Risky offseason trade
now burnt to a crisp

This is just getting out of hand. Now David Riske is following Coco Crisp to the disabled list.

Not only are the Indians in first place for the first time since 2002, not only are the Cavs as the hottest team in the NBA and heading to playoffs for the first time since The X-Files was the hottest show on TV, not only is Vince Young visiting the Browns just in case he slides to 12th in the draft, but now we're looking like like the best traders since Peter Minuit gave up just $24 to get Manhattan Island.

Watch out, before long someone's going to tell you Jason Michaels is hitting over .300 and Guillermo Mota hasn't given up a run.

As long as it's not God whispering any of that in your ear, you might be OK. But right now, either the Big Guy's on vacation, or He actually is Buddha, and it's just taken 40 years for karma to make come north.

Cleveland MVPs

are DOA

The Lebron James-for-MVP talk is now hotter than Paris Hilton in a car wash, and just in time for the Cavs' clash with the Detroit Pistons tonight. Front and center on ESPN at 8 p.m., Lebron states his candidacy for MVP.

He certainly brings plenty of credentials. The Sporting News says Lebron's stats are comparable to Jordan in his prime. The Asbury Park Press ays Lebron's on pace to become the fourth player to average 31 ppg, 7 rpg, and 6 apg. The Akron Beacon Journal's Brian Windhorst says the Cavs late-season surge makes him a serious MVP contender.

But here's what God says -- Lebron plays for a Cleveland team. And that trumps all.

In the last 40 years, only Brian Sipe (1980 NFL MVP), Gaylord Perry (1972 AL Cy Young) and The Old Man (Christmas Story) have won major awards in Cleveland. Sipe capped his MVP season with a playoff interception that became known as Red Right 88. The Old Man's wife "accidentally" broke his leg lamp after he put it in the front window. And Perry, well, he's notorious for cheating his way to 314 wins and the Hall of Fame with his spitter.

Major awards and this city don't exactly fit together like Hall & Oates, Lennon and McCarthy, or, say, Cleveland and sports championships. Even Sipe's award was a fluke; 1980 was the only outstanding year of his career. He's more well-known for throwing the interception to Oakland's Mike Davis than for leading the Browns to that spot in the playoffs.

So perhaps tonight we shouldn't be rooting for Lebron to punk Chauncey Billups and serve notice to the Pistons that the King is claiming his throne. If he does, he likely will go the way of Segway, the Rockers, and Super Joe Charboneau. Remember any of them? Exactly!

Hargrove + Sexson - Cleveland = losing???

Cleveland welcomes former Tribe manager Mike Hargrove back to town tonight when the Mariners visit for a three-game series -- but watch out, Mike! This is BIZARRO Cleveland now!

And poor Mike Hargrove is the perfect manager to return to Bizarro Cleveland. He's been living a Bizarro Cleveland life since leaving the Tribe after the 1999 season. After building up a 1,312-721 record here and rising to second on the all-time wins list as an Indians' skipper, Hargrove has mucked around a couple of baseball backwaters and now sees his career record just eight games above .500. Yep, like a gambler who can't stop when he's ahead, Mike Hargrove has just kept plugging along, first with a bad Baltimore team and now with an equally bad Seattle team. Hargrove's teams have won 74, 63, 67, 71, and 69 games in his last five seasons. He managed Baltimore from 2000-03 and started with Seattle last year. That's a 344-465 record since leaving town. And believe it or not, the Indians own record is 416-394 in those five years.

Apparently, Mike Hargrove is the Bizarro Bill Belichick, who was ripped apart like a paper airplane in a tornado during his time here, only to go to the New England Patriots and become Hall of Fame Coach Bill Belichick by winning three Super Bowls. Or the Bizarro Paul Brown, who was fired by Art Modell in 1963 and then went to Cincinnati, founded the Bengals, and went to two Super Bowls while the cursed Browns went to none.

Really, who puts together a better managerial record IN Cleveland than OUT of Cleveland? Charlie Manuel -- .535 winning percentage with the Indians, .543 in Philly heading into this season. John McNamara -- .427 here, .491 in more than 2,000 games everywhere else. Pat Corrales -- .441 here, winning record everywhere else.

In fact, going back 50 years, Frank Robinson and Dave Garcia are the only other two Cleveland managers who posted better records with the Indians than they did with other teams. And their combined Cleveland record is exactly .500.

Then there's Richie Sexson, the Bizarro Player of the series. Sexson was traded to Milwaukee midway through the 2000 season, following Hargrove out the door. His teams have enjoyed even less success than Hargrove's since. NOT ONCE since Richie Sexson left Cleveland has his team won even 70 games. NOT ONCE!!

So this is the perfect time for Hargrove and Sexson to return. Up is down, left is right, and east is west on the Cleveland sports scene right now. And two prominent Cleveland sports figures who miraculously had more success in a town whose sports God hates than in towns whose sports He doesn't have returned. In these upside-down times, you can expect Hargrove to leave town that much closer to a career managerial losing record, and Richie Sexson that much farther away from 70 wins.

Welcome to Bizarro Cleveland

Welcome to Bizarro Cleveland, where the Indians are in first, the Cavs are the hottest team in the NBA, and the Browns are considered by many the most improved team in the NFL.

And April Fool's Day is long gone. Perhaps Best Week Ever will be devoting its next episode to Cleveland sports.

Opposite Week continues today with word that ex-Indians outfielder Coco Crisp -- he of the much debated trade to the Boston Red Sox this winter -- will be out up to two months with a broken finger. Of course, Coco was supposed to be out for about two months with a torn ligament in his thumb at one point last season; he missed just two weeks. So if Coco does miss an extended period, and our own C.C. Sabathia returns much sooner than the original three- to five-week diagnosis, has Bizarro Cleveland become real Cleveland?

Already Bob Wickman has more saves than B.J. Ryan and Trevor Hoffman combined, two closers with whom the Indians played footsie in the offseason. Nomar Garciaparra, who the Indians coveted, pulled a Juan Gonzalez and went on the disabled list before the season even started. The supposedly improved World Series champion White Sox just finished losing two of three to the lowly Kansas City Royals. Meanwhile, Lebron James-for-MVP talk is heating up and Penthouse has picked the Indians to beat the Cardinals in the World Series. Soon people will be planning their summer vacations around the chance that the Cavs will be playing in the NBA Finals. And to top it off, it's 65 degrees and sunny today.

