other QBs can't avoid a sack
Ken's a special type of quarterback
Turn us around and pick up the slack.

Take em' to the end zone!

[Bridge]

Ken Dorsey
Avoid the tacklers
Baby you amaze
Whip up on the Bengals when they misbehave
Derek and Charlie can't make us feel this way

Take em' to the playoffs!

[Chorus]

Come here, Ken
Go ahead, be gone with it
Come on, quarterback
Go ahead, be gone with it
MVP
Go ahead, be gone with it
Drinks on me
Go ahead, be gone with it
Let me see what you're working with
Go ahead, be gone with it
Look at those tight ends!
Go ahead, be gone with it
You make me smile
Go ahead, be gone with it
Go ahead child
Go ahead, be gone with it
And get your touchdown on
Go ahead, be gone with it
Get your touchdown on
Go ahead, be gone with it

[X6]
Get your sexy on

They're bringing Dorsey back
Them other QBs don't know how to act
Come on, Ken, make up for the things they lack
Cause we're burning up I gotta get it fast
Take em' to the end zone

[Bridge]

[Chorus]

They're bringing Dorsey back
Tell Charlie Frye to get his bag packed
Now all you Steelers better watch your back
Cause he'll burn it up for us and that's a fact
Take em' to the playoffs!

2007-09-11T11:52:00.000-04:00

Want Frye with that?

In what has quickly become the biggest disaster in Cleveland sports since Art Modell boarded a plane on a Baltimore tarmac, the Browns are working on trading Charlie Frye -- or just flat out cutting him.

Callers to WKNR suggested trading him to IHOP for a $20 gift certificate, or to Tyson Chicken so he could run the assembly line.

Now, while this isn't Bill Belichick releasing fan favorite Bernie Kosar for "diminished skills", it's certainly another black mark on a once-proud franchise. A quarter and a half against your arch-rival was all you needed to see to know that Charlie Frye couldn't get it done? The 18 other games Charlie started in his career didn't give you enough evidence? If Browns brass didn't think poorly enough of Charlie Frye to dump him in the offseason, why in the world do it now when every other team has seen that he still sucks? And while most fans will miss Charlie as much as they miss a cold, the fact remains that this is to whom the Browns decided to hitch their wagon.

Rumors abound that Charlie could go to the New York Giants, who may or may not be in the market for a quarterback thanks to Eli Manning's shoulder injury. And then there's that team in Atlanta, whose former quarterback specialized in killing dogs (not Dawgs). Perhaps that is Charlie's new destination.

If neither of those works out, the Browns will flat out cut their starting quarterback.

In any case, this is a colossol blunder that should cost the entire Browns front office and coaching staff their jobs. They've taken the most important position on the team and turned it into a joke. Obviously Phil Savage wasn't smart enough from the beginning to realize that his team couldn't win with Charlie Frye. And having Frye (and stiff backup Derek Anderson) forced on him has made Romeo Crennel look like he's constantly constipated.

You can bet they're celebrating in Dallas, where the odds of hearing, "With the first pick in the 2008 NFL Draft, the Dallas Cowboys select Darren McFadden, running back, Arkansas" just got that much better.

2007-09-11T10:04:00.000-04:00

The morning roundup

And you thought the Browns were providing plenty of material before they brought Ken Dorsey back into town. The Plain Dealer provided the headline that will sum up the Browns season even though there's 15 more games to play: What Are They Doing Now? The only thing missing was three more question marks. Ken Dorsey to the rescue!

Now rumors abound that Charlie Frye will be released. ProFootballTalk.com is the only place putting the kibosh on that one. The site also says Dorsey actually LIVES in Berea. Poor guy.

Still, the Browns have plenty of other unanswered questions, like exactly who is going to start Sunday's game, says Marla Ridenour. And who will be cut if Dorsey rejoins the team. And, as Patrick McManamon wonders, why is the defense so lousy?

Bud Shaw says the Browns owe their fans, especially the guy who has spent 11 grand watching them suck for the past few years.

Only in Cleveland could a horrible football team lose a game horrible to the team that always treats it like an ant at a picnic and have it overshadow a first-place baseball team. The Tribe won once again, enduring a near 2½-hour rain delay to beat the White Sox 6-2 in a game that ended after Monday Night Football. Their magic number is now 14.

Despite all this, it's nothing compared to what would have been on GHCS had the Internet been around 25 years ago. We're reminded of that with the passing of Ted Stepien, former Cavs owner, to whom Bob Dolgan and Bob Finnan pay tribute today.

2007-09-10T18:18:00.000-04:00

For openers ...

Our Browns have played 55 home openers since joining the NFL in 1950. Believe it or not, usually the Browns leave the home team happy, with a 28-26-1 record in those openers.

It's only recently they've left us feeling like a kindergartner ready to pee his pants on the first day of school when the season opens. Since returning to the NFL in 1999, the Browns have opened the season at home every year. They're 1-8 in those games. In three of them the winning points came with one second or less showing on the clock.

When the Browns blow a home opener, they really blow it. This year they didn't even make it to the last play of the game before we began talking about the end of both Charlie Frye's and Romeo Crennel's Browns careers.

Where does this home-opening disaster rank among the Browns' all-time flops? Let's count them down ...

8. VIKINGS 42, BROWNS 10 (1975)
-- It wasn't disappointing, as the Browns were an awful team that lost its first nine games. But a 42-10 loss wasn't fun for the 68,064 in attendance. And it was the beginning of the worst three-game home stretch in team history. The next week, the Steelers joined in the fun by crushing the Browns 42-6. Then the Houston Oilers followed with a 40-10 victory in the fourth game of the season. This thoroughly forgettable version of the Browns finished with a 3-11 record, worst in team history to that point.

Tbe game was so awful it prompted coach Forrest Gregg to say, "We didn't even make the Vikings mad at us."

7. CARDINALS 49, BROWNS 13 (1965)

After starting with a 17-7 victory over the Washington Redskins, the Browns came back home to begin defense of another NFL championship -- and were buried in front of 80,161 fans. Not only does the 36-point loss stand up as the second-most lopsided loss in a Browns home opener, but the team also lost staring quarterback Frank Ryan to injury.

Ryan only missed one game, and like the 1950 edition -- and certainly unlike our current squad -- the Browns rebounded to make the NFL Championship once again. This time they lost to the Green Bay Packers, 23-12.

6. STEELERS 43, BROWNS 0 (1999)

OK, it's the worst home-opening loss in Browns history. It was the worst offensive performance in team history, as Ty Detmer led the Browns to 40 total yards. It was the Steelers biggest margin of victory in Cleveland. All of it came in front of 73,138 fans.

But at least the lopsided loss could be tempered by the fact that football was back! If we only knew ...

5. CHARGERS 44, BROWNS 14 (1981)
In what has become something of a tradition, the fans were booing the Browns at halftime as quarterback Fouts brought his Chargers into Cleveland Municipal Stadium and scored the second-most points against the Browns in an opener. The Chargers' output was expected; Fouts had set an NFL record the previous season. The Browns was not, as quarterback Brian Sipe was the one who won the MVP award in 1980.

It was the first of many disappointments as the Browns went 5-11 following their Kardiac Kids season.

4. SAINTS 19, BROWNS 14 (2006)
OK, so the Saints turned out to be a pretty good team. And the Browns turned out to be a pretty lousy team. But no one knew that's how it would be heading in. Instead, the Browns hit a 74-yard touchdown pass on the first play of the game, only to see it called back because of a holding penalty.

Indeed, the whole season should have been called back.

3. STEELERS 34, BROWNS 7 (2007)
Sure, the high hopes for this season were based on our third-string rookie quarterback who wasn't going to play unless he brought his GameBoy. But four penalties on one play? Charlie Frye yanked before halftime? A game that reminded us of that first game back in 1999?

Ugh.

2. GIANTS 6, BROWNS 0 (1950)

The Browns brought a helluva report card into their first NFL home game. They had won four straight All-America Football Conference titles before the NFL admitted them. Stars such as quarterback Otto Graham, receivers Dante Lavelli and Mac Speedie, and kicker Lou Groza helped the Browns dominate the AAFC with a 52-4-3 record. They had opened with convincing victories over the Philadelphia Eagles and Baltimore Colts by a combined 66-10.

Then the Giants handed the Browns their first ever shutout in front of 37,647 fans. Yoiu thought the Browns had bad quarterbacks Sunday? Otto Graham didn't complete a pass in the first half against the Giants and threw four interceptions.

Of course, that Browns team turned out to be pretty good. It went 10-2, losing twice to the Giants in the regular season, before turning around and beating the Giants in the playoffs and then winning the NFL championship over the Rams, 30-28.

1. CHIEFS 40, BROWNS 39 (2002)

Dwayne Rudd lost his head, then his helmet, and the Browns lost themselves a game they had won in the most disappointing home opener in team history.

One what should have been the final play of the game, the former Brown linebacker had Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Trent Green wrapped up for a sack. But just before Rudd planted Green, the QB tossed the ball away to lineman John Tait. Tait only made it to the Browns' 25. Game over, right?

Wrong. Rudd didn't know Green had rid himself of the ball. Rudd decided to celebrate by ripping his helmet off and throwing it while running the other way. That brought a 15-yard unsportsmanlike penalty, giving the Chiefs one more play. They made it count when Gary Anderson nailed a 30-yard field goal to win the game.

Tony Grossi wrote perhaps his most prescient paragraph ever in The Plain Dealer: "There may be no worse way to lose a football game. Then again, stay tuned."

We only needed to stay tuned to the end of the season, when the Browns finally made the playoffs, then choked away their chance in a loss at arch-rival Pittsburgh in the AFC Wild Card game. The Browns haven't even been able to spell playoffs since.

2007-09-10T09:28:00.000-04:00

Eulogies for the Browns

The Indians are back in front of the AL Central by seven games, the Tigers are effectively neutered by the end of Jeremy Bonderman's season, but no one would know it because of all the hand-wringing over the hapless Browns.

There's Bill Livingston, who's head is spinning from the Browns quarterback carousel. There's Terry Pluto, who has to look really, really hard -- like through the Hubble Telescope -- to find signs of anything remotely good about this Browns game. Then there's these poor suckers, who spent upwards of $1,500 to watch this priceless performance. And Bob Finnan throws the first spadeful of dirt on Charlie Frye's grave.

Yahoo's James C. Black says Romeo Crennel is close to being Butch Davised, while the Browns get the only team showing on ESPN.com's Studs & Duds (and it's not hard to guess which side they fall into).

In Pittsburgh, Gene Collier says the Steelers used the Browns as a big old punching bag -- and we would know, as we felt it right in the gut while Bob Smizik wonders if the Steelers are that good or the Browns that bad. (Bob, do you really have to ask?)

Maybe what your mother said is true -- if you can't say anything good, don't say anything at all.

2007-09-09T20:06:00.000-04:00

That's a lose

The best football analyst around sat on a bench in Public Square with a Browns pocket schedule in hand, reading off his predictions for the upcoming season.

"Then they got Baltimore -- that's a lose," he said as his audience slowly crept away. "Then New England. A lose.

"Now Miami. They might win that."

And this was hours BEFORE the latest wake by the lake in Cleveland Browns Stadium. Final score: Steelers 34, Browns 7. If you measure yourself against your rival, the Browns are getting worse and worse. During the Steelers' eight-game winning streak against the Browns, Cleveland has come within two touchdowns just twice. Pittsburgh has scored 24 or more the last seven times.

Hammer, meet nail. The new rivalry.

Remember when Brady Quinn joined the team late because of his holdout? Every minute away was time Quinn was falling behind in learning the offense.

"He's pretty far behind," said Crennel once Quinn missed his eighth day of training camp. "We have a lot of offense and we're putting it in every day. It takes a while to get this down and get caught up on it."

Well, here's what the guys who DIDN'T miss any training camp gave the Browns: six sacks, six penalties, three turnovers, and one quarterback change. And that was just in the first half. Charlie Frye was 4-of-10 for 34 yards and an interception, Derek Anderson was 3-of-10 for 34 yards with a lost fumble, and Crennel was tripping over the wire on his headset.

If all three of them had left Cleveland Browns Stadium at halftime and joined the Peace Corps, no one would have missed them.

And to think, all of this might just have started because the Browns were being cheap in signing a replacement punter for Dave Zastudil. When Paul Ernster simply dropped the snap on his first punt attempt from inside his 10, it set into motion a Rube Goldbergian series of events that had the Browns staring at a 17-0 deficit before Big Dawg was back from his first beer run.

First, the Browns kept hoping that the injured Zastudil would be able to play. When it became apparent Saturday morning that Zastudil's back wouldn't allow it, the Browns picked up Paul Ernster off the scrap heap. ProFootballTalk.com's rumor mill said the Browns may have chosen Ernster over more experienced punters such as Scott Player and Josh Miller because the latter two are vested veterans who would receive their entire first-year salary if cut after the first week. That doesn't apply to Ernster, who had only played one season. Aren't the Dolans supposed to be the cheap ones?

Back to the schedule, and the Public Square expert ...

... next week vs. the Bengals? "A lose."
... then at the Radiers. "Probably a lose."
... Ravens? Patriots? "Lose."
... the Dolphins at home. "They might win."

Then there's the bye week. And Brady Quinn. Which won't matter, because the next three games are a the Rams, at home against the Seahawks, and on the road in Pittsburgh. Then there's a trip to Baltimore.

Somewhere the Dallas Cowboys are smiling.

2007-09-09T08:47:00.000-04:00

Your morning reading

* A Cy Young contender keeps our team in first place. Yes, this is about a Cleveland team.

* God hates Cleveland tailgaiters.

* Mary Kay Cabot thinks the Browns might actually be able to score. Some points.

* Phil Savage tells Terry Pluto this is your Browns team for the next three to five years. Gulp.

* Bill Livingston fires up the "Brady! Brady! Brady!" bandwagon.

* Tony Grossi ranks the Browns front office right around where most people rank the Browns. Hey, Tony, how long before you get mad this season?

* The only Romeo Crennel watch is the one on the coach's wrist, if you believe what Phil Savage is selling Bud Shaw.

* The Steelers have won seven in a row and 13 of 14, 14 of 17 since the Browns returned in 1999, seven of eight in Cleveland, and their last four openers, but Charlie Frye still likes the Browns chances.

* The Akron Beacon Journal really has nothing to say, other than Joe Jurevicius smells hot dogs and beer when he goes to the game.

* No worries -- Jeff Schudel points out that the Browns have beaten the Steelers' new coach in their first try every time! Too bad the last time they did it, none of the cast of High School Musical 2 was out of diapers.

2007-09-08T22:49:00.001-04:00

Guilty as charged

-- for a minute

Terry Pluto made God Hates Cleveland Sports feel guilty.

Not for taking the summer off! Heck, no!

No, Terry Pluto wrote that familiar refrain when our teams are doing well: Quit yer crying!! Our Indians are in first place and they've just about got the division wrapped up. Yet still, says Pluto, "Hands wring, teeth gnash, violins weep."

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ... you talking to me?

Sure, there's been no lack of hands wringing, no shortage of teeth gnashing, and no lack of violins weeping here at GHCS. Well, except for the last three months. But the Steelers are in town, so lets start again!

Or maybe not. Maybe Terry Pluto is right. Maybe we should just sit back, and if winning is inevitable, just relax and enjoy it. Let's put on our #46 Doug Jones uniform, sit in the bleachers, and gulp down some dollar hot dogs. Let's call in to Bruce Drennan and Schwabby and praise Casey Blake's ability to be as average as can be. Let's send our name into the Indians' playoff ticket lottery and make plans for as many October nights as we can. After all, this is Cleveland Indians baseball we're talking about.

Terry Pluto made us feel guilty and we were on the verge of doing all that ...

... except ...

... except that just a few hours later Browns cornerback Leigh Bodden was arrested at the airport.

... except that just a few days later that seven-game Indians lead was down to five games and the Detroit Tigers were showing signs of life with a four-game winning streak.

... except that the Pittsburgh Steelers are in town, and Joshua Cribbs was predicting a Browns victory. (Here's a secret -- he's the only one.)

Yeah, we felt guilty for a few hours, because after all we DO have a first-place team on our hands. And we are riding high after the Cavs appearance in the NBA Finals just a few months ago. And we did get Brady Quinn AND Joe Thomas in the NFL draft.

But then Leigh Bodden reminded us -- you don't live in Cincinnati, you live in Cleveland!

And then we were just guilty for taking a summer vacation.

2007-06-15T00:46:00.000-04:00

The sweep

Sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep.

Sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep .

Sweep sweep sweep sweep.
Sweep sweep sweep sweep.

Sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep.

Sad.

2007-06-13T19:28:00.000-04:00

Welcome back to Cleveland

The Cavs slogan for this postseason is "Rise Up." After the first three games of the NBA Finals, most of us will settle for "Show Up."

The Cavs haven't exactly impressed with their first impression on the NBA's biggest stage. Coach Mike Brown kept his best lineup off the floor for most of the first two games, choosing to go with Limping Larry Hughes over hot rookie Daniel Gibson until Hughes' foot fell off. In Game 2 the Cavs fell behind by the third-largest halftime margin in NBA history, 25 points. In Game 3, Anderson Varejao took a shot against Tim Duncan that Varejao's Fathead image would have had a better chance making. And in that third game -- the Cavs first chance to play a Finals game in front of the home crowd -- San Antonio managed the third-lowest winning total in an NBA Finals game.

Of course when Brown finally started Gibson, the rookie sensation matched Hughes' 1-for-10 from the previous two games. Of course when the Cavs got plenty of wide-open looks from 3-point land, they made just 3-of-19, reminiscent of Ohio State's 3-point meltdown against Florida in the NCAA Men's Basketball Championship back in April, when the Buckeyes went 4-for-23 from behind the arc.

Of course.

If this is what we've been waiting 37 years for the Cavs to do, bring back the Ted Stepien days.

Whereas downtown streets were clogged until nearly dawn after the Cavs knocked out the Pistons in Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals, the postgame festivities after the first NBA Finals game ever held in Cleveland consisted of getting out of Dodge as fast as possible. Within an hour, streets surrounding The Q were as empty as a Cleveland sports championship trophy case.

