NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Browns stink, rivalry doesn't

They think no one in Cleveland cares about the Browns-Steelers rivalry anymore. They think that just because our team has stunk for close to a decade, just because Ohio State has become our de facto pro football team (especially with THE Ohio State University beating Michigan in the Greatest Game of All Time© being played this weekend), just because the Steelers have dominated the Browns and are the defending Super Bowl champions, they think that no one cares anymore.

Wrong.

We just don't care about the game anymore.

But remember what your current punter, Chris Gardocki, did, Steeler fans? Back in 2000 he flipped off the Steelers sideline, telling your jawhead coach Bill Cowher and the rest of the Steelers what he thought of them after the Steelers gave Gardocki a few cheapshots. That's your punter telling you what the rest of us here in Cleveland think about Pittspuke.

Oh, sure, we've got plenty of things to distract us. We've got the soon-to-be-national-champion Buckeyes. There's that Cleveland native Troy Smith who's about to win the Heisman Trophy. We've got Lebron and his James Gang (what, they have the best record in the Eastern Conference??). We've got the high school football playoffs. We've got Grey's Anatomy.

It's just hard to get worked up for a game when we put our hearts, our souls, our money, and our time into rooting for a team that never pays us back. (That's you, Browns, by the way!!) It's hard to really care about a team that has won 2, 3, 7, 9, 5, 4, 6, and this year 3 games since it returned from limbo.

But it's never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER hard to get worked up over the Browns-Steelers rivalry. Even Braylon Edwards, who didn't even play in last year's Christmas Eve game won by the Steelers 41-0, knows this.

Just the smell that comes into our city whenever Pittsburgh fans come to watch their team is enough to piss us off for six months. The games? Hey, we've been getting clobbered, but what can you do when God hates your sports teams?

But the rivalry? The rivalry! You can almost hear Colonel Kurtz in Apocalypse Now replacing "horror" with "rivalry" in his famous speech: "It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what rivalry means. Rivalry has a face ... and you must make a friend of rivalry. ... The rivalry ... The rivalry."

And here's the Top 7 moments for the last seven years of Browns vs. Steelers:

7. STEELERS SCREWED

Browns draft bust Courtney Brown records his career-high third sack when he plants Steeler stiff QB on the 6-yard line with 14 seconds to go and the Browns up three. With the Steelers out of time outs, time runs out and the Browns win 23-20. Later in the week, NFL senior director of officiating Jerry Seemen tells the Steelers that the referees should have stopped the clock to spot the ball, which would have most likely given Pittsburgh enough time to try a hurried game-tying field goal. But tough luck, Steelers -- they finish a game behind the Colts for the final playoff spot.

6. COWHER LIES

Bill Cowher needed to lie to his players to fire them up in order to win the first game the Browns played when they returned to the NFL in 1999. Cowher told Browns officials not to introduce the Steelers prior to the game, then told his players the Browns refused to introduce them. He must have known his crummy team would only finish 6-10 that year.

5. FLIPPED OFF

Chris Gardocki flips off Cowher and the Steelers' sideline, giving voice to the feelings of every person in Greater Cleveland.

4. DAWSON KICKS STEELERS IN THE GUT

Even though the Browns sucked, THIS one mattered -- Phil Dawson ran onto the field as the clock wound down, the Browns out of time outs. His 39-yard field goal split the Three Rivers Stadium uprights as time expired, giving the Browns an amazing 16-15 victory over the Steelers just nine games after the Steelers whipped the Browns in their return to the NFL. Apparently Cowher forgot to lie to his players before this game.

3. PORTER EXCUSED

If you can't beat 'em, kick 'em out! That's the tact William Green took with Joey Porter before the game in Cleveland in Nov. 2004. Porter likes to get riled up in warmups, and this time he supposedly spat on William Green. That led to swings, which led to ejections for both players -- a pretty fair trade!

2. SLAMMED

Hey, who wouldn't get drunk and run on the field in a 43-0 game? Nathan Mallett found out why maybe you shouldn't do it when Steelers linebacker Jerome Harrison body-slammed him and held him for police. But the best thing about it was Mallett's punishment -- he was sent to jail and didn't have to watch the Steelers win the Super Bowl earlier this year. Not only that, he is never allowednever has to go to a Browns game again!! Justice was definitely served.

1. GOD HATES CLEVELAND SPORTS RIVALRIES

Not only do the Browns blow a 12-point lead in the final 10 minutes, they do it in a wild-card playoff game against TOMMY FREAKING MADDOX. And you can believe it's not just any old choke job. It took a Dennis Northcutt drop of a pass that would have given the Browns a first down in the final minutes and most likely taken away any chance of a Steeler comeback. Northcutt and Ryan Tucker are the only two Browns starters from that game who remain on the team.

So there you have it. The rivalry still lives, even if this one hasn't provided any Greatest Game of All Time© over the past seven years. You can bet this one will give us yet another highlight, even if God makes it a bad one for the Browns.

Steel hurtin'

This one's for you, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette ...

Straight from the W.W. Jacobs files of "be careful what you wish for" comes this year's Browns-Steelers game. Remember his story "The Monkey's Paw" that we all read in ninth grade? (Well, all of us outside Pittsburgh. They were still working on their McGuffey's Readers in high school.) In case you don't, here's the summary, using small words to help Steelers fans understand. Whoever possesses a certain monkey's paw talisman is granted three wishes. Mr. and Mrs. White receive the paw and all their wishes have horrible consequences, including the death of their son.

It looks Browns fans received their wish this season, W.W. Jacobs fashion. "Please, please, please God, make us as good as those awesome Pittsburgh Steelers!" we prayed. "If only we could be as good as a Super Bowl champion. It's all we've ever wanted!"

Wish granted, Browns fans! Suddenly the Browns are just as good as the Steelers. Of course you expected Rod Serling to appear and deliver the cruel twist of fate, didn't you? The Browns are finally as good as the Steelers BECAUSE THE STEELERS SUCK!!!!

Yes, this year's first Browns-Steelers game is a battle for last place. And who can't get excited about that, especially the day after the Greatest Game of All Time© is played in Columbus? Well, other than Braylon Edwards? Sure, the Steelers have beat the Browns nine out of the last 10 times. Sure, the Steelers have shut out the Browns three times since our return to the NFL in 1999. Sure, the Browns haven't scored more than 12 points in a home game against the Steelers since the turn of the century. None of that matters. God has granted us our wish.

Things are so bad that Steelers head coach Bill Cowher is talking about retiring. See what happens when the Browns catch up with you? Let's check out the scoreboard heading into Sunday's matchup: same record (3-6), our Evel Knievel wannabe is second in the league in receptions while theirs is 22nd in the league in passer rating, and the Browns have given up less points than the Steelers so far this year (184-207). Who wouldn't want to retire staring at all that, Super Bowl trophy in hand or not.

And here you thought God hated Cleveland sports.

Are you there, God? It's me, Cleveland

So the Cavs just handed the San Antonio Spurs only their 20th home loss in the last three-plus seasons. The Browns fired jinx Maurice Carthon and won a game. The Indians, uh, they had lunch with Luis Gonzalez!

Maybe things are looking up for Cleveland sports. Maybe God has stopped hating our teams. Or maybe God never really hated our teams at all. Turns out a fisherman off the coast of New Jersey recently hauled in an interesting catch. He found a bag full of letters intended for God, some dating back to 1973, that had been put into a shopping bag and dumped into the ocean.

Let's see. We haven't won any sports championships since 1964. Since 1973, all these prayers to God have gone unanswered. A nine-year drought, no big deal. We can understand that. Happens all the time, even to the Yankees. But 40-plus years is Moses-wandering-in-the-desert territory. That's when you start looking at otherworldly causes. Could some prayers from Cleveland sports fans have been floating in that bag?