Whatever alternate reality we've spun off into, it's not too bad. But be certain that even in a parallel Bizarro Cleveland, God is still pushing the buttons. Or perhaps it's just Bizarro God, bored with the same old same old. If someone shows up to offer you a choice between a red pill or a blue pill, you'll know the jig is up. Until then, enjoy the ride.

It's a trap!

We're being set up.

After winning a series from the White Sox to start the season, the Indians debuted on top of the ESPN.com baseball power rankings. Then, Yahoo.com's baseball writer Jeff Passan wrote a featured article, which all but says our wait is over for another World Series title. Apparently expectations run so low in this town that whenever anything good happens, such as beating the defending champions, we get extra credit for it. After all, the first power ranking aren't based so much on the Indians winning, but on the White Sox losing: "We have to start with someone at No. 1, and for now it might as well be the Indians," writes ESPN.com.

Thanks for your charity, guys. This makes up for everything that's happened to us the last 40-plus years while standing in line for our championship trophy. The bad taste in our mouths from the collapse the last week of last season? Washed away! Memories of the Cavs choking away a playoff spot last year? Who cares, we beat the White Sox and are No. 1 in ESPN.com's power rankings! Art Modell sucker-punched us and stole our football team away? Seven years of mediocrity since their return? Gone in the blink of a web site refresh!

Funnier even than our top ranking, which follows the preseason chants of everyone with a microphone hailing the White Sox as repeat World Series winners, are the player comments beside the second- and third-ranked teams. For the White Sox, "the old Jim Thome is back." And for the Oakland A's, "Milton Bradley is letting his game do the talking (.308, .400 OBP) and fitting right in this loose clubhouse.

Let's see -- Jim Thome, who missed two-thirds of last season with various injuries, is back after just three games. And Milton Bradley, who has been run out of the Expos, Indians, and Dodgers systems for throwing bigger fits than Rep. Cynthia McKinney, is now an angel in the outfield for the A's.

Meanwhile, the OTHER World Series team from last year is ranked 14th. At least ESPN.com didn't jump on the undefeated Detroit Tigers bandwagon. They are just 18th.

There's no byline on the power rankings, but there's no question who wrote them -- God. The top ranking, combined with a series victory over the White Sox and an impressive home-opening win against the Twins proves it. Call it the Gospel according to Cleveland, where in the beginning there is blue skies, hope, and optimism, but at the end the curtain closes on yet another tragedy.

Optimism, rains

Like your mother used to tell you, that rain is God's tears. But today they aren't his tears of sadness. No, God is quite happy today, and his happiness is about to drown out the Indians home opener.

Why would God be crying from tears of joy after the Cavs recent nine-game winning streak and the Indians started the season winning two out of three from the World Series champions? Well, that's exactly why -- because optimism reigns in Cleveland right now. And when optimism reigns, God's tears of laughter turn into actual rain.

What better way to remind us that we live in Cleveland than to send the rain pouring down on the day of our home opener? As they say, it's Cleveland's national holiday. We've got Mike & Mike's ESPN Radio morning show broadcasting live from Pickwick & Frolic downtown today. We've FINALLY got a one-run win against the White Sox under our belts. And now we've got a giant rain cloud over the city.

Weather forecasts say the rain, rain will go away just in time for the Tribe to play. By then, our soggy fans will just be happy to see some baseball. And when the Tribe's new acquisition Paul Byrd takes the loss, making God laugh some more, the rain will fall again and everyone will go home doubly soaked.

A perfect Cleveland sports day

In front of every silver lining there's a dark cloud, which is why yesterday was a perfect sports day in Cleveland.

The Indians rebounded to wipe out the White Sox, 8-2, despite another Jim Thome home run. Jake Westbrook dominated into the seventh for the Indians, and Aaron Boone collected nearly half as many hits yesterday as he did all of last April. Then the Cavs, sparked by Larry Hughes' first game this calendar year, destroyed the Philadelphia 76ers, 124-91. Hughes scored 10 points, Lebron James 37 for his seventh straight game of 35 or more, and Anderson Varejao posted a double-double.

But the enduring image from yesterday is of Zydrunas Ilgauskas lying face-down on the court, sitting up, and limping to the sidelines. Z has been one of the NBA's most durable players the last five years, missing less than 30 games. In Cleveland, though, fans are like a beaten puppy, never trusting anything again because of memories of the early days. Z spent most of his first three years in the league walking around in a cast, and we're just waiting for those days to return.

Right now would be the perfect time. Z is doubtful for tonight's game against the Knicks, which makes Clevelanders doubtful that the current nine-game winning streak will result in anything more than a couple Player of the Week awards for Lebron. That the Cavs have the NBA's seventh-best record and play the NBA's worst team tonight means nothing. Cleveland fans are the people who actually believe that Jack Bauer *might* just be dead after the latest cliffhanger.

No, those dark clouds aren't just the typical Cleveland spring weather. They're the typical Cleveland sports weather, forecast perpetually gloomy, with a 35% chance of optimism. And a 100% chance of being hated by God.

CC ya later

It's next season, and we're still the White Sox's bitch.

We had to sit there Sunday night like outcasts at the high schol dance watching the quarterback dance with the girl we have a crush on as the White Sox received their World Series rings. Then we watched C.C. Sabathia walk off the mound and onto the disabled list. And THEN we had to sit through a three-hour rain delay, just to watch Jim Thome drop a predictable homer into Lake Michigan on the one pitch our supposed closer of the future put over the plate.

And people were worried the Indians wouldn't have their new channel ready in time for the regular season? We should have been begging them NOT to put this on our televisions.

The only thing surprising about the Indians' season opener is that Jim Thome didn't homer until his third at-bat.

Sunday night's script wasn't one of those they wouldn't be able to sell in Hollywood. It was as believable as the sun rising in the east and setting in the west. In fact, it was written last Thanksgiving, when the White Sox traded for Thome. Two people knew it at the time:

“I predict Jim Thome is going to have a Jim Thome year next season,” (Phillies manager Charlie) Manuel said. “He’s in top-notch shape and is still as good a hitter as he ever was.”

“I’m disappointed to see him in our division,” (Indians) GM Mark Shapiro said. “The White Sox gave up a lot. They took a risk, but it’s a trade that could have a very high ceiling.”

And we've even seen this acted out before. After the Indians traded Bartolo Colon to the Expos halfway through the 2002 season, they turned around and flipped him to the White Sox in January 2003. In 2003, Colon went 2-1 against the Indians, including a victory in the Tribe's home opener. He's gone on to win 53 games and a Cy Young since.

