Who WERE these guys?

Perhaps Thursday night about midnight, Derek Anderson will leave Heinz Stadium and turn back into a pumpkin. Perhaps Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker Joey Porter will welcome Derek Anderson to the NFL by turning Anderson's next 33-yard run into a 7-yard loss. Perhaps the Browns won't score a touchdown while dropping their seventh straight game to the Steelers, wiping the smiles that the win over Kansas City provided right off our faces.

Or perhaps not.

What we're all hoping for is that Derek Anderson turns into the next Tom Brady or Tony Romo, the guy who no one ever heard of but everyone loved after a few weeks. Of course, if Derek Anderson were replacing Drew Bledsoe that might be easier to believe.

Since God is watching the Browns, there's a different list that Derek Anderson is likely to join -- the most irrelevent starting quarterback in the Browns/Steelers rivalry.

There's been some great starting quarterbacks in the 50-plus years of Cleveland vs. Pittsburgh, Hall of Famers like Otto Graham and Terry Bradshaw, legends like Bernie Kosar and, phenoms like Ben Roethlisberger, MVPs like Brian Sipe. And there have been some real dogs, guys whose mothers barely even remember that they started a Browns/Steelers game.

Is Derek Anderson the next folk hero? Or is he destined to be less than a footnote in Cleveland/Pittsburgh history, especially if Charlie Frye comes back quickly from what head coach Romeo Crennell is saying isn't a broken wrist? After all, here's a guy who before last Sunday against the Chiefs never threw a pass in the NFL in his life. What chance does he have against the Steeler defense, even if he only gets three days to prepare?

So prepare yourselves. With the way things go in Cleveland, Derek Anderson has a pretty good chance of joining this, the list of Most Irrelevent Starting Quarterbacks in Browns/Steelers History:

7.) TRENT DILFER

He's not irrelevent in the grand scheme of things -- after all, he did lead the Baltimore Ravens to a Super Bowl title -- but in Browns/Steelers history he barely merits a paragraph. Before riding off into the sunset after his one year with the Browns, Dilfer started one game against the Steelers. It was, of course, a loss, 34-21. Dilfer was just 17-of-34 for 253 yards with 1 touchdown and 1 interception. Sure, everyone's been throwing a fit because the Browns have gone without an experienced backup after shipping Dilfer to the San Francisco 49ers for Ken Dorsey. But guess what? Dilfer has yet to get into a game this year while "tutoring" Alex Smith to a 76.3 QB rating. That's barely ahead of Charlie's 72 rating.

Dilfer's forgettable start against the Steelers last year, his overall blah year with the Browns in 2005, and his lack of a resume post-Cleveland land him on this list.

6. JEFF GARCIA

The beginning of the end of the Butch Davis era came with the signing of Jeff Garcia. Garcia brought more Playboy storylines to Cleveland than wins. First, he began dating Playboy Playmate and Avon Lake native Carmella DeCesare. Then there was the catfight between Carmella and a former Garcia paramour. Then there was the Playboy interview where Terrell Owens insinuated that Garcia is gay. With all that, who even remembers that Garcia started two games against the Steelers in 2004? He went a combined 23-of-50 for 320 yards, 1 touchdown and 1 interception while suffering 7 sacks. The Browns lost both games of course, holding only one 3-0 lead. The Steelers led by double digits for the entire second half of both games.

Garcia started just one more game for the Browns after his second Steelers loss. Then, until the Philadelphia Eagles' Monday night win over the Carolina Panthers, Garcia had just won one game in eight tries as a starting quarterback since leaving Cleveland. It of course was AGAINST the Browns while Garcia was with the Detroit Lions in 2005.

5. TY DETMER

You wouldn't have known it, but Ty Detmer is finally out of football at the beginning of the 2006 season. You wouldn't have known it because not only is Ty Detmer the fifth most irrelevent starting quarterback in the Browns/Steelers rivalry, but also one of the most irrelevent NFL players of all time. He has 15 years of NFL experience but threw only 946 passes. That's just 63 per year! Derek Anderson made it a third of the way there in one half Sunday. Not only is Detmer one of the most irrelevent starting quarterbacks in the rivalry, his start was also one of the most ignominious. He started the Browns very first game in their return to the NFL in 1999, a 43-0 whitewashing by the Steelers. Detmer went 6-for-13 for 52 yards with 1 interception and 2 sacks.