So now instead of a celebration Game 4 is looking more like a burial. The Cavs are so far gone they're not even on life support any more. The Spurs will be bringing the hammers and nails, the Cavs the coffins. Not exactly what we wanted to Witness.

But then again, what else do you ever see in Cleveland?

There is hope. Shaquille O'Neal's Orlando Magic were swept in his first NBA Finals appearance back in 1994. Magic Johnson's teams were swept twice. That's what we always tell ourselves in Cleveland, though -- there is hope. We're still waiting for next year, for 43 years and counting.

2007-06-12T16:14:00.000-04:00

Show us some Boobie!

So far in the NBA Finals, the Cavs have suffered from the same affliction that affects every single red-blooded American male -- and French male, and Italian male, and Argentinian male.

Not enough Boobie.

We need boobie in the morning, we need boobie in the afternoon, and we need boobie at night. We need boobie with breakfast, boobie with lunch, boobie with dinner, and boobie with dessert. ESPECIALLY with dessert. We need big portions of boobie, small portions of boobie, and medium-sized portions of boobie.

In short, we need boobie.

And so do the Cavs.

With Larry Hughes playing on a foot that's ready to fall off, the Cavs have no one to defend San Antonio point guard Tony Parker. (And who's every been defenseless against a Frenchman?) Not only has Tony Parker scored 59 points in the first two NBA Finals games, but Hughes has made just 1-of-10 shooting. Not exactly like Travis Hafner overcoming a poor glove with a hot bat.

So everyone's been clamoring for more Daniel "Boobie" Gibson, the Cavs rookie point guard. He's averaged 15½ points in the first two games while being part of the ensemble that has led a couple of Cavs fourth-quarter comebacks that fell short.

Hey, sounds good. The more Boobie the better. And the more boobie the better. We might just get it tonight (finally). Hughes says he's not going to start Game 3 against the Spurs. Must be a major bummer for him, first NBA Finals in front of the home crowd and he might not even be able to step on the court.

So Boobie we're going to get.

2007-06-07T17:52:00.001-04:00

GHCS on the TV

Sure, it's a face made for radio. But Vic Gideon at WKYC Channel 3 thought it was good enough for a few seconds of television. That's right, it's God Hates Cleveland Sports on the TV. Check it out!

2007-06-07T16:02:00.000-04:00

Some kind of LeBronderful

He's the uncommon denominator, this Lebron James, the once-in-a-generation factor who has changed our sports equation, helped us reverse our attitude from "woe is me" to "WHOA! is he ... ???", and who really has made the rest of the sports world root for Cleveland for once (even though anyone who actually things the Cavs will win is apparently a fool).

Sure, we're just happy to be here, kinda like a guy who just got run over by a bus but somehow gets right back up unscratched. For a town that's spent a lot of time under that bus over the past few decades, we have a lot of self-confidence. And that's all because of LeBron.

The dark-cloud-in-front-of-the-silver-lining view says that, no Charlie LeBrown, you're not kicking that football. Just what in the world are you thinking? It's a setup, this whole Cavs-in-the-NBA Finals thing. Our team is being sent like Christians to the lions to be torn apart just to verify to everyone that all is well with the universe cuz the sky is blue, grass is green, and it still sucks to root for a Cleveland team.

But that's not what it feels like. Not this time. Not after LeBron's Game 5 performance against the Pistons. It feels amazing, it feels wonderful, it feels unbelievable, and it feels fantastic, but it also feels right. It feels like the Cavs do belong here. It feels like the start of something big.

OK, now. Close your eyes. Deep breaths. Now look around. The basket's still 10 feet above the ground. The foul line's still 15 feet from the rim. There's still five guys per team on the floor. And one of ours is LeBron james, the uncommon denominator, the difference maker.

It's history in the making, and maybe, just maybe, history in the erasing.

2007-06-06T12:51:00.000-04:00

Celebrate good times

OK, so we took to the streets following the Cavaliers advancement to the NBA Finals, which is all well and good. We've become starving dogs waiting for a championship of any kind (other than the WNBA or indoor soccer), so just smelling a big, juicy steak is enough to set us off. The streets became sidewalks, car windows became seats, downtown became one giant victory parade.

But it's time to set some ground rules, people. Please keep in mind that we really haven't won anything yet. We just have the CHANCE to win it all now. Since it's been 130-plus sports seasons since one of our teams won anything, and since only three times in those seasons have our teams even played for the championship (that would be the Indians in the World Series in 1954, 1995, and 1997), we don't know what to do right now. After all, we're the city that threw a party on Public Square for our Indians when they finished second in 1995.

So here's your primer for celebrating (or not celebrating) during the NBA Finals against the San Antonio Spurs.

DO NOT burn any cars or couches. That is reserved for Detroit and drunken fraternity parties in Columbus.

DO yell out "Nice, Boobie" anytime Daniel "Boobie" Gibson touches the ball.

DO kiss any girl within arm's length after every basket that gives the Cavs the lead in the fourth quarter of any game. No matter how big her boyfriend is.

DO NOT say, "This reminds me of The Drive/The Fumble/The Shot/The Mesa" if the Cavs screw something up during any of the games. LeBron James is trying to make us forget.

DO NOT start "O-H ... I-O" chants. This is Cleveland, not Columbus, and we finally have something to root for other than Ohio State football.

DO start "Pittsburgh sucks" chants. Because Pittsburgh ALWAYS sucks.

DO NOT pray for a basket or rebound by the Cavs late in the game, or for the Spurs to miss. Because you might just get The Big Guy to start hating Cleveland sports again.

2007-06-05T16:27:00.000-04:00

Lit up like Vegas

OK, now what? A Cleveland team has made it to the NBA Finals. How exactly do we handle this prosperity stuff?

When the Ping Pong balls bounced our way in 2003, meaning Akron native LeBron James was staying home, he promised us that he was going to light Cleveland up like Las Vegas. But who really believed him? In the city that names its sports tragedies, that was like the hottest girl in school promising to call you sometime. Believe it, and you're going to the prom dateless.

But something happened. LeBron lived up to the hype immediately, debuting with 25 points, nine assists, six rebounds, and four steals against the Sacramento Kings. Sure, the Cavs lost -- like usual. Sure they went just 35-47 that first year. Sure, they choked their way out of a playoff spot the following season by losing three of their last five games. Sure, they choked away a great chance to beat the Detroit Pistons in the conference semifinals last season. Sure, they looked like just another Cleveland team that would litter our memories with broken promises.

But something was happening. And when LeBron James finally ascended to his throne in Game 5 of the Eastern Conference finals against the Pistons, scoring 29 of the Cavs' last 30 points en route to a double-overtime victory over the Pistons, we all believed again.

And something's happening. It's different this time, with a transcendant player leading the way, someone with the confidence of an action hero. Someone talented enough to put his team and a city on his back. Someone young enough to help erase the past while remembering everything that's happened before.

Our last chance at a championship came when the Indians made the World Series 10 years ago. And that's really not that long ago. But a lot's happened between now and then. The Browns were gone, came back to much fanfare, but spent most of their new lives wobbling around on legs not strong enough to hold up a newborn pony. The Indians began shedding their most popular players as well as their fans, taking us to the precipice of the playoffs in 2005 before leaving us sitting outside the dance and then going back into the tank. And the Cavs were basically irrelevent, with six straight losing seasons.

Now? Now the Cavs have a chance to win almost as many games this postseason (16) as they did in all of the 2002-03 season (17), the final year without LeBron. And we have a chance to exorcise the demons of the past.

Can we handle it?

2007-05-23T19:52:00.000-04:00

Boozer rhymes with loser

Don't look now, but the Detroit Pistons have won 11 consecutive playoff series in which they've won the first game. Couple that with the fact that teams with a 1-0 lead and home-court advantage in Game 2 of a best-of-7 NBA series have won 222 series while losing just 35, and it looks like we'll be waiting a lot longer than the rest of these playoffs before feeling good about the Cavs again.

So here's a few things to take solace in while waiting for the Cavs to play pavement to the Detroit steamroller:

1) Carlos Boozer will be knocked out of the playoffs even sooner than the Cavs.
-- Yes, it looks like another Pistons-San Antonio Spurs NBA Finals matchups, what with the Spurs dismantling Boozer's Utah Jazz in the first two games of their series. The Spurs won Game 1 by eight and Game 2 by nine, nearly identical results. The Jazz will have to win four out of the next five to advance. San Antonio had only one stretch this season where it lost that many games. The Spurs lost their last three games of the regular season and the first game of the playoffs. But for two of those games, they rested their best players. So don't count on it happening again. Boozer will have to content himself with his big contract, cause he ain't getting a ring.

2) The NBA Draft Lottery ensured the Cavs will remain among the elite of a weak Eastern Conference.
-- Thanks to some bouncy Ping Pong balls, it looks like Ohio State big man Greg Oden will wind up with the Portland Trail Blazers and Texas' Kevin Durant will head to Seattle. That's right, make those Western Conference teams even stronger!

3) No choosing between the Cavs and American Idol.
-- Not that there would be any choice of course, but the NBA will allow you to watch both. Especially if you are a teen-aged girl or pussy-whipped. Game 2 of the Cavs-Pistons series won't be played until Thursday because the NBA did not want to compete with the American Idol finals.

4) Higher draft pick for the Cavs.
-- Oops, maybe not -- they traded their first-round pick away!

2007-05-22T14:10:00.000-04:00

The shot not heard round the world

It's not the shot that was the problem for the Cavs in their Eastern Conference finals opener against the Detroit Pistons Monday night. It's the Cavs' attitude.

That, and the fact that it was a Cleveland team taking the shot to try to win a playoff game in the final seconds. Which is why when Michael Jordan takes The Shot it is capitalized, and when Donyell Marshall takes the shot it is not.

Just remember, LeBron James driving the lane, drawing the attention of the entire defense like he's a magnet and the opponents are made of metal, then dishing to the corner for a game-winning three-ball try is an established part of the Cavs' repertoire. James connected with Damon Jones on such a play to beat the Toronto Raptors by a point last March, just a few days after matching up with Flip Murray on almost the exact same play in a win over the Chicago Bulls. Then there was Game 6 of the first round of the playoffs last year, when Larry Hughes found Damon Jones alone in the corner for a 23-footer to decide the series in the Cavs favor by a point.

All three treys came on the road with less than five seconds to go. So don't pretend LeBron's pass to Donyell Marshall was a surprise. It's part of a pattern.

Of course, so is not winning a championship since 1964. But maybe that's got something to do with the attitude being displayed after the Pistons took a 1-0 lead in the best-of-7 series, giving them an 86.4% chance of advancing to the NBA Finals based on past results (which of course are no guarantee of future success).

Consider LeBron's comments. Apparently he hasn't figured out yet that he doesn't live in Cincinnati, he lives in Cleveland, since he said, "We're OK with this loss tonight." And head coach Mike Brown said it's only one game. Well guess what, Coach, there might be only three more left with that line of thinking. Even Zydrunas Ilgauskas, the elder statesman of the team who might very well be running out of tomorrows, took the loss in stride: "I'm disappointed we lost, but we've got a lot of bullets left."

That's good to hear. Usually our teams have no bullets left after they shoot themselves in the foot every time they get into the playoffs.

Let's face it, Charles Barkley is right. The Cavs need a point guard and the Cavs need a shooting guard. To surround LeBron James with average-to-decent players, ask him to do everything, them blame him when he can't, is ridiculous. Sure, we'll hear the same rhetoric every time, that LeBron made the smart basketball play, that LeBron trusts his teammates, that LeBron would do it again next time, etc., etc. But he can't do it all, and he won't do it all. Why do you think Donyell Marshall's on this team? In two seasons with the Cavs, he's tried 666 treys and 498 regular field goals. It's the 3-pointer, stupid!

But if your 3-point shooter can't make the 3-pointer, and your superstar still takes the blame after coming within one assist of a triple double -- well, then your probably a Cleveland team. And just think, if Donyell Marshall hits the trey, LeBron gets his triple double.

Instead, we're left with the old college try and a 1-0 deficit.

So debate the pass vs. the shot all you want. Rail against our bad fortunes. Curse the Detroit teams that have had our number of the past few years. But what you should really be concerned about is the attitude that a team in Cleveland can just take a close loss instead of being upset that it didn't step on its foes throat when it had the chance. After all, second chances here are few and far between.

2007-05-17T20:18:00.000-04:00

You just keep telling yourself that

You tell yourself not to worry about the New Jersey Nets' victory over the Cavs in Game 5 of the NBA Eastern Conference semifinals. After all, only two of the previous 114 teams to lead an NBA series 3-1 and play Game 5 at home lost the series. The Nets have a better chance at beating gravity than beating the Cavs!

Then you tell yourself that Cleveland teams have a way of defying the odds. By losing Game 5, the Cavs have reduced their chances of winning the series by nearly 30%. Teams up 3-2 in an NBA series and playing Game 6 on the road are 50-20 all-time in winning the series, and just 42-28 (.600) in Game 6 itself.

You tell yourself not to worry, the Detroit Pistons lost Game 5 in the same situation, and no one's forecasting gloom and doom for them. Heck, they were up 3-0 in their series, a lead more secure than Florence ADMAX, the supermax prison in Colorado which houses the Unabomber and several al-Qaeda members .

Then you tell yourself that Carlos Boozer and the Utah Jazz had little trouble closing out the Golden State Warriors in their fifth game. And you throw up.

You tell yourself that LeBron James limping off the court at the end of the game was nothing, he was just worn out and had given up his body a moment earlier by diving for a loose ball on the sidelines.

Then you ask yourself just what the heck LeBron James was still doing in the game at that point since the outcome was already pretty much determined -- especially when his eight-months' pregnant girlfriend had been taken to the hospital on a stretcher at halftime?

You tell yourself you didn't expect the series to go less than six games anyway, by golly, this is where you expected it to be anyway!

Then you tell yourself that you live in Cleveland, and by golly you're going to forget that part of it when Game 6 rolls around.

2007-05-15T14:15:00.000-04:00

Looking ahead

Bring on the Pistons!

That's what we're all thinking now, after the Cavs beat New Jersey in Game 4 of their best-of-7 series to take a commanding 3-1 lead. Heck, it's pretty much what the Cavs have been thinking all season long, ever since losing to the Pistons in the Eastern Conference semifinals last season. That's why the Cavs seemed to sleepwalk through certain games this season, infuriating fans with losses to the Charlotte Bobcats (twice), Atlanta Hawks, New York Knicks (twice), and Boston Celtics. That's why LeBron James said before Game 4 against the Nets that teams can't take plays off in the playoffs, but maybe you can do that a few times during the regular season.

But who in their right mind in Cleveland ever looks ahead?

That's why we'll all still be nervous Wednesday night when the Nets come back to The Q for what should be their final game of the season. Even though the Cavs have gone 7-1 in the playoffs, even though they've won 11 of their last 12 dating back to the regular season, even though LeBron James is averaging 28 points per game in the playoffs (most of anyone still playing), we're still worried that the Cavs will go back into sleepwalking mode with a snap of the fingers.

But even the biggest Cleveland sports cynic should be swayed by the evidence supporting the notion to mark this series against the Nets in the win column already. Consider:

* Teams in the NBA, NHL, and MLB with a 3-1 series edge and Game 5 at home are 407-38 all-time in those series, a 91.5 winning percentage.

* NBA, NHL, and MLB teams playing in a quarterfinals series with those conditions are even better, 92-3 all-time for a 96.8 series winning percentage.

* NBA teams with a 3-1 series edge and playing Game 5 at home are 112-2 all-time, a 98.2 series winning percentage.

So there it is. Based on the history of this situation in the NBA, the Cavs have a 98.2% chance of winning. Of course, the inner beaten-down Cleveland sports fan in us will paraphrase Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber and ask, "So you're telling me there's a chance the Nets will win?" After all, we expect to get rivered here in Cleveland.

But really, there's only a 1.8% chance that the Cavs and Pistons WON'T match up in the Eastern Conference finals; just a 1.8% chance that the Cavs WON'T get their chance at revenge. After all, the Pistons are in the exact same situation as the Cavs: Game 5 at home, up 3-1 in the series. It looks LeBron and company should get their bags packed for a trip to Detroit.

And of course in the other half of the bracket lurks our Benedict Arnold, Carlos Boozer. His Jazz are also up 3-1 with Game 5 at home. So they are virtually a lock to make the Western Conference finals.

Boozer vs. the Cavs in the NBA Finals? Well, don't look ahead that much.

2007-05-14T14:30:00.000-04:00

Mother$*&#!@g day

Thanks to Oakland Athletics designated hitter Jack Cust, Indians closer Joe Borowski cussed, Tribe manager Eric Wedge cussed, everyone in the Indians dugout cussed -- heck, an entire city cussed.

Curses, foiled again.

This time it actually was a blown save, since Borowski came into the game with a two-run lead instead of a four-run lead. Since that disaster at Yankee Stadium, Borowski had picked up saves in seven of nine appearances, giving up just two runs in 8.1 innings pitched.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, up comes Milton Bradley. Still mad that Eric Wedge dismissed him at the beginning of the 2004 season, Bradley stroked a game-tying homer off Borowski with two outs in the ninth. Two more hits knocked out Borowski and brought in reliever Fernando Cabrera. Then came Babe Ruth, errrrr, Jack Cust, who socked his sixth homer in 26 at-bats to win the game for Oakland.

All this after Borowski retired the first two in the ninth and put two strikes on Eric Chavez. It's the second time this season the Tribe's closer has melted like string cheese in an oven after getting to this point. How many true championship contenders have blown more than one multiple-run lead in the ninth with two outs, no one on, and an 0-2 count on the batter. The Tribe has snatched defeat from the jaws of victory twice in such fashion this year.

It's not all bad. The Detroit Tigers were pummelled last night, leaving the Tribe just a game and a half out of first place in the AL Central with the league's third-best record. But how many games can a team just give away like quarters to a beggar and expect to compete for a playoff spot? Hey, teams lose games in the ninth. Happens all the time. Even Mariano Rivera's wheels have come off a bit this season. But with two outs, no one on, an 0-2 count on the batter, and a multiple-run lead? That just can't happen.

