Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Be careful what you wish for

In some parallel universe, Larry Dolan has enough money to run the Indians. In that parallel universe, instead of having the sixth-lowest payroll in baseball, the Indians kept Kevin Millwood, Bobby Howry, Scott Elarton, Coco Crisp, even Jim Thome and Manny Ramirez. Larry Dolan has so much money in that parallel universe that the Indians have a $100 million payroll, rivaling the Los Angeles Angels, Chicago White Sox, New York Mets, and Los Angeles Dodgers. And in that parallel universe, the Indians have the second-worst record in baseball.

Of course this will happen in that parallel universe, for two reasons. First, God hates Cleveland sports no matter in what universe our teams play. And second, the parallel universe already exists. It's in Madison Square Garden in the middle of New York City, the arena which houses the New York Knicks, the team owned by Larry Dolan's nephew, James Dolan.

That's the team with the $125 million payroll full of stiffs; the team run by Isaiah Thomas, a GM who everywhere you look is getting mocked for his pick in last night's NBA draft; the team that finished with 23 wins last year; the team that just fired Larry Brown as its coach and made that GM take over. The team run by a Dolan with a lot of money.

Of course, one sports lawyer says James Dolan is trying to get out of paying Brown as much money as Brown's contract calls for, so maybe rich Dolans are not much different than not-so-rich Dolans.

Maybe when Larry Dolan's son Paul said, "Just because you have money to spend doesn't mean there will be the opportunity to spend it wisely," he was actually talking to his cousin rather than talking about the Indians. Especially since Larry Dolan doesn't have a lot of money to spend.

So wishing for a parallel universe where Larry Dolan spends a lot of money might be The Monkey's Paw of sports wishes. Anyone who wishes for a parallel universe where Larry Dolan spends a lot of money forgets two things: that God hates Cleveland sports no matter where the teams are and no matter how much money is spent on them, and that it would still be a member of the Dolan family spending the money.


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