If God were a comedian, He'd be the guy with the flower that squirts water into your face every time you leaned over to smell it. Or the guy who would shock you with a buzzer every time you shook His hand. Then He'd double over in laughter as if it were the funniest joke He'd ever heard, fall over on His back, and just about pee His pants while you wiped the water off your face.
Then five minutes later, He'd try the same joke. And you'd fall for it. At least in Cleveland.
A huge losing streak for the Cavs after the All-Star break followed by a seat on the couch for the playoffs last year? Funny! Let's try that joke again this year. Make sure it includes a 12-point loss to the Pistons, the class of the conference. That was such a good joke, let's do it again the next day. Two 12-point losses to the Pistons are better than one! God's coughing from laughing so hard.
Rasheed Wallace's elbow to Zydrunas Ilgauskas's head Sunday wasn't even a new joke. Seventeen years ago today the Cavs were cruising along in first place with a 41-12 record when the Detroit Pistons came to town. These were the infamous Bad Boy Pistons of Dennis Rodman, Bill Laimbeer, Rick Mahorn, et. al. And there at halfcourt of good old Richfield Coliseum, Mahorn delivered an elbow to Mark Price's head with such force that it would make the guy from Memento wince.
The Cavs won the game, but four days later they lost the rematch. The Cavs, who went into the rematch with a 43-12 record, finished the season 14-13. The Pistons won the division, the Cavs played the Bulls in the playoffs, Michael Jordan became Michael Jordan when he made The Shot over Craig Ehlo, and God doubled over in laughter as if it were the funniest joke He'd ever heard, fell over on His back, and just about peed His pants while Cavs fans wiped the water off their faces and the tears out of their eyes.
Mahorn's elbow may have concussed more than Price, because not soon after GM Wayne Embry traded Ron Harper for, gulp, Danny Ferry. The Cavs won more than 50 games just once after that season. Seventeen years later, Danny Ferry is the GM while more Cavs are being elbowed in the head by Pistons. Let's hope Lebron James doesn't get traded because of this.
If he does, make sure you check God's hand for a buzzer before you shake His hand.