And it better not again.

2007-04-29T15:41:00.000-04:00

Oh, what a new feeling

Everyone knows our folklore -- no championships since the Browns NFL title in 1964. Devastating playoff losses (The Drive, The Shot, The Fumble, The Mesa). Art Modell stealing our Browns away to Baltimore. A plague of locusts, all city residents covered in boils, and a river that turned into blood. Well, at least it seems like all those bad things have happened, kind of like how your parents tell you they had to walk uphill to school both ways in the snow without a jacket, and every time they tell you the story it gets even worse.

But it actually does get even worse in Cleveland. And that's why the Cavs are on the brink of something historic in Cleveland sports history. Not only have our teams not won a title since 1964, we've only enjoyed ONE playoff sweep. That's right, nineteen playoff series for the Cavs and not a single sweep. Heck, they've only even won five of those series, and in only one of those did their opponent not win multiple games. As for the Tribe? They've been in 15 playoff series, winning seven while sweeping just one. That was their first-round series against the Red Sox, which the Indians won 3-0.

So between the Cavs and the Indians we've seen 34 playoff series and enjoyed only one sweep. ONE.

Now the Cavs are on the brink of a sweep with the Washington Wizards. Hey, there's pretty much no question that the Cavs are going to advance. No NBA team has ever overcome a 3-0 series deficit in 78 tries. Heck, we pretty much had the Cavs penciled into the second round as soon as the second-round date with the Wizards was set.

But still, a sweep? That's bucking decades of Cleveland playoff futility. They sweep dirt roads more often than our teams sweep playoff series. Our river's caught fire 10 times! It might as well be a foreign language when you're talking sweep in Cleveland.

Here we are, though, one win away. Monday night could be a whole new feeling in this town.

2007-04-28T12:48:00.000-04:00

All we wanted for Christmas

was two top draft picks

We finally got what we wanted for Christmas.

And then some.

Like Ralphie, we've been begging for our own version of a Red Rider BB gun for years -- an offensive lineman.

"Bring us an offensive lineman!" we've been shouting for years.

"You'll shoot your eye out!" they kept telling us.

Until now. Now we've got Joe Thomas, who most likely will be knocking a lot of eyes out of defensive linemen. And then we got ANOTHER top-three draft pick when the Browns traded next year's first-rounder and this year's second-rounder for Dallas' No. 22 pick and took Brady Quinn. A possible franchise quarterback. A guy from Columbus who wanted to play for the Browns. A guy who told Suzy Kolber on ESPN that "this is a childhood dream come true" right after hearing the news.

Joe Thomas AND Brady Quinn are Browns. Now can our childhood dreams come true?

Next someone will tell you that the Cavs are on the verge of sweeping a playoff series and the Indians are in first place after winning seven straight.

The Browns are destined to get an A+ for this draft. And that's before their final two picks of the day, which very well could include a running back (Arizona's Chris Henry?) and a defensive back. The decision to move up to get Quinn, even though it cost the Browns next year's first-rounder (making Dallas the latest city to root against Cleveland), is already getting rave reviews.

Really, has the rest of the league finally screwed up and allowed a Cleveland team to pull one over on them? The irony is that a Cleveland guy allowed the Browns to land Quinn. Miami's shocking choice of Glenville grad Ted Ginn Jr. knocked Quinn off the cliff.

Phil Savage finally reached out and grabbed Quinn. And now a beleaguered fanbase is hoping it's been saved as well.

2007-04-28T09:13:00.000-04:00

Your 2007 NFL Draft boo rankings

T-minus not much longer until the Browns make the Pick That Changes the Direction of the Franchise, aka the third pick overall in the 2007 NFL Draft.

And t-minus not much longer than that until the booing and second-guessing begins.

Pretty much everyone you can think of has been projected to be there by someone. Tony Grossi of The Plain Dealer forecasts QB JaMarcus Russell. ESPN's Mel Kiper and Patrick McManamon of the Akron Beacon-Journal give OT Joe Thomas to the Browns. The Dayton Daily News and Jeff Schudel of the Lake County News-Herald/Lorain Morning Journal say it's going to be RB Adrian Peterson, The Canton Repository says it's going to be QB Brady Quinn,

And a collective Browns nation says enough already, just make the damn pick!

Seems these days if you don't make a mock draft it's time to turn in your man card, even if you're a woman. And if you don't make a mock draft, you make a mockery of the draft. Blame Mel Kiper for starting us down this slippery slope, but we all know if we didn't sit here with our mouths wide open like baby birds waiting for food to be shoved down our gullets, none of this would have happened.

So after digesting the 127,346 online mock drafts, the 573,976 hours of draft previews on television, and the 6,743,225 draft conversations we've had with friends, it all comes down to this -- which Browns' draft-day decision will draw the most boos at draft parties? Here's the God Hates Cleveland Sports rankings of top prospects for boos:

1) BRADY QUINN -- The Notre Dame quarterback will draw the most boos, especially by those who have been dumped by their girlfriend for no good reason and are afraid to dive back into the pool. He's Tim Couch II, these people say, another guy who will just be pounded into submission behind a leaky offensive line. (Funny, no one ever worried about that when they put Charlie Frye back there.)

If that's not enough, taking Tim Couch II would be an indication that the Charlie Frye Era has been a mistake. (Guess what -- the Charlie Frye Era HAS been a mistake! Better to admit it then keep him under center, don't you think?) And taking Quinn would be a death sentence for coach Romeo Crennell and probably even GM Phil Savage, who wouldn't be allowed to stick around long enough for Quinn to mature. (Guess what, neither of them's sticking around if Charlie Frye sticks around either.)

2) ANY DEFENSIVE PLAYER -- This choice would be akin to falling for another used-car salesman's ad, the ole bait-and-switch tactic that sends you home with a lemon. Our draft possibilities are as ingrained as Santa's reindeer, but not once has that list ever included a defensive player. Heck, most mock drafts only have one defensive player in the Top 5, and that's defensive end Gaines Adams. Give us a player we're not familiar with as the new face of the franchise? Prepare for a Level 7 boo.

3) WR CALVIN JOHNSON -- All those worried about Tim Couch II should be especially worried about Braylon Edwards II, or K3. Or even Kevin Johnson II. Learn from Matt Millen's mistakes -- and your own. Haven't the Browns taken enough first-round pass catchers who have done nothing? If the best wide receiver has no one to throw him the ball, will he make a sound? Well, besides squawking to reporters.

4) TRADING DOWN -- It's the decidely unsexy option, but just like reading Playboy for the articles is actually not that bad of an idea, trading down gives the Browns what they really need -- the chance to take a LOT of new (and hopefully good) players. Word is that Swiss cheese is thinking of changing its name to Browns cheese, this team has so many holes. And if you can hold a player for ransom that plenty of teams covet, i.e. Calvin Johnson or JaMarcus Russell, you can turn your team over in a hurry.

5) JaMARCUS RUSSELL -- You get the feeling the Phil Savage would adopt JaMarcus Russell if he good. Ever since Russell attended Savage's football camp eight years ago, Savage has envisioned their wedding day, errrrrr, the day that Russell turned pro. Today's the day. And with all the good press Russell has received, not too many Browns fans would boo -- even if there's the danger of him turning into Akili Smith II.

6) JOE THOMAS -- Someone will boo. There's always someone. But ever since the Browns returned to the field in 1999, fans have been clamoring for the team to boost their offensive line. "Draft a lineman!" we yell every year. Heck, the very first new Brown was center Jim Pyne, taken in the expansion draft. So there should be absolutely, positively no booing if the Browns finally do draft a lineman with their first pick. Anyone who does should immediately start rooting for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

2007-04-26T23:00:00.000-04:00

Best Week Ever?

Usually here in Cleveland we watch our sports teams like dateless high-school wallflowers watch the prom. We'll look at the girls in their skimpy dresses and make clever comments, all while leaning against the wall and playing cool like we never wanted to dance with any of them anyway. Nope, not us, we're way beyond something as ridiculous as dancing with a GIRL. We're not even going to try and dance with any of them, because they might say no or something.

That's how we've been watching our teams here this past week -- leaning back, one foot propped up on the wall, and one eye on the dance floor. It's all great, really, all this winning, all these fantastic finishes, all these playoff victories. Heck, we might even get the nerve up to think we should actually ask one of the girls to dance!

Check it out:

The Indians have won five of six after their meltdown in NYC last week, while the mighty Yankees have lost every game since. The new Kardiac Tribe has won two of those in the ninth inning and two others in extra innings. And now they're in first place by a game. Roberto Hernandez has picked up two victories during the stretch while Trot Nixon smacked a homer in Thursday's game. Then there's Jhonny Peralta, who knocked in the game-winning run Wednesday. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm, it's all going just like Mark Shapiro said ...

The Cavs have done just what everyone predicted, winning the first two en route to a possible sweep of the shorthanded Washington Wizards. No, the James Gang hasn't exactly been like King Leonidas whalloping the invading Persians, but they've done just enough to get us thinking about the second round -- and perhaps even look ahead to an Eastern Conference Finals rematch with the Pistons. OK, so the Cavs haven't won by a Phoenix-like 30 points in either of the first two games, but they haven't trailed at the end of any quarter yet.
Then there's the Browns, who culminated the week with the ultimate shall-we-dance? moment, the NFL Draft. Should they ask Brady Quinn to the prom? Or Joe Thomas? But what if no one's asked that hottie JaMarcus Russell out yet -- think he's too nuts? At the same time, we all want whoever the Browns take to be the same one WE want to spend the rest of our lives with. Is it too much to hope for???

Really, what a week. The Kardiac Tribe, an unbeaten NBA playoffs run, and the NFL draft, all within seven days. This might just be the greatest Cleveland sports week since the Indians playoff run of 1997. And it all followed the most devastating regular-season loss for the Tribe in the Jacobs Field era.

Consider our best weeks of the past decade:

2006: During the Cavs' first-round playoff victory over the Wizards last year, the Indians went just 6-7.

2005: The Indians went 17-2 from Sept. 5 to Sept. 24. But the Browns were just 1-2 during that stretch. Both teams lost on Sept. 25, the Tribe in devastating fashion when Grady Sizemore lost a fly ball in the sun in the ninth inning against the Kansas City Royals.

2004: The Tribe won 10 of 11 from Aug. 4 to Aug. 14, but was the only game in town. Then they lost a battle for first place with the Twins on Aug. 15, the beginning of nine straight defeats and a plunge from contention.

2003: LeBron James outplayed the hype, debuting on Oct. 29 with 25 points, six rebounds, and nine assists in the season-opener on the road against the Sacramento Kings. Predictably, the Cavs lost this along with their next four while the Browns were losing 9-3 to the New England Patriots heading into their bye week.

2002: It was a great week until about two minutes left on Jan. 5, when Tommy Maddox and the Pittsburgh Steelers completed their comeback in the AFC wild-card game against the Browns.

2001: The Tribe's last foray into the playoffs was great for a few days, but ultimately a 2-1 series lead against the Mariners ended with a five-game series loss on Oct. 15. The Browns didn't help with a loss to division-rival Cincinnati on Oct. 14.

2000: Browns -- three wins. Cavs -- losing season in 1999-2000 and 2000-2001. Indians -- winning season, but missed the playoffs by a game. All good weeks were rendered irrelevent.

1999: The Browns returned to play their first game of their second life against the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sept. 12. They were crushed 43-0. We remained excited all week, until the Tennessee Titans whipped the Browns, 26-6. In between, the Indians went 2-6. Still, it was the greatest week of the year, even though the Tribe made the playoffs.

1998: Both our best weeks ended up the same. The Cavs lost a four-game playoff series to the Indiana Pacers in the first half of the year. The Indians lost a four-game playoff series to the New York Yankees in the second half of the year.

So there you have it. Since the magical Indians playoff run of 1997 that took us all the way to the World Series, all our Best Weeks Ever have been tinged with sadness, the proverbial dark cloud behind the silver lining. But not this one, not the one we're in the midst of. The Cavs haven't let us down, the Indians have provided several heart-stopping victories, and the Browns are poised to draft the franchise-saving hero.

Of course, there is always Saturday and the end of the week.

2007-04-19T23:12:00.000-04:00

Paying the fiddler

Eric Wedge fiddled around, Joe Borowski burned up, and A-Rod handed the Indians their most devastating regular-season loss of the Jacobs Field era.

Two outs, no one on base, bottom of the ninth on the hallowed grounds of Yankee Stadium, and Josh Phelps -- about as non-hallowed a Yankee as there's ever been -- up to bat with his team trailing 6-2. The Tribe's closer on the mound. Fans heading toward the exits. The white flag slowly being raised.

Even Phelps' home run didn't send more than a ripple through the emptying Yankee Stadium ocean. The Yankees were still a long ways away from even sniffing victory.

Then Jorge Posada singled. Johnny Damon followed with a walk.

And Eric Wedge fiddled.

Then Derek Jeter singled in a run. Bobby Abreau did the same.

And Eric Wedge fiddled.

Up came Alex Rodriguez representing the winning run. With one walkoff grand slam to his credit already this season, everyone left in Yankee Stadium was now standing.

Except for Eric Wedge, who continued to fiddle.

Borowski threw a wild pitch, then a worse one, a flat fastball right across the heart of the plate. A-Rod swung, sending an A-bomb to center for the victory. With first base open, A-Rod was allowed to swing away and drive a knockout punch out of the park.

Only then did Eric Wedge get up from the spot on the bench to which he'd been Superglued. He had to make his way to the clubhouse. Not once did he go out to talk to his closer. Not once did he send his pitching coach to calm Borowski's nerves. Instead he spent the entire ninth inning acting as if the foul lines were Invisible Fence and he was a collared dog.

He fiddled, and the Tribe's season burned.

MOST DEVASTATING LOSSES OF THE JACOBS FIELD ERA

(NON-PLAYOFF VERSION)

1) Yankees 8, Indians 6 (4/19/07) -- Six runs in the bottom of the ninth after the first two were retired.

2) Royals 5, Indians 4 (9/25/05) -- In the bottom of the ninth, Grady Sizemore lost a ball in the sun, and the Royals scored the winning run. The loss sparked the Indians to a final-week record of six losses in seven games, erasing a chance at making the playoffs.

3) Twins 4, Indians 2, 10 innings (8/15/04) -- The surprising Indians had taken the first two of a three-game set for the Twins and needed just one more win to tie for first place. Graybeard Terry Mulholland was all that stood between the Indians and first. And he did, limiting the Tribe to two runs through eight innings. That allowed Corey Koskie to stroke a two-run homer in the 10th inning, giving the Twins the victory and a two-game lead for first. The Indians fell apart, losing nine straight and before two weeks were up, they found themselves eight games out of first.

4) White Sox 3, Indians 2, 13 innings (9/25/05) -- Still with a chance to tie the White Sox for the division title and with the wild card still in hand, the Indians lost to a White Sox lineup featuring Brian Anderson in center, Ross Gload at first, Joe Borchard batting cleanup, Timo Perez in right, Chris Widger behind the plate, Geoff Blum at short, and Willie Harris at second. Two days later Ozzie gave Tribe fans the choke sign.

5) Royals sweep Tribe (5/8/06 - 5/10/06) -- With high hopes heading into the season, the Indians found themselves 17-15 and 5.5 games out of first place. A visit to Kansas City, which held the worst record in the league, looked like the prescription for the Indians pain. Instead, the Royals swept the Tribe to start a six-game losing streak. The Indians never recovered.

6) Rain 1, Indians 0 (4/14/02) -- Mark Shapiro expected the Indians to "contend while rebuilding." Everyone laughed, but the Tribe amazed with an 11-1 start to the season. An exciting victory over the Royals with six runs coming in the final two innings for an 8-7 win was the 11th. Then the Tribe was rained out a Sunday. With Monday an off day, the Tribe's momentum was stopped cold. They lost 15 of their next 17 en route to a 74-88 record.

2007-04-19T17:20:00.000-04:00

An A-bomb destroys Tribe

Two outs, no one one, Tribe up four, our closer in the game, and Josh Freaking Phelps at the plate.

Ten minutes later A-Rod parks one over the center-field fence and the Tribe is a stunning 8-6 loser.

No wonder everyone leaves this town.

2007-04-10T22:15:00.000-04:00

They must have found a live chicken

The last time the Indians played home games in Milwaukee, they made the playoffs. Well, kind of. That was back in 1989, when the Indians making the playoffs was so much a fantasy they made a movie about just exactly what would happen if the Indians DID make the playoffs. Yep, "Major League" actually had its baseball scenes filmed at old Milwaukee County Stadium.

Now, thanks to Mother Nature, the Indians have returned to use Milwaukee's Miller Park as their home stadium. This time it's for real. And it just so happens to coincide with the DVD release of "Major League: Wild Thing Edition."

The Indians used a little of the Wild Thing magic to attract more than 20,000 fans to the opening game of the series with the Los Angeles Angels, and to hold on for a 7-6 victory. To honor the bizarre turn of events that has sent the Indians a few hundred miles west for some home games, and to honor one of the best sports movies of all time, here's the "Major League" awards for the first game of the series.

Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn Award -- to Tribe reliever Joe Borowski, who gave up two hits and one run to "earn" the save. For the second time he was bailed out by his defense, this time when catcher Kelly Shoppach gunned down pinch-runner Erik Aybar trying to steal second to end the game. Don't feel bad, Erick, Babe Ruth was once thrown out stealing to end a World Series! Perhaps Borowski needs glasses. Hey, he was serenaded to the Wild Thing music when he entered the game, so why not?

Harry Doyle Award -- to Sports Time Ohio color man Rick Manning, who sported the Wild Thing glasses during the pregame, although there was a nice big piece of masking tape holding them together in the middle. Rumor has it a couple pitches were even thrown just a bit outside.

Jake Taylor Award -- to Ryan Garko, who would have found himself behind the plate for the first time in the bigs if anything had happened to Kelly Shoppach, like an anvil falling out of the sky and landing on his head. The Indians believe Victor Martinez can return to action soon, perhaps the only blessing from the snowed-out series, meaning Garko is the only option for the tools of ignorance should disaster strike. And who could ever believe that anything would?

