Heard this

one before?

If God were a comedian, He'd be the guy with the flower that squirts water into your face every time you leaned over to smell it. Or the guy who would shock you with a buzzer every time you shook His hand. Then He'd double over in laughter as if it were the funniest joke He'd ever heard, fall over on His back, and just about pee His pants while you wiped the water off your face.

Then five minutes later, He'd try the same joke. And you'd fall for it. At least in Cleveland.

A huge losing streak for the Cavs after the All-Star break followed by a seat on the couch for the playoffs last year? Funny! Let's try that joke again this year. Make sure it includes a 12-point loss to the Pistons, the class of the conference. That was such a good joke, let's do it again the next day. Two 12-point losses to the Pistons are better than one! God's coughing from laughing so hard.

Rasheed Wallace's elbow to Zydrunas Ilgauskas's head Sunday wasn't even a new joke. Seventeen years ago today the Cavs were cruising along in first place with a 41-12 record when the Detroit Pistons came to town. These were the infamous Bad Boy Pistons of Dennis Rodman, Bill Laimbeer, Rick Mahorn, et. al. And there at halfcourt of good old Richfield Coliseum, Mahorn delivered an elbow to Mark Price's head with such force that it would make the guy from Memento wince.

The Cavs won the game, but four days later they lost the rematch. The Cavs, who went into the rematch with a 43-12 record, finished the season 14-13. The Pistons won the division, the Cavs played the Bulls in the playoffs, Michael Jordan became Michael Jordan when he made The Shot over Craig Ehlo, and God doubled over in laughter as if it were the funniest joke He'd ever heard, fell over on His back, and just about peed His pants while Cavs fans wiped the water off their faces and the tears out of their eyes.

Mahorn's elbow may have concussed more than Price, because not soon after GM Wayne Embry traded Ron Harper for, gulp, Danny Ferry. The Cavs won more than 50 games just once after that season. Seventeen years later, Danny Ferry is the GM while more Cavs are being elbowed in the head by Pistons. Let's hope Lebron James doesn't get traded because of this.

If he does, make sure you check God's hand for a buzzer before you shake His hand.

The Cleveland Collapse©

So now we're booing Lebron James, getting crushed by the Pistons on national TV, and staring at a four-game Cavs losing streak what with Detroit coming to town for a rematch tomorrow night.

Don't act surprised. It's the inevitable Cleveland Collapse©, brought to you by the Cavs last season and duplicated by the Indians at the end of the baseball season. The Browns would collapse, too, if they were good enough.

Indians GM Mark Shapiro said it best in Bill Livingston's column in today's Plain Dealer:

"We have an emotionally traumatized fan base. It's nothing that happened recently. It was when they went 40 years before winning. So now, they think:
'Oh, goodness! We're not going to win again for 40 years.'"

That's right, Mark, we're not! Not as long as God hates us, at least.

Flip response

No one's buying a Cadillac with spare change found under the couch cushions, which the Cavs learned last night. In his first game with the Cavs since coming over from Seattle for the nickels and dimes on the end of the Cavs' bench, Ronald "Flip" Murray scored an Eric Snow-like four points in 24 minutes, saw his team lose 102-94 to Washington, and heard the home fans boo Lebron James.

Anyone surprised? Welcome to Cleveland, Flip!

The Cavs have been spinning a hamster wheel in pursuit of a 3-point shooter ever since they blew up the team and ejected all their 3-point shooters before the 2002-03 season in a successful attempt to suck enough to draft Lebron. The Cavs were fifth in the league in 3-point shooting in 2001-02. But in a bit of divine retribution, the Cavs have been in the bottom four in 3-point shooting every season since. Which leads to the addition of Murray, who comes to the team for Mike Wilks, who played as often as Cleveland wins a championship. But he's a shooter who can't shoot (sub-30% from 3-point land during his career). And though he averaged 9.9 points per game this year for the Sonics, he scored less than that 14 out of his last 18 games.

It all must be some part of a master plan. Or perhaps a Master's plan.