What if some kid in Maple Heights asked God to help the Browns beat the Broncos and make the Super Bowl back in the '80s? What if someone in Bedford thought a request to God would help the Indians beat the Marlins in the 1997 World Series and make her grandfather happy? What if some anonymous soul in North Ridgeville thought that a letter to God would help Butch Davis lead the Browns to a Super Bowl?

And what if the letters from Denver, from Florida, from Pittsburgh, from Baltimore -- what if all those letters got through and didn't wind up in a shopping bag in the Atlantic Ocean??

It's bad enough to think that God hates your sports teams. It's even worse to find out that your arguments haven't even had a chance to sway Him. If our letters ended up in that bag in the ocean, it's like a lawyer being banned from the Supreme Court. Not only has the decision been rendered, but we don't even get a chance to argue in our favor. Not only would we have no hope, but we would have no hope of having hope.

At least they found the letters just as the NBA season started. Let's hope God gets the delivery in time to save Lebron's patellar tendons.

The curse of ... Maurice Carthon??

Take a look at that picture up there. That's New York Jets tight end Chris Baker making a tying touchdown catch at the end of the game against the Browns yesterday -- maybe. Baker caught the ball but didn't land inbounds, mostly thanks to the hit Browns safety Brodney Pool laid on him. The officials ruled that Baker would not have landed inbounds anyway, and that call was not reviewable. Score one for the Browns.

But take a look at the picture. No, you can't see the sidelines. You can't determine whether Baker would have landed inbounds. But that's not the point. It's all about what you DON'T see in the picture.

No Maurice Carthon!

That's right, banished along with ex-offensive coordinator Maurice Carthon were all the Browns troubles. Carthon went away and in came Reuben Droughns' first 100-yard rushing game of the season and the Browns' second-highest point total of the year. And their second win. All against a team with a winning record. Bye, bye, Maurice Carthon, hello playoffs!

Maybe it actually was all Maurice Carthon's fault and not God's. Some amazing never-before-seen photos point to this. In Abraham Zapruder-like fashion, photos from past Cleveland sporting events seem to support this "grassy knoll" theory. Take a look at these pictures provided EXCLUSIVELY to God Hates Cleveland Sports and see if you notice anything conspiratorial.

EXHIBIT A: THE CATCH

We all know that Willie Mays made the most amazing catch in baseball postseason history in Game 1 of the 1954 playoffs between the juggernaut Indians and the upstart San Francisco Giants. We all know Mays caught the ball in dead center field in the Polo Grounds in the top of the eighth of a tie game, sparking the Giants to a series sweep.

But this digitally enhanced, never-before-seen photo shows the REAL reason the Indians were upended in 1954. Look at who's sitting in the front row in center. He's three seats in from the right. He's staring straight at Willie Mays.

IT'S MAURICE CARTHON!!!

EXHIBITS B AND C:
THE DRIVE AND THE FUMBLE

And all this time, we thought Maurice Carthon's influence over the Browns only extended back to the beginning of last season. How wrong we were. Now, these pictures are very grainy. But thanks to our computer picture enhancing techniques, we were able to capture these two shots of those infamous AFC Championship games against the Denver Broncos in the 1980s.

First, if you look just over the right shoulder of the Brown pursuing John Elway during The Drive in 1987, you will see a previously unreleased image of MAURICE CARTHON STALKING THE BROWNS' SIDELINES!

A year later, just as Earnest Byner fumbled the ball away on the Broncos' goal line as the Browns tried to tie the game in the closing minutes, MAURICE CARTHON APPEARED ON THE BROWNS' SIDELINE AGAIN!

This incontrovertible evidence shows just how much Maurice Carthon has jinxed Cleveland sports through the years -- especially the Browns.

EXHIBIT D: THE SHOT

Until now, Michael Jordan got all the credit for beating the Cavs in 1989. However, our enhanced digital technology has uncovered the truth.

And no wonder it took all this time. How could any individual be picked out from the sea of people at the other end of the court? But there he is, front row just to the right of the key -- MAURICE CARTHON!

All these years we thought it was the Cavs who created Michael Jordan. But it was really Maurice Carthon. Just like Mr. Glass in Unbreakable, it's Maurice Carthon who created all of Cleveland's arch-villains. He made Elway Elway and he made Jordan Jordan, just by being there.

EXHIBIT E:

THE RENTERIA

If you blinked, you missed him. But Maurice Carthon found himself in Florida for Game 7 of the 1997 World Series and decided to take in the game. Somehow he got himself down in the photographer's pit along the third-base line.

You know what happened then.

Sources tell GHCS that they are investigating other ignominious moments in Cleveland history, such as the Cuyahoga River catching on fire, the Hough riots, and the East Ohio Gas Explosion to see if Maurice Carthon indeed played a role. If it is true that Maurice Carthon has cursed Cleveland and not God, then perhaps we have exorcised our demons just in time for the Cavs season.

We've seen this before

Even God's running out of ideas.

The Browns are a television show that's aired far too long. There's no original material left; plot lines repeat themselves. Offensive line stinks? Did that one during season one. And two. And three. Can't score? An ongoing theme. Ruptured patellar tendon? Hell, we already did that story in the first episode of this season -- but let's do it again and make it twice as bad!

Just like Bailey was always worried about falling off the wagon, just like Ross and Rachel ran circles around each other for 10 years, just like every doctor on ER is doing the same thing all the other doctors on ER did a decade ago even though they are all different doctors, nothing ever changes for the Browns. They still can't block. They still can't score. They still have a crummy offensive coordinator. They still have a quarterback who just ain't that good. And nothing changes. Everyone just finds different excuses.

When this same team returned from the dead seven seasons ago, we had a mobile quarterback who ran for his life behind a crummy offensive line. In his first season, when he played 15 games, Tim Couch completed 15 passes and threw 13 interceptions while completing 55.9% of his 399 passes. Karim Abdul-Jabbar and Terry Kirby were the Browns' top backs while Kevin Johnson and Darrin Chiaverini led the team in receptions. Those guys can't even get into the Hall of Fame with tickets.

Now Charlie Frye has actual talent to throw to, but in 11 starts hasn't even shown signs of being as good as Tim Couch. Frye has completed 60.8% of his 365 passes for 10 touchdowns and 15 interceptions. The great scrambler has gained only 131 yards on 38 tries for a 3.4 average. Four went for touchdowns. Tim Couch? He ran 39 times for 278 yards and one touchdown that first season. That's TWICE as many yards.

If Charlie Frye were from Willard, Missouri instead of Willard, Ohio, we'd be calling for Ken Dorsey by now.

Seriously, we are repeating the first season of Browns 2.0. We just replaced the guys who play the main characters. They did it with Darin on Bewitched, they do it with James Bond, they did it with Becky on Roseanne (even bringing back the original actress to replace her replacement (the ever hot Sarah Chalke, now on Scrubs)), and they're doing it with the Browns.

Charlie Frye IS Tim Couch. Center Hank Fraley IS Jim Pyne. Wide receiver Joe Jurevicius IS Darrin Chiaverini. Head coach Romeo Crennell IS Chris Palmer. Kicker Phil Dawson is, well, Phil Dawson. It's just different characters playing the same role, doing the same things they did seven years ago. Don't forget, that 1999 Browns team won two games, just like this one will!

Unfortunately, hardly anyone IS good. So we're banished by God to remake hell, forced to watch the same thing over and over -- miserable loss after miserable loss. Welcome to Dante's 10th level of Hell, Cleveland sports.

Crashing the party

Imagine talking to the prettiest girl at the party all night long. Imagine her interest in you as you make her laugh, as you compliment her dress, as you admire her hair. Imagine her smiling as you talk about how good she is at her job, about her favorite rock and roll band, about her crazy yet irrepressibly beloved mother. Imagine her touching your arm, sharing her phone number, and talking about going to see her favorite rock and roll band when it comes to town next week.