Eddie Harris Award -- to Angels closer Francisco Rodriguez, who was accused last week of using an illegal substance which he supposedly hid under the bill of his cap. K-Rod stayed in the bullpen during this one, and no one accused him of anything, be it Bardol, Crisco, or Vagisil.

Willie Mays Hayes Award -- to Grady Sizemore, who stole a career-high three bases, though he did not whip out an American Express card when he slid safely into any of them. He even mixed in a popout, though no push-ups.

Jobu Award -- to Slider, who made the trip with the rest of the team and even got to be a real slider when he slid down from Bernie Brewer's platform after home runs by Shoppach and Casey Blake. Or was it renamed Bernie Kosar's platform for this series? And no one told Slider to fuck off!

Pedro Cerrano Award -- to Angels outfielder Vladimir Guerrero, who never met a pitch he didn't like. But even though he liked them all, they didn't like him yesterday, as he apparently had problems with the curveball, going 0-for-5 with a strikeout. Who knows, though, maybe Guerrero will grow up to become president of the Dominican Republic some day, at least on a television show.

Lou Brown Award -- to Eric Wedge, who didn't have to worry about his opposing manager pulling any stall tactics to get the game canceled due to bad weather. Even the 10 inches of snow predicted to hit Milwaukee overnight won't affect the rest of this series, thanks to the Miller Park retractable roof.

Roger Dorn Award -- NOT to Josh Barfield, who did dive for a ground ball off the ball of Orlando Cabrera, starting a nifty double play in the third inning. No word on whether Barfield wants to be an interior decorator when his playing days are over.

And now that the first game of one of the craziest series you'll see is over with, there's only one thing left to do.

Win the whole fucking thing.

2007-04-07T01:08:00.000-04:00

That did not happen

Paul Byrd's no-hitter? Didn't happen.

Mariner third baseman Adrian Beltre's three errors? Didn't happen.

Global warming? Didn't happen.

Victor Martinez's quad pull that will probably land him on the disabled list? Oh, yea, of course -- that happened!

Apparently, not only God hates Cleveland Sports. After the Indians short-circuited Opening Day game, it looks like Mother Nature hates Cleveland Sports as well.

After a day in which snow delays took longer than actual game play, the Indians came away with not just nothing, but less than nothing. In a microcosm of how achingly close this city has come to, well, anything over the last 43 years, the Indians were one strike away from not only winning the home opener, but no-hitting the Seatte Mariners. Then it all went away.

All of it except for Victor Martinez's strained quad muscle.

Ex-Tribe skipper Mike Hargrove turned into the Human Snow Delay, making the first good move of his managerial career since he left the Indians. After Mariners second baseman Jose Lopez complained that he couldn't see with his team down 4-0 in the top of the fifth, Hargrove stalled the umpires just long enough for the snow to come down hard enough so that no one actually could see. Byrd needed just one more strike to finish off Mariner second baseman Jose Lopez and make it an official game. He still needs that strike.

The snow began falling harder. And harder. And harder. And then the Mariners left the bases while the Indians stayed in the field. Reminiscent of "The Bad News Bears in Breaking Training," fans began chanting "Let them play! Let them play!" But no one did. A Coldplay song was broadcast over the PA system. Almost an hour and a half later, after the grounds crew had used about a dozen leafblowers to clear the outfield, the umpires called the game. Instead of a shortened victory, instead of a no-hitter, instead of a satisfied Opening Day crowd, the Indians had nothing. Once again.

Oh, except for an injured Victor Martinez. The quad pull he suffered running out a grounder stands. When the Indians refused to cancel the game before the first pitch, the surest bet became that someone would get hurt. That it was the Indians most indispensible player -- the Indians will call up Mike Rose if Victor goes to the DL??? -- is just par for the course.

As soon as noon passed with snow flying sideways in downtown Cleveland and the Indians not calling the game, someone getting injured became a 1/5 favorite. Secretariat in a claiming race at Thistledown couldn't get those odds. That the injury happened to one of the Grady Sizemore/Travis Hafner/Victor Martinez triumvirate was more expected than turning on NBC and seeing some version of Law and Order.

So now the Indians will be playing a day/night doubleheader Saturday in the same conditions with a depleted pitching AND catching staff, all because the schedulemakers are stupid enough to send Seattle -- a team with its own dome -- on the road to Cleveland during the first week in April for its only trip here. The forecast for Saturday calls for 2-to-4 inches of snow and temperatures under 30 degrees.

It's not nice to fool with Mother Nature.

2007-04-06T15:27:00.000-04:00

Snowpening Day

No fair-weather fans in downtown Cleveland today.

Nope, the weather's just not that good.

The Indians won't be playing their home opener today in Cleveland Browns Stadium, but they will be playing it in Cleveland Browns weather. Snow has been falling all day and forcing fans to bundle up football-style. Most likely the Indians and Seattle Mariners will be wearing mittens under their gloves to withstand the cold temperatures.

Not since Game 4 of the 1997 World Series have the Indians played a game in such horrendous conditions. In that one, it snowed during batting practice and intermittently throughout the game as the Indians beat the Florida Marlins 10-3 in freezing temperatures.

But hey, what do you expect in a football town?

3:44 p.m. What a surprise. The first pitch has been delayed, but no one will say how long. WKYC says it has just been announced on the scoreboard. That's right, wait 20 minutes before the game is supposed to start to tell people something you have known would happen all day long. Apparently the Indians want as much beer money as they can get.

3:51 p.m. Nice job, Tribe. Now that everyone's making their way into the stadium, they can sit on their butts and freeze for an hour before anything happens. The game is now scheduled to start at 5 p.m. Winners: Bars in the Jacobs Field area, as people planning to the game now plan on getting even drunker. Losers: Everyone crazy enough to head into the stadium expecting a baseball game to be played in the snow.

3:57 p.m. What a snow job! Mother Nature Hates Cleveland sports, too.

4:04 p.m. WKYC is really feeling the effects of this snow job. So far on the pregame show in the past 15 minutes, they have had a bad interview with an army reservist who will be singing the National Anthem today, and a story on a father and son who are going to the game today after saving someone out of a raging river. Their ratings must be plummeting lower than the temperature. PLEASE JUST CANCEL THE GAME!

4:10 p.m. Please explain this. The Twins game in Chicago scheduled for tonight has been postponed because of a forecast that calls for cold temperature and high winds. In Cleveland, the game has merely been delayed, thereby pushing it closer to being played after the sun goes down when the temperature will be even lower and the snow will still be falling. Doesn't Chicago weather usually make it to Cleveland eventually?

2007-04-02T13:40:00.000-04:00

Live blogging the opener

Opening Day fills everyone with optimism. Even in Cleveland. Right now the Indians are unbeaten and unscored upon, and that's the way they'll stay if we have our way. Of course, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays and Pittsburgh Pirates are also unbeaten. But at least the Devil Rays aren't still unscored upon; they've already given up two runs in the first inning.

So before the oppressive weight of a new season crushes our optimistic outlook, here's the first GHCS live blog, as the Tribe and White Sox prepare to start The Season of Optimism ...

1:45 p.m. What is this? C.C. Sabathia is healthy enough to get the Opening Day start after all, the Tigers are already down 3-0 in the first inning, and Gold Glover Derek Jeter has made an error in the second inning. Well, not everything's backwards as this season starts -- the Yankees scored two runs in the first inning and probably won't trail all year.

1:50 p.m. Boy all these Baylor/Oklahoma State fans are going to be pissed when they cut away from this game in a few minutes. After all, it's only half over!

1:49 p.m. What, this game was played yesterday? Man, these Oklahoma State/Baylor viewers must be REALLY pissed!

2:02 p.m. Apparently someone else is about to be really pissed off. In an apartment about 750 yards from Jacobs Field, the STO broadcast is BLACKED OUT. Yes, the team's own station not allowed to broadcast the season opener in downtown Cleveland.

2:06 p.m. And Grady Sizemore starts the season with a second-pitch homer run off Jose Contreras! Not since John Rockefeller discovered oil has there been such a great start in Cleveland.

2:08 p.m.Of course, everyone in downtown Cleveland just saw some Oklahoma State kid thrown out at the plate. Or Baylor kid. From yesterday. Sports (Some)Time(s) Ohio is at it again.

2:13 p.m. STO has been located! Apparently it was hidden on Channel 17 on your dial, even though every other thing ever broadcast on there is on Channel 30. Interestingly, the radio broadcast is a full five seconds behind the TV broadcast. Keep this in mind when you want to win some easy bets from your friends.

2:17 p.m. The Face of the Indians, Casey Blake, comes to the plate. Or is it the chin of the Indians?

2:18 p.m. And The Face of the Indians becomes the first to not even hit the ball out of the infield.

2:20 p.m. Man, Jose Contreras looks even older than Greg Oden!

2:21 p.m. And Tom Hamilton just questioned Jose Contreras' age as well. Contreras is listed as 35 years old. Which Means Oden is at least 33.

2:22 p.m. Jhonny Peralta starts the season with an RBI single, which positions himself for the biggest comeback since the guy who played Kelly Leak was nominated for an Oscar for his work in Little Children last year.

2:23 p.m. And Josh Barfield delivers a two-run double. That was the greatest trade ever, Mark Shapiro!

2:25 p.m. Even The Season of Optimism wasn't this optimistic. 5-0 Tribe after a half-inning. Or, as Tom Hamilton just called it, 15 minutes of pleasure for the Indians. Lucky them!

2:30 p.m. Looks like no swelling on C.C.'s left arm as he makes his fourth Opening Day start. As for the rest of him, there's plenty of swelling.

2:32 p.m. And maybe his head is swelled up as well. Darin Erstad, who should be out of baseball, just hit his first home run since 2005.

2:38 p.m. Five first-inning runs might not be enough today. Three warning-track outs end the first inning for the White Sox. Unless the Indians bats plan to provide more action than Ron Jeremy in his heyday, this lead won't last. Not even in The Season of Optimism.

2:43 p.m. And Trot Nixon is now on pace for 1,458 hits after doubling in the second inning. That would absolutely shatter the single-season record. Mark Shapiro, this Bud's for you!

2:46 p.m. Bye-bye, Jose Contreras, as Travis Hafner hits one up the middle that turns into a Juan Uribe throwing error, two runs, and a 7-2 Indians lead. Contreras strolls to the dugout as fast as his 55-year-old legs can carry him. Which makes Greg Oden 53.

2:52 p.m. The White Sox are now waving the white flag, otherwise known as Nick Massett. He's now the pitcher. All you need to know about him is that the Texas Rangers traded him. And that he just gave up a double to Casey Blake. If the Texas Rangers can't find a place for you on the mound, it's time to retire. That's like a politician not being able to find a way to accept a donation from a special interest group.

2:53 p.m. God Loves Cleveland Sports! Jhonny Peralta two-run single and it's 9-2 Indians. Charge eight of the runs to Contreras. And one to Massett, who's been in the game for five minutes.

3 p.m. Two innings in, and the Indians have already scored more than the Browns did in five of their 16 games this past season. If the Tribe can score six more runs, it will give them a higher total than the Browns had in half their games. Touchdown, Indians!

3:01 p.m. Sabathia chugs through the second inning and the Indians come back to bat leading 9-2. Should we get used to seeing Sabathia? Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano, the most prized free-agent-to-be among pitchers, has been offered between $75 million and $85 million for five years. That's $15 million a year at the high end. There's your Sabathia comparable. Zambrano's a year younger. Sabathia's pitched about 200 more innings. Both have a career winning percentage right around .600. No way Sabathia goes for less than $15 million a season once his deal expires after next season.

3:08 p.m. And Trot "The Babe" Nixon is at it again. He's 3-for-3 with a hit in each of the first three inning, keeping him on pace for the all-time single-season hit record of 1,458.

3:23 p.m. Thousands of Chicago-area TVs click off as we go to the third with the Tribe up 11-2. Chicagoans haven't seen anyone throw a ball this bad since the Super Bowl.

3:26 p.m. STO wants to know how many games people think the Indians will win this year: 95 or more, 85-94, 75-84, or 74 or less. Odds are if they did the poll before the game, people would have picked 75-84. Now, in The Season of Optimism, people might be picking 95 or more.

3:27 p.m. and Trot Nixon's hitting streak has ended at three -- innings. But only because he didn't bat in the fourth as the Tribe went down 1-2-3.

3:40 p.m. And it's a Bob Wickman sighting. First, some satellite activity spotted a disturbance. A closer glance showed Wickman on the mound in the bottom of the ninth as the Braves visited the Phillies. It's a tie game, a situation Wickman rarely found himself in with the Indians, which is why the satallite thought the activity was suspicious at first. That and an all-you-can-eat buffet are the two worst place someone would want to put Wickman, though, as he is just 2-15 since 2002. He either saves 'em or blows 'em, but he doesn't win 'em.

3:45 p.m. If LeBron James played with Bob Wickman, he would be gnawing on more than just his fingernails. After two outs, Wickman gives up a double to Shane Victorrino. He throws a couple balls to Ryan Howard, the 57-home-run man from last year, then intentionally walks him. Now Chase Utley's up. He had a 34-game hitting streak last year. Maybe Wickman needs Jerry Tarkanian to manage him; that big towel the Tark always had would come in handy for wiping nervous brows when Wickman's on the hill.

3:47 p.m. Utley pops out! Wickman grabs a chicken wing and a beer!

3:55 p.m. Back to the Indians, and they are still up 11-3. Time for the rest of us to grab a chicken wing and a beer!

4:14 p.m. A-ha! It helps to look for STO on the correct channel instead of on the Fox Sports Ohio channel. Stretch time with the Indians still holding their Season of Optimism lead, 11-3.

4:18 p.m. The Braves do it for Wickman, scoring two in the 10th to give him the victory. And there's another ex-Indians reliever getting the save, Chad Paronto! It's Wickman's third victory since 2002 and Paronto's first career save. Meanwhile, the Tribe turns to its own bullpen with Rafael Betancourt starting the seventh, and hope its from somewhere other than Hell this year ...

4:28 Trot "The Babe" Nixon takes a walk. He's been on base four times today. Last year he was on base 39 times via hit or walk. Nine more games and he tops last year's total!

2007-03-28T17:23:00.000-04:00

C.C. to the DL? Tune in tomorrow

C.C. Sabathia -- not dead yet.

That qualifies as good news in Cleveland.

His wrist probably isn't even broken, either. But the Indians ace does have a swollen forearm and his status for Monday's season-opening start is now up in the air. And he is a Cleveland athlete. After all, Kellen Winslow's knee surgery this offseason has rumors floating around that his career is ove, even though Browns GM Phil Savage expects him back by training camp.

Like the old Batman televison shows, the Indians tell us to tune in tomorrow, same Tribe time, same Tribe channel, as C.C. will be re-evaluated then. Provided C.C. doesn't stand for Cursed Cleveland, everything will be OK and Sabathia will avoid the DL -- unlike the last two seasons.

But why break tradition?

2007-03-28T13:53:00.000-04:00

C.C. you later?

The shot heard round the world -- or at least the Greater Cleveland area -- was the bone cracking in C.C. Sabathia's wrist this afternon.

Maybe.

It seems that in his final preseason tuneup, on just the second pitch of the game, Cleveland Indians ace pitcher Sabathia took a line drive off his pitching wrist.

CRACK!

Presumably Sabathia's wrist is currently ballooning while trainers look at it. But because this is Cleveland we have already assumed the diagnosis will be something along these lines:

1.) Sabathia has been killed by the line drive, even though it struck him on the wrist.
2.) Sabathia's arm will need to be amputated by the morning.
3.) Gangrene will set in and Sabathia will spend the rest of the season trying to save his arm.
4.) Sabathia's wrist is broken and it will be three months before he sees the field again.
5.) Sabathia's wrist is somehow made even stronger by the line drive, and he signs with the Yankees.

There is no other possible diagnosis, not in a town where LeCharles Bentley's career can end on a noncontact injury on the first day of training-camp drills, not in a town where Cliff Lee can pull some stomach muscles and miss the first month of the season, not in a town where Gary Baxter can become crippled simply by jumping up in the air for a football.

No, when news like this leaks out, we simply head for the bedroom in order to pull the covers back over our head. In Cleveland no one is even allowed to be optimistic. Lucy always pulls the football out of the way at the last second, and we're foolish enough every time to think that we can kick it.

And then we land flat on our backs every time.

2007-03-27T13:42:00.000-04:00

Not so risky business

Oh, those crazy Bostonians. They'll fall for anything.

Seems that a furniture dealer in Boston is offering free furniture to anyone who buys it by April 16. Free with a catch that is -- only if the Red Sox win the World Series this year will anyone who buys the furniture actually get their money back. That's right, if the Red Sox win the World Series, Jordan's Furniture customers get their furniture free.

Since the Red Sox have won the World Series exactly once in 101 years, that's a pretty good bet by the furniture store. Forest full of trees have been cut down and turned into pulp so people could write all about the Red Sox curse, and then half as many again were chopped down in the last two years so everyone else could write about the end of the curse.

The store expects to sell $20 million worth of furniture between now and April 16. $20 million!!! That many Red Sox fans are foolish enough to expect the once-in-a-lifetime event will be repeated two years later. If this company had run this promotion every year since the World Series began and sold $20 million worth of furniture per year, it would be able to BUY the Red Sox, because it would be ahead by $2 billion.

Can anyone imagine a furniture company running this promotion in Cleveland?

"Hey, everybody, if you buy this sofa and love seat NOW, we'll give you a refund if the Indians win the World Series this year, so you'll get it ABSOLUTELY FREE!! What, no takers? OK, how about we'll give you a refund if the Browns win the Super Bowl this season!! Everybody here loves the Browns -- free furniture if you buy it now and then the Browns win the Super Bowl. What do you have to lose?? Still no one? OK, how about if the Cavs win the NBA Championship? Why is no one coming to buy furniture?"

There might be a sucker born every minute, but none of them are going to be buying into a promotion based on getting something free if a Cleveland team wins something. Might as well tell people that they can have the couch for free if they can lift it and throw it into the sun. No one short of Superman can do that.