Then there's Sabathia, who apparently strained the only muscle in his body for the second year in a row. He went on the disabled list Tuesday morning. "I don't know what caused it," said Sabathia.

Here's what caused it, C.C. -- YOU ARE FAT! That, coupled with God's distate for Cleveland sports, has you at the top of the list for injuries every year.

But really, it's probably a good thing that Sabathia left the game early. If he stayed in, Jim Thome most likely would have lined a shot off Sabathia's head that ended up bouncing over the fence for a home run, leaving our "ace" lying on the mound with a broken skull.

Only 17 more games against the White Sox!

Thank you, sir,

may I have another?

Last night the Cavaliers clinched their first playoff berth in eight years, and the first for any Cleveland team in more than three. It can mean only one thing.

We are about to get screwed again.

If you think there's no crying in baseball, you haven't watched a playoff series in Cleveland. In Cleveland, when it comes to the playoffs, there's crying in baseball, there's crying in football, and there's crying in basketball. There's so much crying in Cleveland, Adam Morrison is thinking of moving here.

Consider our recent playoff experiences (with "recent" a relative term):

* The Browns last two playoff losses were to the Steelers, in 2003 and 1994.
* The Cavs are 5-18 in their last six playoff series, from the 1992-93 season through the 1997-98 season.
* The Indians have choked away a World Series (1997), lost a best-of-five series which they led 2-0 (to Boston, in 1999), and lost another best-of-five series which they led 2-1 (to Seattle, in 2001).

And our teams don't just lose in the playoffs. They tease us. The Browns held a 17-point lead in the third quarter in that 2003 playoff game only to allow Tommy Maddox to bring the Steelers all the way back with 22 fourth-quarter points in a 36-33 victory. And the Indians took that 2-0 series lead against Boston in 1999, then gave up 44 runs in the last three games. in 2001 they reversed it, winning two out of the first three against the Mariners before packing up the bats and scoring just three runs in the final two games. The Cavs just teased us by choking away a sure playoff spot a year ago. At least usually once they make the playoffs, they've had the decency to simply get blown out rather than offer us false hope. Well, except for The Shot.

You sure you want the playoffs? You can't handle the playoffs! Our teams take us to the brink of ecstasy only to open the trapdoor beneath our feet at the last second. Our teams are Lucy holding the football, and we're Charlie Brown kicking at air every time another playoff series comes around.

The ride begins again at the end of the month. Prepare yourselves, cause God's driving.

Dance girls

gone wild

42 years and counting since our last championship, and now even our cheerleaders can't get it done. In the NBA Dance Team Bracket run by NBA.com, the Cavalier Girls didn't even make it out of the first round. Apparently our women aren't even hot enough! That they lost to the Magic Dancers from Orlando might be easy to take -- after all, aren't women from Florida SUPERhot? -- if only the Magic Dancers hadn't to the FREAKING NEW JERSEY NET DANCERS in Round 2.

Sorry, but nothing from New Jersey is remotely attractive. It's a good state for musicians, what with Bruce Springsteen and Bon Jovi and the Fountains of Wayne, but hot chicks? They call it the Garden State for a reason, and that's to trick everyone into thinking it's a decent place to live. There wasn't even a real reason to name New Jersey the Garden State, as Governor Robert Meynor pointed out when he vetoed the idea. He was overruled, New Jersey became the Garden State, and now their "hot" chicks are winning NBA Dance Team Bracket contests.

Losing to Florida girls, acceptable. But when the Florida girls then go on to lose an attractiveness contest to girls from New Jersey, you know there's some higher power at work.

You sure you want

to be "That Guy" in Cleveland?

So Cleveland native and NFL Pro Bowler LeCharles Bentley wants to be "That Guy", which is very dangerous now that he has signed a free-agent contract with the Browns. As various Cleveland "That Guys" have learned over the years, being "That Guy" in Cleveland is kinda like being "Extra Counselor" in a Friday the 13th movie. You really don't want that title, because doom awaits.

But Bentley welcomes the challenge:

"This is my ultimate dream. Every day, I wished this could've happened. This is where my roots are and where I want to blossom… This is absolutely a dream come
true. This is it for me right here. Now I can die happy... I grew up watching Bernie Kosar and Webster Slaughter. I idolized those guys. I want to be that guy. I feel right now I'm going to be that guy."

Be careful, LeCharles. In Cleveland, "That Guy" ends up throwing an interception into the end zone in the playoffs with the team in field-goal range. In Cleveland, "That Guy" fumbles the ball on the 1-yard line with seconds to go when trying to tie the game. In Cleveland, "That Guy" gives up a game-tying sacrifice fly to friggin' Craig Counsell in the ninth inning of Game 7 of the World Series. In Cleveland, "That Guy" goes flying over the handlebars of his motorcycle. Even Lebron James, the "That Guy" of "That Guys" can't do much more than make the Cavs a decent team without help.

You'd think that a guy who went to a Catholic high school would know that bad things happen to good "That Guys" in Cleveland. Still, LeCharles Bentley is here, along with two other Cleveland natives who you'd think would know better, Joe Jurevicius and Dave Zastudil. Along with free agents Ted Washington and Kevin Shaffer, and with the possible signing of Willie McGinist and others on the horizon, Browns fans haven't been this excited since the team covered the point spread five straight times in 2002.

Someone who doesn't want to be "That Guy", Antonio Bryant, was so afraid of what happens to "That Guy" in Cleveland that he signed with the 49ers in order to catch passes from a guy who has thrown one TD pass and 11 interceptions in his career.

So the Browns landed Jurevicius to help replace Bryant, though they're really counting on previous "That Guys" Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow to make up for Bryant's team-leading 69 catches. Of course, being recent "That Guys" bought Edwards a ripped-up knee and Winslow the flight over his motorcycle's handlebars.

As if LeCharles didn't have enough problems in New Orleans what with Hurricane Katrina and all. If he thought that was tough to deal with, wait til he tries to become "That Guy" in Cleveland.

An unlikely hero

God works in mysterious ways, and none more mysterious than last night, when He allowed Damon Jones, the self-proclaimed "world's greatest shooter" to self-proclaim it with more than his mouth. Jones' nailed a game-winning 3-pointer as time expired in the Cavs' 98-97 victory over the Toronto Raptors. This on the same day that Jones says he was falsely accused in a sexual assault case. This on the same day that the Cleveland Scene's front-cover article said Jones won't shut up no matter how much the fans boo.