Off the charts

Apparently hooking up with a Cleveland team does more damage to a reputation than hooking up with Kevin Federline. The stink of Cleveland sports has already attached itself to Indians third base prospect Andy Marte, even though he hasn't made it to town yet. Baseball America just released its annual Top 100 prospects list, and guess who has dropped out of the Top 10? That's right, our newest acquisition.

Last year, Marte ranked ninth in BA's poll. Then he was traded from the Braves to the Red Sox. Then he was traded from the Red Sox to the Indians. Then he moved down the charts quicker than PopoZao. Marte comes in at 14th this year.

And it's not just Marte. Adam Miller, ranked by BA as the Indians top prospect both last year and this year, dropped from 16th to 47th. Michael Aubrey went from 41st to off the list. We can only wonder what fate awaits Jeremy Sowers and Brad Snyder, who cracked the Top 100 this year.

Cleveland sports teams have become the equivilent of that smoky bar where you just want to get a beer. No matter how hard you try, you can't avoid smelling like a cigarette when you come out. God knows this, and Baseball America has figured it out, too.

Making our sports safe

The Cavs are visiting Philly tonight, and city officials there are trying to prevent violence by giving two tickets to an upcoming 76ers game to anyone who turns a working gun over to police. Cleveland should adopt such a program, but for a different reason. It might prevent suicide after fans watch another sports collapse.

Just think, last season Jacobs Field might have been more than half full for the Tampa Bay series at the end of the season if police gave away tickets for every gun turned in. After all, everyone knew what was waiting for the Tribe, especially after Grady Sizemore dropped that fly ball to end the game in Kansas City the day before. Who didn't feel like shooting themselves in the head after that? By giving away tickets for guns, not only would the Indians have packed the Jake, they would have made fans that much more comfortable with the inevitable collapse.

Really, a guns-for-tickets program would make following any Cleveland team a much safer experience. What, Carlos Boozer has stabbed us in the back and accepted a contract with the Jazz?? Kellen Winslow flipped over the handlebars of his motorcycle?? Braylon Edwards tore how many knee ligaments??? Larry Hughes is out for how long???? Blam, blam, blam and BLAM!

To play it safe, police should give away tickets to fans who turn in anything that could be used in a suicide attempt. Going to a Cavs game? Free tickets for any length of rope! Want to watch the Browns this Sunday? You'd feel much safer if you dropped all your bottles of pills off at the police station. Got an Indians jones? Better turn over your garden hose. Maybe the police can make sure your garage-door opener has fresh batteries as well.

Not only would this program make rooting for Cleveland teams that much safer, it would lead toward eternal salvation as well. After all, for as much as God hates Cleveland sports, he hates suicide that much more.

Cleanup in
aisle three

• White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle went 2-0 with three no decisions in five starts against the Indians last year. Sounds like the perfect choice for God, errrrrrrrr, White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen as this year's Opening Day starter. Now Tribe manager Eric Wedge has announced that C.C. Sabathia will oppose Buehrle in the ESPN opener at 8 p.m. EST on April 3. Sabathia went 0-1 with a 4.63 ERA against the White Sox last year, and the Indians have lost both of his previous Opening Day starts. It's a match made in heaven!

• Albert Belle, still mean. Seems that the cantankerous former Tribe slugger has been accused of stalking his ex-girlfriend by putting a GPS device in his car. How lazy! Belle couldn't even be bothered to follow her around himself; he made a computer do it. Ironically, a judge has ordered Belle to be electronically monitored until he goes to court.

• If you think the lines at The Q are long for Lebron James Bobblehead day, just wait til July 9 at Jacobs Field. That's John Adams Bobblehead Day! No, not the president. You know, the drummer? The guy who sits up in the bleachers? He brings his big bass drum to every game? Ummmmm, John Adams???
• God Hates Cleveland Sports is becoming famous. Check out entries about us in other Cleveland blogs: Brewed Fresh Daily, Vinny and the Hornless Rhino, Papa Cass, and Crooked River Sports.