Which sounds like just who the Indians, Browns, and Cavs need to lead them to a title.

2007-03-26T23:24:00.000-04:00

Heat is on Cavs' playoff seeding

Thanks, Denver, we owe you one.

One right in the nose.

A day after the Nuggets demolished the Cavs on the Q Arena floor on national television, holding LeBron James scoreless in the final period in the process, they choked away a victory over the Detroit Pistons.

Choked as in both-hands-around-the-neck-with-a-chicken-bone-stuck-in-the-throat choked. Up by three with 1.5 seconds to go AND POSSESSION, the Nuggets treated the inbounds pass like a greased pig. Rasheed Wallace scooped it up, hit a 60-footer to tie the game, then led his Pistons to a 113-109 overtime victory.

So that gives the Pistons one more up on the Cavs, a full three-game lead for the Eastern Conference's best record with just 12 games to go. Let's say the Cavs win 10 of 12 to finish the season, which we know won't happen anyway. The Pistons could still win the division just by winning at the same pace they're winning at right now.

Oh, well, at least LeBron bought himself a bicycle company.

Of course, the more pressing issue now is that the Cavs are just a game up on the Bulls for third in the East after Chicago's victory over Portland Monday. Saturday's game in Chicago will go a long way toward deciding who gets to play a losing team in the first round of the playoffs and who gets to play perhaps, say, the defending champion Miami Heat. Whoever finishes second will get someone from the Orlando Magic-New Jersey Nets-New York Knicks mix, sub-.500 teams all.

The Cavs currently own that second seed and if the season ended right now would be playing the 33-38 Magic in the first round. But the Bulls are seeded fifth at the moment, which would pit them against the Toronto Raptors. Toronto and the Heat are the other two division leaders and are pretty much destined to finish third and fourth in the playoff seedings. Right now the teams are tied at 38-32; if Toronto wins the tiebreaker that will push the Heat to fourth.

And there the Cavs might be sitting and waiting as the fifth seed. Just what they want in the first round, a matchup with a revitalized Dwyane Wade and Shaquille O'Neal.

Expect nothing less. Not with a five-game road trip coming up. Not with a visit from those Heat to The Q next week. Not with a Cleveland team. Nope, this is looking more and more like a seed planted in the Dust Bowl.

And don't forget, the Nuggets lost to the Bulls on a last-second shot last week as well. Thanks, Denver, we REALLY owe you one!

2007-03-17T09:13:00.000-04:00

Boozers vs. Boozer

He's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

Finally.

Nearly three years after the free-agency move that got him labeled a traitor, Carlos Boozer is back in town with the Utah Jazz.

Tonight, Clevelanders will release nearly three seasons worth of pent-up anger at Boozer. Think we're over it? Then you missed it when Jim Thome was booed in his return to Jacobs Field with the Chicago White Sox last season. We actually liked him. And remember the fake money that came flying out of the bleachers when Albert Belle returned with the ChiSox in 1997 after bolting as a free agent? There was enough to fill a store aisle full of Monopoly games.

This is a guy who inspired CarlosLoozer.com, for goodness' sakes. He's on the Mount Rushmore of hated Cleveland sports figures, along with Art Modell, John Elway, and the Pittsburgh Steelers logo.

Sure, booing Boozer might seem kind of sad and petty, like snarking at an ex-girlfriend who you've long moved on from. Look at the Cavs now -- seven-game winning streak, second-best record in the Eastern Conference, national television about once a week to showcase LeBron James, a capable Boozer replacement in Drew Gooden (11.3 ppg, 8.7 rpg). Everything's going quite well, thank you.

But even if you moved on to marry Eva Longoria, your ex still wouldn't be welcome in your house, not after being accused of stabbing a blind man in the back, not even three years later. Especially not on Cleveland's own national holiday, St. Patrick's Day, otherwise known as Drunk Day. And ESPECIALLY not with a better record at 43-22 -- led by the traitor, Carlos Boozer, who is averaging 20.9 ppg and 11.5 rpg. It's like giving the most dazzling diamond ring to Eva, only to see your ex show up with one that's just a bit better.

You can blame the Cleveland mindset for what's going to happen tonight just as much as you can blame Boozer leaving for the Jazz in the summer of 2004. It was another psychological jolt to a city that's reeled from those punches for years and years. In one sense we've moved out quite well, what with the Cavs rising toward the top of the NBA. But then again, this is Cleveland. The Boozer move was just another in a long line of bad things that have happened to us, almost like it's our birthright. Perhaps if we truly enjoyed long-term success in any of our sports endeavors we would be able to move past Boozer with no problem and let him get away with just a smattering of boos. But so often it seems that things are a mirage. The Indians fell on their face last year after a 2005 season that left them on the brink of the playoffs. The Browns can't get out of their own way. And in the back of our minds we're bracing ourselves for the moment that LeBron announces he's going to the Knicks. We're like a beaten puppy, afraid to embrace anything good for fear it will be taken away once again.

That's today will be a day of booze and boos, boozers and Boozers, when Carlos returns to The Q. It will be like the world's largest collective drunk dial, as an alcohol-soaked crowd will let its true feelings out, dousing Carlos Boozer and the Jazz in one of the loudest derisive cheers ever heard in Cleveland.

And that's the way it should be.

2007-03-11T14:21:00.000-04:00

Falling off a Cliff

If the Indians could find a reset button on this year's spring training, they'd press it. First, Keith Foulke decided he'd rather spend the rest of his time fishing. Now, Cliff Lee's tummy is acting up. He has an abdomen strain that's going to put him on the shelf for a month or so. So you can pretty much cross him off the Indians roster until May.

And here you thought only fat guys hurt themselves during spring training.

So that makes it less than a month into spring training and already two key components of the pitching staff are sidelined. If any other pitchers check the mound for a trapdoor the rest of the way, don't be surprised.

Lee missed two months of the 2003 season with a similar abdominal strain, so no one's optimistic that he'll beat the four-to-six-week timetable the Indians have set for him to rehab from this injury. Expect to see a lot of Fausto Carmona, who filled in for C.C. Sabathia at the beginning of last season.

Now that the Indians preseason is starting to resemble Hilary Swank's upcoming movie, "The Reaping" -- coincidentally coming to theaters the same day as the Indians home opener -- it might be time to rethink those World Series predictions. ESPN's Buster Olney has already predicted the Tribe will win it all; of course 10 ESPN personalities predicted the Indians to make the playoffs last season. Apparently it's the cool thing to do.

But so far few teams have had a worse start than the Tribe. Besides the pitching woes, Trot Nixon has battled back problems. Even Indians legend Bob Feller was in a minor fender bender. Elsewhere, the Baltimore Orioles have suffered the biggest bow, with Kris Benson bowing out for the year with what looks like a torn rotator cuff.

Sure, sure, it's not the end of the world. The Indians have touted pitched depth in their minors and can withstand the loss of Lee for a few weeks. It's just that it's more of the same ole, same ole in Cleveland sports, and that's a headline we've grown tired of seeing.

2007-03-10T09:20:00.000-05:00

Browns, yawwwwwwwwwn, sign Jamal Lewis

That sound you didn't hear this week was the roar of fired-up Cleveland Browns fans rushing to get in line for season tickets. The signing of Jamal Lewis hasn't exactly inspired the masses as it would have if he were, oh, maybe still any good.

But at least he won't have any more 295-yard games against the Browns.

Now there's only one way Browns GM Phil Savage can redeem himself.

Draft Brady Quinn.

The Notre Dame quarterback wants to come here. The Browns need a quarterback. With the third pick, they're in the perfect position to draft a franchise quarterback. And by most accounts, Brady Quinn is a franchise quarterback.

And the Lewis signing set the Browns up very nicely for Quinn's coronation. They've already added one of the top free-agent offensive linemen, Eric Steinbach. They've got their brand-name running back. But they still lack a real quarterback. Since two of the three names attached to the Browns' draft hopes are an offensive lineman (Wisconsin's Joe Thomas) and a running back (Oklahoma's Adrian Peterson), the team really needs to address a different need in the draft. Nabbing Quinn does just that.

Still, it's really a rather odd signing, especially in light of the fact that the Browns already had Jamal Lewis on their roster. They just called him Reuben Droughns. And had is the operative word -- signing Lewis allowed the Browns to trade Droughns to the New York Giants for backup wide receiver Tim Carter, he of 72 catches and three touchdowns in five seasons. Here's a comparison of Lewis and Droughns over the past two years:

Lewis
583-2,038 rushing, 3.49 yards per carry
50-306 receiving, 6.12 yards per catch
played in 31 of 32 games

Droughns
529-1,990 rushing, 3.76 yards per carry
66-538 receiving, 8.15 yards per catch
played in 30 of 32 games

Sure, Lewis outgained Droughns by 350 yards this past season, but Droughns outrushed Lewis by nearly the same amount the year before. And that's behind a supposedly inferior offensive line. And Droughns had a lousy offseason last year, what with DUI and domestic-violence accusations thrown at him. But Lewis spent the summer of 2004 in jail thanks to drug charges. Droughns is also almost exactly a year older than Lewis, but didn't become a big-time running back until his fifth season in the league and therefore has nearly a thousand less carries in his career. That's a lot less wear and tear, especially considering Lewis' reconstructive knee surgery that wiped him out for the 2001 season.

Lewis says he signed with the Browns because they are more committed to running the ball than the Ravens. This from a guy who ran the ball 314 times last year, eighth-most in the league last year, and produced the 16th-most yards.

More like the Browns are just committed to paying him more. He'll probably get $5 million from the Browns, which is more than the Ravens thought he was worth. They apparently won't miss him, trading for Willis McGahee before Lewis' pillow even cooled.

Whatever the case, don't expect McGahee to provide the Browns more than Droughns did the past two seasons or would have next season. And though many believe that the signing doesn't take the Browns out of the runnnig for Adrian Peterson, Savage's methodology toward the running back position points away from Peterson. First, it was trading for an unproven product in Droughns. Now it's moving in on a guy who barely cracked the top 40 in yards per carry last season. Translation? Star not needed.

But the Browns could sure use a star at quarterback. Savage and the rest of the NFL were duped when Trent Dilfer led the Ravens to a Super Bowl title in 2001. Teams thought they could get by with someone average at quarterback who didn't cost them the game with interceptions. Since then, though, the list of Super Bowl-winning quarterbacks includes Tom Brady (three times), Brad Johnson, Ben Roethlisberger, and Peyton Manning. Brady and Manning would go into the Hall of Fame tomorrow if they retired.

So it's time to put aside the myth that a team can a title win with just a decent quarterback. Right, Chicago Bears? Compare Rex Grossman (73.9 passer rating) to Charlie Frye (72.2 passer rating) and calculate the Browns' chances of making the Super Bowl with a team less than the Bears around Charlie Frye.

That's why Quinn's the choice. Just like Matt Leinart slipped to 10th last year, Quinn's stock is dropping. But you won't find the Arizona Cardinals crying about their bad luck in landing Leinart.

Time for the Browns to get bold. Time for the Browns to stop trying to settle with guys like Jamal Lewis. Time for the Browns to draft Brady Quinn.

2007-02-20T15:50:00.000-05:00

You're telling me there's a chance?

Hey, guess what -- LeCharles Bentley's career might be over.

Maybe. Probably. There's a very good chance. All signs point to yes.

That's about as close as Browns GM Phil Savage is willing to get to a future without LeCharles Bentley, even though that future's been here since, oh, about the first day of training camp. Every time Phil Savage says something about LeCharles' future, he's sounding more and more like Jim Carrey As Lloyd Christmas in "Dumb and Dumber".

Phil/Lloyd: "Hit me with it! I've come a long way to see you, Mary. The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances."
LeCharles/Mary: "Not good."
Phil/Lloyd: "You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?"
LeCharles/Mary: "I'd say more like one out of a million."
Phil/Lloyd: "So you're telling me there's a chance."

Actually, Phil, that's what you're telling yourself. In a Tuesday press conference, the Browns GM announced that LeCharles would "more likely" need another surgery on his torn patellar tendon and "if he does elect to have the surgery" then he won't be playing next season.

Sounds like Savage has just about moved into the fifth stage of grief, acceptance. Would it be any surprise if a 6-foot-2, 310-pound guy whose leg came unhinged at the knee never played another down of football?

At least this time they won't be losing him on the first day of training camp. Maybe the Browns can just accept their loss and finally move on.

RELATED: Are you sure you want to be That Guy?; Down goes Bentley!

2007-02-19T09:58:00.000-05:00

The GHCS Q&A:
WTAM's Mark Schwab

He scooped all of Cleveland on Keith Foulke's retirement, once beat St. Joseph High School graduate and former Cleveland Brown Bob Golic in an eating contest, and named his cat Boomer.

Now WTAM Indians beat reporter Mark Schwab has achieved his career pinnacle -- a Q&A with God Hates Cleveland Sports. And this isn't just any Q&A, this is the first of what will become an ongoing series of interviews with Cleveland media personalities. Schwaby earned the leadoff spot with his Keith Foulke scoop and his ability to pop up anywhere at anytime on WTAM, much like the gopher in Caddyshack.

Here's the results of our email Q&A with WTAM Tribe beat reporter Mark Schwab:

GOD HATES CLEVELAND SPORTS: You kicked everyone's butt on the Foulke story. Let's put aside how you got the story -- how did you manage to get the story and report it WITHOUT any other Cleveland media member running with it. You were on WTAM at about 15 minutes after midnight teasing the story. There was still plenty of time for any newspaper in town to get something in, especially since all were waiting for the end of the Cavs game before running their final editions. Yet NO ONE had it in the Friday morning paper. How'd you keep it away from everyone else?

MARK SCHWAB: Well I got it on the air after midnight, by then the print guys would’ve had to have heard the story (or received a call telling them about it), get a source to pick up the phone after midnight, actually get the source to confirm the story, something that wasn’t easy with that story at that time.

GHCS: A perfect storm of events kept both this story and the Cavs/Lakers result-- the ONLY two sports stories in Cleveland from Thursday, BTW -- out of most everyone's morning papers. That turned both stories into Internet stories. And yet despite one of LeBron's best games of the season against a glamour team and foe (Kobe), the Foulke discussion DOMINATED the sports scene like the Steelers dominate the Browns. Why is that?

MS: Because it was a one-time event. The Cavs play 82 times. Only "once a never" can you have your closer retire on the first day of spring training.

GHCS: Does God hate Cleveland sports?

MS: Absolutely not. First off, hate is a sin. God is incapable of sinning because of His perfect righteousness. Scripture tells us God “hates” some things, but the term is there more to illustrate in a human way, that those things are bad. Proverbs 6: 16-19 tells us God “hates” haughty eyes (self righteous arrogance), lying, murder, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that run rapidly to evil (using ZERO self restraint with sin), a false witness who lies and one who spreads strife. CLEVELAND is mentioned no where in the Bible. Even if Cleveland was guilty of these things, He STILL would not hate the city. Rom 8:38-39 confirms that. And all sins are forgiven at moment of confession to God the Father anyway (1 John 1:9). So no. God does not hate Cleveland.

GHCS: LeCharles Bentley, signed as a free agent by the Browns to plug the biggest hole on the team, goes down on the first day of training camp, never plays a down for the team. Keith Foulke, signed as a free agent by the Indians to plug the biggest hole on the team, retires on the first day of spring training, never throws a pitch for the team. Coincidence?

MS: Yes. Coincidence. An odd one, but still coincidence.

GHCS: What makes for a better sports talk show -- when our teams are really good, when our teams are really bad, or when they are just OK?

MS: Depends on the host. I like it more when they’re good, it’s just more fun. The bitter people that love to be negative like it the other way.

GHCS: Plain Dealer columnist Bill Livingston was on Les Levine's talk show last Monday night and wasn't too pleased with the prospect of heading to Winter Haven for the beginning of spring training. He said something along the lines of nothing ever happens the first couple weeks. What kind of Chad Johnson-like TD dance did you do for him when you landed your scoop?

MS: Normally I don't like TD dances, but Chad’s (and some of Steve Smith’s) I don’t mind because they’re funny. A lot of his come to mind, but I think the Tiger Woods putt was the best. Hilarious.

GHCS: You've got one day with absolutely nothing to do. No obligations whatsoever. Which do you do -- a Star Wars marathon or a Lord of the Rings marathon?

MS: Wow. Ok, have I mentioned this on the air? How’d you know! This has actually been discussed with my friends, and we’ve unsuccessfully tried to plan a day just like this. First off, any LOTR viewing MUST be the extended editions to even count. Now, you’ve got to look at time. There are six Star Wars movies and only three LOTR movies but the Star Wars movies are much shorter, especially since you’re watching said extended versions of LOTR. My final decision would come down to two things probably. First, which of the films have I not seen lately, and second, what video games am I playing. If it’s one of the two Star Wars: Knights of The Old Republic games for Xbox, Star Wars could win out. If it’s a more traditional role-playing game, then I might side with the hobbits. Still a tough call.

GHCS: Ever take advantage of the Sunday Score Special that oil-change place offers during Indians games?

MS: Absolutely not. I drive a Volkswagen Turbo S New Beetle. Only Volkswagon dealers can touch a Volkswagen! And if you want to laugh at me for driving a Beetle, watch me blow your ass away off the line with 6 speeds of pure Turbonium. Who’s laughing now!

GHCS: WKNR vs. WTAM in a media Olympics -- softball, bowling, cornhole, and wing-eating. Who wins what?

MS: Softball -- WTAM. I was ready to give this to the guys down the dial because of youth. Other than (Greg) Brinda, they’ve got a LOT of younger guys. But then I remembered our weekenders, Mark Tromba, Ryan Pritt, and Stacy Jantz. Tromba is somewhat athletic, Pritt is young, and Stace could hold her own and definitely has some quicks in her. Add that to a core of me, Andre Knott and Kevin Keane, and I think we could pull it off. Keane would be the best player on the field and crush them. Dude can seriously play.

Bowling -- WKNR. I’ve gotta give them something, don’t I? Besides, can you see Alison wielding a bowling ball? And (Neil) Bender just looks like somebody that knows what he’s doing in a 7-10 split.

