Monday, October 30, 2006


The curse of ... Maurice Carthon??

Take a look at that picture up there. That's New York Jets tight end Chris Baker making a tying touchdown catch at the end of the game against the Browns yesterday -- maybe. Baker caught the ball but didn't land inbounds, mostly thanks to the hit Browns safety Brodney Pool laid on him. The officials ruled that Baker would not have landed inbounds anyway, and that call was not reviewable. Score one for the Browns.

But take a look at the picture. No, you can't see the sidelines. You can't determine whether Baker would have landed inbounds. But that's not the point. It's all about what you DON'T see in the picture.

No Maurice Carthon!

That's right, banished along with ex-offensive coordinator Maurice Carthon were all the Browns troubles. Carthon went away and in came Reuben Droughns' first 100-yard rushing game of the season and the Browns' second-highest point total of the year. And their second win. All against a team with a winning record. Bye, bye, Maurice Carthon, hello playoffs!

Maybe it actually was all Maurice Carthon's fault and not God's. Some amazing never-before-seen photos point to this. In Abraham Zapruder-like fashion, photos from past Cleveland sporting events seem to support this "grassy knoll" theory. Take a look at these pictures provided EXCLUSIVELY to God Hates Cleveland Sports and see if you notice anything conspiratorial.


EXHIBIT A: THE CATCH

We all know that Willie Mays made the most amazing catch in baseball postseason history in Game 1 of the 1954 playoffs between the juggernaut Indians and the upstart San Francisco Giants. We all know Mays caught the ball in dead center field in the Polo Grounds in the top of the eighth of a tie game, sparking the Giants to a series sweep.

But this digitally enhanced, never-before-seen photo shows the REAL reason the Indians were upended in 1954. Look at who's sitting in the front row in center. He's three seats in from the right. He's staring straight at Willie Mays.

IT'S MAURICE CARTHON!!!


EXHIBITS B AND C:
THE DRIVE AND THE FUMBLE



And all this time, we thought Maurice Carthon's influence over the Browns only extended back to the beginning of last season. How wrong we were. Now, these pictures are very grainy. But thanks to our computer picture enhancing techniques, we were able to capture these two shots of those infamous AFC Championship games against the Denver Broncos in the 1980s.

First, if you look just over the right shoulder of the Brown pursuing John Elway during The Drive in 1987, you will see a previously unreleased image of MAURICE CARTHON STALKING THE BROWNS' SIDELINES!

A year later, just as Earnest Byner fumbled the ball away on the Broncos' goal line as the Browns tried to tie the game in the closing minutes, MAURICE CARTHON APPEARED ON THE BROWNS' SIDELINE AGAIN!

This incontrovertible evidence shows just how much Maurice Carthon has jinxed Cleveland sports through the years -- especially the Browns.

EXHIBIT D: THE SHOT

Until now, Michael Jordan got all the credit for beating the Cavs in 1989. However, our enhanced digital technology has uncovered the truth.

And no wonder it took all this time. How could any individual be picked out from the sea of people at the other end of the court? But there he is, front row just to the right of the key -- MAURICE CARTHON!

All these years we thought it was the Cavs who created Michael Jordan. But it was really Maurice Carthon. Just like Mr. Glass in Unbreakable, it's Maurice Carthon who created all of Cleveland's arch-villains. He made Elway Elway and he made Jordan Jordan, just by being there.

EXHIBIT E:
THE RENTERIA

If you blinked, you missed him. But Maurice Carthon found himself in Florida for Game 7 of the 1997 World Series and decided to take in the game. Somehow he got himself down in the photographer's pit along the third-base line.

You know what happened then.

Sources tell GHCS that they are investigating other ignominious moments in Cleveland history, such as the Cuyahoga River catching on fire, the Hough riots, and the East Ohio Gas Explosion to see if Maurice Carthon indeed played a role. If it is true that Maurice Carthon has cursed Cleveland and not God, then perhaps we have exorcised our demons just in time for the Cavs season.

16 comments:

Browns Girl in the 'Burgh said...

I LOVE the post and I abosolutely agree...Cleveland fans everywhere can finally breathe a sigh of relief :)

In all seriousness, as you may have guessed from my "name", I am a diehard Browns fan who somehow ended up in Pittsburgh for grad school. I've lived through the drive, the fumble, and of course the move, and still the last few years have been some of the most frustrating & depressing as a fan. I just want to say that I have recently had a revelation of sorts and horrifyingly enough, I have yinzers everywhere to thank.

We all know and hate the Steelers, but what many of us may not know, is that their fans are mostly delusional. Even when their team is playing terribly (ie the last few weeks) they will still look at you with a straight face and tell you they are the best, most dominating team in the league. This was funny to me for the most part, but I realized last week, that their collective positivity (insane though it is) actually works for them. They don't have to live through the winless droughts that we Browns fans have become so accustomed to and although it saddens me to admit it, this losing streak, will probably not last more than a season.

So...I propose that we all adopt a similar philosophy. What the hell, why not?? The curse is broken, right? God doesn't hate Cleveland sports, he LOVES Cleveland sports! Tell all your friends that we are the best team, best sports city EVER. And don't let it end with the Browns....the Cavs, the Indians...the next few years are going to be brimming with Cleveland championships...we are due! Banish the guarded optimism followed by bitter disappointment that has come to characterize us as fans....we are the BEST fans ever and we have survived more heartache than most others can even imagine. So why can't we be the ones to turn things around?!

Anyway, I hope fans everywhere will join me in this endeaver and I'm sorry for the ridiculously long post. Thanks for the blog and go Browns!! :)

Mittens said...

i didn't see him at the cavs/bobcats game saturday, so i don't think we can blame everything on maurice carthon

Veronica said...

If memory serves, Carthon was on his way to winning a Super Bowl with the Giants during the 19*86* playoffs, so he couldn't have been at The Drive. Get your playoff years right, and keep looking for that elusive scapegoat :D!

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