You're telling me there's a chance?

Hey, guess what -- LeCharles Bentley's career might be over.

Maybe. Probably. There's a very good chance. All signs point to yes.

That's about as close as Browns GM Phil Savage is willing to get to a future without LeCharles Bentley, even though that future's been here since, oh, about the first day of training camp. Every time Phil Savage says something about LeCharles' future, he's sounding more and more like Jim Carrey As Lloyd Christmas in "Dumb and Dumber".

Phil/Lloyd: "Hit me with it! I've come a long way to see you, Mary. The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances."
LeCharles/Mary: "Not good."
Phil/Lloyd: "You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?"
LeCharles/Mary: "I'd say more like one out of a million."
Phil/Lloyd: "So you're telling me there's a chance."

Actually, Phil, that's what you're telling yourself. In a Tuesday press conference, the Browns GM announced that LeCharles would "more likely" need another surgery on his torn patellar tendon and "if he does elect to have the surgery" then he won't be playing next season.

Sounds like Savage has just about moved into the fifth stage of grief, acceptance. Would it be any surprise if a 6-foot-2, 310-pound guy whose leg came unhinged at the knee never played another down of football?

At least this time they won't be losing him on the first day of training camp. Maybe the Browns can just accept their loss and finally move on.

RELATED: Are you sure you want to be That Guy?; Down goes Bentley!

The GHCS Q&A:
WTAM's Mark Schwab

He scooped all of Cleveland on Keith Foulke's retirement, once beat St. Joseph High School graduate and former Cleveland Brown Bob Golic in an eating contest, and named his cat Boomer.

Now WTAM Indians beat reporter Mark Schwab has achieved his career pinnacle -- a Q&A with God Hates Cleveland Sports. And this isn't just any Q&A, this is the first of what will become an ongoing series of interviews with Cleveland media personalities. Schwaby earned the leadoff spot with his Keith Foulke scoop and his ability to pop up anywhere at anytime on WTAM, much like the gopher in Caddyshack.

Here's the results of our email Q&A with WTAM Tribe beat reporter Mark Schwab:

GOD HATES CLEVELAND SPORTS: You kicked everyone's butt on the Foulke story. Let's put aside how you got the story -- how did you manage to get the story and report it WITHOUT any other Cleveland media member running with it. You were on WTAM at about 15 minutes after midnight teasing the story. There was still plenty of time for any newspaper in town to get something in, especially since all were waiting for the end of the Cavs game before running their final editions. Yet NO ONE had it in the Friday morning paper. How'd you keep it away from everyone else?

MARK SCHWAB: Well I got it on the air after midnight, by then the print guys would’ve had to have heard the story (or received a call telling them about it), get a source to pick up the phone after midnight, actually get the source to confirm the story, something that wasn’t easy with that story at that time.

GHCS: A perfect storm of events kept both this story and the Cavs/Lakers result-- the ONLY two sports stories in Cleveland from Thursday, BTW -- out of most everyone's morning papers. That turned both stories into Internet stories. And yet despite one of LeBron's best games of the season against a glamour team and foe (Kobe), the Foulke discussion DOMINATED the sports scene like the Steelers dominate the Browns. Why is that?

MS: Because it was a one-time event. The Cavs play 82 times. Only "once a never" can you have your closer retire on the first day of spring training.

GHCS: Does God hate Cleveland sports?

MS: Absolutely not. First off, hate is a sin. God is incapable of sinning because of His perfect righteousness. Scripture tells us God “hates” some things, but the term is there more to illustrate in a human way, that those things are bad. Proverbs 6: 16-19 tells us God “hates” haughty eyes (self righteous arrogance), lying, murder, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that run rapidly to evil (using ZERO self restraint with sin), a false witness who lies and one who spreads strife. CLEVELAND is mentioned no where in the Bible. Even if Cleveland was guilty of these things, He STILL would not hate the city. Rom 8:38-39 confirms that. And all sins are forgiven at moment of confession to God the Father anyway (1 John 1:9). So no. God does not hate Cleveland.

GHCS: LeCharles Bentley, signed as a free agent by the Browns to plug the biggest hole on the team, goes down on the first day of training camp, never plays a down for the team. Keith Foulke, signed as a free agent by the Indians to plug the biggest hole on the team, retires on the first day of spring training, never throws a pitch for the team. Coincidence?

MS: Yes. Coincidence. An odd one, but still coincidence.

GHCS: What makes for a better sports talk show -- when our teams are really good, when our teams are really bad, or when they are just OK?

MS: Depends on the host. I like it more when they’re good, it’s just more fun. The bitter people that love to be negative like it the other way.

GHCS: Plain Dealer columnist Bill Livingston was on Les Levine's talk show last Monday night and wasn't too pleased with the prospect of heading to Winter Haven for the beginning of spring training. He said something along the lines of nothing ever happens the first couple weeks. What kind of Chad Johnson-like TD dance did you do for him when you landed your scoop?

MS: Normally I don't like TD dances, but Chad’s (and some of Steve Smith’s) I don’t mind because they’re funny. A lot of his come to mind, but I think the Tiger Woods putt was the best. Hilarious.

GHCS: You've got one day with absolutely nothing to do. No obligations whatsoever. Which do you do -- a Star Wars marathon or a Lord of the Rings marathon?

MS: Wow. Ok, have I mentioned this on the air? How’d you know! This has actually been discussed with my friends, and we’ve unsuccessfully tried to plan a day just like this. First off, any LOTR viewing MUST be the extended editions to even count. Now, you’ve got to look at time. There are six Star Wars movies and only three LOTR movies but the Star Wars movies are much shorter, especially since you’re watching said extended versions of LOTR. My final decision would come down to two things probably. First, which of the films have I not seen lately, and second, what video games am I playing. If it’s one of the two Star Wars: Knights of The Old Republic games for Xbox, Star Wars could win out. If it’s a more traditional role-playing game, then I might side with the hobbits. Still a tough call.

GHCS: Ever take advantage of the Sunday Score Special that oil-change place offers during Indians games?

MS: Absolutely not. I drive a Volkswagen Turbo S New Beetle. Only Volkswagon dealers can touch a Volkswagen! And if you want to laugh at me for driving a Beetle, watch me blow your ass away off the line with 6 speeds of pure Turbonium. Who’s laughing now!

GHCS: WKNR vs. WTAM in a media Olympics -- softball, bowling, cornhole, and wing-eating. Who wins what?

MS: Softball -- WTAM. I was ready to give this to the guys down the dial because of youth. Other than (Greg) Brinda, they’ve got a LOT of younger guys. But then I remembered our weekenders, Mark Tromba, Ryan Pritt, and Stacy Jantz. Tromba is somewhat athletic, Pritt is young, and Stace could hold her own and definitely has some quicks in her. Add that to a core of me, Andre Knott and Kevin Keane, and I think we could pull it off. Keane would be the best player on the field and crush them. Dude can seriously play.

Bowling -- WKNR. I’ve gotta give them something, don’t I? Besides, can you see Alison wielding a bowling ball? And (Neil) Bender just looks like somebody that knows what he’s doing in a 7-10 split.

Cornhole -- How should I know? I’ve got some southern Ohio roots, so I can play a little bit. I’ll give this to us for that. WTAM wins.