Head coach Chris Palmer deemed Detmer so bad that despite the fact that the new Browns had never played a game, Detmer needed to be benched. Enter Tim Couch. Ty Detmer wasn't seen again until the final three games of the season, and barely at all after leaving Cleveland.

4. KENT GRAHAM

For some reason the Steelers thought Kent Graham would make a good quarterback in 2000, after the New York Giants and Arizona Cardinals already decided he wouldn't. And the Giants had decided it twice. But there was Graham under center for the Steelers in Week 3 of 2000, taking a sack inside the 10-yard line with his team out of timeouts and down by three points. The clock ran out before the Steelers could attempt a game-tying field goal, and the Browns had a 23-20 victory.

Graham is saved from a higher place on the irrelevency list by Kordell Stewart. Graham got another start against the Browns in Week 8, but was yanked after going 3-of-12 for 46 yards. Stewart finished the game, which Pittsburgh won 22-0. So even though Graham was pathetic in two starts, he actually gets credited for starting a victory. But he was totally irrelevent to the rest of the league after that second Browns game; he threw just 24 more passes for the rest of his career.

3. DOUG PEDERSON

And here's another reason Graham is saved from a higher spot on the irrelevancy list. Remember this guy? In the runaway train season of 2000, Doug Pederson actually played more games than any other Browns quarterback. He was predictably awful, throwing 2 touchdown passes and 8 interceptions.

But while here, he put up a forgettable performance. And it just happened to be in the most irrelevent game in Browns/Steelers history -- that Week 8 game where Kent Graham saw his Steelers career shoot up in flames. Kent Graham vs. Doug Pederson? No one would even turn out to watch that in a high school game. But where Graham was bad, Pederson was worse. He was replaced by Spergon Wynn! In that 22-0 Steelers victory, Pederson went just 9-of-20 for 61 yards with 3 interceptions.

As soon as the season was over Pederson went back to carrying Brett Favre's clipboard, throwing just 54 irrelevent passes over his final four years.

2. CHUCK ORTMAN

Ortman played just one year for the Steelers and two in the NFL. He played 12 games in 1951, the second year of the Browns/Steelers rivalry. One of those games was against the Browns, a 28-0 loss. Ortman's irrelevent stats: 13-of-27 for 136 yards.

Ortman moved on to the Dallas Texans in 1952 and played just three more irrelevent games before fading into obscurity.

1. DON GAULT

Former nongreat Don Gault started a 1970 game for the Browns that goes down as one of the most irrelevent in the rivalry's history. The Browns won the game 15-7, but it had nothing to do with Gault. He etched his place in the record books by going 1-for-16, setting a record that still stands for most pass attempts in a game with just one completion. But while Gault is long forgotten, the game is remembered as Mike Phipps' first appearance for the Browns and Terry Bradshaw's first start in the storied rivalry.

There's a few other quarterbacks who just missed the list. There's Dr. Dave Mays, who went on to become a dentist. He led the Browns to victory in the famous 1976 game where Turkey Joe Jones dumped Terry Bradshaw on his head. But Mays didn't start that game; he replaced an injured Brian Sipe midway through. And you've got Cliff Stoudt who quarterbacked the Steelers in 1983, but they (A) made the playoffs and (B) split with the Browns.

And maybe, just maybe, after Thursday night, you'll have Derek Anderson. If God's making out the list, you should bet on it.

We've had our eye on you, Mr. Anderson

The last time a Derek Anderson made headlines in Cleveland, Mike Fratello was his coach, Shawn Kemp was his best teammate, Zydrunas Ilgauskas was a rookie, Danny Ferry wasn't a GM, Lebron James wasn't yet a teenager, and Cleveland Browns Stadium wasn't even built.

This time, THAT Derek Anderson's hanging on with the Charlotte Bobcats -- with former Cleveland Cavaliers teammate Brevin Knight -- while THIS Derek Anderson is stepping into the role of improbable folk hero.

Browns 31, Chiefs 28 in overtime. With this Derek Anderson as leading man. Apparently Mr. Anderson took the red pill before the fourth quarter. How else to explain the Neo-like move he put on Ty Law during his 33-yard overtime run that allowed Phil Dawson a chip-shot field goal to give the Browns their first OT victory since 2002? And no helmetless Dwayne Rudd in sight.