Interleague design

Most people think that Barry Bonds has never hit a home run against the Indians because he has played his entire career in the National League. You might think that -- if you didn't live in Cleveland. But since Barry Bonds has managed to hit at least one home run against every OTHER team in baseball save the Red Sox and Devil Rays, you start thinking there's something else at work here.

Like God is going to let fans of any team named after the devil watch one of baseball's greatest players at work. Like God is going to let whiny Red Sox fans enjoy Bonds' feats. And like God is going to let Cleveland fans enjoy watching history that doesn't involve giving them a heart attack.

And now Bonds decides he's going to retire after this season. Or maybe after next season. Either way, the Giants are already done playing the Indians. The teams played their three games last year, with Bonds conveniently sitting out due to a "knee injury". Is that what God's calling it these days?

The Moses
of Cleveland
Lebron James won the NBA All-Star Game MVP yesterday, which immediately became one of the top five Cleveland sports moments of the 21st century.

There hasn't been much to cheer for in Cleveland since two seconds before Dennis Northcutt dropped Kelly Holcomb's third-down pass in the playoff choke, errrrr, loss to the Steelers four years ago. None of our teams has won more games than it has lost since then. Even the James-era Cavs are 108-108 since he joined them. The Indians have had just one winning season out of the last four and the Browns -- well, let's just say that God's been keeping a close eye on the Browns thesese last few years.

Hmmmm, sounds like Lebron's All-Star trophy just moved up the 21st century list. Like to second, right behind the Cavs drafting Lebron. And right before Lebron's runner-up performance in Saturday's All-Star skills contest.

No question Lebron's our greatest hope, and when he held that MVP trophy over his head like Moses displaying the Ten Commandments, he looked like someone who might very well lead us to the promised land. After all, he had just parted the red sea of Western Conference jerseys to the tune of 29 points, helping the East overcome a 21-point deficit in a 122-120 victory.

Maybe someday, when God stops hating us, that will be the Larry O'Brien Championship Trophy Lebron's holding. Let's just hope it doesn't take 40 more years of wandering through the sports desert to get there. Cuz Lebron would be really old and probably not very good by then.

What a Diff
a year makes

Here's the Diff between the Cavs at the All-Star break this year and the Cavs at the All-Star break last year: +½.

Add up all the changes from last season -- a new owner (Dan Gilbert), a new coach (Mike Brown), new name for the Cavs' home arena (Quicken Loans Arena), new P.A. announcer (Ronnie Duncan), new colors for the seats (wine), new free agents (Larry Hughes, Damon Jones, Donyell Marshall), and new stat on the scoreboard (The Diff) -- and the calculator reveals a half-game improvement at the break. Exactly 365 days ago, the Cavs lost their last game before the All-Star break to drop to 30-21. This year, the Cavs beat Boston in double overtime in their last game before the All-Star break to improve to 31-21.

And the Diff is about to be erased, because in their first game after the All-Star break last year, the Cavs won to give themselves a 31-21 record. Then they promptly went on a six-game losing streak. They found themselves at 35-32 before anyone could ask, "Why, God, why???"

Everything feels different this year, with the new owner and the new coach and the new arena name and the new PA announcer and the new free agents and the new statistic. But here's a Diff between last year and this year that's scarier than the last 15 minutes of The Ring: 1. That's the number of players in the starting lineup of Wednesday's victory over the Celtics that were NOT in the starting lineup of the final game before the All-Star break last year.

Wednesday night the Cavs sent Lebron James, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Drew Gooden, Sasha Pavlovic, and Eric Snow onto the court to start against the Celtics. Last year against the T-Wolves in the last game before the break, the Cavs started Lebron James, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Drew Gooden, Sasha Pavlovic, and Jeff McInnis.

Oh, and Ira Newble missed both games because of injury. Nothing Diff there.

One. All these changes and halfway through the season there's only one different player in the starting lineup. Which might explain why there's no Diff in the Cavs record. That, and the fact that God's still around.