Then imagine the front door bursting open as a young, strapping, semifashionable young man enters carrying a bottle of champagne wrapped in a bow. He smiles as he enters the room, and you see all eyes on him. You see him scan the room, then lock eyes with the prettiest girl in the room -- the girl you have been chatting with all night. Eyes on the prize, he moves in. You're left standing alone against the wall.

Now imagine being a Cleveland Indians fans and watching the Detroit Tigers knock off the New York Yankees in the first round of the playoffs. Imagine watching catcher Pudge Rodriguez spray champagne on the fans through the net behind home plate; imagine watching Jim Leyland kiss his wife through the net, then kiss a drunk Tiger fan on the hat; imagine hearing a sellout crowd roaring with delight.

After yesterday, there's no imagining required. The Tigers are that young, strapping, semifashionalbe young man who have entered the room carrying a bottle of champagne with their eyes on the prize. After 14 consecutive losing seasons and no playoff appearances in 20 years, the Tigers now have claws once again.

Meanwhile, the Indians and their fans are sitting along the wall, all alone, wondering how everything has slipped away. After all, didn't the Tribe do everything right? Didn't they harvest the farm system, lock up their young players, and put together a top offense? Didn't the Indians' brain trust, spearheaded by GM Mark Shapiro, put a plan into place to spur the Indians back into contention?

Remember when after the Florida Marlins beat the Indians in the 1997 World Series, then sold off their team, then-GM John Hart said the Tribe would remain a contender by doing things "the right way"? Of course, the Marlins won another World Series before the Indians even got back to one.

And now the Tigers have vaulted to the top, right where the Indians thought they would be. So the Indians will enter Year 5 of the sped-up rebuilding plan trying to build around the edges of what they already view as a championship contender. They'll keep chatting up the prettiest girls, like B.J. Ryan, like Trevor Hoffman, like Nomar Garciaparra, and hope that strapping young men like the Tigers don't keep crashing the party and stealing away the prize. Maybe the Indians need to call Charles Atlas and stop playing the role of 97-pound weakling.

The Art of revenge

For one day, all Cleveland fans should move to Philadelphia. On Sunday, their Art Modell returns.

Today Terrell Owens returns to Philly, just one season after one season after trying to sabotage the franchise. Heck, one season? Try five games into the next season. What do you think will happen in a city where they once booed Santa Claus at a game? Not only does TO have a running, high schoolish rivalry with Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb -- ooooh, did he receive my text message??? -- but he was suspended from the Eagles halfway through last season as Philly coach Andy Reid cut off his nose to spite his face. And now his return has inspired extra security at the Dallas Cowboys/Eagles game Sunday.

It's the revenge scenario Clevelanders dreamed about but never experienced once Art Modell moved the Browns to Baltimore. For years afterward, Modell never came back to town to watch a Ravens/Browns game, for fear that he would be killed, or worse. From the moment Modell announced the Browns were moving, Cleveland Municipal Stadium became hostile territory for Art, what with "Jump Art" signs and corporate sponsors removing their advertising. It inspired the Art Modell Death Watch (1995 until forever).

These types of things happen everywhere except Cleveland. A-Rod came back to Seattle and Texas after asking out of both places. Pat Riley returned to New York to face "Benedict Riley" signs after leaving the team he took to the NBA Finals. Bill Parcells left the New England Patriots the night after he led them to the Super Bowl, then returned as New York Jets coach. We were able to shower fake dollar bills on Albert Belle and boo Jim Thome, but our Joker, our Lex Luthor, and our Green Goblin all rolled into one never came back to face the music.

Remember those "Jump Art" signs? Remember the fans ripping seats out of the stadium after the real Browns last home game? Remember the Sports Illustrated cover showing a caricature of Art punching a Browns fan in the stomach? All we wanted was revenge. All we wanted was Art to come back to face the music, sitting in his luxury box with palm pressed to forehead while the new Browns took on the real Browns. Even if the Baltimore Ravens won, no one would have cared as long as we were able to spend three hours booing Art Modell.

It was never going to happen. It wasn't death Art was afraid of, but bad PR, bad television. You can bet the NFL's TV partners advised Art not to return, because they would broadcast three hours of Cleveland revenge. Even if the Browns couldn't beat the Ravens -- which rarely happens, as the Ravens are 10-5 against the new Browns -- it wouldn't matter. We would hate on Art Modell like he was an old girlfriend who had wronged us, and came back thinking everything was all right.

But we couldn't even get that. Art never came back, the Browns have sucked ever since, and Modell got his Super Bowl championship in 2001. Not since Han Solo was encased in carbonite and the Empire had seemingly destroyed the Rebel forces had anyone so evil came out on top. Art never did come back for any football games, but what did it matter after 2001? The Ravens won, Art got over, and we never even got to release our anguish through booing.

Philly fans get a different treat. Donovan McNabb will carry Philly's everyman on his back tomorrow, as he gets a chance to stick it to his, and every Philadelphian's, playground rival. They've even got a good team which is favored to beat the Cowboys.

But not in Cleveland. In Cleveland, we're left with blue balls and the unendearing image of Art Modell dancing with Ray Lewis while celebrating a Super Bowl championship in Baltimore. We're left with pictures of the girl we loved and treated like a queen for her entire life leaving for no reason and hooking up with the prom king and former quarterback whose done nothing but stick his rocklike jaw out and smile his whole life. We're left with a rotten taste in our mouths that nothing has washed away in half a decade, and most likely nothing ever well. We're left, like usual, holding a bagful of empty promises and broken dreams.

Ex-Indians doom Padres

Stay classy, San Diego. You're going to need to after your Padres get bounced out of the playoffs by the St. Louis Cardinals. That's the only thing that will get you through the next six months. You see, you are about to get bounced by the St. Louis Cardinals, the team that played out the final 10 days of the season as if MLB still played a 154-game schedule.

The Cardinals held a 7½-game lead over the Houston Astros the next-to-last week of the season. Heading into the final weekend, St. Louis was in a virtual tie with the Astros, leading by just a half game. But the Cards did just enough -- in effect, watch Houston lose on television -- to sneak into the playoffs and avoid the Greatest Choke Ever.™ Now the Cards have the worst odds of any of the NL teams for making the World Series. And the Padres are 8:5 favorites to bounce the perennial NL Central champs.

It's not going to happen. While we don't know who will win the World Series, we definitely know who won't. That's the Padres. The GHCS Playoff Formula tells us that.

It's quite simple, actually. Just figure out which team has the most ex-Cleveland ballplayers, and eliminate it. In the case of ties, whichever team has the players who played in Cleveland most recently will lose. And the Padres, with six former Indians, head the list. Any team with that much bad karma simply can't last.

Here's what the GHCS Playoff Formula predicts for the playoffs this year:

NATIONAL LEAGUE DIVISION SERIES

St. Louis Cardinals over San Diego Padres -- Even though they picked up Ronnie Belliard from the Indians at midseason, the Cardinals have just two former Tribesmen. Jose Vizcaino (179 ABs in 1996) is the other. Belliard wasn't quite able to wash the stink of 390 games played for the Indians since 2004, hitting just .237 in 194 ABs for St. Louis.

But Belliard and Vizcaino are trumped by the six Padres who once sported the Chief Wahoo logo: Brian Giles (1995-1998), Rudy Seanez (1989-1991), Josh Bard (2002-2005), Russell Branyan (1998-2002), Alan Embree (1992, 1995-1996), and Dave Roberts (1999-2001). That's 857 games worth of Tribe experience, and that just can't be overcome. The Padres will drown in a sea of Cleveland ineptitude.