Wing eating -- Probably the true prize of the Radio Olympics. Let’s face it, we can all eat. Now, I say this with no disrespect to guys like Bender, (Mike) Catan, (Kenny) Roda, (Gene) Winters, guys like that. I’m sure they can “get their eat on” better than most others in the media, but not us. Forget the fact that I’ve eaten a Big Mac in 27 seconds. Ignore that Keane piledrives 2 quadruple cheeseburgers just for a snack. Forget about Pritt being a college boy that can chow hound. I give you three names to trump all: Triv (Mike Trivisonno). Marty (Allen). (Paul) Rado. Good evening, good night, good bye. Triv and Marty alone would be a serious force, but oh my, Rado could eat a family of five and he’d still be looking for the grandparents. This man is dangerous with a stomach. He is Unicron from the Transformers movie. There are days I can only tip my hat. I can’t believe the man is alive, let alone functioning and incinerating food at the rate he does. Just ask Mr. Chicken. He spends every Tuesday begging for mercy on the wrong end of Rado’s spork. You challenge Paul in an eating contest, you’re not only going to lose, you going to be embarrassed. WTAM wins this event in a landslide.

GHCS: Name five things you can do in Winter Haven that you can't do in Cleveland.

MS:

1. Be eaten by an alligator.
2. Eat the worst boneless wings in the United States of America.
3. Watch Jason Davis get people out (great in spring training, still waiting on the rest of the year!).
4. See Carmen Policy talk on a payphone.
5. See sights like a ridiculous orange dome, a boring water-ski show that they think should impress you, and hundreds of people that still think it’s 1981.

GHCS: Why the hell would ANYONE choose to be a Cleveland sports fan?

MS: Nobody really CHOOSES to be a fan of their home teams, they just are. You didn’t choose to be born, or to be a guy, you just were, just are. It’s what you do, there’s no volition attached to being a true fan. You are because you are. Those that choose other teams have no marbles and are cowards. Worthless to the cause.

GHCS: Rocky River's boys basketball team is 12-4. Its girls team is 12-3. The Pirates were 9-2 in football this past season. What's going on over there??

MS: You’ve got it backwards. THIS is the standard. The garbage years we just left were the aberration. We were a force in both sports when I was in high school. Our football team went 9-1 my soph year and we went to regionals in basketball. Especially in hoops, we were good. Football we were always at least average. Except our girls basketball teams, they always sucked. Glad they finally figured that out. I love high school sports, I think it’s awesome that the River Rats are back. I’m off to Danny Boy’s or Herbs to celebrate. Best pizza (DB) and burgers (Herbs) in NE Ohio. I'd put 'em up against anybody, anywhere for that matter.

Thanks to Mark Schwab for putting up with the GHCS Q&A!

World's finest

-- just ask him

If only everyone in the Cleveland sports scene had Damon Jones attitude.

The self-proclaimed greatest shooter in the world -- and as he freely admitted, it remains self-proclaimed -- didn't even advance past the first round of the NBA's 3-point Shootout last night. Just a bad night, said the self-proclaimed greatest shooter in the world, who is 35th in the league in 3-point percentage. Even Michael Jordan, who has six championship rings, has a bad game, said the guy with no rings. Just wait til next year when he has another chance, said the guy who has played 11 minutes in the Cavs last three games.

Just wait til next year? Wait, maybe everyone in the Cleveland sports scene does share Damon Jones' attitude. After all, we've been waiting for next year for the last 40 years or so.

If Damon Jones can proclaim himself the world's greatest shooter despite having never played for the same team in back-to-back years until he signed with the Cavs, maybe we have all kinds of greatests in Cleveland already. They just need Damon Jones' attitude to let the world know it.

Just think ...

Kellen Winslow Jr. is the world's greatest tight end. Just ask him, he'll tell you. He apparently did go to the Damon Jones Attitude Makeover School.

Keith Foulke is the world's greatest closer, despite no saves last year and his spring-training retirement this year.

Mark Shapiro is the world's greatest general manager, despite the fact that the Indians have just one winning season during his five-year tenure.

C.C. Sabathia is the world's greatest pitcher, as long as you qualify it to mean left-handed pitchers under 26 years old who have never pitched for more than one team.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas is the world's greatest center, among those who are from Lithuania.

Charlie Frye is the world's greatest quarterback from northern Ohio. Who hasn't crashed his motorcycle.

If only Damon Jones could get to each of these guys and let them know exactly how good each of them is. Then maybe we'd finally have players the caliber of Damon Jones, players who will do nothing but bring us non-stop championships.

Mark his words

Thanks to Cleveland.com, Mark Shapiro's press conference addressing Keith Foulke's retirement is now online.

Listen to Part 1 and Part 2.

If it ain't Foulke ...

Maybe when the Indians talked to reliever Keith Foulke about coming to Cleveland, they were actually talking to his bobblehead.

Mark Shapiro: "Keith, I know you had elbow problems last year. Is your elbow OK now?"

Keith Foulke bobblehead: Nods head yes.

MS: "Awesome. That's what I needed to hear. Now, you had surgery on your knee. Did they fix your knee?"

KFB: Nods head yes.

MS: "This is getting better and better. You've been a closer in the past, Keith. Can you still handle that ninth-inning pressure?"

KFB: Nods head yes.

MS: "I knew you would say yes! You've got that killer mentality, and look at that World Series trophy that comes along with it. How's that feel, that feel good?"

KFB: Nods head yes.

MS: "Great. OK, here's what we can do. I've got 5 million bucks here. You can have it if you pitch for us. Want it?"

KFB: Nods head yes.

MS: "Sign right here, Keith! You're now an Indian. Welcome aboard! Can I touch that World Series trophy?"

KFB: Stops nodding.

Foulke greater than LeBron?

It's Friday morning in Cleveland and most likely the two biggest sports stories of the day aren't in your local newspaper.

And who knew the biggest of the two wouldn't be LeBron James finally making a bunch of foul shots, outscoring Kobe Bryant, and leading the Cavs to a 114-108 win on the road over the Los Angeles Lakers?

Nope, thanks to our bruised psyche and a similar scenario from the first day of Browns training camp last year (LeCharles Bentley, anyone?), Keith Foulke's sudden retirement has pushed LeBron James out of the water-cooler discussions this morning. Cleveland.com's Tribe Tracker blog already has two posts devoted to Foulke's retirement and is filled with comments from disgusted Indians fans. The Cleveland.com Cavs message board has almost no posts about last night's game against the Lakers, while the Indians message board is busier than a Cleveland red-light camera.

Man, if Foulke actually saved a few games for the Tribe maybe they would have torn down that giant LeBron James sign downtown and put up one of Keith Foulke.

Word leaked out on that one thanks to WTAM's Mark Schwab as the Cavs-Lakers game marched toward the second half. Apparently he was the only one in town who knew.

Just think what would be happening if Keith Foulke had actually ever thrown a pitch for the Indians. Or even put on an Indians jersey. Or even made it to Winter Haven. Or even wanted to be an Indian. Remember how he kept trying to catch on with either the Arizona Diamondbacks or Texas Rangers because they were closer to home?

But it's another blow to this town's sports psyche all the same. The bullpen was the Indians' biggest disaster last season and the top priority in the offseason. GM Mark Shapiro wasn't content with just patching the wall. He filled the hole with concrete, paved over it, put up a brick fence, then wrapped a padlocked chain around the entire thing.

And there's already cracks appearing.