Cornhole -- How should I know? I’ve got some southern Ohio roots, so I can play a little bit. I’ll give this to us for that. WTAM wins.

Wing eating -- Probably the true prize of the Radio Olympics. Let’s face it, we can all eat. Now, I say this with no disrespect to guys like Bender, (Mike) Catan, (Kenny) Roda, (Gene) Winters, guys like that. I’m sure they can “get their eat on” better than most others in the media, but not us. Forget the fact that I’ve eaten a Big Mac in 27 seconds. Ignore that Keane piledrives 2 quadruple cheeseburgers just for a snack. Forget about Pritt being a college boy that can chow hound. I give you three names to trump all: Triv (Mike Trivisonno). Marty (Allen). (Paul) Rado. Good evening, good night, good bye. Triv and Marty alone would be a serious force, but oh my, Rado could eat a family of five and he’d still be looking for the grandparents. This man is dangerous with a stomach. He is Unicron from the Transformers movie. There are days I can only tip my hat. I can’t believe the man is alive, let alone functioning and incinerating food at the rate he does. Just ask Mr. Chicken. He spends every Tuesday begging for mercy on the wrong end of Rado’s spork. You challenge Paul in an eating contest, you’re not only going to lose, you going to be embarrassed. WTAM wins this event in a landslide.

GHCS: Name five things you can do in Winter Haven that you can't do in Cleveland.

MS:

Be eaten by an alligator.
Eat the worst boneless wings in the United States of America.
Watch Jason Davis get people out (great in spring training, still waiting on the rest of the year!).
See Carmen Policy talk on a payphone.
See sights like a ridiculous orange dome, a boring water-ski show that they think should impress you, and hundreds of people that still think it’s 1981.

GHCS: Why the hell would ANYONE choose to be a Cleveland sports fan?

MS: Nobody really CHOOSES to be a fan of their home teams, they just are. You didn’t choose to be born, or to be a guy, you just were, just are. It’s what you do, there’s no volition attached to being a true fan. You are because you are. Those that choose other teams have no marbles and are cowards. Worthless to the cause.

GHCS: Rocky River's boys basketball team is 12-4. Its girls team is 12-3. The Pirates were 9-2 in football this past season. What's going on over there??

MS: You’ve got it backwards. THIS is the standard. The garbage years we just left were the aberration. We were a force in both sports when I was in high school. Our football team went 9-1 my soph year and we went to regionals in basketball. Especially in hoops, we were good. Football we were always at least average. Except our girls basketball teams, they always sucked. Glad they finally figured that out. I love high school sports, I think it’s awesome that the River Rats are back. I’m off to Danny Boy’s or Herbs to celebrate. Best pizza (DB) and burgers (Herbs) in NE Ohio. I'd put 'em up against anybody, anywhere for that matter.

Thanks to Mark Schwab for putting up with the GHCS Q&A!

2007-02-18T15:27:00.000-05:00

World's finest

-- just ask him

If only everyone in the Cleveland sports scene had Damon Jones attitude.

The self-proclaimed greatest shooter in the world -- and as he freely admitted, it remains self-proclaimed -- didn't even advance past the first round of the NBA's 3-point Shootout last night. Just a bad night, said the self-proclaimed greatest shooter in the world, who is 35th in the league in 3-point percentage. Even Michael Jordan, who has six championship rings, has a bad game, said the guy with no rings. Just wait til next year when he has another chance, said the guy who has played 11 minutes in the Cavs last three games.

Just wait til next year? Wait, maybe everyone in the Cleveland sports scene does share Damon Jones' attitude. After all, we've been waiting for next year for the last 40 years or so.

If Damon Jones can proclaim himself the world's greatest shooter despite having never played for the same team in back-to-back years until he signed with the Cavs, maybe we have all kinds of greatests in Cleveland already. They just need Damon Jones' attitude to let the world know it.

Just think ...

Kellen Winslow Jr. is the world's greatest tight end. Just ask him, he'll tell you. He apparently did go to the Damon Jones Attitude Makeover School.

Keith Foulke is the world's greatest closer, despite no saves last year and his spring-training retirement this year.

Mark Shapiro is the world's greatest general manager, despite the fact that the Indians have just one winning season during his five-year tenure.

C.C. Sabathia is the world's greatest pitcher, as long as you qualify it to mean left-handed pitchers under 26 years old who have never pitched for more than one team.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas is the world's greatest center, among those who are from Lithuania.

Charlie Frye is the world's greatest quarterback from northern Ohio. Who hasn't crashed his motorcycle.

If only Damon Jones could get to each of these guys and let them know exactly how good each of them is. Then maybe we'd finally have players the caliber of Damon Jones, players who will do nothing but bring us non-stop championships.

2007-02-16T15:58:00.000-05:00

Mark his words

Thanks to Cleveland.com, Mark Shapiro's press conference addressing Keith Foulke's retirement is now online.

Listen to Part 1 and Part 2.

2007-02-16T14:47:00.000-05:00

If it ain't Foulke ...

Maybe when the Indians talked to reliever Keith Foulke about coming to Cleveland, they were actually talking to his bobblehead.

Mark Shapiro: "Keith, I know you had elbow problems last year. Is your elbow OK now?"

Keith Foulke bobblehead: Nods head yes.

MS: "Awesome. That's what I needed to hear. Now, you had surgery on your knee. Did they fix your knee?"

KFB: Nods head yes.

MS: "This is getting better and better. You've been a closer in the past, Keith. Can you still handle that ninth-inning pressure?"

KFB: Nods head yes.

MS: "I knew you would say yes! You've got that killer mentality, and look at that World Series trophy that comes along with it. How's that feel, that feel good?"

KFB: Nods head yes.

MS: "Great. OK, here's what we can do. I've got 5 million bucks here. You can have it if you pitch for us. Want it?"

KFB: Nods head yes.

MS: "Sign right here, Keith! You're now an Indian. Welcome aboard! Can I touch that World Series trophy?"

KFB: Stops nodding.

2007-02-16T10:55:00.000-05:00

Foulke greater than LeBron?

It's Friday morning in Cleveland and most likely the two biggest sports stories of the day aren't in your local newspaper.

And who knew the biggest of the two wouldn't be LeBron James finally making a bunch of foul shots, outscoring Kobe Bryant, and leading the Cavs to a 114-108 win on the road over the Los Angeles Lakers?

Nope, thanks to our bruised psyche and a similar scenario from the first day of Browns training camp last year (LeCharles Bentley, anyone?), Keith Foulke's sudden retirement has pushed LeBron James out of the water-cooler discussions this morning. Cleveland.com's Tribe Tracker blog already has two posts devoted to Foulke's retirement and is filled with comments from disgusted Indians fans. The Cleveland.com Cavs message board has almost no posts about last night's game against the Lakers, while the Indians message board is busier than a Cleveland red-light camera.

Man, if Foulke actually saved a few games for the Tribe maybe they would have torn down that giant LeBron James sign downtown and put up one of Keith Foulke.

Word leaked out on that one thanks to WTAM's Mark Schwab as the Cavs-Lakers game marched toward the second half. Apparently he was the only one in town who knew.

Just think what would be happening if Keith Foulke had actually ever thrown a pitch for the Indians. Or even put on an Indians jersey. Or even made it to Winter Haven. Or even wanted to be an Indian. Remember how he kept trying to catch on with either the Arizona Diamondbacks or Texas Rangers because they were closer to home?

But it's another blow to this town's sports psyche all the same. The bullpen was the Indians' biggest disaster last season and the top priority in the offseason. GM Mark Shapiro wasn't content with just patching the wall. He filled the hole with concrete, paved over it, put up a brick fence, then wrapped a padlocked chain around the entire thing.

And there's already cracks appearing.

The woe-is-me attitude is alive and well in Cleveland and going nowhere fast. Keith Foulke's become the prominent story on Cleveland.com, on the message boards, and in the blogosphere, all before we can even enjoy LeBron and the James Gang's exciting victory in L.A. All for a guy who has never even worn a Tribe uniform, much less thrown a pitch in one. But he was painted as the answer to all our problems, and once again the coach turns into a pumpkin in Cleveland.

When Keith Foulke retiring is a bigger story than LeBron James pumping in 38 points against the Lakers in an exciting road victory, you know your town's sports fans need more than a few sessions on the psychiatrist's couch.

2007-02-16T09:59:00.000-05:00

Un-Foulkeing-believable

Last night it was just a whisper from WTAM Indians beat reporter Mark Schwab. This morning it's a full-fledged roar: Cleveland Indians purported closer Keith Foulke has retired.

Cleveland.com's Indians message board is blowing up. Someone on the ESPN.com Indians message board wants to know why we are cursed. (Hellooooo???) Cleveland.com finds itself playing catch-up on the story after Schwab beat it. ESPN.com has finally made it one of its headlines. Bloggers (Vinny and the Hornless Rhino, Papa Cass, Swerb's Blurbs) are chiming in.

Here's some of the best comments heard in cyberspace today:

"Classy move by the front office letting Foulke come back to retire as an Indian" -- mikejunkin55 on the Cleveland.com Indians forum

"Seriously, this Foulke thing really gets under my skin. Why is it this stuff only happens in Cleveland? Why?? ... It sucks to be a Cleveland sports fan!" -- Regal on the ESPN.com Indians forum

"It's not LeCharles Bentley's torn patella tendon, but it's still not the best news to start Spring Training, is it?" -- The Hornless Rhino

"Well that was quick." -- Rich Swerbinsky, Swerbs Blurbs

"One still has to wonder about the initial psychological blow of losing a former World Series-winning closer on the second day of spring training. Very LeCharles Bentley of him." -- Eric Cassano, aka Papa Cass

Leave it to the Cleveland sports scene to knock LeBron James out of the headlines before anyone can even read about his 38-point effort and 18-of-22 free-throw shooting while outdueling Kobe Bryant and the Lakers, 114-108 last night. After all the hand-wringing over the Cavs since the calendar turned to 2007, they go into the All-Star break at 31-22, just a half-game worse than last year's record. But who cares, Keith Foulke has retired!!!

2007-02-16T00:19:00.000-05:00

What the Foulke??

Apparently Indians "closer" woke up this morning, looked at the uniform they wanted him to wear as pitchers and catchers reported to spring training, and saw a very bad word: Cleveland.

So he retired.

Sometime this morning on WTAM's Wills and Webster morning show, Mark Schwab will go in depth on why the hopeful to Bob Wickman's throne has thrown in the towel. Like there is an in-depth story. It's a simple as this -- Keith Foulke didn't want to pitch for a team that God hates.

And here come the inevitable headlines: Indians bullpen Foulked, Tribe Foulked, Stick a Foulke in Them, What the Foulke is in the Water Up There???

Just two days ago Plain Dealer Indians beat reporter Paul Hoynes presented the best-case scenario for the Tribe's closer job. That was that Foulke and Borowski trade off injuries, one always healthy to pick up a few saves, each getting close to 20 saves before it's all over.

He left out the worst-case scenario: KEITH FOULKE FREAKING RETIRES BEFORE SPRING TRAINING EVEN STARTS.

Somewhere Bob Wickman is laughing so hard his belly is shaking like a jar full of jelly.

Foulke wasn't even in town when LeCharles Bentley went down with a probable career-ending knee injury on the first day of Browns training camp last year. But he already knows better. No way he's going to be struck down before practice even starts! No, siree, Keith Foulke will take matters into his own hands.

Now we know why the Indians signed all those relievers in the offseason. They wanted to make sure they still had one by the time the season started. Foulke's already gone, Borowski didn't pass a physical with the Philadelphia Phillies which allowed the Indians to jump on him, Roberto Hernandez was born a month and a half before the Browns secured Cleveland's last championship, Aaron Fultz has a career 4.37 ERA, and newly signed Cliff Pollitte missed most of last year due to injury.

This makes two times in three seasons a scrapheap addition was penciled into a prime position in the Tribe's lineup, then produced absolutely nothing. Remember Juan Gonzalez two years ago? The Indians signed him, put him in right field and the middle of the lineup, then watched him hurt his hamstrings the next-to-last day of spring training. Grady Sizemore had already been sent to AAA. Thankfully the Tribe was able to put Grady into that empty outfield spot as Juan Gone gave us just one at-bat in which he couldn't even run all the way to first base in 2005. Is there a Grady to take Keith Foulke's spot? Should the Indians even be wasting their time on guys like this? After all, they had to practically beg Foulke for a date to the prom this offseason anyway.

Even Keith Hernandez thinks Juan Gonzalez and Keith Foulke should give their money back.

Whatever the case, it's just another typical morning in Cleveland. Wake up and the sky is falling. And the season hasn't even started yet.

2007-02-14T19:21:00.000-05:00

Curses

foiled again

Maybe Carlos Boozer thinks that by the time he finally does play against the Cavs, we will have all forgetten about his Benedict Arnold turn in signing with the Utah Jazz. After all, it's been 2½ seasons in Salt Lake City for the ex-Cavs forward, which is more time than he spent in Cleveland. Of course, thanks to injuries, he still has played less games with Utah (129) than with the Cavs (156).

Another of those injuries has sidelined Boozer for tonight's visit from the Cavaliers. It's the fifth time the Cavs have played Utah since Boozer, and the fifth time Boozer has missed the game with an injury. This time around it's a fractured leg bone keeping Boozer out of the game. He suffered the injury Jan. 27, and at the time speculation had Boozer out four-to-six weeks.

That ensured he was out for tonight's game. But guess where the Jazz will be exactly 4½ weeks from tonight, which will be seven weeks after Boozer suffered his injury?

That's right -- Quicken Loans Arena on Saturday, March 17. Also known as St. Patrick's Day.

You have to wonder if Boozer will be ready to be booed in that game. It will be the Jazz's fourth road game in five nights. If Boozer is just coming back from his injury, will Utah want to put him on the court that many times in five days, especially when the last game of the set will be in hostile territory? Oh, you can bet there will be boos -- Cleveland fans have memories like elephants. You think it's hard to get a pit bull to let something go once it's chomped down on it? Try ripping revenge out of a Cleveland fans' mouth. Fuhgetaboutit.

Just think about the atmosphere surrounding that game. St. Patrick's Day is a revered holiday in Cleveland -- Drunk Day, some call it -- and Saturday, March 17 will be the Cavs only game in a five-day span. How many drunken louts will be at The Q that night, screaming Boozer's name, whether he plays or not? And if Boozer does play, and maybe takes a tumble in the first half, how loud do you think the Q will get?

So don't worry about not getting to boo Boozer tonight. Save it up for next month. You'll finally get your chance on St. Patrick's Day.

2007-02-14T13:33:00.000-05:00

Let's not get this Marty started

Take your MartyBall and go home. That's what the Chargers told former head coach Marty Schottenheimer a couple days ago. It's what the Cleveland Browns should tell their once and hopefully not future head coach as well.

Cleveland sports fans do nothing quite so well as live in the past. We cried for years over the trade of Rocky Colavito, until The Rock came back (and led us nowhere). Twenty years after he retired, people still thought Jim Brown could suit up and be as good as he ever was. There were people who didn't get mad at Art Modell for moving the Browns after the 1994 season because they were STILL mad at him for firing Paul Brown 30 years prior. We're constantly asking the Indians' front office to bring back Manny Ramirez or bring back Jim Thome every time either of them comes available, even though it will cost more than a Manhattan penthouse. And if only the Browns would add Bernie Kosar to the front office, things would be so much different.

Now Marty Schottenheimer is free again. And the idea of him returning to the Browns, either immediately or by 2008, is floating around. He's got to be better than Romeo Crennel, they say. He's fifth all-time in wins, they say. One of his San Diego assistants is already here, they say. He's familiar with the 3-4 defense the Browns use, they say.

Puh-leeze.

First of all, Marty is no spring chicken. He'll turn 64 in September. He's a year away and a half away from drawing Social Security checks in an era where NFL coaches are getting younger and younger. Second, his teams always find devastating ways to lose. Four times Marty's teams have posted the AFC's best record and lost a home playoff game: 1986 Browns, 1995 Chiefs, 1997 Chiefs, and the Chargers this past season. Third, Marty has coached in 327 games and never advanced to the Super Bowl. He's 5-13 in playoff games and hasn't won one since 1993.

But he's better than Romeo Crennel, they say!

Instead of embracing the past, it's time for a Cleveland team to embrace the future. You don't want Romeo around anymore? Fine. But look to someone new. The New Orleans Saints did it with Sean Payton, a 44-year-old who worked his way up through the coaching ranks before leading his team to the NFC Championship in his rookie year. The San Francisco 49ers look to be on the right track with Mike Nolan, a 48-year-old whose father was a 49ers coach and who worked his way up through the coaching ranks. The New York Jets did it with Eric Mangini, a 36-year-old who blossomed on the Bill Belichick coaching tree and led his team to the playoffs in his rookie season.

But in Cleveland, we immediately look to something that felt good years ago, something that wasn't even all that good to begin with. It's like looking back on a high-school relationship because nothing's going right in your life right now. Get back together and you're just inviting disaster. It's not going to be how it was, and while you're figuring that out you're messing up the present.

Time to stop living in the past, Cleveland fans. There's not much to root for in the present, but until you let go of the past you won't make it to the future anyway.

2007-01-29T08:56:00.000-05:00

Totally irrelevent

By now you know who the 25 Most Important people in the Cleveland sports world are. You know that LeBron is No. 1 (and probably No. 1-10 in reality), that our team owners are in the Top 5, that our GMs are all in the Top 10, Ted Ginn Sr. is more important than Eric Wedge, and LeBron James' buddies are more important than any athlete in Cleveland save LeBron.

And you know why our teams just aren't all that good, since Cavs radio announcer Joe Tait made the list before Grady Sizemore, before Travis Hafner, before C.C. Sabathia, before Kellen Winslow Jr., before Charlie Frye, before Braylon Edwards, heck, before any athlete other than LeBron. When play-by-play guys and talk-show hosts (like No. 18 Mike Trivisonno) are making your city's most-important-people-in-sports lists before all but one of your athletes, well, you need a few more athletes. Heck, Jim Brown, who retired 40 years ago, is more important than any current Brown or Indian!

But what about the other side of the equation? What about the people who DON'T matter? What about the LEAST important people on the Cleveland sports scene?