If his name were Earl instead of Damon, the 3-pointer would have rattled in and out and probably come back down to smack him on the head, knocking him out. But life's no TV show, not even a reality TV show, so this time karma didn't take Damon out. Instead, the Cavs extended their winning streak to four games, putting thoughts of another Cleveland Collapse© to rest. For the Cavs to miss the playoffs now, what with an 8½-game lead over the ninth-place Bulls, would take something the word "collapse" couldn't even describe.

So it looks as if the Cavs are going to make it to the playoffs for the first time in nine years, and Cleveland will see its first playoff team since Kelly Holcomb earned himself a barbecue-sauce endorsement in 2003. Be prepared to get on your knees and pray.

A win that feels like a loss

You know that comet that didn't destroy the planet last night? The one that hurtled through space and was on collision course with 11.6 seconds left in the Cavs-Bulls game last night? Of course you don't! And you can thank God for that.

Anyone who turned the game off in the second quarter with the Cavs up 25 obviously doesn't live in Cleveland. Or doesn't believe in God. Anyone who lives in Cleveland or believes in God knows that a 25-point lead for a team that God hates is as safe as walking in the middle of I-77 at rush hour. And sure enough, there were the Bulls with a two-point lead in the waning seconds. For a moment it looked as if our only solace would be the Indians victory to open spring training.

But then the comet came flying through space. With Bruce Willis and his ragtag bunch of oil drillers nowhere to be found, God's attention was diverted. It took Him only 11.6 seconds to save Earth, but that was just enough time for Kirk Hinrich to miss a free throw, Lebron James to find Flip Murray behind the arc, and Flip to hit just his 18th 3-pointer of the season. Andrew Nociani then turned into a statue after the Bulls inbounded and the Cavs won, 92-91.

Unfortunately, there are only so many comets to go around.

Taking one

for the team

C.C. Sabathia has just made every other American baseball player happy by pulling out of the World Baseball Classic, which begins tonight. Originally scheduled to be in the rotation for the United States, Sabathia says, "I'm not ready to pitch in meaningful games this early in the year."

C.C. and Mets closer Billy Wagner were the latest to drop out, meaning old Al Leiter and Gary "Huh?" Majewski have been added to the team. Which should make everyone except the rest of the world happy, as neither of them are Cleveland Indians, meaning God doesn't hate them. Remember the last time a Cleveland player joined a national team? That's right, Lebron and the Olympic team had their worst showing ever.

Which is bad news for Venezuela (Victor Martinez, Rafael Betancourt), Puerto Rico (Eduardo Perez), and Dominican Republic (Jhonny Peralta, Ronnie Belliard). None of these teams has a chance to win the WBC, especially with God now keeping his eye on one less team. By sitting this one out, Sabathia just made the good ole USA a huge favorite.

It's also good news for the Astros, who start exhibition play against the Indians today. We know what God will be doing today at about 1 p.m. EST.

All Detroit, all the time

See that thing? That's the Cleveland State University Viking mascot. You probably didn't recognize it because next to surfing, there's nothing more irrelevent to the Cleveland sports scene than CSU basketball. Not since Kevin Mackey walked out of a crackhouse 20 years ago has anything that happened at Cleveland State mattered.

But if anyone could ever be excused for beating a dead horse, it's God. Apparently it's Detroit week in Cleveland, because Detroit beat us Sunday, Detroit beat us Monday, and Detroit beat us again yesterday. The "us" on Tuesday was the irrelevent Vikings, who lost 92-58 to Detroit Mercy in the Horizon League tournament opener. No mercy there, that's for sure!

No surprise, either. Detroit has eliminated CSU from the conference tournament four times in the past eight seasons. Since the Vikings have endured five straight losing seasons, have won just 43 games in that time, and have lost 19 straight at Detroit, no one should have expected a different result yesterday.

And don't forget, where did the evil Pittsburgh Steelers win the Super Bowl this year??? That's right -- Ford Field in DETROIT!

And lest you think it's just the men's basketball team that endured God's wrath, well, the Viking women also lost in the Horizon tournament yesterday. It wasn't in Detroit or to Detroit, but God likes to throw a curveball every once in awhile.

Heard this

one before?

If God were a comedian, He'd be the guy with the flower that squirts water into your face every time you leaned over to smell it. Or the guy who would shock you with a buzzer every time you shook His hand. Then He'd double over in laughter as if it were the funniest joke He'd ever heard, fall over on His back, and just about pee His pants while you wiped the water off your face.

Then five minutes later, He'd try the same joke. And you'd fall for it. At least in Cleveland.

A huge losing streak for the Cavs after the All-Star break followed by a seat on the couch for the playoffs last year? Funny! Let's try that joke again this year. Make sure it includes a 12-point loss to the Pistons, the class of the conference. That was such a good joke, let's do it again the next day. Two 12-point losses to the Pistons are better than one! God's coughing from laughing so hard.

Rasheed Wallace's elbow to Zydrunas Ilgauskas's head Sunday wasn't even a new joke. Seventeen years ago today the Cavs were cruising along in first place with a 41-12 record when the Detroit Pistons came to town. These were the infamous Bad Boy Pistons of Dennis Rodman, Bill Laimbeer, Rick Mahorn, et. al. And there at halfcourt of good old Richfield Coliseum, Mahorn delivered an elbow to Mark Price's head with such force that it would make the guy from Memento wince.

The Cavs won the game, but four days later they lost the rematch. The Cavs, who went into the rematch with a 43-12 record, finished the season 14-13. The Pistons won the division, the Cavs played the Bulls in the playoffs, Michael Jordan became Michael Jordan when he made The Shot over Craig Ehlo, and God doubled over in laughter as if it were the funniest joke He'd ever heard, fell over on His back, and just about peed His pants while Cavs fans wiped the water off their faces and the tears out of their eyes.

Mahorn's elbow may have concussed more than Price, because not soon after GM Wayne Embry traded Ron Harper for, gulp, Danny Ferry. The Cavs won more than 50 games just once after that season. Seventeen years later, Danny Ferry is the GM while more Cavs are being elbowed in the head by Pistons. Let's hope Lebron James doesn't get traded because of this.

If he does, make sure you check God's hand for a buzzer before you shake His hand.