The woe-is-me attitude is alive and well in Cleveland and going nowhere fast. Keith Foulke's become the prominent story on Cleveland.com, on the message boards, and in the blogosphere, all before we can even enjoy LeBron and the James Gang's exciting victory in L.A. All for a guy who has never even worn a Tribe uniform, much less thrown a pitch in one. But he was painted as the answer to all our problems, and once again the coach turns into a pumpkin in Cleveland.

When Keith Foulke retiring is a bigger story than LeBron James pumping in 38 points against the Lakers in an exciting road victory, you know your town's sports fans need more than a few sessions on the psychiatrist's couch.

Un-Foulkeing-believable

Last night it was just a whisper from WTAM Indians beat reporter Mark Schwab. This morning it's a full-fledged roar: Cleveland Indians purported closer Keith Foulke has retired.

Cleveland.com's Indians message board is blowing up. Someone on the ESPN.com Indians message board wants to know why we are cursed. (Hellooooo???) Cleveland.com finds itself playing catch-up on the story after Schwab beat it. ESPN.com has finally made it one of its headlines. Bloggers (Vinny and the Hornless Rhino, Papa Cass, Swerb's Blurbs) are chiming in.

Here's some of the best comments heard in cyberspace today:

"Classy move by the front office letting Foulke come back to retire as an Indian" -- mikejunkin55 on the Cleveland.com Indians forum

"Seriously, this Foulke thing really gets under my skin. Why is it this stuff only happens in Cleveland? Why?? ... It sucks to be a Cleveland sports fan!" -- Regal on the ESPN.com Indians forum

"It's not LeCharles Bentley's torn patella tendon, but it's still not the best news to start Spring Training, is it?" -- The Hornless Rhino

"Well that was quick." -- Rich Swerbinsky, Swerbs Blurbs

"One still has to wonder about the initial psychological blow of losing a former World Series-winning closer on the second day of spring training. Very LeCharles Bentley of him." -- Eric Cassano, aka Papa Cass

Leave it to the Cleveland sports scene to knock LeBron James out of the headlines before anyone can even read about his 38-point effort and 18-of-22 free-throw shooting while outdueling Kobe Bryant and the Lakers, 114-108 last night. After all the hand-wringing over the Cavs since the calendar turned to 2007, they go into the All-Star break at 31-22, just a half-game worse than last year's record. But who cares, Keith Foulke has retired!!!

What the Foulke??

Apparently Indians "closer" woke up this morning, looked at the uniform they wanted him to wear as pitchers and catchers reported to spring training, and saw a very bad word: Cleveland.

So he retired.

Sometime this morning on WTAM's Wills and Webster morning show, Mark Schwab will go in depth on why the hopeful to Bob Wickman's throne has thrown in the towel. Like there is an in-depth story. It's a simple as this -- Keith Foulke didn't want to pitch for a team that God hates.

And here come the inevitable headlines: Indians bullpen Foulked, Tribe Foulked, Stick a Foulke in Them, What the Foulke is in the Water Up There???

Just two days ago Plain Dealer Indians beat reporter Paul Hoynes presented the best-case scenario for the Tribe's closer job. That was that Foulke and Borowski trade off injuries, one always healthy to pick up a few saves, each getting close to 20 saves before it's all over.

He left out the worst-case scenario: KEITH FOULKE FREAKING RETIRES BEFORE SPRING TRAINING EVEN STARTS.

Somewhere Bob Wickman is laughing so hard his belly is shaking like a jar full of jelly.

Foulke wasn't even in town when LeCharles Bentley went down with a probable career-ending knee injury on the first day of Browns training camp last year. But he already knows better. No way he's going to be struck down before practice even starts! No, siree, Keith Foulke will take matters into his own hands.

Now we know why the Indians signed all those relievers in the offseason. They wanted to make sure they still had one by the time the season started. Foulke's already gone, Borowski didn't pass a physical with the Philadelphia Phillies which allowed the Indians to jump on him, Roberto Hernandez was born a month and a half before the Browns secured Cleveland's last championship, Aaron Fultz has a career 4.37 ERA, and newly signed Cliff Pollitte missed most of last year due to injury.

This makes two times in three seasons a scrapheap addition was penciled into a prime position in the Tribe's lineup, then produced absolutely nothing. Remember Juan Gonzalez two years ago? The Indians signed him, put him in right field and the middle of the lineup, then watched him hurt his hamstrings the next-to-last day of spring training. Grady Sizemore had already been sent to AAA. Thankfully the Tribe was able to put Grady into that empty outfield spot as Juan Gone gave us just one at-bat in which he couldn't even run all the way to first base in 2005. Is there a Grady to take Keith Foulke's spot? Should the Indians even be wasting their time on guys like this? After all, they had to practically beg Foulke for a date to the prom this offseason anyway.

Even Keith Hernandez thinks Juan Gonzalez and Keith Foulke should give their money back.

Whatever the case, it's just another typical morning in Cleveland. Wake up and the sky is falling. And the season hasn't even started yet.

Curses

foiled again

Maybe Carlos Boozer thinks that by the time he finally does play against the Cavs, we will have all forgetten about his Benedict Arnold turn in signing with the Utah Jazz. After all, it's been 2½ seasons in Salt Lake City for the ex-Cavs forward, which is more time than he spent in Cleveland. Of course, thanks to injuries, he still has played less games with Utah (129) than with the Cavs (156).

Another of those injuries has sidelined Boozer for tonight's visit from the Cavaliers. It's the fifth time the Cavs have played Utah since Boozer, and the fifth time Boozer has missed the game with an injury. This time around it's a fractured leg bone keeping Boozer out of the game. He suffered the injury Jan. 27, and at the time speculation had Boozer out four-to-six weeks.

That ensured he was out for tonight's game. But guess where the Jazz will be exactly 4½ weeks from tonight, which will be seven weeks after Boozer suffered his injury?

That's right -- Quicken Loans Arena on Saturday, March 17. Also known as St. Patrick's Day.

You have to wonder if Boozer will be ready to be booed in that game. It will be the Jazz's fourth road game in five nights. If Boozer is just coming back from his injury, will Utah want to put him on the court that many times in five days, especially when the last game of the set will be in hostile territory? Oh, you can bet there will be boos -- Cleveland fans have memories like elephants. You think it's hard to get a pit bull to let something go once it's chomped down on it? Try ripping revenge out of a Cleveland fans' mouth. Fuhgetaboutit.

Just think about the atmosphere surrounding that game. St. Patrick's Day is a revered holiday in Cleveland -- Drunk Day, some call it -- and Saturday, March 17 will be the Cavs only game in a five-day span. How many drunken louts will be at The Q that night, screaming Boozer's name, whether he plays or not? And if Boozer does play, and maybe takes a tumble in the first half, how loud do you think the Q will get?

So don't worry about not getting to boo Boozer tonight. Save it up for next month. You'll finally get your chance on St. Patrick's Day.

Let's not get this Marty started

Take your MartyBall and go home. That's what the Chargers told former head coach Marty Schottenheimer a couple days ago. It's what the Cleveland Browns should tell their once and hopefully not future head coach as well.

Cleveland sports fans do nothing quite so well as live in the past. We cried for years over the trade of Rocky Colavito, until The Rock came back (and led us nowhere). Twenty years after he retired, people still thought Jim Brown could suit up and be as good as he ever was. There were people who didn't get mad at Art Modell for moving the Browns after the 1994 season because they were STILL mad at him for firing Paul Brown 30 years prior. We're constantly asking the Indians' front office to bring back Manny Ramirez or bring back Jim Thome every time either of them comes available, even though it will cost more than a Manhattan penthouse. And if only the Browns would add Bernie Kosar to the front office, things would be so much different.