Los Angeles Dodgers over New York Mets -- The Dodgers have a huge decision to make. Do they make Einar Diaz (1996-2002) active for the playoffs? If they do, that makes three ex-Indians on the squad, along with Kenny Lofton (1992-1996, 1998-2001) and Jeff Kent (1996). And the Mets would have just two, Guillermo Mota (2006) and Julio Franco (1983-1988!, 1996-1997).

Since Einar only got three ABs for the Dodgers, all in September, odds are he won't make the postseason roster. That's why we're picking L.A. to upend the Mets. If the Dodgers are at all tempted to go with Einar -- say, maybe Russell Martin or Toby Hall were vaporized by invading aliens just before the first game of their series -- they need to realize just how much the decision could cost them. They already made a wise decision months ago by trading Sandy Alomar to the White Sox. Keeping only Lofton and Kent will make them favorites over the Mets, since Mota helped destroy the Tribe bullpen just this year and since Lofton was a pretty darn good Indian.

AMERICAN LEAGUE DIVISION SERIES

Detroit Tigers over New York Yankees -- The toughest call of all. Each team has only one ex-Indian, Sean Casey (1997) for the Tigers and Jaret Wright (1997-2002) for the Yankees. Since Wright had a much longer tenure and may very well have the Yankees' playoff fate in his hands by starting the fourth game of this series, that's bad news for New York fans. Casey's 10 at-bats with the Tribe at the beginning of his career don't bring the taint with it that could cost a team a playoff series.

Minnesota Twins over Oakland Athletics -- Not only do the A's have Scott Sauerbeck (2005-2006), who played in Cleveland this year before hiding in some bushes in the suburbs, they have former Indians hothead Milton Bradley (2001-2003). Two infamous ex-Tribesmen easily trump Twins reliever Matt Guerrier, who was only born in Cleveland and never played here. Billy Beane's shit don't work in the playoffs when he's using ex-Indians!

NATIONAL LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES

Los Angeles Dodgers over St. Louis Cardinals -- They're tied 2-2 in ex-Indians. But the GHCS Playoff Formula tiebreaker says Dodgers win, since Ronnie Belliard was trying to fasten a few buttons over his belly in Cleveland earlier this year.

AMERICAN LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES

Detroit Tigers over Minnesota Twins -- It's about as Tribe-free a series as you can get, since the Twins have no ex-Indians and Sean Casey had just 10 ABs with the Tribe. But unless the Twins drop Cleveland native Matt Guerrier before the ALCS, they're done. Born in Cleveland trumps playing for five minutes in Cleveland.

WORLD SERIES

Detroit Tigers over Los Angeles Dodgers -- The Tigers have constructed a darn good roster. Only one player with any Indians experience, and it was just six games nearly a decade ago! That's good enough to please God and good enough to beat the Dodgers. Give Jim Leyland another ring, and give the title to a team that hasn't had a winning season since the last time the Tribe sucked!

Tribe finished despite strong finish

In an alternate universe, it's still 2005, and the Indians' 7-1 record against the Chicago White Sox and Tampa Bay Devil Rays over the last week of the season put them into the playoffs. It completed a magical run that saw the team roll through the last two months of the season that saw the Tribe go from a .500 team at midseason to one of the league's best, all while clinching their first division title in five years. In that alternative universe, the Indians will be playing the Oakland A's Tuesday at Jacobs Field in the first game of the ALDS; your pitching matchup: C.C. Sabathia vs. Barry Zito.

But in this universe -- you know, the REAL one -- the Indians' 7-1 record against the Chicago White Sox and Tampa Bay Devil Rays over the last week of the season put them mercifully to bed. The season that really ended in May officially ended with a sweep of the Devil Rays and a 78-84 record. That left them closer to the last-place Kansas City Royals (62-100) than it did to the first-place Minnesota Twins (96-66).

And in this universe -- you know, the REAL one -- when the Indians faced the White Sox and the Devil Rays for six games over the final week of the season in 2005, needing really to win just half of them, the Tribe could muster only one win. One. But sometimes you'd think the Tribe brass lives in that alternate universe.

The Indian Summer Mirage last year, when they went 42-15 from July 23 to Sept. 24, convinced Tribe management -- and many of the fans -- that the rebuilding had worked. But what's the reality? The 42-15 record for two months last year, or the 351-452 record for the remainder of the last five seasons?

Which is kind of weird to hear from an organization that values a player's track record. After all, that's why they signed Aaron Boone. And took Guillermo Mota in the Coco Crisp trade. And signed "innings-eater" Jason Johnson. And let him keep pitching. Contention by 2005? Yep. But no one promised us anything after that, did they???

Next season we'll be entering the fifth year of GM Mark Shapiro's lightning-fast rebuilding program. They've posted 74, 68, 80, 93, and now 78 wins during that time. They're a combined 24 games under .500, which only looks that good because of the 93-win season last year. Four losing terms in five tries don't breed much confidence. Not in a division which has become the best in baseball faster than

Once again, we're left waiting for last year, just as we have been every year for the past four decades.

Choke on THIS

Hahahahahahahaha, Ozzie Guillen. We are going to show you!!! Your White Sox are in town for the Tribe's final homestand this week, and guess what -- WE AREN'T GOING TO CHOKE! Nope, not a chance.

No way we go just 1-6 this week and blow our chance at the playoffs. No way we let the Tampa Bay Devil Rays walk all over us this weekend and ruin our postseason dreams. No way we score just 20 runs this week and lose five one-run ballgames.

In short, no way we choke. Nah, took care of that months ago.

Stover and out

Once again the score was 14-12, and once again the pass fluttered into the end zone in a Browns home game, and once again everyone in attendance gasped as they saw a Browns receiver stumbling around. And as the ghost of Red Right 88 possessed the body of Baltimore Ravens defensive back Chris McAllister and picked off Charlie Frye's pass, we already knew how this story would end. With the ghost of the real Cleveland Browns kicking us square in the groin.

The original Red Right 88 ended with a 14-12 score, but not this one. Not when there was still 3:21 remaining in the game. Not when the hated Baltimore Ravens were looking at 3-0 for the first time in "franchise history." (Really, just because they say they started the franchise when they moved to Baltimore doesn't mean they did!) Not when all the Ravens needed to do was move into field-goal range for one of the NFL's most accurate kickers, Matt Stover, the last man standing from when Art Modell stole the Browns off to Baltimore.

It couldn't just be a simple chip shot, though. It had to Stover's longest field goal since 1993, the third-longest of his career, and the first one of more than 50 yards that he's hit since 2002. It had to be a low-trajectory kick that knifed through the swirling winds, a kick to our collective gut as well as a game-winning field goal. And also the longest kick Stover had even TRIED since the turn of the century.

But take the combination of NFL's most devout player going up against the team that God hates, and was there any question that the Browns would collapse like Michigan State in the fourth quarter? Stover points to the sky and gives thanks to God after every field-goal attempt, make or miss. Of course he'd get to point Heavenward after a successful kick this time.

Before Sunday, Matt Stover was 33-for-36 in his career against the Browns, his best percentage against any team. Now he's 36-for-39, a 92.3 percent accuracy rate, a full 10 percent better than his overall career mark. It figures that the guy who holds Browns records for most field goals and second-most field goals in a season (29 in 1995, 26 in 1994), most field goals in a game (5, 10/29/1995, tied with Phil Dawson and Don Cockroft), and best field-goal percentage in a season (92.86 percent in 1994) would come through.

And we can't even be all that made at Matt Stover since his foundation donates $100,000 per year to Baltimore charities.

The only thing that would make Stover's winning kick acceptable for Browns' fans is if Art Modell suffered a heart attack while watching the ball sail through the uprights.

The Browns can't even win when Charlie Frye throws for nearly 300 yards, Kellen Winslow catches almost 100 yards worth of balls, and Braylon Edwards goes for almost 200 yards and a touchdown. They can't even win when (for the second time) they limit a team to just one touchdown. They can't even win when everything goes right on game day following a week where everything went wrong. Kellen Winslow runs his mouth, Daylor McCutcheon goes on IR, Gary Baxter and Reuben Droughns go on the inactive list -- seemingly no hope, right?