Nothing to see here -- yet

Break out the old radio, Indians baseball is back! That's what 70,000 Cleveland-area households will be doing come April if this Plain Dealer report by Roger Brown comes true. Seems Cox Cable and the Indians are squabbling like Mark McGwire and a Congressional hearing over putting the new Indians channel onto the cable system.

"They're asking us to pay 200 percent more than we did when their games were on FSN Ohio, and that's for 20 [fewer] telecasts," (Cox Cable general manager
Kevin) Haynes said of the Indians. "It's totally unacceptable and outrageous. We're trying to stand up and look out for our customers. So, at this point, no, we're not agreeing to carry (the Indians' network)."

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Let's see -- "Kevin Haynes" is actually an anagram of "Heaven in sky". And Cox Cable? Sounds an awful lot like GOD Cable, doesn't it??

With pitchers and catchers reporting to training camp for the Indians today, it seems like the perfect time for God to rub it in a little bit. "I'm not going to let you watch the Indians lose six out of seven to end the season this year," God seems to be saying. Or, "I've got 36 one-run losses coming that you won't see!" Most likely, God's going to remove the blindfold just in time to watch Jim Thome hit a massive home run on Opening Day -- for the White Sox against the Indians.

East Coast bias

Somewhere tonight in Boston, while the Cavs are playing the Celtics, there will be a Boston fan whining about something. Actually, there's probably a Boston fan whining about something right now. And right now. And right now. And right now.

You see, Boston fans like nothing more than being miserable. From 1918 until 2004, when the Red Sox FINALLY won another World Series, you would have thought every cake ever baked in Boston deflated the second it came out of the oven, every child skinned his knee during recess, and every television station broadcast nothing but Yankee games. They claimed to be cursed by the Bambino. But Cleveland's the city whose sports God hates.

Here's all the years Boston celebrated a sports championship since 1918: 1929, 1939, 1941, 1957, 1959, 1960, 1961, 1962, 1963, 1964, 1965, 1966, 1968, 1969, 1970, 1972, 1974, 1976, 1981, 1984, 2002, 2004, 2005. Oh, and they've had 20 other runners-up in that time.

Here's all the years Cleveland HASN'T celebrated a sports championship since 1964: 1965, 1966, 1967, 1968, 1969, 1970, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1974, 1975, 1976, 1977, 1978, 1979, 1980, 1981, 1982, 1983, 1984, 1985, 1986, 1987, 1988, 1989, 1990, 1991, 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005.

But you'd think Boston invented whining. Sure, they've had some tough losses -- Bill Buckner and Bucky Dent come to mind. But at least they've BEEN to the championships in hockey, baseball, and basketball over and over again. In fact, they've been there 44 times since 1918. The Celtics, Bruins, Patriots, and Red Sox have ALL won championships in the last 30 years. They even have Boston College putting together a good season here and there. We've got Cleveland State, best known for a coach caught coming out of a crackhouse.

So tonight, when you hear a Boston fan lamenting his poor team, try not to smash a glass over his head. It will be hard, since you can't even pray to God that the Boston fan shuts up. But take solace in one thing: God hates Cleveland sports a lot more than he hates Boston.

Joining the

Bitterman's Club

It's just two days until Indians pitchers and catchers report to spring training, and General Manager Mark Shapiro is still not over missing the playoffs last season, or so he said on ESPN radio yesterday. And who can blame him? WE'RE still not over it either. We're also still not over Art Modell Firing Paul Brown (42 years ago), The Drive (20 years ago), The Fumble (19 years ago), The Shot (17 years ago), and generally just living in Cleveland.

So it's no big deal that just a few months after The Collapse that Shapiro and the rest of us aren't over the end result of the 2005 baseball season. The reasons for his malaise are rather amusing, however. You see, it's not that the Tribe lost six of their last seven games when just two more wins would have earned them at least a one-game playoff with the Red Sox. No, here's why Shapiro says "It's still bitter" in reference to last season's finish:

"What's hard for me to get over is being a market of our size, winning 93 games, and not getting in. You're talking about the only time in 10 years that wasn't enough wins to get into the playoffs."