Now Marty Schottenheimer is free again. And the idea of him returning to the Browns, either immediately or by 2008, is floating around. He's got to be better than Romeo Crennel, they say. He's fifth all-time in wins, they say. One of his San Diego assistants is already here, they say. He's familiar with the 3-4 defense the Browns use, they say.

Puh-leeze.

First of all, Marty is no spring chicken. He'll turn 64 in September. He's a year away and a half away from drawing Social Security checks in an era where NFL coaches are getting younger and younger. Second, his teams always find devastating ways to lose. Four times Marty's teams have posted the AFC's best record and lost a home playoff game: 1986 Browns, 1995 Chiefs, 1997 Chiefs, and the Chargers this past season. Third, Marty has coached in 327 games and never advanced to the Super Bowl. He's 5-13 in playoff games and hasn't won one since 1993.

But he's better than Romeo Crennel, they say!

Instead of embracing the past, it's time for a Cleveland team to embrace the future. You don't want Romeo around anymore? Fine. But look to someone new. The New Orleans Saints did it with Sean Payton, a 44-year-old who worked his way up through the coaching ranks before leading his team to the NFC Championship in his rookie year. The San Francisco 49ers look to be on the right track with Mike Nolan, a 48-year-old whose father was a 49ers coach and who worked his way up through the coaching ranks. The New York Jets did it with Eric Mangini, a 36-year-old who blossomed on the Bill Belichick coaching tree and led his team to the playoffs in his rookie season.

But in Cleveland, we immediately look to something that felt good years ago, something that wasn't even all that good to begin with. It's like looking back on a high-school relationship because nothing's going right in your life right now. Get back together and you're just inviting disaster. It's not going to be how it was, and while you're figuring that out you're messing up the present.

Time to stop living in the past, Cleveland fans. There's not much to root for in the present, but until you let go of the past you won't make it to the future anyway.

Totally irrelevent

By now you know who the 25 Most Important people in the Cleveland sports world are. You know that LeBron is No. 1 (and probably No. 1-10 in reality), that our team owners are in the Top 5, that our GMs are all in the Top 10, Ted Ginn Sr. is more important than Eric Wedge, and LeBron James' buddies are more important than any athlete in Cleveland save LeBron.

And you know why our teams just aren't all that good, since Cavs radio announcer Joe Tait made the list before Grady Sizemore, before Travis Hafner, before C.C. Sabathia, before Kellen Winslow Jr., before Charlie Frye, before Braylon Edwards, heck, before any athlete other than LeBron. When play-by-play guys and talk-show hosts (like No. 18 Mike Trivisonno) are making your city's most-important-people-in-sports lists before all but one of your athletes, well, you need a few more athletes. Heck, Jim Brown, who retired 40 years ago, is more important than any current Brown or Indian!

But what about the other side of the equation? What about the people who DON'T matter? What about the LEAST important people on the Cleveland sports scene?

Look no further. Well, no further than the end of this entry. Because here's the Top 10 Plus One LEAST Important People in Cleveland sports:

11. Lake Erie Monsters owner Dan Gilbert

-- OK, OK, Dan Gilbert was third on the PD's list of most important people in Cleveland sports. But that was Dan Gilbert, Cavs owner! If Dan Gilbert, Lake Erie Monsters AHL franchise founder, were ranked, he'd probably come in at #474, right after Beachwood High School basketball scorekeeper and P.A. announcer. How many times has hockey failed in this town? There were the Cleveland Barons, who lasted two years in the mid-1970s. Then there were the Lumberjacks, who shared Richfield Coliseum with the Cavs before moving to The Q and playing in front of miserable crowds until dying in 2001. Then there were the ill-fated AHL Cleveland Barons, who picked up where the Lumberjacks left off, right down to the sucky crowds. Now, two seasons after the Barons II folded, we've got the Monsters to look forward. The team history even includes the brand-new legend of the Lake Erie Monster, which has been sighted in Lake Erie several times over the past 75 years. Don't be surprised if that's about as many people as see the Lake Erie Monsters hockey team in action.

10. Usher
-- What happened to you, Usher? You joined forces with Dan Gilbert (presumably) when it came time to buy the Cavs. You supposedly had input into the in-game entertainment that's now all over The Q. You even introduced us to a new symbol (The Double C) almost two years ago by crossing your arms over your head and circling your hands into big "C"s. Then you vanished. Rumors flew that you never paid your bills, that you were out, that you and Dan Gilbert had a falling out. Maybe your Double C was actually your way of saying C U Later, cuz no one has! Every once in awhile we'll hear one of your songs at The Q, but that's about it. Actually, we hear your songs now more when high school basketball teams warm up, so at least you've still got some juice on that level.

9. King Headspin
-- Believe it or not, that guy on the Cavs' Scream Team who can spin on his head actually has a name. He's King Headspin. Boy, just like King James. You know, your trick was impressive once. For a week. Back in 1983, when breakdancing first broke. But spinning around on your head at center court of the Cavs game while we wait for LeBron to come back on the court really doesn't do much for us. Chicks in skimpy clothes dancing around before they head over to Christie's or Diamond's Men's Club before they go to work for the rest of the evening -- that we can get into. But, dude, YOU SPIN AROUND ON YOUR HEAD! You're a human top. Your overall unimportance keeps you from the top ranks of this list because you have a name (unlike some of the others on this list), and by writing this it allows a picture of your hot teammate to be posted. Congrats.

8. The cotton candy vendor at Cleveland Browns Stadium

-- Look, no one buys cotton candy at football games in the first place. IT'S A FREAKING FOOTBALL GAME! You should be buying beer or hot dogs or beer dogs or something along those lines. Cotton candy? Cotton candy should be sold in three places and three places only -- a county fair, a beach, and a church festival (and only if there are clowns there). Cotton candy has no place anywhere else, especially at a football game. Have you ever seen anyone buy cotton candy from the cotton candy guy at a football game? No, you haven't. This guy is totally irrelevent.

7. Jennie Finch
-- Jennie Finch has nothing to do with Cleveland sports. She led the U.S. Olympic Softball Team to the gold medal in 2004 and enjoyed a stellar pitching career at Arizona State University. She married Caisey Daigle, who was once a pitcher for the Arizona Diamondbacks. None of these things have anything to do with Cleveland sports. Yet Jennie Finch is only sixth on the list, because she is much more important to Cleveland sports than the next five people on this list. Plus it's a chance to post a cute picture of her.

6. Jeff Uhlenhake, Browns assistant offensive line coach
-- This requires a double-take. The Browns actually have an ASSISTANT offensive line coach? The team with one of the most maligned offensive lines of the 21st century actually uses more than one coach to get the worst out of the line? And not only is Jeff Uhlenhake an assistant offensive line coach, he's entering his THIRD YEAR in that position with the Browns. Apparently he has no voice in draft decisions, since the Browns have drafted just one offensive lineman during Uhlenhake's tenure. Jeff Uhlenhake has so little power, he would be made to wait for a table at Denny's.

5. That guy at the beer concession stand on the concourse behind Section 511 at Jacobs Field
-- One Bud after another, with the occasional Bud Light mixed in. At least they are poured smoothly. But, dude -- there's beer all over the concession stand! You're always overpouring! You have to wipe up the counter in between each pour! Watch out, or Larry Dolan's gonna get rid of you. You're costing him one beer for every five you pour.