Oh, but there was. All the way up until the 14-12 score woke up the ghost of Red Right 88 and the original Browns and gave Charlie his own bitter Browns memory. And God another good laugh.

The face of Cleveland sports

It's time.

This year, we celebrate the 60th anniversary of Cleveland Browns football. (And the 42nd anniversary of winning no championships in anything in this city, but who's counting?) We celebrate the 60th anniversary of a franchise that brought us legends such as Paul Brown, Jim Brown, Lou Groza, Otto Graham and Tim Couch. We have 60 years of memories such as Ozzie Newsome's pass-catching streak, the Kardiac Kids, the heyday of the Dawg Pound, and the domination of the old AAFC.

And we celebrate 60 years of the logoless helmet. For 60 years the Browns have worn a plain brown helmet. Nothing else needed. Nothing else wanted.

Until now.

It is time to advocate for the Browns to put a logo on their helmets. And that logo should be a silhouette of Braylon Edwards.

Who else symbolizes the Cleveland Browns and Cleveland sports as succinctly as Braylon Edwards, especially the Braylon Edwards we saw in Sunday's season-opening 19-14 loss to the New Orleans Saints? He's our top draft pick from two years ago, a guy from whom we have seen some big things and expect bigger things. And that's what we saw on the first play of the game, when he broke behind the Saints defense as if he had the Invisible Woman's superpowers and caught a 74-yard touchdown pass to start the season.

Except he didn't. Except that Kevin Shaffer held Saints defender Will Smith -- yes, the Will Smith from Ohio State -- the play was nullified, and Braylon Edwards got no closer to the end zone that Big Dawg did the rest of the day. Then on the Browns last offensive play, Charlie Frye hit Braylon in the numbers with a pass. Except that he really DID hit Braylon in the numbers with a pass. The ball bounced into the air and safety Josh Bullocks grabbed it for an interception to seal the loss.

So there it is. Braylon started with an exciting touchdown catch that wasn't, and ended it with a ball bouncing off his hands and into that great maw of Cleveland sports history where dreams go to die. No one was more fired up than Braylon was when the players exited the tunnel onto the Cleveland Browns Stadium field Sunday. He leaped, he pumped his fist, he smacked his teammates' helmets. He acted as excited as any average Joe fan would have been had he suddenly been asked to suit up and start at wide receiver for the Browns. All this from someone who suffered a major knee injury toward the end of last season and put his full heart and effort into making a return to the field because he was THAT excited and THAT convinced that this year would be the year.

Sound familiar?

Heck, let's make a motion that Braylon Edwards becomes the new official mascot for all Cleveland teams. Get rid of Chief Wahoo and put a grinning Braylon Edwards there. No more swashbuckling swords for the Cavs; let's get Braylon and his SUV up there. The City of Cleveland doesn't have a logo -- let's make it a picture of Braylon Edwards! On "his" MySpace page "Braylon" even says "he" hates the Steelers!

We like to call ourselves the Comeback City, which is kind of like calling ourselves Super Bowl champions. Just because we say it doesn't make it true. But aren't we really the Braylon City?

Think about it. Work hard for the next season. Get yourself pumped up. Be as excited as anyone. Love the atmosphere, drink it in, and know, just KNOW, that you won't be stopped. Then catch a 74-yard touchdown pass ON THE FIRST PLAY.

Then watch as someone pulls the carpet out from under you, just like someone's been pulling the carpet out from under us Cleveland fans for the past four decades. Then watch when you're put back on the carpet in crunch time, only to suffer from a cruel bounce of the ball that breaks the heart of Braylon Edwards and everyone Cleveland Browns fan.

It's time to embrace our fate. We are all Braylon Edwards. We are all merely God's plaything.

Saint that a shame

Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou offense, Romeo?

THIS is what we've been waiting for ever since the Indians took a 10-foot walk of a nine-foot pier back in June? This is what a sea of orange and brown that filled the parking lots around Cleveland Browns Stadium hours before game time like knights laying siege to a castle gets for its troubles?

Fourteen points. Three turnovers, including one that bounced off Braylon Edwards' chest in the final minutes and turned into an interception to seal the deal. 186 total yards. Reuben Droughns, last year's 1,200-yard man, held to 27 yards by 2005's worst rushing defense. Five sacks of Charlie Frye. Joe Jurevicius breaking his ribs ON A PLAY THAT DIDN'T EVEN COUNT!

The Browns didn't just lose to the Saints (you know, the team with the NFL's second-worst record last year). They barely beat Reggie Bush (141 total yards). But then again, doesn't Bush always win in Ohio? It took only til halftime for a fired-up crowd to start booing. That's partly because the Browns had just three first downs in the first half, and partly because the scoreboard listed one of the keys to victory for the second half (right behind "More offense") as "More crowd noise."

And the Browns' big plays weren't just erased, they were punished for even having them. On the first offensive play of the game -- a more fitting start to a season could not occur for a Cleveland team -- Charlie Frye hit Braylon Edwards for a 74-yard touchdown pass. But not really! Offseason signee Kevin Shaffer proved his worth with a holding penalty. Later, Joe Jurevicius caught a 20-yard pass to convert a fourth-down play, but a Cosey Coleman hold erased that gain. It didn't erase the broken ribs Jurevicius suffered on the play, though.

Hey, at least Bay Village native Dave Zastudil got plenty of playing time. Of course, since he's the punter, he's the last guy anyone other than his family and maybe a Bay High School high school football coach or two wants to see on the field.

A season forecast that looked anywhere from optimistic to hopeful changed to downright dreary in about three hours Sunday afternoon. Not only did the Browns lose (at home!) to their weakest opponent of the season, but everyone else in the AFC North won by at least 10 points (leaving the Browns in last), and Week 3 home opponent Baltimore posted an impressive road shutout of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Suddenly the Browns are playing Staredown with 0-4, and 0-4 ain't blinking. And neither is God.

But at least the Indians beat the White Sox Sunday. Only 17 games out of first! When does the Cavs season start again?

Steeled with

a kiss

Apparently Pittsburgh Steelers coach Bill Cowher loves football players almost as much as he loves football.

During last night's season-opening victory over the Miami Dolphins, Steeler linebacker Joey Porter gave Cowher a little kiss on the neck in celebration of Porter's interception return for a touchdown that sealed the deal.

And it's not even the first time Cowher kissed one of his players on the sideline. Following a 1997 comeback victory over the Baltimore Ravens, Cowher ran down then-quarterback Kordell Stewart and planted a big one on his cheek.

The worst thing about it is that here in Cleveland we can't even make fun of Cowher. The Browns haven't even started their season yet, and thanks to the Steelers' victory, we're already in last place. Plus there's the fact that last night the Steelers were celebrating last year's Super Bowl championship while beginning their quest for One For The Other Thumb. It began quite triumphantly. Because of all that, we can't even ask if Porter turned into a vampire after his touchdown, or wonder if he thought he was with Kordell. We can't try and figure out if Bill Cowher was whispering sweet nothings into Joey Porter's ear. And we can't ask Bill Cowher if he indeed does like football player as much as he likes football.

We can't do any of this because they are the damn Pittsburgh Steelers and we are the crummy Cleveland Browns. We don't have any coaches who kiss (or get kissed by) their players, but we don't have any Lombardi Trophies either. Or World Series rings. Or NBA titles. Or really anything signifying anything good from the last 40 years or so.

Maybe by Sunday evening we'll at least have a team tied for first place one week into the season. But then again, it's the Saints who are marching in, and God does hate Cleveland sports. So go right ahead and pick the Browns, if you dare.