Thing is, Shapiro says this with a bit of wryness in his voice, like he just ... can't ... understand it. As if he doesn't realize that God is pulling the strings. No 1,000-yard rushers for 20 years? Thanks, God. One Pro Bowler in seven years? Thanks, God. No championships in 41 years? Thanks, God. One time in 10 years a 93-win team doesn't make the playoffs? Thanks, God!

Welcome to Cleveland, Mark. You've been in the Indians organization since 1992 and the GM since 2001, but you have just now become an official Clevelander. God has made you feel our pain. Just plan on amending your statement in 2016 to say, "You're talking about the only time in 20 years" that 93 wins wasn't enough to make the playoffs.

We aren't

the champions

When the San Antonio Spurs visit The Q tonight, the Cavs will find out just how close they are to being NBA champions. To quote God, it's "not very."

These two last matched up in the second game of the season, with the Spurs winning 102-76. And that was when Larry Hughes actually played. Before that, the Spurs won by two in Cleveland last February -- hey, the Cavs covered the spread -- by 19 in December of '04 and by 18 in March of '04.

Going back to an 89-87 Cavs win in February of '04, the Cavs are 1-4 against the Spurs in the Lebron era. Since the 1999-'00 season, the Spurs have won 10 of 13 against the Cavs with the average margin of victory 16.3 points. Oh, and the Spurs have won three NBA titles during that time while the Cavs have played zero playoff games.

However bad it gets at The Q tonight, do not do what Nathan Mallett did the last time a championship team came to town. Remember the end of that 41-0 Steelers victory in December? After his 20th beer of the day, Mallett ran on the field and was promptly body-slammed by Steeler linebacker James Harrison. Then he was hauled off to jail. So lay off the beer and stay off the court, or God might just strike you down himself tonight.

And then he'll let the Spurs win by 41.

Pro Bowl blues

Let Jamir Miller's story be a cautionary tale for those of you clamoring for another Brown to finally make the Pro Bowl. Tonight, the NFL will once again play its Pro Bowl without a Cleveland Brown in attendance. And once again we should be on our knees thanking God for this.

You see, the last time -- in fact, the ONLY time, -- a Brown made a Pro Bowl since their return from the dead was at the end of of the 2001 season. Miller recorded 13 sacks and 81 tackles that year. He also knocked away 12 passes, showing ability up and down the field. Miller was the face of Butch Davis' up-and-coming defense, and a reason to believe there was a reason for the Browns to rejoin the NFL.

So God smote him down.

Yes, Jamir Miller never played another regular-season game in the NFL. In the first quarter of the Browns first exhibition game the following season, Miller tore an Achilles. Thanks to God's wrath, Miller wasn't even able to walk away from the game he excelled at. Despite attempts at rehab, he never recovered enough to take the field again. God chortled when he allowed the Browns to make the playoffs that season, only to lose due to a defensive collapse against arch-rival Pittsburgh. "If only Jamir Miller weren't injured," we all said.

No, no, no, no, no. If only Jamir Miller hadn't made the Pro Bowl! Then God might not have felt the need to punish us for our pride. And since we didn't learn our lesson the first time around, we haven't even been allowed the opportunity to be prideful since. Miller remains the only Browns Pro Bowler since Browns 2.0 started in 1999. And God remains happy.

Giving us the finger

This is how it was supposed to look for quite awhile, Lebron James leading the charge with Larry Hughes as his right-hand man. A new Batman and Robin, a modern day Green Hornet and Kato, or even a new millenium Jordan and Pippen, if you dare. Then 28 games in, Hughes went under the knife because of a finger injury.

Now word comes down via today's Plain Dealer that, "The Cavs are seeking answers to why the finger is not healing as anticipated." Wow, what a mystery. Where's Detective Robert Goren when you need him? Let me explain "why the finger is not healing as anticipated." IT'S BECAUSE HUGHES PLAYS IN FREAKING CLEVELAND!!