4. The guy who calls WKNR every day to demand that the Browns fire Romeo Crennell and hire Bill Parcells, the Cavs trade Eric Snow and Ira Newble and a second-round draft pick for Kevin Garnett
-- Dude, IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! None of it. Stop calling. No one wants to hear you. You haven't said anything important since 1993.

3. The copy editor of the "For the Record" at The Plain Dealer
-- Beer-league softball scores! Division III basketball standings -- for men AND women! Ski-race results! THE TRANSACTIONS!! Well, at least they put point spreads on this page, making this guy not totally unimportant, but very close.

2.) Slider
-- The Indians official mascot (apparently no one would go for a guy dressed in red face with a feather in his slicked-back dark hair smiling a big, toothy grin) turns 17 this year. And nobody cares. Not when he's best known for falling off the outfield wall during the 1995 playoffs, tearing knee ligaments. THAT'S what he's best known for -- not his 12 appearances at the All-Star Game, not for his cameo on The Drew Carey Show, not for covering bald men's heads with his enormous beak, and for being nominated to the 2006 Mascot Hall of Fame. His description as a "big, purple-colored, hairy giant with yellow spots and eyebrows" does not help things. Let's face it, Slider has no power at all, not even over Cavs mascot Moondawg.

1.) Scott Pollard
-- The Cavs forward, signed in the offseason, has had more hairdos than points this season. The three points he scored Tuesday night give him a total of four for the season. He averaged 17½ minutes per game in his career before this year; his 27 minutes played so far this season have already knocked that down to close to an even 17. Even Alan Henderson, three years older and the guy who Pollard replaced, averaged 10 minutes per game for the Cavs and is getting almost 12 minutes a game with the 76ers. Not since Keith Hernandez has a free agent made less noise on the Cleveland sports scene. Scott Pollard has no power, not even at the McDonald's drive-thru.

An ouchie for LeBron

You'll see LeBron James wearing this uniform during the NBA All-Star Game in Las Vegas Feb. 18. As the leading vote-getter with more than 2.5 million, LeBron has the honor of showing what the EastErn Conference uniforms look like this year.

You won't see LeBron James wearing this uniform or any uniform tonight when the Cavs visit the Philadelphia 76ers for their big revenge match. That's because LeBron's big toe hurts.

He will play against the Phoenix Suns on Sunday, or say they say. Since the Suns are good (currently riding their second 15-game winning streak are the season), the Cavs will presumably need LeBron to avoid losing by 40. Of course, they WON'T need LeBron to avoid losing to the 76ers tonight. Right??

So don't worry, it's just a little thing, this big toe injury. All LeBron needs is a day of rest. Just like God. Or Atlas; he's tired from carrying this team like the weight of the world on his back. And we all know nothing like this ever turns into a long-term problem, not here in Cleveland.

RIP, Cavs

The Cleveland Cavaliers, an NBA basketball franchise founded by one-time Cleveland Indians owner Nick Mileti that was known for the "Miracle of Richfield", losing to Michael Jordan over and over again, and wasting a good portion of LeBron James' career, died Wednesday at home in their sleep. They were 37.

The Cavs, as they were affectionately known, died during a loss to the NBA's worst team, the Philadelphia 76ers. Initial reports labeled the cause of death as poor free-throw shooting, awful defense, and an inability to stop Andre Iguodala from scoring more than double his season average of 16.7 points per game. Many other excuses abounded, such as they were tired or it was just one of those things.

Many times during their 37 years the Cavaliers made the playoffs, only to bring heartbreak to their fans. The "Miracle of Richfield" team advanced to the Eastern Conference finals in the 1975-76 season, only to lose to the Boston Celtics in a series of dramatic finishes. Some blamed the loss on a broken foot that kept star center Jim Chones off the court. In the late 1980s and early 1990s, the Cavs suffered a series of losses to Michael Jordan's Chicago Bulls. The most memorable was labeled "The Shot", when Jordan's 20-footer over Craig Ehlo in Game 5 of the first-round Eastern Conference playoffs gave the Bulls a 100-99 win at the buzzer. Just one season ago, the Cavs had a chance to upset the defending champion Detroit Pistons in the Eastern Conference semifinals, but their inability to grab even one rebound among four missed Pistons shots in the final two minutes of Game 6 cost them the series. At the time, Cleveland said it would have many more chances and that they were an up-and-coming team.

But the chances were few. After a promising start to this season, the Cavs were sent on a seven-game West Coast trip earlier this month where they caught lazyitis. After winning two of their first three games on the trip, chartered flights with recliners, first-class hotels, and NBA groupies caught up with the team. They complained of tired legs as they lost games to the Seattle SuperSonics and Portland Trail Blazers, the two worst teams in the Northwest Division. The long flight that covered the 173 miles from Seattle to Portland and the fact that the Cavaliers were forced to play AGAIN on back-to-back nights was blamed for the loss to the Trail Blazers.

Upon returning home at the beginning of the week, again on a first-class flight, the Cavaliers remained tired and lethargic while trailing from start to finish against the Orlando Magic. It was the Magic's only win in its last six games.

Then, at 9:52 p.m. on Wednesday night, the lethargic Cavaliers finally died.

The team is survived by approximately 414,000 angry Clevelanders and six times that many in the Greater Cleveland area, and LeBron James' mother. It will be buried in a ceremony Saturday at Lake View Cemetary, next to the body of former Cleveland Indian Ray Chapman, who died after being struck by a pitch in the head in a 1920 baseball game.

Sodom -v- Gomorrah

Sodom and Gomorrah meet in the NFL playoffs today when the BaltimoreIndianapolis Colts visit the Cleveland BrownsBaltimore Ravens. No one in Cleveland will be turned into a pillar of salt for watching. Instead, we will be turned into seething little balls of hate, filled to the lips with bile and anger, fueled by the rage of watching eight years of bad Browns football coupled with visions of Art Modell, Bill Cowher, and Bill Belichick holding the Lombarty Trophy high over their heads.

Coming two days after the 20th anniversary of The Drive, it's all just too much.

Apparently we're supposed to feel sorry for Baltimore fans and root for them to get their revenge by whipping the Colts today. After all, then-owner Bob Irsay stole the Colts from Baltimore in the dead of night nearly 23 years. The Mayflower moving trucks used for the late-night theft immediately became a symbol of the screwed-over fan. Baltimore fans cursed their fate.

Thirteen years later, Art Modell moved the Browns there. Baltimore became what it hated, a city that would steal another city's team and have a good laugh about it. There were Art Modell and Maryland governor Paris Glendenning laughing it up on the podium announcing the Browns' move. Now, nearly 13 years after that, the Ravens play host to the team that moved from Baltimore in a playoff game.

Now the Ravens are beloved in Baltimore.

Perhaps if Cleveland stole some other city's teams, such as was rumored with the Minnesota Vikings in the late 1990s, we would be enjoying the success Ravens' fans are enjoying. Maybe if we didn't have to start over and instead nabbed a team like the New Orleans Saints whose owner has long wanted to move we would be back in the playoffs again. Heck, maybe if we made Ozzie Newsome stay here when the Browns left, we'd have a chance to make our second Super Bowl in the 21st century.