Go to hell, Florida Marlins

It will be on the front page of the sports section of your Plain Dealer this morning, greeting you over Fruity Pebbles, scrambled eggs, bagels, or whatever your breakfast of champions is. There it will be looking you straight in the eye. A picture of an ecstatic Anibal Sanchez, most likely being carried off the field by his teammates.

What is an Anibal Sanchez, you ask? Well, he's a pitcher for the Florida Marlins. A rookie pitcher for the Florida Marlins. A rookie pitcher who before Wednesday night had started all of 12 games and thrown all of 78.1 innings in his major league career. A rookie pitcher who joined the Marlins in the offseason, along with Hanley Ramirez, when the Marlins traded Josh Beckett to the Boston Red Sox.

And now a rookie pitcher, who in his lucky 13th start in the bigs, has thrown a no-hitter. Which is the most disgusting thing a Cleveland Indians fan can hear. Especially while eating Fruity Pebbles, scrambled eggs, a bagel, or whatever his or her breakfast of champions.

More than the Pittsburgh Steelers, more than the Baltimore Ravens, more than the Detroit Pistons, even more than the Chicago White Sox -- that's how disgusted the Florida Marlins should make us Cleveland fans.

For a moment let's just forget about the 1997 World Series, where the upstart Marlins -- just five years old at the time -- handed our town one of the most devastating psychological blows in sports history. The Mesa! The only time a team ever held the lead in the bottom of the ninth of Game 7 of the World Series YET LOST. It could only be done by a Cleveland team. And it was. But let's put that aside.

Let's think about the stinking four no-hitters the Marlins have thrown in just 13½ years of existence. That's one every about every three years. The Indians have 14 no-hitters in their history, which spans almost 105 years. That's a no-hitter every 7½ years. And none since 1981. The Marlins have four since their debut in 1992.

Then there's not just the disgusting World Series victory over the Indians, but their is the SECOND Marlins world championship. That came in 2003, and even though it was against the dreaded New York Yankees, what Cleveland fan could take solace in it? Do you root for the Yankees, which was like rooting for U.S. Steel as comedian Joe E. Lewis said in the 1950s (or like cheering on Exxon today), or do you root for the cocky new kid on the block WHO ALREADY HAS AN UNDESERVED WORLD SERIES trophy? Ugh, Jigsaw couldn't come up with a worse trap in Saw III.

But wait, there's more. Despite starting 11-31, the Marlins have become the first team in more than 100 years to work their way back to a winning record after being 20 games under .500. Right now they're 70-69, just three games out of the wild card lead. The Indians, with four less wins, are farther from civilization than the gang from Lost, 14 games out of the wild card lead.

Oh, and we are SO PROUD of the Marlins, because they snapped the longest no-hitter drought in the history of baseball. Never mind that three days ago Washington Nationals pitcher Ramon Ortiz almost did it, taking a no-hitter into the ninth.

Nope, baseball's new (and old) darlings, the Florida Marlins have done it. And they're right in the wild-card hunt. And they remain rammed in the craw of every Indians fan everywhere who roots for things to be done the right way, who roots for effort, who patiently sits by his radio and waits for the Indians to finally do SOMETHING besides make God angry.

But, hey, the Indians have one of baseball's best records over the last month, which leaves them at exactly six games under .500.

Six under, there's a fitting number for everything Cleveland.

Trade away these trades

Like Captain America's shield, Lee Suggs has come bouncing back to Cleveland. Seems like the Browns can't even throw their garbage away right. Most likely, Suggs will end up released now after failing a physical with the New York Jets. Suggs says he's bewildered. Most likely, the Jets just remembered that they were trading for a player from a team God hates.

But it would be Cleveland luck to see this trade voided, a trade that might have actually helped the Browns. Cornerback Derrick Strait may not have been anything special, but both his legs work. That's worth a starting spot on this Browns team.

Of course, none of our players ever fails a physical when we WOULDN'T want to see him traded. Nope, the trade goes through, and our former stars go on to greatness and championship rings in other cities. Here's 10 other trades that Cleveland teams have made over the years that we fans would have liked to see voided:

1) Ron Harper to the Los Angeles Clippers for Danny Ferry

Magic Johnson proclaimed the Cavs as "the team of the ''90s." Then Michael Jordan made The Shot and Wayne Embry made The Trade. The worst trade in Cleveland sports history. A trade made because Wayne Embry didn't like Ron Harper's friends. The trade so bad that it makes Rocky Colavito for Harvey Kuenn -- a trade that spawned a curse, according to Terry Pluto -- look good. In the season after The Trade, the Cavs dropped from 57-25 to 42-40, then to 33-49. Though they rebounded to 57-25 in the 1991-92 season, the window was closed.

It sure doesn't make anyone feel better to know that Ron Harper ended up with five championship rings while playing for the Bulls and Lakers, while Danny Ferry wound up winning one with the San Antonio Spurs. But not with the Cavs, noooooooooooooooooo, neither one.

2) Rocky Colavito to the Detroit Tigers for Harvey Kuenn

Here's what happens to the icon of Cleveland after he gets traded to the Detroit Tigers just before the 1960 season: a sports columnist takes shots at him, he tries to attack the columnist after the columnist charges him with an error while serving as official scorer, he is ejected from a game after going into the stands to take on a drunk who was going after his wife and father, he holds out for a higher salary than team icon Al Kaline and incurs the fans' wrath, and he costs the Indians Tommy John and Tommie Agee when he comes back in 1965. And he gets the team cursed! At least Terry Pluto's happy.

3) Brian Giles to the Pittsburgh Pirates for Ricardo Rincon

You don't give the bartender $10 for a dollar draft and tell him to keep the change just because you've got a bunch of $10 bills in your pocket. But that's what John Hart did when he sent Brian Giles to the Pirates for a "much-needed" lefty reliever.

As of a month ago, Giles had hit 213 homers and 267 doubles, drawn 809 walks and posted an OBP of .415 and a SLG of .541. No wonder this is still talked about as one of the worst trades for a reliever of all time. Of course, John Hart didn't learn his lesson. Less than two years later, he sent Richie Sexson, Kane Davis, Paul Rigdon, and a player to be named later (Marco Scutaro) to the Milwaukee Brewers for Bob Wickman, Steve Woodard, and Jason Bere. That Wickman set the Tribe's all-time save record saves this from being a trade where we would have preferred Sexson failed his physical, but wouldn't you rather have had Richie Sexson for the last six years?
By the way, has there been any GM who has traded away as much top-tier talent for nothing as John Hart? Jeff Kent, Brian Giles, Sexson, and Travis Hafner brought his teams back Matt Williams, Bob Wickman, Ricardo Rincon, Einar Diaz and Aaron Myette. Danny Graves, Sean Casey and Marquis Grissom brought back John Smiley, Ben McDonald, and Dave Burba. John Hart paid Mercedes prices for Yugos in both Cleveland and Texas.

4) Brandon Phillips to the Cincinnati Reds for a bag of air

But really, who wouldn't want to keep Ramon Vazquez over Brandon Phillips. After all, Vazquez has the type of attitude that will make him a valuable bench player. He proved it when, after being demoted to Buffalo for the fourth time this year, he said, "I never got a shot here. Not this year of last year." Hey, Ramon -- it's cause you stink! Oh, and Brandon Phillips is hitting .289 with 11 homers, 57 RBI, and 21 SBs. For a team leading the NL wild-card race.

5) Dick Jacobs for Larry Dolan

OK, not really a trade, but don't you wish this swap had never been made?

6) Jeff Faine to the New Orleans Saints for a draft pick

Can the Browns use that draft pick to draft another center?