The Cleveland Collapse©

So now we're booing Lebron James, getting crushed by the Pistons on national TV, and staring at a four-game Cavs losing streak what with Detroit coming to town for a rematch tomorrow night.

Don't act surprised. It's the inevitable Cleveland Collapse©, brought to you by the Cavs last season and duplicated by the Indians at the end of the baseball season. The Browns would collapse, too, if they were good enough.

Indians GM Mark Shapiro said it best in Bill Livingston's column in today's Plain Dealer:

"We have an emotionally traumatized fan base. It's nothing that happened recently. It was when they went 40 years before winning. So now, they think:
'Oh, goodness! We're not going to win again for 40 years.'"

That's right, Mark, we're not! Not as long as God hates us, at least.

Flip response

No one's buying a Cadillac with spare change found under the couch cushions, which the Cavs learned last night. In his first game with the Cavs since coming over from Seattle for the nickels and dimes on the end of the Cavs' bench, Ronald "Flip" Murray scored an Eric Snow-like four points in 24 minutes, saw his team lose 102-94 to Washington, and heard the home fans boo Lebron James.

Anyone surprised? Welcome to Cleveland, Flip!

The Cavs have been spinning a hamster wheel in pursuit of a 3-point shooter ever since they blew up the team and ejected all their 3-point shooters before the 2002-03 season in a successful attempt to suck enough to draft Lebron. The Cavs were fifth in the league in 3-point shooting in 2001-02. But in a bit of divine retribution, the Cavs have been in the bottom four in 3-point shooting every season since. Which leads to the addition of Murray, who comes to the team for Mike Wilks, who played as often as Cleveland wins a championship. But he's a shooter who can't shoot (sub-30% from 3-point land during his career). And though he averaged 9.9 points per game this year for the Sonics, he scored less than that 14 out of his last 18 games.

It all must be some part of a master plan. Or perhaps a Master's plan.

Off the charts

Apparently hooking up with a Cleveland team does more damage to a reputation than hooking up with Kevin Federline. The stink of Cleveland sports has already attached itself to Indians third base prospect Andy Marte, even though he hasn't made it to town yet. Baseball America just released its annual Top 100 prospects list, and guess who has dropped out of the Top 10? That's right, our newest acquisition.

Last year, Marte ranked ninth in BA's poll. Then he was traded from the Braves to the Red Sox. Then he was traded from the Red Sox to the Indians. Then he moved down the charts quicker than PopoZao. Marte comes in at 14th this year.

And it's not just Marte. Adam Miller, ranked by BA as the Indians top prospect both last year and this year, dropped from 16th to 47th. Michael Aubrey went from 41st to off the list. We can only wonder what fate awaits Jeremy Sowers and Brad Snyder, who cracked the Top 100 this year.

Cleveland sports teams have become the equivilent of that smoky bar where you just want to get a beer. No matter how hard you try, you can't avoid smelling like a cigarette when you come out. God knows this, and Baseball America has figured it out, too.

Making our sports safe

The Cavs are visiting Philly tonight, and city officials there are trying to prevent violence by giving two tickets to an upcoming 76ers game to anyone who turns a working gun over to police. Cleveland should adopt such a program, but for a different reason. It might prevent suicide after fans watch another sports collapse.

Just think, last season Jacobs Field might have been more than half full for the Tampa Bay series at the end of the season if police gave away tickets for every gun turned in. After all, everyone knew what was waiting for the Tribe, especially after Grady Sizemore dropped that fly ball to end the game in Kansas City the day before. Who didn't feel like shooting themselves in the head after that? By giving away tickets for guns, not only would the Indians have packed the Jake, they would have made fans that much more comfortable with the inevitable collapse.

Really, a guns-for-tickets program would make following any Cleveland team a much safer experience. What, Carlos Boozer has stabbed us in the back and accepted a contract with the Jazz?? Kellen Winslow flipped over the handlebars of his motorcycle?? Braylon Edwards tore how many knee ligaments??? Larry Hughes is out for how long???? Blam, blam, blam and BLAM!

To play it safe, police should give away tickets to fans who turn in anything that could be used in a suicide attempt. Going to a Cavs game? Free tickets for any length of rope! Want to watch the Browns this Sunday? You'd feel much safer if you dropped all your bottles of pills off at the police station. Got an Indians jones? Better turn over your garden hose. Maybe the police can make sure your garage-door opener has fresh batteries as well.

Not only would this program make rooting for Cleveland teams that much safer, it would lead toward eternal salvation as well. After all, for as much as God hates Cleveland sports, he hates suicide that much more.

Cleanup in
aisle three

• White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle went 2-0 with three no decisions in five starts against the Indians last year. Sounds like the perfect choice for God, errrrrrrrr, White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen as this year's Opening Day starter. Now Tribe manager Eric Wedge has announced that C.C. Sabathia will oppose Buehrle in the ESPN opener at 8 p.m. EST on April 3. Sabathia went 0-1 with a 4.63 ERA against the White Sox last year, and the Indians have lost both of his previous Opening Day starts. It's a match made in heaven!

• Albert Belle, still mean. Seems that the cantankerous former Tribe slugger has been accused of stalking his ex-girlfriend by putting a GPS device in his car. How lazy! Belle couldn't even be bothered to follow her around himself; he made a computer do it. Ironically, a judge has ordered Belle to be electronically monitored until he goes to court.

• If you think the lines at The Q are long for Lebron James Bobblehead day, just wait til July 9 at Jacobs Field. That's John Adams Bobblehead Day! No, not the president. You know, the drummer? The guy who sits up in the bleachers? He brings his big bass drum to every game? Ummmmm, John Adams???
• God Hates Cleveland Sports is becoming famous. Check out entries about us in other Cleveland blogs: Brewed Fresh Daily, Vinny and the Hornless Rhino, Papa Cass, and Crooked River Sports.

Interleague design

Most people think that Barry Bonds has never hit a home run against the Indians because he has played his entire career in the National League. You might think that -- if you didn't live in Cleveland. But since Barry Bonds has managed to hit at least one home run against every OTHER team in baseball save the Red Sox and Devil Rays, you start thinking there's something else at work here.

Like God is going to let fans of any team named after the devil watch one of baseball's greatest players at work. Like God is going to let whiny Red Sox fans enjoy Bonds' feats. And like God is going to let Cleveland fans enjoy watching history that doesn't involve giving them a heart attack.