But no, we're left out in the cold again. The best we can root for is for Ray Lewis to be arrested on the field at halftime as the murder case in Atlanta in which he was involved seven years ago is reopened. Or for the egg that Peyton Manning bursts from in that Gatorade commercial to roll onto the field, scoop him up, and roll away. Or for Art Modell to suffer a heart attack in the first quarter -- unless the Ravens lose, in which case we want the heart attack to come at the end of the game.

Most likely, this will be the most entertaining playoff game of them all, one that is talked about for decades. It will probably be labeled an instant classic, as the Ravens defense scores a late touchdown, and then Peyton Manning overcomes his troubles to lead the Colts to the winning score at the buzzer.

And all Ravens fans will collapse in a fake malaise, while all Clevelanders continue to suffer in silence.

Root, root, root for which team?

The NFL playoffs have a distinctive Cleveland flavor, and it's the kind that makes us want to throw up like Nicole Richie after Thanksgiving dinner.

Just who do we root for this time around? Newly beloved Eagles quarterback Jeff Garcia, who actually embarrassed the embarrassing Browns during his short time here? The disgusting Baltimore Ravens? The always-ready-to-disappoint Marty Schottenheimer, whose teams have flamed out spectacularly in the playoffs not only here, but in Kansas City and San Diego as well? Or how about the New Orleans Saints, whose offensive line is anchored by center Jeff Faine, cast off by the Browns just before signing old New Orleans Saints center LeCharles Bentley? The Indianapolis Colts, whose move from Baltimore way back when opened the door for Art Modell to move our Browns there in the first place? Good ole Bill Belichick, the NFL's newest genius????

At least the Pittsburgh Steelers didn't make the playoffs. This year.

Browns fans have been dumped on so many times, we can't turn around without bumping into someone who's kicked us in the rear. We're like a puppy that was beaten for the first six months of its life; there's no one we trust. Except in our case, we've been beaten for the last 43 years or so.

But we can't spend our lives being bitter. We'll end up like those angry sports talk radio callers who are always yelling for the coach to be fired or the backup quarterback to start. We have to find the path to enlightment.

With that in mind, here's your guide for the rest of the playoffs -- the reasons both to root for and against each of the remaining teams.

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

Pros: Marty Schottenheimer's really one of us. He suffered the playoff losses to the Denver Broncos and held his head high. He's carried the stink of "Martyball" with him from the time he made Bernie Kosar hand the ball off to Kevin Mack and Earnest Byner over and over again. The label's hung with him as he's posted a 5-12 career playoff record. And tight end Antonio Gates is a Kent State product.

Cons: Rooting for Marty Schottenheimer is hazardous to your health. All Chargers games -- heck, all games Marty coaches -- should carry a Surgeon General's warning. Expect the worst when you root for one of Marty's teams, and you won't be disappointed.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

Pros: We treated Bill Belichick like a leper when he was here and would have chased him out of town if Art Modell didn't take our team away first. But he's reinvented himself in New England, and there's no questioning three Super Bowl titles in four years. You might not like Belichick, but the Patriots have been a class act led by quarterback Tom Brady. Plus offensive coordinator/quarterbacks Josh McDaniels is a John Carroll grad and Canton product.

Cons: The Patriots have won plenty already. And Bill Belichick WAS a real ass when he was here.

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

Pros: It's nice to see Jeff Garcia rise from the dead along with the Eagles. He's on the cover of the latest Sports Illustrated. And if we're lucky and the Eagles keep winning we'll get to see more pictures of Garcia's fiancee, Avon Lake native Carmela DeCesare. Plus the Eagles have cool univorms.

Cons: Until this year, Jeff Garcia had won just one game after leaving Cleveland, and that was AGAINST the Browns as quarterback of the Detroit Lions last year. And when he found himself in the middle of a catfight between his old and new girlfriends in the Warehouse District during the 2004 season, he did something no one thought could be done -- he embarrassed one of the NFL's most dysfunctional franchises.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

Pros: They're the new America's team. Reggie Bush is a rising star. The offensive is the best in league and fun to watch. And maybe the Browns did have a good offensive lineman after all in Faine.

Cons: It's just not fair. Why can teams continually go from worst to first, as long as they don't play the majority of their games in Cleveland. Plus, Jeff Faine anchors the offensive line. We all know the Browns haven't had any good offensive lineman since they returned!

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

Pros: Uh, they're nice guys? Starbucks is yummy?

Cons: They were just there last year!

CHICAGO BEARS

Pros: A kick-ass defense is what football is all about. Chicago is almost a sister city to Cleveland. Or at least a parent city, cuz it's the city we want to grow up to be. And though the Bears is one of the NFL's storied franchises, they've been fairly downtrodden over the last 10 years or so for their 1985 Super Bowl championship.

Cons: The Bears are still living off of that 1985 Super Bowl championship. Then there's the White Sox, Michael Jordan, and the World's Largest Tavern a.k.a Wrigley Field, where the Cubs perennially disappoint. They got plenty in Chicago, they don't need another Super Bowl title.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

Pros: Peyton Manning is one of the NFL's good guys, even if he does throw his offensive line or defense or idiot kicker under the bus every now and then. Tony Dungy is a class act. And they've been a fun offense to watch for years.

Cons: It's the Colts fault the Browns moved to Baltimore to begin with. First, they drafted John Elway, then didn't want to pay him enough money, so he held out and went to Denver. While there, he crushed Browns fans dreams. Then the Colts snuck out of Baltimore, leaving a gaping hole that Art Modell eventually filled.

BALTIMORE RAVENS

Pros: You've got to be kidding me! Screw the Ravens!!!!!

So here's your choices of who to root for -- either the Chargers, Bears, or Seahawks. It'll be just like rooting for the Browns if you root for the Chargers, since Marty Schottenheimer is sure to break your heart. If you don't want your heart broken, root for the Bears. One of you friends or one of your friends' kids is sure to move there for a job soon anyway and become a Bears fans. Safest of all is the Seahawks. They're the guilt-free choice in 2007.

The Year in Review

Part 2

Not much went right in the Cleveland sports world in 2006. Even the Cavs, who gave us our most excitement by winning a playoff series, started the year with a 14-15 record in January and February. Really, we enjoyed two-and-a-half good months in 2006 -- March, April, and part of May -- before everything spun out of control like Ricky Bobby in a NASCAR race.

Not only could our teams not do anything right, our players couldn't say anything right. Kellen Winslow Jr., our poster child for foot-in-mouth disease, contributed more than his share of outlandish quotes in 2006. But Braylon Edwards threatened to pass his teammate with what seemed like weekly proclamations.

The old standbys weren't the only ones to make our jaws drop by making their jaws drop, though. Mark Shapiro, Paul Dolan, Ramon Vazquez and plenty of others had something to say, and we soon had something to laugh at.

So here are the Top Cleveland Sports Quotes of 2006:

"We have an emotionally traumatized fan base. It's nothing that happened recently. It was when they went 40 years before winning. So now, they think:
'Oh, goodness! We're not going to win again for 40 years.'" -- Mark Shapiro, quoted in a Bill Livingston column in The Plain Dealer in February

That's Cleveland sports, summed up in three sentences. Sad thing is, Mark Shapiro's probably right.