After a week of As Braylon Edwards Turns in which the Browns prima donna wide receiver took a helicopter to Columbus without permission from the team to watch his Michigan Wolverines lose to Ohio State, called out teammate Brian Russell for a perceived cheap shot on Chad Johnson of the Cincinnati Bengals, then fought with quarterback Charlie Frye on the sidelines during last week's game (because Braylon has so much passion for the game, we came to discover), then found out it was actually his long-lost evil twin behind everything, the Browns wrote a new character into the script against the Chiefs.

Kelly Holcomb. Errrrrrrrrrrrr, Derek Anderson.

Until yesterday, Mr. Anderson didn't even have a bit part in the Browns' drama. He basically was living in the matrix, fantasizing about a world in which he entered a game with the Browns down by 14 in the fourth quarter, brought the team back with seconds remaining in regulation, then led the game-winning drive in overtime. He was as relevant as the water boys. Even Romeo Crennell thought this Derek Anderson should keep taking the blue pills: "If we're ahead by 30, then I would like to see some of (Anderson)," he said the other day. Who even knew Mr. Anderson was the backup quarterback? Before yesterday, ask a dozen Browns fans that question, and all would tell you that was Ken Dorsey's role.

After never throwing a pass in the NFL while standing on the sidelines for two-plus seasons, this Derek Anderson threw 21 of them against the Chiefs, almost all in the fourth quarter. Twelve of them were complete, two for touchdowns, one with 35 seconds to go. Then his 33-yard scramble in overtime set up Phil Dawson's game-winning field goal and the Browns' first overtime victory since 2002.

Now, it looks like this Derek Anderson's going to be leading the Browns into Pittsburgh week. Watch out, Steelers! You remember what Kelly Holcomb did to you in the playoffs a few years ago right? Something like 429 yards, the third-highest passing total in NFL playoff history. Heck, the NEW Kelly Holcomb might do that with his arm AND his feet.

As for THAT Derek Anderson, stay tuned for a week from Wednesday, when he returns to The Q with the Charlotte Bobcats.

Browns stink, rivalry doesn't

They think no one in Cleveland cares about the Browns-Steelers rivalry anymore. They think that just because our team has stunk for close to a decade, just because Ohio State has become our de facto pro football team (especially with THE Ohio State University beating Michigan in the Greatest Game of All Time© being played this weekend), just because the Steelers have dominated the Browns and are the defending Super Bowl champions, they think that no one cares anymore.

Wrong.

We just don't care about the game anymore.

But remember what your current punter, Chris Gardocki, did, Steeler fans? Back in 2000 he flipped off the Steelers sideline, telling your jawhead coach Bill Cowher and the rest of the Steelers what he thought of them after the Steelers gave Gardocki a few cheapshots. That's your punter telling you what the rest of us here in Cleveland think about Pittspuke.

Oh, sure, we've got plenty of things to distract us. We've got the soon-to-be-national-champion Buckeyes. There's that Cleveland native Troy Smith who's about to win the Heisman Trophy. We've got Lebron and his James Gang (what, they have the best record in the Eastern Conference??). We've got the high school football playoffs. We've got Grey's Anatomy.

It's just hard to get worked up for a game when we put our hearts, our souls, our money, and our time into rooting for a team that never pays us back. (That's you, Browns, by the way!!) It's hard to really care about a team that has won 2, 3, 7, 9, 5, 4, 6, and this year 3 games since it returned from limbo.

But it's never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER hard to get worked up over the Browns-Steelers rivalry. Even Braylon Edwards, who didn't even play in last year's Christmas Eve game won by the Steelers 41-0, knows this.

Just the smell that comes into our city whenever Pittsburgh fans come to watch their team is enough to piss us off for six months. The games? Hey, we've been getting clobbered, but what can you do when God hates your sports teams?

But the rivalry? The rivalry! You can almost hear Colonel Kurtz in Apocalypse Now replacing "horror" with "rivalry" in his famous speech: "It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what rivalry means. Rivalry has a face ... and you must make a friend of rivalry. ... The rivalry ... The rivalry."

And here's the Top 7 moments for the last seven years of Browns vs. Steelers:

7. STEELERS SCREWED

Browns draft bust Courtney Brown records his career-high third sack when he plants Steeler stiff QB on the 6-yard line with 14 seconds to go and the Browns up three. With the Steelers out of time outs, time runs out and the Browns win 23-20. Later in the week, NFL senior director of officiating Jerry Seemen tells the Steelers that the referees should have stopped the clock to spot the ball, which would have most likely given Pittsburgh enough time to try a hurried game-tying field goal. But tough luck, Steelers -- they finish a game behind the Colts for the final playoff spot.