7) Bobby Mitchell to the Washington Redskins for the #1 draft pick (Ernie Davis)

Sure, maybe it's not fair to call this a bad trade. The Browns didn't know that Ernie Davis, the player they took with that top pick in 1962, was going to die of leukemia before even making it into a game. And they didn't know that Bobby Mitchell was going to go on to a Hall of Fame career. But they did know they are a Cleveland team, and that God hates them. So they should have known something awful was going to happen. Hell, we didn't even get a Brian's Song-type movie made out of this.

8) Earnest Byner to the Washington Redskins for Mike Oliphant

They figured Earnest Byner would never recover after The Fumble. So before the 1989 season, the Browns traded him. He was so despondent, he went on to two 1,000-yard seasons and a Super Bowl title. Then he came back to Cleveland just in time for the Browns to move. But Mike Oliphant scored a touchdown in his first game with the Browns! Of course, it was the only one of his career. For those keeping score at home, Earnest Byner ran the ball 2,095 times for 8,261 times and 56 touchdowns while throwing in 512 receptions for 4,605 yards and 15 more touchdowns. Mike Oliphant ran the ball 23 times for 127 yards and caught 18 passes for 133 yards in his career.

9) Charles Oakley to the Chicago Bulls for Keith Lee and Ennis Whatley

Not content with drafting The Oak Tree ninth overall in 1985, the Cavs dealt his rights. But who wouldn't rather have Keith Lee and Ennis Whatley over a guy who would play in 1,282 games? Lee ALMOST scored that many points in his career (1,114)!

10) Omar Vizquel to the Seattle Mariners for Carlos Guillen

Ooops, Omar actually DID fail his physical in December of 2003, depriving the Tribe of Guillen. Guillen's only gone on to hit over .300 with 40 HRs in two-plus seasons for the Tigers, leading them to the top of the baseball world this season. Most likely, Derrick Strait will intercept eight passes this year as the Jets go 15-1 and win the Super Bowl.

Don't bet on it!

Who in their right mind would bet on the Browns to win? Heck, who in their right mind would bet on any Cleveland team to win anything? But there's your proof right there, a $40 bet at New York New York Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas on the Browns to beat the Eagles straight up in preseason action last week. No points needed for this bettor! Nope, he had total confidence that the Browns would win this game outright.

Meanwhile, the rest of us wonder why.

This is a team that lost its Pro Bowl center (LeCharles Bentley) to a blown knee on the first play of the second day of training camp. This is a team that lost its backup center (Bob Hallen) to a blown mind a couple weeks after that. This is a team down two cornerbacks (Daylon McCutcheon, Gary Baxter) and another offensive lineman (Ryan Tucker). This is a team whose free agent wide receiver addition (Joe Jurevicius) has suffered back spasms in training camp thanks to a fight. This is a team whose QB (Charlie Frye) hid a supposedly minor thumb injury for a couple days. Heck, this is a team where even the expected stars who HAVEN'T been hurt this preseason are coming off catastrophic injuries from previous years (Braylon Edwards, Kellen Winslow).

And NOW this is a team that can't even throw out its trash (Lee Suggs) without something going wrong. Gee, what a surprise that someone who has missed nearly half of his career games with injuries failed a physical.

There aren't this many injured people in a hospital.

But that's the thing about Cleveland sports fans. We're suckers. Or masochists. Really, what's the difference? Go to Cleveland Browns Stadium, Jacobs Field, The Q, or old Municipal Stadium or the Richfield Coliseum and put your heart on the line. You end up losing. Go to Las Vegas and put your money on the line, you end up losing. We're to the point where we need to call Lloyd's of London for an insurance policy on our emotions whenever we turn on a game. Most likely that would carry too high a premium, though.

One thing's for sure -- God hates Cleveland sports bettors just as much as God hates Cleveland sports. Or maybe he loves Cleveland sports bettors, because they are certain to lose, making God happy twice over. And us ever the poorer.

How could this happen to me?

They could title the article, "What in the world is wrong with the Indians?" and it would be appropriate. That's what ESPN.com Insider Jerry Crasnick asks in his latest column. Mark Shapiro basically says, "Heck if I know." The Indians are third in runs scored and have outscored their opposition by nearly 30 runs, yet they are as far or farther out of first than the last-place team in every other division.

As Shapiro is quoted in the article:

"This year has been a very large disappointment. We're bitter about it, and we still have to figure out why. But we haven't been able to put our finger on one thing."

And as Crasnick writes, maybe that's because there isn't just any one thing to put a finger on. Even if there were, it would be one very large finger -- like King Kong size. There's the bad baserunning, frightening fielding, lousy left fielders, awful offseason moves, and broken bullpen.

Just a typical year in Cleveland.

To help out Mark Shapiro, here's the God Hates Cleveland Sports ranking of reasons this year has been a very large disappointment:

10) Eric Wedge -- We're not ready to join the Fire Eric Wedge movement. It really isn't his fault that Jhonny Peralta can't figure out which base to throw to, that Aaron Boone has wasted nearly 900 plate appearances in an Indians uniform, that no one on the team can run faster than a glacier, and that Victor Martinez throwing out a baserunner is more rare than a Stradivarius. But he doesn't help, especially what with his strange love affair with Ramon Vazquez. You know, the guy with six career homers whom Wedge pushed for the Indians to keep over Brandon Phillips, then used as a pinch-hitter in a game when a home run was needed to tie the game.

A temper tantrum might help. Everyone's sick of hearing how the Indians just need to focus and try hard. Just start throwing things around to get some attention. Like Aaron Boone.

9) Leftovers in left field -- For as lousy as he's been, Jason Michaels still has an almost identical on-base percentage and slugging percentage as Coco Crisp. But that's only because Coco Crisp has been lousy in Boston, not because Jason Michaels has been exceptionally good. Eight homers and 40 RBI out of your left fielder just ain't gonna cut it, especially when he throws himself around in the field like a fish trying to escape capture. In RBI, he's ahead of only two other AL left fielders with more than 300 at-bats -- and behind three others with less at-bats.

8) J.P. Riccardi -- We'll blame the Toronto Blue Jays' GM for starting the cascade that led to the downfall of the Tribe bullpen. Infatuated with closer B.J. Ryan, the Tribe chased him like a puppy after its master. Problem was, while the Indians were courting Ryan, current flame Bobby Howry left the house and joined the Cubs. A week later, Toronto gave Ryan a five-year, $47 million deal and the Indians were left without a date to the prom.

7) Mark Shapiro -- Larry Dolan's empty wallet has Shapiro in chains, but that excuse only flies for so long. If you're going to win the 2005 GM of the Year award, you better not let your team drop to sixth-worst in the majors the last year. The Paul Byrd signing has been fine, but everything else Shapiro has touched has turned to dust. Jason Michaels -- bust. Revamped bullpen -- as bad as '04. Aaron Boone -- killed the team for two years. Jason Johnson -- let's agree to forget it ever happened. Brandon Phillips for a can of air -- oooops! But letting Austin Kearns slip through his fingers when all the Washington Nationals gave up were a couple of middle relievers (one of whom who was damaged goods) may haunt Shapiro like a ghost for years to come.

6) Art Modell -- Why not? He's the most hated sports figure in Cleveland history. Might as well take out this Indians season on him, too.

5) Fernando Cabrera and the New Bullpen From Hell -- After an excellent 2005 (1.47 ERA in 30.2 innings), Cabrera was projected as the new Bob Howry, which made Howry expendable while the Indians chased after overpriced closers. Now that Cabrera's fallen on his face (6.10 ERA in 3682 innings) it's dominoed over to every other reliever. Rafael Betancourt's ERA is a run higher than his career mark. Scott Sauerbeck hid from police in the bushes one night, then gave up one too many homers to a lefty. Danny Graves should never have been on the team to begin with. Guillermo Mota, well, let's just skip Guillermo Mota. And Kyra Sedgewick makes a much better closer than Fausto Carmona.