Look no further. Well, no further than the end of this entry. Because here's the Top 10 Plus One LEAST Important People in Cleveland sports:

11. Lake Erie Monsters owner Dan Gilbert

-- OK, OK, Dan Gilbert was third on the PD's list of most important people in Cleveland sports. But that was Dan Gilbert, Cavs owner! If Dan Gilbert, Lake Erie Monsters AHL franchise founder, were ranked, he'd probably come in at #474, right after Beachwood High School basketball scorekeeper and P.A. announcer. How many times has hockey failed in this town? There were the Cleveland Barons, who lasted two years in the mid-1970s. Then there were the Lumberjacks, who shared Richfield Coliseum with the Cavs before moving to The Q and playing in front of miserable crowds until dying in 2001. Then there were the ill-fated AHL Cleveland Barons, who picked up where the Lumberjacks left off, right down to the sucky crowds. Now, two seasons after the Barons II folded, we've got the Monsters to look forward. The team history even includes the brand-new legend of the Lake Erie Monster, which has been sighted in Lake Erie several times over the past 75 years. Don't be surprised if that's about as many people as see the Lake Erie Monsters hockey team in action.

10. Usher
-- What happened to you, Usher? You joined forces with Dan Gilbert (presumably) when it came time to buy the Cavs. You supposedly had input into the in-game entertainment that's now all over The Q. You even introduced us to a new symbol (The Double C) almost two years ago by crossing your arms over your head and circling your hands into big "C"s. Then you vanished. Rumors flew that you never paid your bills, that you were out, that you and Dan Gilbert had a falling out. Maybe your Double C was actually your way of saying C U Later, cuz no one has! Every once in awhile we'll hear one of your songs at The Q, but that's about it. Actually, we hear your songs now more when high school basketball teams warm up, so at least you've still got some juice on that level.

9. King Headspin
-- Believe it or not, that guy on the Cavs' Scream Team who can spin on his head actually has a name. He's King Headspin. Boy, just like King James. You know, your trick was impressive once. For a week. Back in 1983, when breakdancing first broke. But spinning around on your head at center court of the Cavs game while we wait for LeBron to come back on the court really doesn't do much for us. Chicks in skimpy clothes dancing around before they head over to Christie's or Diamond's Men's Club before they go to work for the rest of the evening -- that we can get into. But, dude, YOU SPIN AROUND ON YOUR HEAD! You're a human top. Your overall unimportance keeps you from the top ranks of this list because you have a name (unlike some of the others on this list), and by writing this it allows a picture of your hot teammate to be posted. Congrats.

8. The cotton candy vendor at Cleveland Browns Stadium

-- Look, no one buys cotton candy at football games in the first place. IT'S A FREAKING FOOTBALL GAME! You should be buying beer or hot dogs or beer dogs or something along those lines. Cotton candy? Cotton candy should be sold in three places and three places only -- a county fair, a beach, and a church festival (and only if there are clowns there). Cotton candy has no place anywhere else, especially at a football game. Have you ever seen anyone buy cotton candy from the cotton candy guy at a football game? No, you haven't. This guy is totally irrelevent.

7. Jennie Finch
-- Jennie Finch has nothing to do with Cleveland sports. She led the U.S. Olympic Softball Team to the gold medal in 2004 and enjoyed a stellar pitching career at Arizona State University. She married Caisey Daigle, who was once a pitcher for the Arizona Diamondbacks. None of these things have anything to do with Cleveland sports. Yet Jennie Finch is only sixth on the list, because she is much more important to Cleveland sports than the next five people on this list. Plus it's a chance to post a cute picture of her.

6. Jeff Uhlenhake, Browns assistant offensive line coach
-- This requires a double-take. The Browns actually have an ASSISTANT offensive line coach? The team with one of the most maligned offensive lines of the 21st century actually uses more than one coach to get the worst out of the line? And not only is Jeff Uhlenhake an assistant offensive line coach, he's entering his THIRD YEAR in that position with the Browns. Apparently he has no voice in draft decisions, since the Browns have drafted just one offensive lineman during Uhlenhake's tenure. Jeff Uhlenhake has so little power, he would be made to wait for a table at Denny's.

5. That guy at the beer concession stand on the concourse behind Section 511 at Jacobs Field
-- One Bud after another, with the occasional Bud Light mixed in. At least they are poured smoothly. But, dude -- there's beer all over the concession stand! You're always overpouring! You have to wipe up the counter in between each pour! Watch out, or Larry Dolan's gonna get rid of you. You're costing him one beer for every five you pour.

4. The guy who calls WKNR every day to demand that the Browns fire Romeo Crennell and hire Bill Parcells, the Cavs trade Eric Snow and Ira Newble and a second-round draft pick for Kevin Garnett
-- Dude, IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! None of it. Stop calling. No one wants to hear you. You haven't said anything important since 1993.

3. The copy editor of the "For the Record" at The Plain Dealer
-- Beer-league softball scores! Division III basketball standings -- for men AND women! Ski-race results! THE TRANSACTIONS!! Well, at least they put point spreads on this page, making this guy not totally unimportant, but very close.

2.) Slider
-- The Indians official mascot (apparently no one would go for a guy dressed in red face with a feather in his slicked-back dark hair smiling a big, toothy grin) turns 17 this year. And nobody cares. Not when he's best known for falling off the outfield wall during the 1995 playoffs, tearing knee ligaments. THAT'S what he's best known for -- not his 12 appearances at the All-Star Game, not for his cameo on The Drew Carey Show, not for covering bald men's heads with his enormous beak, and for being nominated to the 2006 Mascot Hall of Fame. His description as a "big, purple-colored, hairy giant with yellow spots and eyebrows" does not help things. Let's face it, Slider has no power at all, not even over Cavs mascot Moondawg.

1.) Scott Pollard
-- The Cavs forward, signed in the offseason, has had more hairdos than points this season. The three points he scored Tuesday night give him a total of four for the season. He averaged 17½ minutes per game in his career before this year; his 27 minutes played so far this season have already knocked that down to close to an even 17. Even Alan Henderson, three years older and the guy who Pollard replaced, averaged 10 minutes per game for the Cavs and is getting almost 12 minutes a game with the 76ers. Not since Keith Hernandez has a free agent made less noise on the Cleveland sports scene. Scott Pollard has no power, not even at the McDonald's drive-thru.

2007-01-26T15:51:00.000-05:00

An ouchie for LeBron

You'll see LeBron James wearing this uniform during the NBA All-Star Game in Las Vegas Feb. 18. As the leading vote-getter with more than 2.5 million, LeBron has the honor of showing what the EastErn Conference uniforms look like this year.

You won't see LeBron James wearing this uniform or any uniform tonight when the Cavs visit the Philadelphia 76ers for their big revenge match. That's because LeBron's big toe hurts.

He will play against the Phoenix Suns on Sunday, or say they say. Since the Suns are good (currently riding their second 15-game winning streak are the season), the Cavs will presumably need LeBron to avoid losing by 40. Of course, they WON'T need LeBron to avoid losing to the 76ers tonight. Right??

So don't worry, it's just a little thing, this big toe injury. All LeBron needs is a day of rest. Just like God. Or Atlas; he's tired from carrying this team like the weight of the world on his back. And we all know nothing like this ever turns into a long-term problem, not here in Cleveland.

2007-01-25T14:05:00.000-05:00

RIP, Cavs

The Cleveland Cavaliers, an NBA basketball franchise founded by one-time Cleveland Indians owner Nick Mileti that was known for the "Miracle of Richfield", losing to Michael Jordan over and over again, and wasting a good portion of LeBron James' career, died Wednesday at home in their sleep. They were 37.

The Cavs, as they were affectionately known, died during a loss to the NBA's worst team, the Philadelphia 76ers. Initial reports labeled the cause of death as poor free-throw shooting, awful defense, and an inability to stop Andre Iguodala from scoring more than double his season average of 16.7 points per game. Many other excuses abounded, such as they were tired or it was just one of those things.

Many times during their 37 years the Cavaliers made the playoffs, only to bring heartbreak to their fans. The "Miracle of Richfield" team advanced to the Eastern Conference finals in the 1975-76 season, only to lose to the Boston Celtics in a series of dramatic finishes. Some blamed the loss on a broken foot that kept star center Jim Chones off the court. In the late 1980s and early 1990s, the Cavs suffered a series of losses to Michael Jordan's Chicago Bulls. The most memorable was labeled "The Shot", when Jordan's 20-footer over Craig Ehlo in Game 5 of the first-round Eastern Conference playoffs gave the Bulls a 100-99 win at the buzzer. Just one season ago, the Cavs had a chance to upset the defending champion Detroit Pistons in the Eastern Conference semifinals, but their inability to grab even one rebound among four missed Pistons shots in the final two minutes of Game 6 cost them the series. At the time, Cleveland said it would have many more chances and that they were an up-and-coming team.

But the chances were few. After a promising start to this season, the Cavs were sent on a seven-game West Coast trip earlier this month where they caught lazyitis. After winning two of their first three games on the trip, chartered flights with recliners, first-class hotels, and NBA groupies caught up with the team. They complained of tired legs as they lost games to the Seattle SuperSonics and Portland Trail Blazers, the two worst teams in the Northwest Division. The long flight that covered the 173 miles from Seattle to Portland and the fact that the Cavaliers were forced to play AGAIN on back-to-back nights was blamed for the loss to the Trail Blazers.

Upon returning home at the beginning of the week, again on a first-class flight, the Cavaliers remained tired and lethargic while trailing from start to finish against the Orlando Magic. It was the Magic's only win in its last six games.

Then, at 9:52 p.m. on Wednesday night, the lethargic Cavaliers finally died.

The team is survived by approximately 414,000 angry Clevelanders and six times that many in the Greater Cleveland area, and LeBron James' mother. It will be buried in a ceremony Saturday at Lake View Cemetary, next to the body of former Cleveland Indian Ray Chapman, who died after being struck by a pitch in the head in a 1920 baseball game.

2007-01-13T12:38:00.000-05:00

Sodom -v- Gomorrah

Sodom and Gomorrah meet in the NFL playoffs today when the ~~Baltimore~~Indianapolis Colts visit the ~~Cleveland Browns~~Baltimore Ravens. No one in Cleveland will be turned into a pillar of salt for watching. Instead, we will be turned into seething little balls of hate, filled to the lips with bile and anger, fueled by the rage of watching eight years of bad Browns football coupled with visions of Art Modell, Bill Cowher, and Bill Belichick holding the Lombarty Trophy high over their heads.

Coming two days after the 20th anniversary of The Drive, it's all just too much.

Apparently we're supposed to feel sorry for Baltimore fans and root for them to get their revenge by whipping the Colts today. After all, then-owner Bob Irsay stole the Colts from Baltimore in the dead of night nearly 23 years. The Mayflower moving trucks used for the late-night theft immediately became a symbol of the screwed-over fan. Baltimore fans cursed their fate.

Thirteen years later, Art Modell moved the Browns there. Baltimore became what it hated, a city that would steal another city's team and have a good laugh about it. There were Art Modell and Maryland governor Paris Glendenning laughing it up on the podium announcing the Browns' move. Now, nearly 13 years after that, the Ravens play host to the team that moved from Baltimore in a playoff game.

Now the Ravens are beloved in Baltimore.

Perhaps if Cleveland stole some other city's teams, such as was rumored with the Minnesota Vikings in the late 1990s, we would be enjoying the success Ravens' fans are enjoying. Maybe if we didn't have to start over and instead nabbed a team like the New Orleans Saints whose owner has long wanted to move we would be back in the playoffs again. Heck, maybe if we made Ozzie Newsome stay here when the Browns left, we'd have a chance to make our second Super Bowl in the 21st century.

But no, we're left out in the cold again. The best we can root for is for Ray Lewis to be arrested on the field at halftime as the murder case in Atlanta in which he was involved seven years ago is reopened. Or for the egg that Peyton Manning bursts from in that Gatorade commercial to roll onto the field, scoop him up, and roll away. Or for Art Modell to suffer a heart attack in the first quarter -- unless the Ravens lose, in which case we want the heart attack to come at the end of the game.

Most likely, this will be the most entertaining playoff game of them all, one that is talked about for decades. It will probably be labeled an instant classic, as the Ravens defense scores a late touchdown, and then Peyton Manning overcomes his troubles to lead the Colts to the winning score at the buzzer.

And all Ravens fans will collapse in a fake malaise, while all Clevelanders continue to suffer in silence.

2007-01-07T21:51:00.000-05:00

Root, root, root for which team?

The NFL playoffs have a distinctive Cleveland flavor, and it's the kind that makes us want to throw up like Nicole Richie after Thanksgiving dinner.

Just who do we root for this time around? Newly beloved Eagles quarterback Jeff Garcia, who actually embarrassed the embarrassing Browns during his short time here? The disgusting Baltimore Ravens? The always-ready-to-disappoint Marty Schottenheimer, whose teams have flamed out spectacularly in the playoffs not only here, but in Kansas City and San Diego as well? Or how about the New Orleans Saints, whose offensive line is anchored by center Jeff Faine, cast off by the Browns just before signing old New Orleans Saints center LeCharles Bentley? The Indianapolis Colts, whose move from Baltimore way back when opened the door for Art Modell to move our Browns there in the first place? Good ole Bill Belichick, the NFL's newest genius????

At least the Pittsburgh Steelers didn't make the playoffs. This year.

Browns fans have been dumped on so many times, we can't turn around without bumping into someone who's kicked us in the rear. We're like a puppy that was beaten for the first six months of its life; there's no one we trust. Except in our case, we've been beaten for the last 43 years or so.

But we can't spend our lives being bitter. We'll end up like those angry sports talk radio callers who are always yelling for the coach to be fired or the backup quarterback to start. We have to find the path to enlightment.

With that in mind, here's your guide for the rest of the playoffs -- the reasons both to root for and against each of the remaining teams.

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

Pros: Marty Schottenheimer's really one of us. He suffered the playoff losses to the Denver Broncos and held his head high. He's carried the stink of "Martyball" with him from the time he made Bernie Kosar hand the ball off to Kevin Mack and Earnest Byner over and over again. The label's hung with him as he's posted a 5-12 career playoff record. And tight end Antonio Gates is a Kent State product.

Cons: Rooting for Marty Schottenheimer is hazardous to your health. All Chargers games -- heck, all games Marty coaches -- should carry a Surgeon General's warning. Expect the worst when you root for one of Marty's teams, and you won't be disappointed.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

Pros: We treated Bill Belichick like a leper when he was here and would have chased him out of town if Art Modell didn't take our team away first. But he's reinvented himself in New England, and there's no questioning three Super Bowl titles in four years. You might not like Belichick, but the Patriots have been a class act led by quarterback Tom Brady. Plus offensive coordinator/quarterbacks Josh McDaniels is a John Carroll grad and Canton product.

Cons: The Patriots have won plenty already. And Bill Belichick WAS a real ass when he was here.

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

Pros: It's nice to see Jeff Garcia rise from the dead along with the Eagles. He's on the cover of the latest Sports Illustrated. And if we're lucky and the Eagles keep winning we'll get to see more pictures of Garcia's fiancee, Avon Lake native Carmela DeCesare. Plus the Eagles have cool univorms.

Cons: Until this year, Jeff Garcia had won just one game after leaving Cleveland, and that was AGAINST the Browns as quarterback of the Detroit Lions last year. And when he found himself in the middle of a catfight between his old and new girlfriends in the Warehouse District during the 2004 season, he did something no one thought could be done -- he embarrassed one of the NFL's most dysfunctional franchises.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

Pros: They're the new America's team. Reggie Bush is a rising star. The offensive is the best in league and fun to watch. And maybe the Browns did have a good offensive lineman after all in Faine.

Cons: It's just not fair. Why can teams continually go from worst to first, as long as they don't play the majority of their games in Cleveland. Plus, Jeff Faine anchors the offensive line. We all know the Browns haven't had any good offensive lineman since they returned!

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

Pros: Uh, they're nice guys? Starbucks is yummy?

Cons: They were just there last year!

CHICAGO BEARS

Pros: A kick-ass defense is what football is all about. Chicago is almost a sister city to Cleveland. Or at least a parent city, cuz it's the city we want to grow up to be. And though the Bears is one of the NFL's storied franchises, they've been fairly downtrodden over the last 10 years or so for their 1985 Super Bowl championship.

Cons: The Bears are still living off of that 1985 Super Bowl championship. Then there's the White Sox, Michael Jordan, and the World's Largest Tavern a.k.a Wrigley Field, where the Cubs perennially disappoint. They got plenty in Chicago, they don't need another Super Bowl title.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

Pros: Peyton Manning is one of the NFL's good guys, even if he does throw his offensive line or defense or idiot kicker under the bus every now and then. Tony Dungy is a class act. And they've been a fun offense to watch for years.

Cons: It's the Colts fault the Browns moved to Baltimore to begin with. First, they drafted John Elway, then didn't want to pay him enough money, so he held out and went to Denver. While there, he crushed Browns fans dreams. Then the Colts snuck out of Baltimore, leaving a gaping hole that Art Modell eventually filled.

BALTIMORE RAVENS

Pros: You've got to be kidding me! Screw the Ravens!!!!!

So here's your choices of who to root for -- either the Chargers, Bears, or Seahawks. It'll be just like rooting for the Browns if you root for the Chargers, since Marty Schottenheimer is sure to break your heart. If you don't want your heart broken, root for the Bears. One of you friends or one of your friends' kids is sure to move there for a job soon anyway and become a Bears fans. Safest of all is the Seahawks. They're the guilt-free choice in 2007.

2007-01-04T17:14:00.000-05:00

The Year in Review

Part 2

Not much went right in the Cleveland sports world in 2006. Even the Cavs, who gave us our most excitement by winning a playoff series, started the year with a 14-15 record in January and February. Really, we enjoyed two-and-a-half good months in 2006 -- March, April, and part of May -- before everything spun out of control like Ricky Bobby in a NASCAR race.

Not only could our teams not do anything right, our players couldn't say anything right. Kellen Winslow Jr., our poster child for foot-in-mouth disease, contributed more than his share of outlandish quotes in 2006. But Braylon Edwards threatened to pass his teammate with what seemed like weekly proclamations.

