The sweep

Sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep.

Sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep .

Sweep sweep sweep sweep.
Sweep sweep sweep sweep.

Sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep sweep.

Sad.

Welcome back to Cleveland

The Cavs slogan for this postseason is "Rise Up." After the first three games of the NBA Finals, most of us will settle for "Show Up."

The Cavs haven't exactly impressed with their first impression on the NBA's biggest stage. Coach Mike Brown kept his best lineup off the floor for most of the first two games, choosing to go with Limping Larry Hughes over hot rookie Daniel Gibson until Hughes' foot fell off. In Game 2 the Cavs fell behind by the third-largest halftime margin in NBA history, 25 points. In Game 3, Anderson Varejao took a shot against Tim Duncan that Varejao's Fathead image would have had a better chance making. And in that third game -- the Cavs first chance to play a Finals game in front of the home crowd -- San Antonio managed the third-lowest winning total in an NBA Finals game.

Of course when Brown finally started Gibson, the rookie sensation matched Hughes' 1-for-10 from the previous two games. Of course when the Cavs got plenty of wide-open looks from 3-point land, they made just 3-of-19, reminiscent of Ohio State's 3-point meltdown against Florida in the NCAA Men's Basketball Championship back in April, when the Buckeyes went 4-for-23 from behind the arc.

Of course.

If this is what we've been waiting 37 years for the Cavs to do, bring back the Ted Stepien days.

Whereas downtown streets were clogged until nearly dawn after the Cavs knocked out the Pistons in Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals, the postgame festivities after the first NBA Finals game ever held in Cleveland consisted of getting out of Dodge as fast as possible. Within an hour, streets surrounding The Q were as empty as a Cleveland sports championship trophy case.

So now instead of a celebration Game 4 is looking more like a burial. The Cavs are so far gone they're not even on life support any more. The Spurs will be bringing the hammers and nails, the Cavs the coffins. Not exactly what we wanted to Witness.

But then again, what else do you ever see in Cleveland?

There is hope. Shaquille O'Neal's Orlando Magic were swept in his first NBA Finals appearance back in 1994. Magic Johnson's teams were swept twice. That's what we always tell ourselves in Cleveland, though -- there is hope. We're still waiting for next year, for 43 years and counting.

Show us some Boobie!

So far in the NBA Finals, the Cavs have suffered from the same affliction that affects every single red-blooded American male -- and French male, and Italian male, and Argentinian male.

Not enough Boobie.

We need boobie in the morning, we need boobie in the afternoon, and we need boobie at night. We need boobie with breakfast, boobie with lunch, boobie with dinner, and boobie with dessert. ESPECIALLY with dessert. We need big portions of boobie, small portions of boobie, and medium-sized portions of boobie.

In short, we need boobie.

And so do the Cavs.

With Larry Hughes playing on a foot that's ready to fall off, the Cavs have no one to defend San Antonio point guard Tony Parker. (And who's every been defenseless against a Frenchman?) Not only has Tony Parker scored 59 points in the first two NBA Finals games, but Hughes has made just 1-of-10 shooting. Not exactly like Travis Hafner overcoming a poor glove with a hot bat.

So everyone's been clamoring for more Daniel "Boobie" Gibson, the Cavs rookie point guard. He's averaged 15½ points in the first two games while being part of the ensemble that has led a couple of Cavs fourth-quarter comebacks that fell short.

Hey, sounds good. The more Boobie the better. And the more boobie the better. We might just get it tonight (finally). Hughes says he's not going to start Game 3 against the Spurs. Must be a major bummer for him, first NBA Finals in front of the home crowd and he might not even be able to step on the court.

So Boobie we're going to get.

GHCS on the TV

Sure, it's a face made for radio. But Vic Gideon at WKYC Channel 3 thought it was good enough for a few seconds of television. That's right, it's God Hates Cleveland Sports on the TV. Check it out!

Some kind of LeBronderful

He's the uncommon denominator, this Lebron James, the once-in-a-generation factor who has changed our sports equation, helped us reverse our attitude from "woe is me" to "WHOA! is he ... ???", and who really has made the rest of the sports world root for Cleveland for once (even though anyone who actually things the Cavs will win is apparently a fool).

Sure, we're just happy to be here, kinda like a guy who just got run over by a bus but somehow gets right back up unscratched. For a town that's spent a lot of time under that bus over the past few decades, we have a lot of self-confidence. And that's all because of LeBron.