And now Bonds decides he's going to retire after this season. Or maybe after next season. Either way, the Giants are already done playing the Indians. The teams played their three games last year, with Bonds conveniently sitting out due to a "knee injury". Is that what God's calling it these days?

The Moses
of Cleveland
Lebron James won the NBA All-Star Game MVP yesterday, which immediately became one of the top five Cleveland sports moments of the 21st century.

There hasn't been much to cheer for in Cleveland since two seconds before Dennis Northcutt dropped Kelly Holcomb's third-down pass in the playoff choke, errrrr, loss to the Steelers four years ago. None of our teams has won more games than it has lost since then. Even the James-era Cavs are 108-108 since he joined them. The Indians have had just one winning season out of the last four and the Browns -- well, let's just say that God's been keeping a close eye on the Browns thesese last few years.

Hmmmm, sounds like Lebron's All-Star trophy just moved up the 21st century list. Like to second, right behind the Cavs drafting Lebron. And right before Lebron's runner-up performance in Saturday's All-Star skills contest.

No question Lebron's our greatest hope, and when he held that MVP trophy over his head like Moses displaying the Ten Commandments, he looked like someone who might very well lead us to the promised land. After all, he had just parted the red sea of Western Conference jerseys to the tune of 29 points, helping the East overcome a 21-point deficit in a 122-120 victory.

Maybe someday, when God stops hating us, that will be the Larry O'Brien Championship Trophy Lebron's holding. Let's just hope it doesn't take 40 more years of wandering through the sports desert to get there. Cuz Lebron would be really old and probably not very good by then.

What a Diff
a year makes

Here's the Diff between the Cavs at the All-Star break this year and the Cavs at the All-Star break last year: +½.

Add up all the changes from last season -- a new owner (Dan Gilbert), a new coach (Mike Brown), new name for the Cavs' home arena (Quicken Loans Arena), new P.A. announcer (Ronnie Duncan), new colors for the seats (wine), new free agents (Larry Hughes, Damon Jones, Donyell Marshall), and new stat on the scoreboard (The Diff) -- and the calculator reveals a half-game improvement at the break. Exactly 365 days ago, the Cavs lost their last game before the All-Star break to drop to 30-21. This year, the Cavs beat Boston in double overtime in their last game before the All-Star break to improve to 31-21.

And the Diff is about to be erased, because in their first game after the All-Star break last year, the Cavs won to give themselves a 31-21 record. Then they promptly went on a six-game losing streak. They found themselves at 35-32 before anyone could ask, "Why, God, why???"

Everything feels different this year, with the new owner and the new coach and the new arena name and the new PA announcer and the new free agents and the new statistic. But here's a Diff between last year and this year that's scarier than the last 15 minutes of The Ring: 1. That's the number of players in the starting lineup of Wednesday's victory over the Celtics that were NOT in the starting lineup of the final game before the All-Star break last year.

Wednesday night the Cavs sent Lebron James, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Drew Gooden, Sasha Pavlovic, and Eric Snow onto the court to start against the Celtics. Last year against the T-Wolves in the last game before the break, the Cavs started Lebron James, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Drew Gooden, Sasha Pavlovic, and Jeff McInnis.

Oh, and Ira Newble missed both games because of injury. Nothing Diff there.

One. All these changes and halfway through the season there's only one different player in the starting lineup. Which might explain why there's no Diff in the Cavs record. That, and the fact that God's still around.

Nothing to see here -- yet

Break out the old radio, Indians baseball is back! That's what 70,000 Cleveland-area households will be doing come April if this Plain Dealer report by Roger Brown comes true. Seems Cox Cable and the Indians are squabbling like Mark McGwire and a Congressional hearing over putting the new Indians channel onto the cable system.

"They're asking us to pay 200 percent more than we did when their games were on FSN Ohio, and that's for 20 [fewer] telecasts," (Cox Cable general manager
Kevin) Haynes said of the Indians. "It's totally unacceptable and outrageous. We're trying to stand up and look out for our customers. So, at this point, no, we're not agreeing to carry (the Indians' network)."

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Let's see -- "Kevin Haynes" is actually an anagram of "Heaven in sky". And Cox Cable? Sounds an awful lot like GOD Cable, doesn't it??

With pitchers and catchers reporting to training camp for the Indians today, it seems like the perfect time for God to rub it in a little bit. "I'm not going to let you watch the Indians lose six out of seven to end the season this year," God seems to be saying. Or, "I've got 36 one-run losses coming that you won't see!" Most likely, God's going to remove the blindfold just in time to watch Jim Thome hit a massive home run on Opening Day -- for the White Sox against the Indians.

East Coast bias

Somewhere tonight in Boston, while the Cavs are playing the Celtics, there will be a Boston fan whining about something. Actually, there's probably a Boston fan whining about something right now. And right now. And right now. And right now.

You see, Boston fans like nothing more than being miserable. From 1918 until 2004, when the Red Sox FINALLY won another World Series, you would have thought every cake ever baked in Boston deflated the second it came out of the oven, every child skinned his knee during recess, and every television station broadcast nothing but Yankee games. They claimed to be cursed by the Bambino. But Cleveland's the city whose sports God hates.

Here's all the years Boston celebrated a sports championship since 1918: 1929, 1939, 1941, 1957, 1959, 1960, 1961, 1962, 1963, 1964, 1965, 1966, 1968, 1969, 1970, 1972, 1974, 1976, 1981, 1984, 2002, 2004, 2005. Oh, and they've had 20 other runners-up in that time.

Here's all the years Cleveland HASN'T celebrated a sports championship since 1964: 1965, 1966, 1967, 1968, 1969, 1970, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1974, 1975, 1976, 1977, 1978, 1979, 1980, 1981, 1982, 1983, 1984, 1985, 1986, 1987, 1988, 1989, 1990, 1991, 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005.

But you'd think Boston invented whining. Sure, they've had some tough losses -- Bill Buckner and Bucky Dent come to mind. But at least they've BEEN to the championships in hockey, baseball, and basketball over and over again. In fact, they've been there 44 times since 1918. The Celtics, Bruins, Patriots, and Red Sox have ALL won championships in the last 30 years. They even have Boston College putting together a good season here and there. We've got Cleveland State, best known for a coach caught coming out of a crackhouse.

So tonight, when you hear a Boston fan lamenting his poor team, try not to smash a glass over his head. It will be hard, since you can't even pray to God that the Boston fan shuts up. But take solace in one thing: God hates Cleveland sports a lot more than he hates Boston.