The old standbys weren't the only ones to make our jaws drop by making their jaws drop, though. Mark Shapiro, Paul Dolan, Ramon Vazquez and plenty of others had something to say, and we soon had something to laugh at.

So here are the Top Cleveland Sports Quotes of 2006:

"We have an emotionally traumatized fan base. It's nothing that happened recently. It was when they went 40 years before winning. So now, they think:
'Oh, goodness! We're not going to win again for 40 years.'" -- Mark Shapiro, quoted in a Bill Livingston column in The Plain Dealer in February
That's Cleveland sports, summed up in three sentences. Sad thing is, Mark Shapiro's probably right.
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"This is my ultimate dream. Every day, I wished this could've happened. This is where my roots are and where I want to blossom… This is absolutely a dream come true. This is it for me right here. Now I can die happy ... I grew up watching Bernie Kosar and Webster Slaughter. I idolized those guys. I want to be that guy. I feel right now I'm going to be that guy." -- LeCharles Bentley upon signing with the Browns
Like every Cleveland sports dream, LeCharles Bentley's turned into a nightmare. When the turf jumped up to bite his knee on the first day of training camp it most likely ended his playing career. No one associated with the team will say anything, but rumors are that a staph infection has settled in and LeCharles won't be back for 2007. No other event symbolized this city's sports lucks more than this.

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“I predict Jim Thome is going to have a Jim Thome year (in 2006). He’s in top-notch shape and is still as good a hitter as he ever was.” -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Charlie Manual.
“I’m disappointed to see him in our division. The White Sox gave up a lot. They took a risk, but it’s a trade that could have a very high ceiling.” -- Shapiro
Jim Thome's final stats for the Chicago White Sox: .288 average, 42 HRs, 109 RBI, 108 runs scored. He only hit .214 against the Indians, but knocked in 14 runs.
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"What was inexcusable tonight was for me to give up. I'd like to apologize to my teammates, the fans, my family and whoever else was in the stands. That's the first time in my career that's happened to me. I just lost focus." -- Indians pitcher C.C. Sabathia after giving up eight runs in the third inning of a June game against the Chicago Cubs.
Don't worry, C.C., we gave up on the team long before you did.
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''I hate to be brash, but I think my 90 percent is still better than every tight end out there.'' -- Kellen Winslow Jr.
Winslow did finish ninth in the NFL in receptions, but he didn't make the Pro Bowl. And he does not hate to be brash.
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"I guess I'm shocked by it. I'm not sure I understand the economics of such a deal. It demonstrates that we have more work to do on the economic disparity within the game." -- Indians president Paul Dolan's reaction to the Boston Red Sox's payment of $51.1 million for the rights to negotiate with Japanese pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka.
Of course Paul Dolan was shocked -- it involved a bundle of money!

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"I don't feel like I embarrassed my teammates. I embarrassed myself to some extent. That's not my character. That's not me. Nobody knows me as that type of guy. I've always been the clean cut, quiet, well-spoken guy, so that wasn't me. I embarrassed myself a little bit and I feel I embarrassed this organization to some extent. I wish I could do it back, but I can't."
"All I did was show I cared about the game. All I did was show my passion for the game. It's not like I fought anybody. It's not like I gave the bird to somebody in the stands or anything like that. I was just showing passion about the game." -- Braylon Edwards, after getting into Browns QB Charlie Frye's face on the sidelines during a game
"We're coming after (the Steelers') ass," -- Braylon Edwards after the Browns beat the Atlanta Falcons
SILENCE -- Braylon Edwards by the end of the season

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"If we're ahead by 30, then I would like to see some of (Derek Anderson)," -- Browns head coach Derek Anderson, before he actually had to use Derek Anderson
Hey, Romeo, all the rest of us would like to see the Browns ahead by 30. First you have to SCORE 30, though.

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Jason Johnson is a "durable innings eater." -- Shapiro upon signing the journeyman pitcher.
All that eating gave us indigestion. Johnson went 3-8 with the Tribe before getting his release waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too late in the season. For some reason, after watching him post a 5.96 ERA with the Tribe, the Boston Red Sox and Cincinnati Reds thought Johnson could still pitch. Both tried him out. Johnson went 0-4 for Boston and didn't post a decision for the Reds. He finished with a 6.10 ERA.

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And the most ridiculous quote uttered by anyone wearing a Cleveland uniform this past year:
"I never got a fair shot here. Not this year or last year." -- Indians utility infielder Ramon Vazquez, upon being sent to Buffalo after hitting .209 in 67 at-bats and costing the Tribe Brandon Phillips
At least Vazquez got it right moments later when he said, "This has been a horrible year." Yes, Ramon, it sure has!

2006-12-28T19:56:00.000-05:00

The Year in Review

Part 1

We began the year watching Bill Cowher hold the Super Bowl trophy high over his head. We'll most likely end 2006 watching the Browns finish with the third-worst record in the NFL. In between we watched ...

... Coco Crisp get traded to the Boston Red Sox.
... Larry Hughes get injured in two different seasons.
... No Browns make the Pro Bowl -- twice.
... the Cavs blow a chance to make the Eastern Conference finals.
... Brandon Phillips hit 17 homers and steal 25 bases for the Indians, errrrrr, Cincinnati Reds.
... Jim Thome hit a home run on opening day. And in the second game of the season. For the White Sox. AGAINST the Indians.
... Jason Johnson waaaaay too much.
... Fausto Carmona try to be a closer waaaaay too much.
... Another division rival (the Tigers) win another championship (the World Series).
... Browns would-be center LeCharles Bentley tear his patellar tendon on the first day of training camp.
... Maurice Carthon's man crush on Lawrence Vickers.
... Browns defensive back Gary Baxter tear BOTH his patellar tendons in a game.
... staph infection, 4, Cleveland Browns, zero.
... the Baltimore Ravens close in on a BETTER record than when they won the Super Bowl.
... Carlos Boozer and the Utah Jazz put together one of the NBA's best records.

And guess what? This wasn't the worst year in Cleveland sports history. Not even close!

Let's put it this way. If 2006 were the Titanic and Cleveland sports were the iceberg, the Titanic would have been sailing across the Pacific Ocean, Leonardo DiCaprio would be acting in porn under the name Leo the Cap, and Kate Winslet would be asking, "Paper or plastic?" This past year not only wasn't the worst in Cleveland sports history, in terms of wins and losses, it was one of the BEST!

Yes, chew on that. One of the best.

Since Jan. 1, our teams' collective record is 137-134. If the Cavs win one of their final two games or the Browns beat the Texans on New Year's Eve, we'll have actually enjoyed a winning year of sports. Sure the Indians had a lousy year, but they finished just a few games under .500 at 78-84. The awful Browns are 3-12. But the Cavs have saved us, with a 16-11 mark this season and a 39-28 mark (including playoffs) for the 2006 portion of the 2005-2006 season.

The current .506 winning percentage ranks 11th best among years since 1970, when our three-team sporting era began. It just feels worse since we're well off the pace of last year's 142-118 mark -- the fourth-best since 1970.

Which begs the question: What exactly were the best and worst years for Cleveland sports since the Cavs were born in 1970? GHCS has devised a not-so-scientific formula to figure it out.

We simply added up each of our team's record in each calendar year, playoffs included. A good season by the Indians or Cavs can skew the total since they play so many games, so we put a qualifier on the worst seasons. To meet the criteria for worst seasons, each of our teams must have finished .500 or worse, and there could be no playoff games played by our teams that calendar year. Simple as that.

So here are your Five Worst Years in Cleveland Sports History, Three-Team Era:

1. 1982, (95-157 .377 winning percentage)
-- A totally forgettable year, and not just for Cleveland sports. Can you remember ANYTHING that happened in 1982? Heck, even The A-Team wouldn't debut on NBC for another year and Len Barker's perfect game came the year before. The NFL would rather forget -- a strike wiped out half the season. The Browns finished 4-5 and made the playoffs because half the league made the playoffs. But 1982 still qualifies because the playoff game wasn't until 1983! And neither was the Browns last game; they actually went 4-4 in games played in calendar year 2002. Meanwhile, the Indians went 78-84 while the Cavs were 13-69 in 1982, which spanned two unforgettable seasons in which the Cavs lost a combined 126 games.

The skinny: Browns 4-4 (Brian Sipe 4 TD, 8 INT); Indians 78-84 (Andre Thornton 32 HRs; Len Barker 15-11); Cavs 15-67 in 1981-82, 23-59 in 1982-83 (World B. Free 24.2 ppg in 1982-83).

2. 1991 (104-155, .402)
-- The opposite of 1982 in that it was memorable for so much more than wins and losses. And there were a lot of losses! The Indians suffered their worst season ever, finishing 57-105. The Browns began the Bill Belichick era with a 6-10 mark. And the Cavs would up one season with a 33-49 mark. They began the 1991-92 season with much more hope, finishing with a team-record 57 wins before bowing out to Michael Jordan on The Shot in the playoffs. Hey, at least Jordan proclaimed the Cavs, "The Team of the '90s!"

The skinny: Browns 6-10 (Bernie Kosar 18 TD, 9 INT; Kevin Mack 726 rushing yards); Indians 57-105 (Albert Belle 28 HRs, 95 RBI); Cavs 41-40 (OK, so we cheated a bit, since the Cavs did finish the calendar year over .500) in midst of 33-49 and 57-25 campaigns (the foundation for The Team of the '90s is laid).

2. 1984 (105-152, .409)
-- The Cavs were in the midst of nine straight losing seasons, the Browns were still living off the glory of the Kardiac Kids lucky 1980 seasons, and the Indians hadn't finished higher than fourth place since 1968. The early 1980s were truly the dark days of Cleveland sports. In fact, 1983 and 1981 would be on this list as well if not for the Browns playoff games played in each of those calendar years. (Two games the team lost, of course). In 1984, the Indians went 75-87, the Browns 5-11, and the Cavs 25-54. Though the collective record was better than in 1982, you could make a case that 1984 was a worse year because all the teams were so lousy. At least in 1982 the Browns were basically a .500 team. But the strike pushes 1982 to the top of the list of bad worst Cleveland sports years.

The skinny: Browns 5-11 (Paul McDonald 14 TD, 23 INT; Boyce Green (???) 673 yards rushing); Indians 75-87 (Andre Thornton 33 HR, 99 RBI; Bert Blyleven 19-7); Cavs 25-54 in midst of 28-54 and 36-46 seasons (World B. Free 22.5 ppg in both seasons).

3 & 4. 1974-1975 (combined 236-269, .467)
-- The 1970s were to Cleveland what a black hole is to the universe, just a giant cosmic force sucking the life and light out of everything around it. By the middle of the decade our teams had succumbed. Our beloved Browns, dominant in the 1950s and 1960s, won just seven games in 1974 and 1975 combined. The Cavs and Indians weren't horrible, generally hanging around the .500 mark, but their mediocrity presaged a decade which saw the city slide into bankruptcy and become the butt of jokes on nightly talk shows.

The skinny: Browns 4-10/3-11 (the Mike Phipps era -- 13 TD, 36 INT); Indians 77-85/79-80 (George Hendrick 43 HRs, Gaylord Perry 27 wins); Cavs 73-83 while going 29-53 in 1973-74, 40-42 in 1974-75 and 49-33 in 1975-76 (Austin Carr, Bingo Smith, Lenny Wilkens, and Jim Chones among the team's scoring leaders).

5. 1970 (93-121, .434)
-- They talk about the curse of Rocky Colavito. They talk about God hating Cleveland sports. But was the city really cursed by the birth of the Cavs? Were the Cavs a Damian-like force, as outlined in The Omen later in the decade? We had good teams throughout the 1950s and '60s. The Browns won championships, the Indians made World Series and battled for first place many times. But then came 1970, the Cavs, and the downfall of a once great city sportscape. It's only fifth among worst years in Cleveland sports history, but it might very well be where it all began. After all, the Browns had enjoyed 13 straight winning seasons before going .500 when the Cavs joined the scene.

The skinny: Browns 7-7 (Bill Nelsen 16 TD, 16 INT; Leroy Kelly 656 rushing yards); Indians 76-86 (Graig Nettles 26 HRs, Sam McDowell 20-12); Cavs 10-28 in first half of inaugural season (Walt Wesley 17.7 pgg).

6. 1995
-- OK, it doesn't meet the criteria. The Indians were good -- waaaaaaaaaaaaaay good -- and at the beginning of a run that felt like a teenager discovering sex. A 109-50 season and World Series berth? The Cavs were pretty good, too, with winning years in both 1994-95 and 1995-96. Ah, but the Browns. Art Modell announced that the team was moving to Baltimore and all hell broke lose. On one hand you've got one of the greatest Indians seasons in 100-plus years. On the other hand you've got the worst Browns season ever. Charles Dickens was right, it really was the best of times and the worst of times.

HONORABLE MENTION
2002 -- 106-157 (.403) combined mark, with Indians going 74-88 and Cavs 23-62, but Browns' 9-7 mark which earned them a playoff spot kept this year from being among the worst ever.

2003 -- 95-166 (.364) combined mark. This is actually the second-worst yearly winning percentage since 1970, but that Browns-Steelers playoff game eased the pain, right???

So what were the best records? 1994, 1995, and 1996. Thanks to the Indians boon and The Team of the '90s, Cleveland teams posted a collective .614 mark in 1994, .599 mark in 1996, and .588 in 1995.

1994 looks farther away every year.

2006-12-20T11:04:00.000-05:00

Pro Bowl = No Bowl

The NFL has announced its Pro Bowl rosters, and once again not a single Cleveland Brown heard his name called.

In other news, everyone in the country has had premarital sex, scientists still have not found life on Mars, anti-tobacco ads have subliminal messages encouraging kids to smoke, and the Cavs can't can't win on the road. Or against the Pistons. Or in the second of back-to-back games.

But really, pick a Brown for the Pro Bowl and you're likely to end up with the tree from the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. Save Kellen Winslow, who leads all tight ends with 76 catches, Browns players deserve to go to the Pro Bowl as much as Santa Claus deserves to go to jail.

No one's complaining though. The Browns offer Pro Bowl selectors about as nutrition as a McDonald's menu. Charlie Frye's 23rd in passer rating and has a broken wrist. Reuben Droughns isn't even among the top 30 in rushing yards. Winslow, despite his 76 catches, doesn't crack the top 30 in receiving yards. Braylon Edwards is 23rd in receiving yards, but out of the top 30 in receptions. Phil Dawson has more field goals than just eight other regular kickers. Dave Zastudil is just average, ranking 13th in punting. Even the once-great Joshua Cribbs has dropped to 11th in kick returns.

And on defense? Kamerion Wimbley and Andra Davis crack the top 20 in sacks and tackles, respectively, while Sean Jones is top 10 in interceptions. But being merely good for a bad team won't cut it.

This year's exclusion makes eight years back for the Browns and one Pro Bowler. That was Jamir Miller in 2001. Then again, why would Browns fans want anyone else to go to the Pro Bowl when Jamir blew out his Achilles' the following preseason and never played another down in the regular season.

Even sadder, each of the Browns' final two opponents has a Pro Bowler despite records no better than the Browns. At least we'll get to see Tampa Bay's Ronde Barber this week and Houston's Andre Johnson next week. Johnson leads the league in receptions and is sixth in receive yards. Barber's been there three straight years and four out of the last five.

Us, we'll stick with the streaks that God's saddled us with. Forty-two years since a championship. Four straight years without a Pro Bowler. And what looks like a long road ahead.

2006-12-12T23:56:00.000-05:00

What would Troy do?

By mayoral decree, Wednesday is Troy Smith Day in Cleveland.

If your name is Troy or your name is Smith, you can do whatever you want to do in Cleveland today. And if your name is Troy Smith, and you went to Glenville High School, and you just won the Heisman Trophy, well, line up the photographers and news crews.

On Troy Smith's agenda is a return to Glenville at 3 p.m., where he'll celebrate his Heisman victory and Ohio State's unbeaten season and national championship shot with his neighbors and friends. He'll be feted, he'll be photographed, he'll be filmed.

Most likely, there will be many other things Troy Smith will be doing around Cleveland on Troy Smith Day. You can expect to see a report on Troy Smith Day leading the 11 o'clock news, with pictures of everything Troy Smith did on Troy Smith Day in Cleveland.

Here's the early odds on what you can expect to see Troy Smith doing on the 11 o'clock news:

TROY SMITH SHAKING LEBRON JAMES' HAND -- Even odds

-- Lebron is Cleveland's sports ambassador. The Cavs play a home game against the Charlotte Bobcats Wednesday. Perhaps Troy Smith is Cleveland's next sports ambassador. The twain should meet.

TROY SMITH SHAKING CHARLIE FRYE'S INJURED HAND -- 30/1
-- Some want Troy Smith to take Charlie Frye's job. Heck, some want Derek Anderson to take Charlie Frye's job. Charlie Frye probably isn't too interested in meeting his possible future competition.

TROY SMITH RIDING A FIRE TRUCK -- 35/1
-- Doesn't the hero son always ride a fire truck during his festivities?

TROY SMITH SITTING COURTSIDE AT THE CAVS GAME -- 100/1
-- We all know Troy Smith can't afford Cavaliers courtside seats. Heck, he can probably barely afford the $10 seats that would put him three rows from the sun. Since he already paid his penance for accepting money from a booster, Troy's certainly loathe to be seen on the 11 o'clock news sitting right behind Lebron James during the Cavs game ... right?

TROY SMITH VISITING MAURICE CLARETT IN JAIL -- 1,000/1
-- Paying Maurice's cell-phone bill got Troy in enough trouble already!

TROY SMITH RIDING KELLEN WINSLOW's MOTORCYCLE -- 3,500/1
-- At least wear a helmet if you do, Troy.

TROY SMITH IN A "GOD HATES CLEVELAND SPORTS" HAT -- 5,000/1
-- Although he's from Cleveland, Troy Smith's team isn't hated by God because it plays in Columbus. But if the Browns select Troy Smith in the draft next April, he'll find out all about what God thinks.