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"This is my ultimate dream. Every day, I wished this could've happened. This is where my roots are and where I want to blossom… This is absolutely a dream come true. This is it for me right here. Now I can die happy ... I grew up watching Bernie Kosar and Webster Slaughter. I idolized those guys. I want to be that guy. I feel right now I'm going to be that guy." -- LeCharles Bentley upon signing with the Browns

Like every Cleveland sports dream, LeCharles Bentley's turned into a nightmare. When the turf jumped up to bite his knee on the first day of training camp it most likely ended his playing career. No one associated with the team will say anything, but rumors are that a staph infection has settled in and LeCharles won't be back for 2007. No other event symbolized this city's sports lucks more than this.

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“I predict Jim Thome is going to have a Jim Thome year (in 2006). He’s in top-notch shape and is still as good a hitter as he ever was.” -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Charlie Manual.

“I’m disappointed to see him in our division. The White Sox gave up a lot. They took a risk, but it’s a trade that could have a very high ceiling.” -- Shapiro

Jim Thome's final stats for the Chicago White Sox: .288 average, 42 HRs, 109 RBI, 108 runs scored. He only hit .214 against the Indians, but knocked in 14 runs.

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"What was inexcusable tonight was for me to give up. I'd like to apologize to my teammates, the fans, my family and whoever else was in the stands. That's the first time in my career that's happened to me. I just lost focus." -- Indians pitcher C.C. Sabathia after giving up eight runs in the third inning of a June game against the Chicago Cubs.

Don't worry, C.C., we gave up on the team long before you did.

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''I hate to be brash, but I think my 90 percent is still better than every tight end out there.'' -- Kellen Winslow Jr.

Winslow did finish ninth in the NFL in receptions, but he didn't make the Pro Bowl. And he does not hate to be brash.

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"I guess I'm shocked by it. I'm not sure I understand the economics of such a deal. It demonstrates that we have more work to do on the economic disparity within the game." -- Indians president Paul Dolan's reaction to the Boston Red Sox's payment of $51.1 million for the rights to negotiate with Japanese pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka.

Of course Paul Dolan was shocked -- it involved a bundle of money!

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"I don't feel like I embarrassed my teammates. I embarrassed myself to some extent. That's not my character. That's not me. Nobody knows me as that type of guy. I've always been the clean cut, quiet, well-spoken guy, so that wasn't me. I embarrassed myself a little bit and I feel I embarrassed this organization to some extent. I wish I could do it back, but I can't."

"All I did was show I cared about the game. All I did was show my passion for the game. It's not like I fought anybody. It's not like I gave the bird to somebody in the stands or anything like that. I was just showing passion about the game." -- Braylon Edwards, after getting into Browns QB Charlie Frye's face on the sidelines during a game

"We're coming after (the Steelers') ass," -- Braylon Edwards after the Browns beat the Atlanta Falcons

SILENCE -- Braylon Edwards by the end of the season

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"If we're ahead by 30, then I would like to see some of (Derek Anderson)," -- Browns head coach Derek Anderson, before he actually had to use Derek Anderson

Hey, Romeo, all the rest of us would like to see the Browns ahead by 30. First you have to SCORE 30, though.

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Jason Johnson is a "durable innings eater." -- Shapiro upon signing the journeyman pitcher.

All that eating gave us indigestion. Johnson went 3-8 with the Tribe before getting his release waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too late in the season. For some reason, after watching him post a 5.96 ERA with the Tribe, the Boston Red Sox and Cincinnati Reds thought Johnson could still pitch. Both tried him out. Johnson went 0-4 for Boston and didn't post a decision for the Reds. He finished with a 6.10 ERA.

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And the most ridiculous quote uttered by anyone wearing a Cleveland uniform this past year:

"I never got a fair shot here. Not this year or last year." -- Indians utility infielder Ramon Vazquez, upon being sent to Buffalo after hitting .209 in 67 at-bats and costing the Tribe Brandon Phillips

At least Vazquez got it right moments later when he said, "This has been a horrible year." Yes, Ramon, it sure has!

The Year in Review

Part 1

We began the year watching Bill Cowher hold the Super Bowl trophy high over his head. We'll most likely end 2006 watching the Browns finish with the third-worst record in the NFL. In between we watched ...

• ... Coco Crisp get traded to the Boston Red Sox.
• ... Larry Hughes get injured in two different seasons.
• ... No Browns make the Pro Bowl -- twice.
• ... the Cavs blow a chance to make the Eastern Conference finals.
• ... Brandon Phillips hit 17 homers and steal 25 bases for the Indians, errrrrr, Cincinnati Reds.
• ... Jim Thome hit a home run on opening day. And in the second game of the season. For the White Sox. AGAINST the Indians.
• ... Jason Johnson waaaaay too much.
• ... Fausto Carmona try to be a closer waaaaay too much.
• ... Another division rival (the Tigers) win another championship (the World Series).
• ... Browns would-be center LeCharles Bentley tear his patellar tendon on the first day of training camp.
• ... Maurice Carthon's man crush on Lawrence Vickers.
• ... Browns defensive back Gary Baxter tear BOTH his patellar tendons in a game.
• ... staph infection, 4, Cleveland Browns, zero.
• ... the Baltimore Ravens close in on a BETTER record than when they won the Super Bowl.
• ... Carlos Boozer and the Utah Jazz put together one of the NBA's best records.

And guess what? This wasn't the worst year in Cleveland sports history. Not even close!

Let's put it this way. If 2006 were the Titanic and Cleveland sports were the iceberg, the Titanic would have been sailing across the Pacific Ocean, Leonardo DiCaprio would be acting in porn under the name Leo the Cap, and Kate Winslet would be asking, "Paper or plastic?" This past year not only wasn't the worst in Cleveland sports history, in terms of wins and losses, it was one of the BEST!

Yes, chew on that. One of the best.

Since Jan. 1, our teams' collective record is 137-134. If the Cavs win one of their final two games or the Browns beat the Texans on New Year's Eve, we'll have actually enjoyed a winning year of sports. Sure the Indians had a lousy year, but they finished just a few games under .500 at 78-84. The awful Browns are 3-12. But the Cavs have saved us, with a 16-11 mark this season and a 39-28 mark (including playoffs) for the 2006 portion of the 2005-2006 season.

The current .506 winning percentage ranks 11th best among years since 1970, when our three-team sporting era began. It just feels worse since we're well off the pace of last year's 142-118 mark -- the fourth-best since 1970.

Which begs the question: What exactly were the best and worst years for Cleveland sports since the Cavs were born in 1970? GHCS has devised a not-so-scientific formula to figure it out.

We simply added up each of our team's record in each calendar year, playoffs included. A good season by the Indians or Cavs can skew the total since they play so many games, so we put a qualifier on the worst seasons. To meet the criteria for worst seasons, each of our teams must have finished .500 or worse, and there could be no playoff games played by our teams that calendar year. Simple as that.

So here are your Five Worst Years in Cleveland Sports History, Three-Team Era:

1. 1982, (95-157 .377 winning percentage)
-- A totally forgettable year, and not just for Cleveland sports. Can you remember ANYTHING that happened in 1982? Heck, even The A-Team wouldn't debut on NBC for another year and Len Barker's perfect game came the year before. The NFL would rather forget -- a strike wiped out half the season. The Browns finished 4-5 and made the playoffs because half the league made the playoffs. But 1982 still qualifies because the playoff game wasn't until 1983! And neither was the Browns last game; they actually went 4-4 in games played in calendar year 2002. Meanwhile, the Indians went 78-84 while the Cavs were 13-69 in 1982, which spanned two unforgettable seasons in which the Cavs lost a combined 126 games.