The real question is why an article with phrases such as, "when or if Hughes will return this season" and, "options could range from Hughes returning in eight weeks after his surgery on Jan. 6 - early March - or miss the entire regular season, or miss the rest of the season, or have another surgery" and, "'The healing process is not where I wanted it to be,' said Hughes," wasn't written the day Hughes went under the knife. Because everyone knew that a lost season was the only possible outcome to this news.

Really, this article should have been written last summer when the Cavs signed Hughes. Here's what the headline should have been:

Cavs sign free agent Hughes

Plan is for former Wizard to hurt himself, derail season

Seriously, did you need to be God to see this coming? Omniscience is not a requirement to predict the future for Cleveland sports. Pessimism and a broken spirit are all you need. We're a Magic 8-Ball with all the good fortunes removed. "Ask again later" is about as optimistic an answer as we can ever expect.

Diop no longer a flop

I have met the NBA MVP, and he is one of us. Or he was one of us. Remember that guy over there wearing No. 7 for the Dallas Mavericks? That's DeSagana Diop, the Cavs first pick in the 2001 draft, chosen eighth overall. You might not remember too much about him, considering that he started five games in four years with the Cavs and just barely cracked the 300-point mark in his time here.

But halfway through this season, the Dallas Mavericks decided Diop was the missing piece in their quest for an NBA title. So about a month ago they put him into the starting lineup. The result -- a 13-game winning streak that ended last night in Denver.

So let's get this straight. Diop starts four games in five years in Cleveland and looks like a bigger bust than Buzz Bunny. In Dallas, Diop starts 14 games in a month's time and his team goes 13-1 and takes over the best record in the Western Conference. This can mean only one thing: That God vacations in Dallas and likes to watch good basketball while he's there. Oh, and he doesn't mind sticking it to Cleveland while doing so.

Hearing the Boozer

So this headline from ESPN.com says, "Boozer expects to play Friday against Minnesota", but it REALLY should say, "God expects Boozer to post quadruple double in return". Even though he'll probably play less minutes than your average man lasts in bed (not me, of course), I'm certain that Boozer will end up with something like 26 points, 14 rebounds, 11 assists, and 14 blocks.

Even though Boozer has seen as much action the last year as the blind owner he stabbed in the back, this is likely, because God, like Boozer, hates Cleveland sports. And we hate him. But like Lot's wife learned, God gets the last laugh. So don't be surprised when Boozer sprouts an Amish beard, turns into the next Bill Walton, and makes the Hall of Fame while we are turned into a pillar of salt just for looking at him.

Putting the ill in Sports Illustrated

I'm sick and tired of finding offensive materials in my mailbox. Three times in the past five weeks, Sports Illustrated has sent these disgusting magazines to me, complete with some Pittsburgh Steeler doing something good in the playoffs. There's Jerome Bettis getting ready to spike the ball like it's a doughnut and the end zone is his extra-large coffee. Then there's Bettis again, carrying the ball like it's a giant loaf of bread and he's running toward a 20-pound ham. And there's Hines Ward, prancing around like a little girl.

Every SI swimsuit issue combined hasn't caused as many cancellations as this collection of covers will generate from Northeast Ohio. But SI need not worry, Heaven will still be receiving its subscription. Sports Illustrated is now God's favorite magazine, next to Guideposts.

Like Father, like Son

If you don't believe that God hates Cleveland sports, then who do you think is responsible for this??? Be sure to view that page only on an empty stomach, because whatever you've got stored down there will come right back up once you see this. Such a web site could only be created by someone who hates Cleveland sports (God -- check), someone with too much time on His hands (God again -- check), and someone whose son is JESUS! (That's God -- check.)

If that's not enough for you, look at what God told this Steeler to do to one of our fans, and what God gave as an answer to Mitch's prayer. And that thunder you hear overhead? That's God laughing at Cleveland.

A win that doesn't matter

God hates Cleveland sports so much He didn't even bother to screw the Cavs last night. Ordinarily, this would have been a picture of former Cav Ricky Davis knocking Lebron James to the floor, splitting King James' head open and rendering him useless for the rest of the season.