Joining the

Bitterman's Club

It's just two days until Indians pitchers and catchers report to spring training, and General Manager Mark Shapiro is still not over missing the playoffs last season, or so he said on ESPN radio yesterday. And who can blame him? WE'RE still not over it either. We're also still not over Art Modell Firing Paul Brown (42 years ago), The Drive (20 years ago), The Fumble (19 years ago), The Shot (17 years ago), and generally just living in Cleveland.

So it's no big deal that just a few months after The Collapse that Shapiro and the rest of us aren't over the end result of the 2005 baseball season. The reasons for his malaise are rather amusing, however. You see, it's not that the Tribe lost six of their last seven games when just two more wins would have earned them at least a one-game playoff with the Red Sox. No, here's why Shapiro says "It's still bitter" in reference to last season's finish:

"What's hard for me to get over is being a market of our size, winning 93 games, and not getting in. You're talking about the only time in 10 years that wasn't enough wins to get into the playoffs."

Thing is, Shapiro says this with a bit of wryness in his voice, like he just ... can't ... understand it. As if he doesn't realize that God is pulling the strings. No 1,000-yard rushers for 20 years? Thanks, God. One Pro Bowler in seven years? Thanks, God. No championships in 41 years? Thanks, God. One time in 10 years a 93-win team doesn't make the playoffs? Thanks, God!

Welcome to Cleveland, Mark. You've been in the Indians organization since 1992 and the GM since 2001, but you have just now become an official Clevelander. God has made you feel our pain. Just plan on amending your statement in 2016 to say, "You're talking about the only time in 20 years" that 93 wins wasn't enough to make the playoffs.

We aren't

the champions

When the San Antonio Spurs visit The Q tonight, the Cavs will find out just how close they are to being NBA champions. To quote God, it's "not very."

These two last matched up in the second game of the season, with the Spurs winning 102-76. And that was when Larry Hughes actually played. Before that, the Spurs won by two in Cleveland last February -- hey, the Cavs covered the spread -- by 19 in December of '04 and by 18 in March of '04.

Going back to an 89-87 Cavs win in February of '04, the Cavs are 1-4 against the Spurs in the Lebron era. Since the 1999-'00 season, the Spurs have won 10 of 13 against the Cavs with the average margin of victory 16.3 points. Oh, and the Spurs have won three NBA titles during that time while the Cavs have played zero playoff games.

However bad it gets at The Q tonight, do not do what Nathan Mallett did the last time a championship team came to town. Remember the end of that 41-0 Steelers victory in December? After his 20th beer of the day, Mallett ran on the field and was promptly body-slammed by Steeler linebacker James Harrison. Then he was hauled off to jail. So lay off the beer and stay off the court, or God might just strike you down himself tonight.

And then he'll let the Spurs win by 41.

Pro Bowl blues

Let Jamir Miller's story be a cautionary tale for those of you clamoring for another Brown to finally make the Pro Bowl. Tonight, the NFL will once again play its Pro Bowl without a Cleveland Brown in attendance. And once again we should be on our knees thanking God for this.

You see, the last time -- in fact, the ONLY time, -- a Brown made a Pro Bowl since their return from the dead was at the end of of the 2001 season. Miller recorded 13 sacks and 81 tackles that year. He also knocked away 12 passes, showing ability up and down the field. Miller was the face of Butch Davis' up-and-coming defense, and a reason to believe there was a reason for the Browns to rejoin the NFL.

So God smote him down.

Yes, Jamir Miller never played another regular-season game in the NFL. In the first quarter of the Browns first exhibition game the following season, Miller tore an Achilles. Thanks to God's wrath, Miller wasn't even able to walk away from the game he excelled at. Despite attempts at rehab, he never recovered enough to take the field again. God chortled when he allowed the Browns to make the playoffs that season, only to lose due to a defensive collapse against arch-rival Pittsburgh. "If only Jamir Miller weren't injured," we all said.

No, no, no, no, no. If only Jamir Miller hadn't made the Pro Bowl! Then God might not have felt the need to punish us for our pride. And since we didn't learn our lesson the first time around, we haven't even been allowed the opportunity to be prideful since. Miller remains the only Browns Pro Bowler since Browns 2.0 started in 1999. And God remains happy.

Giving us the finger

This is how it was supposed to look for quite awhile, Lebron James leading the charge with Larry Hughes as his right-hand man. A new Batman and Robin, a modern day Green Hornet and Kato, or even a new millenium Jordan and Pippen, if you dare. Then 28 games in, Hughes went under the knife because of a finger injury.

Now word comes down via today's Plain Dealer that, "The Cavs are seeking answers to why the finger is not healing as anticipated." Wow, what a mystery. Where's Detective Robert Goren when you need him? Let me explain "why the finger is not healing as anticipated." IT'S BECAUSE HUGHES PLAYS IN FREAKING CLEVELAND!!

The real question is why an article with phrases such as, "when or if Hughes will return this season" and, "options could range from Hughes returning in eight weeks after his surgery on Jan. 6 - early March - or miss the entire regular season, or miss the rest of the season, or have another surgery" and, "'The healing process is not where I wanted it to be,' said Hughes," wasn't written the day Hughes went under the knife. Because everyone knew that a lost season was the only possible outcome to this news.

Really, this article should have been written last summer when the Cavs signed Hughes. Here's what the headline should have been:

Cavs sign free agent Hughes

Plan is for former Wizard to hurt himself, derail season

Seriously, did you need to be God to see this coming? Omniscience is not a requirement to predict the future for Cleveland sports. Pessimism and a broken spirit are all you need. We're a Magic 8-Ball with all the good fortunes removed. "Ask again later" is about as optimistic an answer as we can ever expect.

Diop no longer a flop

I have met the NBA MVP, and he is one of us. Or he was one of us. Remember that guy over there wearing No. 7 for the Dallas Mavericks? That's DeSagana Diop, the Cavs first pick in the 2001 draft, chosen eighth overall. You might not remember too much about him, considering that he started five games in four years with the Cavs and just barely cracked the 300-point mark in his time here.

But halfway through this season, the Dallas Mavericks decided Diop was the missing piece in their quest for an NBA title. So about a month ago they put him into the starting lineup. The result -- a 13-game winning streak that ended last night in Denver.