The skinny: Browns 4-4 (Brian Sipe 4 TD, 8 INT); Indians 78-84 (Andre Thornton 32 HRs; Len Barker 15-11); Cavs 15-67 in 1981-82, 23-59 in 1982-83 (World B. Free 24.2 ppg in 1982-83).

2. 1991 (104-155, .402)
-- The opposite of 1982 in that it was memorable for so much more than wins and losses. And there were a lot of losses! The Indians suffered their worst season ever, finishing 57-105. The Browns began the Bill Belichick era with a 6-10 mark. And the Cavs would up one season with a 33-49 mark. They began the 1991-92 season with much more hope, finishing with a team-record 57 wins before bowing out to Michael Jordan on The Shot in the playoffs. Hey, at least Jordan proclaimed the Cavs, "The Team of the '90s!"

The skinny: Browns 6-10 (Bernie Kosar 18 TD, 9 INT; Kevin Mack 726 rushing yards); Indians 57-105 (Albert Belle 28 HRs, 95 RBI); Cavs 41-40 (OK, so we cheated a bit, since the Cavs did finish the calendar year over .500) in midst of 33-49 and 57-25 campaigns (the foundation for The Team of the '90s is laid).

2. 1984 (105-152, .409)
-- The Cavs were in the midst of nine straight losing seasons, the Browns were still living off the glory of the Kardiac Kids lucky 1980 seasons, and the Indians hadn't finished higher than fourth place since 1968. The early 1980s were truly the dark days of Cleveland sports. In fact, 1983 and 1981 would be on this list as well if not for the Browns playoff games played in each of those calendar years. (Two games the team lost, of course). In 1984, the Indians went 75-87, the Browns 5-11, and the Cavs 25-54. Though the collective record was better than in 1982, you could make a case that 1984 was a worse year because all the teams were so lousy. At least in 1982 the Browns were basically a .500 team. But the strike pushes 1982 to the top of the list of bad worst Cleveland sports years.

The skinny: Browns 5-11 (Paul McDonald 14 TD, 23 INT; Boyce Green (???) 673 yards rushing); Indians 75-87 (Andre Thornton 33 HR, 99 RBI; Bert Blyleven 19-7); Cavs 25-54 in midst of 28-54 and 36-46 seasons (World B. Free 22.5 ppg in both seasons).

3 & 4. 1974-1975 (combined 236-269, .467)
-- The 1970s were to Cleveland what a black hole is to the universe, just a giant cosmic force sucking the life and light out of everything around it. By the middle of the decade our teams had succumbed. Our beloved Browns, dominant in the 1950s and 1960s, won just seven games in 1974 and 1975 combined. The Cavs and Indians weren't horrible, generally hanging around the .500 mark, but their mediocrity presaged a decade which saw the city slide into bankruptcy and become the butt of jokes on nightly talk shows.

The skinny: Browns 4-10/3-11 (the Mike Phipps era -- 13 TD, 36 INT); Indians 77-85/79-80 (George Hendrick 43 HRs, Gaylord Perry 27 wins); Cavs 73-83 while going 29-53 in 1973-74, 40-42 in 1974-75 and 49-33 in 1975-76 (Austin Carr, Bingo Smith, Lenny Wilkens, and Jim Chones among the team's scoring leaders).

5. 1970 (93-121, .434)
-- They talk about the curse of Rocky Colavito. They talk about God hating Cleveland sports. But was the city really cursed by the birth of the Cavs? Were the Cavs a Damian-like force, as outlined in The Omen later in the decade? We had good teams throughout the 1950s and '60s. The Browns won championships, the Indians made World Series and battled for first place many times. But then came 1970, the Cavs, and the downfall of a once great city sportscape. It's only fifth among worst years in Cleveland sports history, but it might very well be where it all began. After all, the Browns had enjoyed 13 straight winning seasons before going .500 when the Cavs joined the scene.

The skinny: Browns 7-7 (Bill Nelsen 16 TD, 16 INT; Leroy Kelly 656 rushing yards); Indians 76-86 (Graig Nettles 26 HRs, Sam McDowell 20-12); Cavs 10-28 in first half of inaugural season (Walt Wesley 17.7 pgg).

6. 1995
-- OK, it doesn't meet the criteria. The Indians were good -- waaaaaaaaaaaaaay good -- and at the beginning of a run that felt like a teenager discovering sex. A 109-50 season and World Series berth? The Cavs were pretty good, too, with winning years in both 1994-95 and 1995-96. Ah, but the Browns. Art Modell announced that the team was moving to Baltimore and all hell broke lose. On one hand you've got one of the greatest Indians seasons in 100-plus years. On the other hand you've got the worst Browns season ever. Charles Dickens was right, it really was the best of times and the worst of times.

HONORABLE MENTION
2002 -- 106-157 (.403) combined mark, with Indians going 74-88 and Cavs 23-62, but Browns' 9-7 mark which earned them a playoff spot kept this year from being among the worst ever.

2003 -- 95-166 (.364) combined mark. This is actually the second-worst yearly winning percentage since 1970, but that Browns-Steelers playoff game eased the pain, right???

So what were the best records? 1994, 1995, and 1996. Thanks to the Indians boon and The Team of the '90s, Cleveland teams posted a collective .614 mark in 1994, .599 mark in 1996, and .588 in 1995.

1994 looks farther away every year.

Pro Bowl = No Bowl

The NFL has announced its Pro Bowl rosters, and once again not a single Cleveland Brown heard his name called.

In other news, everyone in the country has had premarital sex, scientists still have not found life on Mars, anti-tobacco ads have subliminal messages encouraging kids to smoke, and the Cavs can't can't win on the road. Or against the Pistons. Or in the second of back-to-back games.

But really, pick a Brown for the Pro Bowl and you're likely to end up with the tree from the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. Save Kellen Winslow, who leads all tight ends with 76 catches, Browns players deserve to go to the Pro Bowl as much as Santa Claus deserves to go to jail.

No one's complaining though. The Browns offer Pro Bowl selectors about as nutrition as a McDonald's menu. Charlie Frye's 23rd in passer rating and has a broken wrist. Reuben Droughns isn't even among the top 30 in rushing yards. Winslow, despite his 76 catches, doesn't crack the top 30 in receiving yards. Braylon Edwards is 23rd in receiving yards, but out of the top 30 in receptions. Phil Dawson has more field goals than just eight other regular kickers. Dave Zastudil is just average, ranking 13th in punting. Even the once-great Joshua Cribbs has dropped to 11th in kick returns.

And on defense? Kamerion Wimbley and Andra Davis crack the top 20 in sacks and tackles, respectively, while Sean Jones is top 10 in interceptions. But being merely good for a bad team won't cut it.

This year's exclusion makes eight years back for the Browns and one Pro Bowler. That was Jamir Miller in 2001. Then again, why would Browns fans want anyone else to go to the Pro Bowl when Jamir blew out his Achilles' the following preseason and never played another down in the regular season.

Even sadder, each of the Browns' final two opponents has a Pro Bowler despite records no better than the Browns. At least we'll get to see Tampa Bay's Ronde Barber this week and Houston's Andre Johnson next week. Johnson leads the league in receptions and is sixth in receive yards. Barber's been there three straight years and four out of the last five.

Us, we'll stick with the streaks that God's saddled us with. Forty-two years since a championship. Four straight years without a Pro Bowler. And what looks like a long road ahead.