As it is, though Ricky scored 33 points and hit a 3-pointer in the waning seconds to make it a two-point game, Lebron's near triple-double (35 points, 11 rebounds, 8 assists) led the Cavs to a 97-91 victory. God was busy elsewhere, ensuring that Indiana won by 32 points, Milwaukee won in double overtime, Chicago won in Denver, and Detroit won again -- like the Pistons need His help.

So while the Cavs win a nice road game against a tough Western Conference opponent, God ensured it didn't really matter since everyone else in our division won. Of course, we know the real truth. The whole season doesn't matter, because we're gonna get it in the end, just like always.

Our national nightmare

No, the News-Herald is not the official newspaper of God Hates Cleveland Sports, but perhaps God Hates Cleveland Sports is the official blog of the News-Herald. This is their sports front page for Monday, the day after God laughed at Cleveland once again by allowing the Steelers to win the Super Bowl. This despite the fact that their publisher is from Pennsylvania. He's either an Eagles fan and doesn't like the Steelers either, or is getting the last laugh by waving his own Terrible Towel around the office, because no one was fired. Of course, he knows that God hates Cleveland so Bill Cowher might be mocking Cleveland fans from the front of his paper's sports sections for years to come.

But really now, isn't THIS our worst nightmare anyway:

Use the forced shot, Luke!

Luke Jackson went out and hurt himself against Philly Saturday night, but nobody cares. He'll miss about two months, but won't be missed. That's because Luke has scored but 120 points in his NBA career, or about what Lebron gets in a good week.

Of course, Jackson is just the latest failure in the long, fruitless search for a Steve Kerr-like 3-point shooter, a search that has gone on since, oh, Steve Kerr was here 13 years ago. Someone will probably find the Holy Grail before the Cavs find a 3-point shooter. Like cigarette smoke in a bar, there's some kind of Cleveland stink that attaches itself to every Tonto wh's come to town to support Lebron's Lone Ranger:

2004-05: Lucious Harris .323 3-point percentage/.348 career
2004-05: Jiri Welsch .182 3-point percentage/.350 career
2005-06: Donyell Marshall .312 3-point percentage/.349 career
2005-06: Damon Jones .355 3-point percentage/.384 career

As a team, the Cavs have made 33.4 percent of their 3-point shots this year. That ranks 25th out of 30 teams. Their opponents are hitting 36.4 percent of theirs, which ranks 11th in the league.

Obviously, God prefers post play. At least in Cleveland.

How God will punish us tonight

Lebron James: Man in Tights, 7 p.m., FOX Ohio -- or is it Lebron James, man no longer in tights? The Cavs won seven in a row when Lebron started wearing his tights to support his ouchy knee. They finally lost, Lebron took off the tights, and they lost again. So which is it, tights or not? As we all know, thou shalt not worship false idols, so maybe Someone is angry about Lebron's support hose getting more credit than his God-given gifts. The Bucks stop here tonight.

Super suck

First Art Modell. Then Bill Belichick. Now Bill Cowher. Disgusted yet, Browns fans? Our arch-enemies have defeated us once again. The club that Plain Dealer reporter John Petkovic calls the al-Qaida of sports teams has claimed its fifth Super Bowl title before the Browns have even played in one.

And not only did the Steelers win it all, but they did it with Ohio boy Ben Roethlisberger under center. Roethlisberger is from Findlay, which was Browns territory until his scraggly beard turned them to the dark side. He played ball at Miami University -- you know, the one in the MAC. Then the Browns and several other teams passed on him, until the Steelers took him and then NEVER LOST ANOTHER GAME! Or at least won most of them. Roethlisberger is now 23-3 as a starting QB in his career. The Browns have won just 36 games since rising from the dead in 1999.

Let's see, if Benny is 4 years old and his sister is three years older, at what age will Benny be when he is half as old as his sister? Carry the one, divide by something, and it looks like Big Ben will catch the new Browns in wins by 2007. God will most certainly still hate Cleveland then.