So let's get this straight. Diop starts four games in five years in Cleveland and looks like a bigger bust than Buzz Bunny. In Dallas, Diop starts 14 games in a month's time and his team goes 13-1 and takes over the best record in the Western Conference. This can mean only one thing: That God vacations in Dallas and likes to watch good basketball while he's there. Oh, and he doesn't mind sticking it to Cleveland while doing so.

Hearing the Boozer

So this headline from ESPN.com says, "Boozer expects to play Friday against Minnesota", but it REALLY should say, "God expects Boozer to post quadruple double in return". Even though he'll probably play less minutes than your average man lasts in bed (not me, of course), I'm certain that Boozer will end up with something like 26 points, 14 rebounds, 11 assists, and 14 blocks.

Even though Boozer has seen as much action the last year as the blind owner he stabbed in the back, this is likely, because God, like Boozer, hates Cleveland sports. And we hate him. But like Lot's wife learned, God gets the last laugh. So don't be surprised when Boozer sprouts an Amish beard, turns into the next Bill Walton, and makes the Hall of Fame while we are turned into a pillar of salt just for looking at him.

Putting the ill in Sports Illustrated

I'm sick and tired of finding offensive materials in my mailbox. Three times in the past five weeks, Sports Illustrated has sent these disgusting magazines to me, complete with some Pittsburgh Steeler doing something good in the playoffs. There's Jerome Bettis getting ready to spike the ball like it's a doughnut and the end zone is his extra-large coffee. Then there's Bettis again, carrying the ball like it's a giant loaf of bread and he's running toward a 20-pound ham. And there's Hines Ward, prancing around like a little girl.

Every SI swimsuit issue combined hasn't caused as many cancellations as this collection of covers will generate from Northeast Ohio. But SI need not worry, Heaven will still be receiving its subscription. Sports Illustrated is now God's favorite magazine, next to Guideposts.

Like Father, like Son

If you don't believe that God hates Cleveland sports, then who do you think is responsible for this??? Be sure to view that page only on an empty stomach, because whatever you've got stored down there will come right back up once you see this. Such a web site could only be created by someone who hates Cleveland sports (God -- check), someone with too much time on His hands (God again -- check), and someone whose son is JESUS! (That's God -- check.)

If that's not enough for you, look at what God told this Steeler to do to one of our fans, and what God gave as an answer to Mitch's prayer. And that thunder you hear overhead? That's God laughing at Cleveland.

A win that doesn't matter

God hates Cleveland sports so much He didn't even bother to screw the Cavs last night. Ordinarily, this would have been a picture of former Cav Ricky Davis knocking Lebron James to the floor, splitting King James' head open and rendering him useless for the rest of the season.

As it is, though Ricky scored 33 points and hit a 3-pointer in the waning seconds to make it a two-point game, Lebron's near triple-double (35 points, 11 rebounds, 8 assists) led the Cavs to a 97-91 victory. God was busy elsewhere, ensuring that Indiana won by 32 points, Milwaukee won in double overtime, Chicago won in Denver, and Detroit won again -- like the Pistons need His help.

So while the Cavs win a nice road game against a tough Western Conference opponent, God ensured it didn't really matter since everyone else in our division won. Of course, we know the real truth. The whole season doesn't matter, because we're gonna get it in the end, just like always.

Our national nightmare

No, the News-Herald is not the official newspaper of God Hates Cleveland Sports, but perhaps God Hates Cleveland Sports is the official blog of the News-Herald. This is their sports front page for Monday, the day after God laughed at Cleveland once again by allowing the Steelers to win the Super Bowl. This despite the fact that their publisher is from Pennsylvania. He's either an Eagles fan and doesn't like the Steelers either, or is getting the last laugh by waving his own Terrible Towel around the office, because no one was fired. Of course, he knows that God hates Cleveland so Bill Cowher might be mocking Cleveland fans from the front of his paper's sports sections for years to come.

But really now, isn't THIS our worst nightmare anyway:

Use the forced shot, Luke!

Luke Jackson went out and hurt himself against Philly Saturday night, but nobody cares. He'll miss about two months, but won't be missed. That's because Luke has scored but 120 points in his NBA career, or about what Lebron gets in a good week.

Of course, Jackson is just the latest failure in the long, fruitless search for a Steve Kerr-like 3-point shooter, a search that has gone on since, oh, Steve Kerr was here 13 years ago. Someone will probably find the Holy Grail before the Cavs find a 3-point shooter. Like cigarette smoke in a bar, there's some kind of Cleveland stink that attaches itself to every Tonto wh's come to town to support Lebron's Lone Ranger:

2004-05: Lucious Harris .323 3-point percentage/.348 career
2004-05: Jiri Welsch .182 3-point percentage/.350 career
2005-06: Donyell Marshall .312 3-point percentage/.349 career
2005-06: Damon Jones .355 3-point percentage/.384 career

As a team, the Cavs have made 33.4 percent of their 3-point shots this year. That ranks 25th out of 30 teams. Their opponents are hitting 36.4 percent of theirs, which ranks 11th in the league.

Obviously, God prefers post play. At least in Cleveland.

How God will punish us tonight

Lebron James: Man in Tights, 7 p.m., FOX Ohio -- or is it Lebron James, man no longer in tights? The Cavs won seven in a row when Lebron started wearing his tights to support his ouchy knee. They finally lost, Lebron took off the tights, and they lost again. So which is it, tights or not? As we all know, thou shalt not worship false idols, so maybe Someone is angry about Lebron's support hose getting more credit than his God-given gifts. The Bucks stop here tonight.

Super suck

First Art Modell. Then Bill Belichick. Now Bill Cowher. Disgusted yet, Browns fans? Our arch-enemies have defeated us once again. The club that Plain Dealer reporter John Petkovic calls the al-Qaida of sports teams has claimed its fifth Super Bowl title before the Browns have even played in one.

And not only did the Steelers win it all, but they did it with Ohio boy Ben Roethlisberger under center. Roethlisberger is from Findlay, which was Browns territory until his scraggly beard turned them to the dark side. He played ball at Miami University -- you know, the one in the MAC. Then the Browns and several other teams passed on him, until the Steelers took him and then NEVER LOST ANOTHER GAME! Or at least won most of them. Roethlisberger is now 23-3 as a starting QB in his career. The Browns have won just 36 games since rising from the dead in 1999.

Let's see, if Benny is 4 years old and his sister is three years older, at what age will Benny be when he is half as old as his sister? Carry the one, divide by something, and it looks like Big Ben will catch the new Browns in wins by 2007. God will most certainly still hate Cleveland then.