Monday, October 23, 2006

We've seen this before

Even God's running out of ideas.

The Browns are a television show that's aired far too long. There's no original material left; plot lines repeat themselves. Offensive line stinks? Did that one during season one. And two. And three. Can't score? An ongoing theme. Ruptured patellar tendon? Hell, we already did that story in the first episode of this season -- but let's do it again and make it twice as bad!

Just like Bailey was always worried about falling off the wagon, just like Ross and Rachel ran circles around each other for 10 years, just like every doctor on ER is doing the same thing all the other doctors on ER did a decade ago even though they are all different doctors, nothing ever changes for the Browns. They still can't block. They still can't score. They still have a crummy offensive coordinator. They still have a quarterback who just ain't that good. And nothing changes. Everyone just finds different excuses.

When this same team returned from the dead seven seasons ago, we had a mobile quarterback who ran for his life behind a crummy offensive line. In his first season, when he played 15 games, Tim Couch completed 15 passes and threw 13 interceptions while completing 55.9% of his 399 passes. Karim Abdul-Jabbar and Terry Kirby were the Browns' top backs while Kevin Johnson and Darrin Chiaverini led the team in receptions. Those guys can't even get into the Hall of Fame with tickets.

Now Charlie Frye has actual talent to throw to, but in 11 starts hasn't even shown signs of being as good as Tim Couch. Frye has completed 60.8% of his 365 passes for 10 touchdowns and 15 interceptions. The great scrambler has gained only 131 yards on 38 tries for a 3.4 average. Four went for touchdowns. Tim Couch? He ran 39 times for 278 yards and one touchdown that first season. That's TWICE as many yards.

If Charlie Frye were from Willard, Missouri instead of Willard, Ohio, we'd be calling for Ken Dorsey by now.

Seriously, we are repeating the first season of Browns 2.0. We just replaced the guys who play the main characters. They did it with Darin on Bewitched, they do it with James Bond, they did it with Becky on Roseanne (even bringing back the original actress to replace her replacement (the ever hot Sarah Chalke, now on Scrubs)), and they're doing it with the Browns.

Charlie Frye IS Tim Couch. Center Hank Fraley IS Jim Pyne. Wide receiver Joe Jurevicius IS Darrin
Chiaverini. Head coach Romeo Crennell IS Chris Palmer. Kicker Phil Dawson is, well, Phil Dawson. It's just different characters playing the same role, doing the same things they did seven years ago. Don't forget, that 1999 Browns team won two games, just like this one will!

Unfortunately, hardly anyone IS good. So we're banished by God to remake hell, forced to watch the same thing over and over -- miserable loss after miserable loss. Welcome to Dante's 10th level of Hell, Cleveland sports.


Anonymous said...

Carthon just got let go finally, there is some sort of light at the end of the tunnel

Anonymous said...

Hell, I've been calling for Ken Dorsey for months now! Let's relives ome of that Dorsey to Winslow magic!

Anonymous said...

What is the "mystery illness" that caused Ryan Tucker to miss the game against the Jets?

I can only presume it is some weird combination of ebola, bird flu, yellow fever, and the plague.