6. COWHER LIES

Bill Cowher needed to lie to his players to fire them up in order to win the first game the Browns played when they returned to the NFL in 1999. Cowher told Browns officials not to introduce the Steelers prior to the game, then told his players the Browns refused to introduce them. He must have known his crummy team would only finish 6-10 that year.

5. FLIPPED OFF

Chris Gardocki flips off Cowher and the Steelers' sideline, giving voice to the feelings of every person in Greater Cleveland.

4. DAWSON KICKS STEELERS IN THE GUT

Even though the Browns sucked, THIS one mattered -- Phil Dawson ran onto the field as the clock wound down, the Browns out of time outs. His 39-yard field goal split the Three Rivers Stadium uprights as time expired, giving the Browns an amazing 16-15 victory over the Steelers just nine games after the Steelers whipped the Browns in their return to the NFL. Apparently Cowher forgot to lie to his players before this game.

3. PORTER EXCUSED

If you can't beat 'em, kick 'em out! That's the tact William Green took with Joey Porter before the game in Cleveland in Nov. 2004. Porter likes to get riled up in warmups, and this time he supposedly spat on William Green. That led to swings, which led to ejections for both players -- a pretty fair trade!

2. SLAMMED

Hey, who wouldn't get drunk and run on the field in a 43-0 game? Nathan Mallett found out why maybe you shouldn't do it when Steelers linebacker Jerome Harrison body-slammed him and held him for police. But the best thing about it was Mallett's punishment -- he was sent to jail and didn't have to watch the Steelers win the Super Bowl earlier this year. Not only that, he is never allowednever has to go to a Browns game again!! Justice was definitely served.

1. GOD HATES CLEVELAND SPORTS RIVALRIES

Not only do the Browns blow a 12-point lead in the final 10 minutes, they do it in a wild-card playoff game against TOMMY FREAKING MADDOX. And you can believe it's not just any old choke job. It took a Dennis Northcutt drop of a pass that would have given the Browns a first down in the final minutes and most likely taken away any chance of a Steeler comeback. Northcutt and Ryan Tucker are the only two Browns starters from that game who remain on the team.

So there you have it. The rivalry still lives, even if this one hasn't provided any Greatest Game of All Time© over the past seven years. You can bet this one will give us yet another highlight, even if God makes it a bad one for the Browns.

Steel hurtin'

This one's for you, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette ...

Straight from the W.W. Jacobs files of "be careful what you wish for" comes this year's Browns-Steelers game. Remember his story "The Monkey's Paw" that we all read in ninth grade? (Well, all of us outside Pittsburgh. They were still working on their McGuffey's Readers in high school.) In case you don't, here's the summary, using small words to help Steelers fans understand. Whoever possesses a certain monkey's paw talisman is granted three wishes. Mr. and Mrs. White receive the paw and all their wishes have horrible consequences, including the death of their son.

It looks Browns fans received their wish this season, W.W. Jacobs fashion. "Please, please, please God, make us as good as those awesome Pittsburgh Steelers!" we prayed. "If only we could be as good as a Super Bowl champion. It's all we've ever wanted!"

Wish granted, Browns fans! Suddenly the Browns are just as good as the Steelers. Of course you expected Rod Serling to appear and deliver the cruel twist of fate, didn't you? The Browns are finally as good as the Steelers BECAUSE THE STEELERS SUCK!!!!

Yes, this year's first Browns-Steelers game is a battle for last place. And who can't get excited about that, especially the day after the Greatest Game of All Time© is played in Columbus? Well, other than Braylon Edwards? Sure, the Steelers have beat the Browns nine out of the last 10 times. Sure, the Steelers have shut out the Browns three times since our return to the NFL in 1999. Sure, the Browns haven't scored more than 12 points in a home game against the Steelers since the turn of the century. None of that matters. God has granted us our wish.

Things are so bad that Steelers head coach Bill Cowher is talking about retiring. See what happens when the Browns catch up with you? Let's check out the scoreboard heading into Sunday's matchup: same record (3-6), our Evel Knievel wannabe is second in the league in receptions while theirs is 22nd in the league in passer rating, and the Browns have given up less points than the Steelers so far this year (184-207). Who wouldn't want to retire staring at all that, Super Bowl trophy in hand or not.

And here you thought God hated Cleveland sports.