The dark-cloud-in-front-of-the-silver-lining view says that, no Charlie LeBrown, you're not kicking that football. Just what in the world are you thinking? It's a setup, this whole Cavs-in-the-NBA Finals thing. Our team is being sent like Christians to the lions to be torn apart just to verify to everyone that all is well with the universe cuz the sky is blue, grass is green, and it still sucks to root for a Cleveland team.

But that's not what it feels like. Not this time. Not after LeBron's Game 5 performance against the Pistons. It feels amazing, it feels wonderful, it feels unbelievable, and it feels fantastic, but it also feels right. It feels like the Cavs do belong here. It feels like the start of something big.

OK, now. Close your eyes. Deep breaths. Now look around. The basket's still 10 feet above the ground. The foul line's still 15 feet from the rim. There's still five guys per team on the floor. And one of ours is LeBron james, the uncommon denominator, the difference maker.

It's history in the making, and maybe, just maybe, history in the erasing.

Celebrate good times

OK, so we took to the streets following the Cavaliers advancement to the NBA Finals, which is all well and good. We've become starving dogs waiting for a championship of any kind (other than the WNBA or indoor soccer), so just smelling a big, juicy steak is enough to set us off. The streets became sidewalks, car windows became seats, downtown became one giant victory parade.

But it's time to set some ground rules, people. Please keep in mind that we really haven't won anything yet. We just have the CHANCE to win it all now. Since it's been 130-plus sports seasons since one of our teams won anything, and since only three times in those seasons have our teams even played for the championship (that would be the Indians in the World Series in 1954, 1995, and 1997), we don't know what to do right now. After all, we're the city that threw a party on Public Square for our Indians when they finished second in 1995.

So here's your primer for celebrating (or not celebrating) during the NBA Finals against the San Antonio Spurs.

DO NOT burn any cars or couches. That is reserved for Detroit and drunken fraternity parties in Columbus.

DO yell out "Nice, Boobie" anytime Daniel "Boobie" Gibson touches the ball.

DO kiss any girl within arm's length after every basket that gives the Cavs the lead in the fourth quarter of any game. No matter how big her boyfriend is.

DO NOT say, "This reminds me of The Drive/The Fumble/The Shot/The Mesa" if the Cavs screw something up during any of the games. LeBron James is trying to make us forget.

DO NOT start "O-H ... I-O" chants. This is Cleveland, not Columbus, and we finally have something to root for other than Ohio State football.

DO start "Pittsburgh sucks" chants. Because Pittsburgh ALWAYS sucks.

DO NOT pray for a basket or rebound by the Cavs late in the game, or for the Spurs to miss. Because you might just get The Big Guy to start hating Cleveland sports again.

Lit up like Vegas

OK, now what? A Cleveland team has made it to the NBA Finals. How exactly do we handle this prosperity stuff?

When the Ping Pong balls bounced our way in 2003, meaning Akron native LeBron James was staying home, he promised us that he was going to light Cleveland up like Las Vegas. But who really believed him? In the city that names its sports tragedies, that was like the hottest girl in school promising to call you sometime. Believe it, and you're going to the prom dateless.

But something happened. LeBron lived up to the hype immediately, debuting with 25 points, nine assists, six rebounds, and four steals against the Sacramento Kings. Sure, the Cavs lost -- like usual. Sure they went just 35-47 that first year. Sure, they choked their way out of a playoff spot the following season by losing three of their last five games. Sure, they choked away a great chance to beat the Detroit Pistons in the conference semifinals last season. Sure, they looked like just another Cleveland team that would litter our memories with broken promises.

But something was happening. And when LeBron James finally ascended to his throne in Game 5 of the Eastern Conference finals against the Pistons, scoring 29 of the Cavs' last 30 points en route to a double-overtime victory over the Pistons, we all believed again.

And something's happening. It's different this time, with a transcendant player leading the way, someone with the confidence of an action hero. Someone talented enough to put his team and a city on his back. Someone young enough to help erase the past while remembering everything that's happened before.

Our last chance at a championship came when the Indians made the World Series 10 years ago. And that's really not that long ago. But a lot's happened between now and then. The Browns were gone, came back to much fanfare, but spent most of their new lives wobbling around on legs not strong enough to hold up a newborn pony. The Indians began shedding their most popular players as well as their fans, taking us to the precipice of the playoffs in 2005 before leaving us sitting outside the dance and then going back into the tank. And the Cavs were basically irrelevent, with six straight losing seasons.

Now? Now the Cavs have a chance to win almost as many games this postseason (16) as they did in all of the 2002-03 season (17), the final year without LeBron. And we have a chance to exorcise the demons of the past.

Can we handle it?