The Indians have the AL's fourth-worst bullpen ERA at 4.96. Remember the pen from 2004 ruined by Jose Jimenez and Scott Stewart? They ended up at 4.88, third-worst in the AL. Sound familiar?

4) Cheap Larry Dolan -- If you look closely at one of the guys roaming Carnegie Avenue while rattling a cupful of change, don't be surprised to see Larry Dolan in disguise. No one wants to hear about the Tribe's poor pockets anymore, and after two years of Aaron Boone and Ben Broussard clogging up the middle of the lineup, it's obvious the Indians need another bat. The way to get another bat is to pay for one. Heck, there's people that think Sammy Sosa or Barry Bonds will help the Indians next year. These people obviously need help, but it shows that just making a splash in the free-agent market will go a long way toward befriending the fans again. Hopefully the Indians wouldn't just buy someone to buy someone, though. Hopefully they can actually open the purse strings to pay someone what he's worth.

3) Cliff Lee and Jake Westbrook -- The Indians brought in Jason Johnson to be their innings eater this year, when all along they already had an innings eater. His name is Jake Westbrook. And he's Mr. Average. Westbrook has a career 4.41 ERA -- almost exactly in line with his 2006 ERA -- and a 48-49 inning. All while tossing 200 innings per year. Now THAT'S an innings eater. Couple him with the disappointing Cliff Lee (4.75 ERA this year, 4.47 ERA career) and you've got two average guys anchoring your rotation by dragging it right down to the bottom of your ocean.

The Indians and everyone else were expecting improvement from these two guys. When you've got two average guys starting 40 percent of your games, everyone else has to be above average to make up for it. And God knows the Indians don't have enough above average guys to make up for it.

2) Jhonny Peralta and piss-poor fielding -- Peralta's fielding statistics are actually right about where they were last year. But since his hitting has dropped to Tom Veryzer levels, his defensive reputation is taking a hit. And since the Indians need slick fielders behind their sinkerball pitchers, they can't afford a dropoff in fielding.

But the Indians have committed the second-most errors and allowed the most stolen bases in the AL. Every Indians infielder (including the departed Ben Broussard and Ronnie Belliard) either made the most or second-most errors at his position while they were in town. And sometimes even when they don't make an error, they still look like they're playing infield on ice skates.

1) God -- Actually, God is the top one million reasons for why the Indians have fallen down a bottomless pit. But we have to pretend to have some semblance of control by listing a few other reasons. Otherwise, we'd hurtle ourselves right down that pit after the Indians.

No closer to a closer

This baseball stuff is easy. Apparently all you have to do is say you're going to do something, and it's done. Case in point: Fausto Carmona.

The Indians say he's a closer, so -- PRESTO! -- he IS a closer! Set aside for a moment the fact that he's blown EVERY SINGLE SAVE OPPORTUNITY HE'S EVER HAD! That's OK. You know why? Because he's a closer! The Indians say so. And so does Bud Shaw of The Plain Dealer, who for the second time in a week writes an ill-timed column. In the past 10 days, Bud Shaw has written that Browns center LeCharles Bentley is indispensible on the day Bentley blew out his knee, and now asks us not to give up on Fausto on the day he blows his third straight save.

Apparently Eric Wedge isn't giving up on Fausto. He says, "We're not going to make a decision like this on a whim. . . . 10 minutes after the game." No, of course not, who would want to do that? Not right after the game. Wait until he's blown four games in a row in the space of seven days, then make your decision. You know, give Fausto some rope. What? He's already blown four games this week?

Fausto Carmona has been so bad as "closer", he would have been cut from the Indians' Bullpen from Hell. In fact, you wonder if Fausto is the new No. 1 at the top of this list of worst Indians' "closers" of all time:

* Jose Jimenez, 2004: 1-7 record, 8 saves, 3 blown saves, 8.42 ERA, hasn't pitched in the majors or minors since.

* Sammy Stewart, 1987: 4-2 record, 3 saves, 5.67 ERA in 27 IP -- and like Jimenez, never again pitched in the majors. Blew his first save chance by allowing five runs in the top of the ninth in a 14-9 loss to the Chicago White Sox on July 3. Ozzie Guillen started the collapse with a double. At least his failure paved the way for Doug Jones, who led the team with eight saves that season.

* Ernie Camacho, 1987: 1 save, 0-1 record, 9.22 record in 13.1 IP. Set the Tribe record with 23 saves in 1984 while pitching 100 innings, then was punished by God with an elbow injury that erased his 1985 season. He bounced back to record 20 saves in 1986, but fell apart in 1987. He was actually booed in the bullpen while warming up. Akron Beacon Journal Indians beat writer Sheldon Ocker calls Camacho the most memorable relief pitcher he's covered.

* Frank Wills, 1986: Who? Eminently forgettable, he probably never really was a closer. He saved four games and went 4-4 with a 4.91 ERA. Somehow lasted nine years in the bigs with a 5.06 ERA.

* The entire 1985 Bullpen From Hell: Tom Waddell (9 saves, 8-6 record, 4.87 ERA), Rich Thompson (5 saves, 3-8 record, 6.30 ERA), Bryan Clark (2 saves, 3-4 record, 6.32 ERA), Jerry Reed (8 saves, 3-5 record, 4.11 ERA). Vern Ruhle (3 saves, 2-10 record, 4.32 ERA), Jeff Barkley (1 save, 0-3 record, 5.27 ERA). It's never a good thing when the combined record of your closers is 19-38. (OK, really the 1987 team is considered the Tribe's real Bullpen From Hell, but c'mon, that's at least where Doug Jones got his start!)

So at least if Fausto Carmona never gets another save chance (we can hope) he'll have already claimed his place in the annals of Indians closer history -- most hated by God.

Get back, Loretta

Ummmm .............. errrrrrrr ............... uhhhhhhhh .......

Oh, hell, just read this again. Apparently Fausto Carmona hates Cleveland sports, too. At least Big Papi didn't get another walkoff. It was Mark Loretta this time.

Oh, and Bob Wickman picked up his fourth save for the Braves last night. The Indians' "closer" still has none.

Brash talking

So Kellen Winslow finally admits what everyone's known all along. He says he'll never be 100% percent. But in that Cleveland fantasy land that lies somewhere north of wishful thinking, Winslow's set up camp right next to Larry Dolan's spend-what-we-make philosophy of contending:

''I hate to be brash, but I think my 90 percent is still better than every tight end out there.'' -- Kellen Winslow Jr.

The most amazing revelation isn't that Kellen Winslow actually believes that at 90 percent he's better (Antonio Gates) than every (Tony Gonzalez) other tight end (Jeremy Shockey) in football (Todd Heap). It's that Kellen Winslow hates to be brash!

Brash is why K2 gets as much attention as he does. Brash is what he was after a game in college with Miami in November 2003, when he injured a Tennessee Volunteer player and then said, "If I didn't hurt him, he'd hurt me. They're gunnin' for my legs. I'm a soldier." Brash is what he was when he hopped on his motorcycle, popped a wheelie, then nearly popped his leg off his body last May. The fourth word in the first article posted on the Cleveland Browns own web site following the drafting of Winslow is "brash". Kellen was even called brash in one of the first newspaper headlines about him during training camp of 2004, after he plowed over former teammate Roosevelt Williams (who?) in practice.

Look, we all indulge in wishful thinking from time to time. Who doesn't want Scarlet Johansson to show up at his front door wearing a short raincoat, black boots, and nothing else? And we know you have a lot of self-confidence, Kellen. BUT YOU DO NOT HATE TO BE BRASH!

Kellen Winslow Jr. hates to be brash like Donald Trump hates to be rich, like Kobayashi hates hot dogs, like the Hulk hates to smash, and like God hates hating Cleveland sports.

And as far as that "better than every tight end out there" part goes? Well, not many of the ones considered the best right now have as many career receptions as surgeries.