Putting the ill in Sports Illustrated

I'm sick and tired of finding offensive materials in my mailbox. Three times in the past five weeks, Sports Illustrated has sent these disgusting magazines to me, complete with some Pittsburgh Steeler doing something good in the playoffs. There's Jerome Bettis getting ready to spike the ball like it's a doughnut and the end zone is his extra-large coffee. Then there's Bettis again, carrying the ball like it's a giant loaf of bread and he's running toward a 20-pound ham. And there's Hines Ward, prancing around like a little girl.

Every SI swimsuit issue combined hasn't caused as many cancellations as this collection of covers will generate from Northeast Ohio. But SI need not worry, Heaven will still be receiving its subscription. Sports Illustrated is now God's favorite magazine, next to Guideposts.