It's a Cleveland thing

From now until the end of time, every possible hurricane or tropical storm has already been named. Each of 12 different regions already has several different lists of storm names which are rotated each year. For example, the first Atlantic Ocean hurricane of this year was named Alberto. The first Atlantic Ocean hurricane of 2011 will be named Arlene. And in 2012, the first Atlantic Ocean hurricane will be named Alberto, as this year's list comes back into play.

Perhaps it's time to set up such a list for Cleveland sports teams. ABC decided to show us our list in the closing minutes of the Cavs' Game 7 loss to the Pistons yesterday. While watching the end of Game 7, we relived The Catch, Red Right 88, The Drive, The Fumble, The Shot, and The Mesa. We can add in The Modell for the Browns' move and The Non-Catch for Grady's misplay in Kansas City next year and have ourselves a right proper list. Thanks, ABC!

Then we'll be prepared for years to come. Instead of trying to come up with new names for each of our sports disasters from now on, we just start back at the top of the list, and call the next event The Catch II. Red Right 98. The Drive II. The Next Fumble. The Second Shot. The David Modell. A Bigger Mesa. Another Non-Catch. Then let's call this latest loss The Cleveland, because it just sums up our sporting life year after year. Or how about The Sigh, because that's all we can do. Then just go back to the top of the list each time you get to the end and modify the names a bit, that should last us at least the next 50 years. Certainly past 2011.

While yesterday's Game 7 loss doesn't rival the towering infernos which have burnt down in our sporting past -- after all, it wasn't at home and the Cavs weren't favored and Jose Mesa wasn't playing -- it certainly belongs on the same stage. After all, the Cavs tied the record for fewest points in a half of a playoff game (23), and set records for fewest points in a Game 7 and a Cavs playoff game (61). If you're not going to make the loss memorable, you might as well make it historical.

For some reason, despite falling for the old Lucy-holding-the-football trick once again, fans still believe. Of course, plenty of people still believe Bill Gates is giving away money for forwarding email. No, it's just the same old, same old; the promise of a big hunk of fresh cheese and the reality of a giant mousetrap snapping down on our necks in a trap sprung by God.

Game 7 unlucky number for Cleveland teams

Some Cleveland traditions -- Stadium Mustard. Polka. The St. Patrick's Day parade. The Rib Cook-Off. Losing the deciding game of a playoff series.

The history of both the Cavs and Indians is replete with losses in the deciding game of a playoff series, some legendary, most just lethargic. Of course, the Loch Ness Monter has been seen more often in the past few years than a playoff finale for a Cleveland team, so most of our failings have been forgotten. But the psychic wounds run deep.

The Cavs are 3-4 all-time in the grand finale of playoff series, which in the annals of Cleveland sports is good enough to shout about from atop Terminal Tower. The Indians have nothing glorious to say, with three losses in three tries in the final game of a series.

2001: Roberto Alomar hits into two double plays and is accused of tanking as the Mariners defeat the Indians, 3-1, in Game 5 of the ALDS to complete a comeback from down 2 games to 1.

1999: Pedro Martinez strolls out of the bullpen and shuts up the Jacobs Field crowd with six innings of shutout baseball in the Red Sox's 12-8 victory in the deciding Game 5 of the NLDS.

1997: Jose Mesa makes the Indians the first team to lose a World Series when taking a lead to the bottom of the 9th of Game 7 by blowing the save -- Tribe loses 3-2 in 11 innings.

1993: Cavs go the distance against the New Jersey Nets in the first round, winning Game 5 99-89 to take the best-of-5 series. They then get swept by the Bulls in the second round and go 2-12 in the playoffs until this year.

1992: The Cavs become only the second Cleveland team to ever win a seventh game, beating the Celtics 122-104 at home in the finale of the Eastern Conference semifinals. But the Bulls are waiting and stomp the Cavs in six games en route to the title.

1990: Charles Barkley gives Craig Ehlo a nice thud in lane as the 76ers win Game 5 in Philly, 113-97, to take the best-of-5 series.

1989: The Shot. 'Nuff said.

1988: Michael Jordan and the Bulls begin their mastery of the Cavs by taking their first-round, best-of-5 series with a 107-101 home victory in Game 5.

1977: Back when first-round series were best-of-3 affairs, Cleveland couldn't even win one of those. The then-Washington Bullets took out the Cavs in the third game, 104-98.

1976: The Miracle of Richfield. The Cavs won Game 7 against the Bullets, 87-85, to take the series -- it's a miracle!!!

So don't be surprised if by tomorrow morning, once again we are waiting for next year. After all, aren't we always?

Believing it before we see it

What the heck were we thinking? Did we all forget where we live?

Believing it before we see it

In the first game of the 1988 World Series, Kirk Gibson limped to the plate in the bottom of the ninth for the Los Angeles Dodgers and hit a game-winning home run off Dennis Eckersley. Announcer Jack Buck famously proclaimed, "I don't believe what I just saw." Too often we haven't been able to believe what we just saw happen to our teams. As in every single year for the past 41.

But by 7 a.m. this morning, the news vans were already lined up along East 4th and Huron, right in front of The Q. More were sure to follow. Front and center, The Plain Dealer asked, "Are you ready to believe?"

And for some reason, we are.

For some reason, despite believing just before Brian Sipe threw the ball into Mike Davis' hands, we are ready to believe.

For some reason, despite believing when John Elway stood under center on his own 2-yard line with less than two minutes to play, we are ready to believe.

For some reason, despite believing when Earnest Byner ran to the 4 and then the 3 and then the 2, we are ready to believe again.

For some reason, despite believing when the Bulls inbounded the ball to Michael Jordan with less than 3 seconds left down by a point, we are ready to believe again.

For some reason, despite believing when Jose Mesa took the mound in the bottom of the ninth of Game 7, we are ready to believe again.

For some reason, despite believing just before Grady Sizemore lost a fly ball in the sun in Kansas City, we are ready to believe again.

For some reason.

But tonight we might finally be able to be happy about what we are about to see. Tonight, even though this is Cleveland, it may very well be the other team moaning, "I don't believe what I just saw."

Lit up like Vegas

On the day he was drafted, LeBron James promised he would "light Cleveland up like Las Vegas." On Friday, he delivers on that promise.

In what has the potential to be this city's greatest sporting event since the Browns' 1964 NFL Championship, LeBron and his Cavaliers can eliminate the Detroit Pistons from the playoffs tonight at The Q. Two weeks ago we really were just happy to be here. Now we are believers.

The Greatest Moment in Jacobs Field History already happened, more than 10 years ago. The Greatest Moment in Q History might happen Friday night.

Way back in 1995, when the Indians made the playoffs for the first time since before we began sending things into outer space, we witnessed The Greatest Moment in Jacobs Field History and this city's top sporting moment in the 40-plus years since the Browns' title. In the first game of the first playoff series the Indians had played in since 1954, Tony Pena hit a walk-off home run in the bottom of the 13th at 2:17 a.m. in front of a sellout crowd of 44,218 people, most of whom were still in the building. Two years and 12 hours before, there might not have been 44,218 people in all of downtown Cleveland.

The home run towers over two World Series appearances, the return of the Browns in 1999, all our named sporting disasters, everything since that 1964 championship. It delivered on a promise and promised its own run of greatness. It is and will always be the Greatest Moment in Jacobs Field History because of both the anticipation and the outcome, something we had waited more than 40 years for, and something that delivered like Santa on Christmas Eve. By the 1997 World Series, our expectations ran higher than the July temperature, taking some of the fun away and making us all more miserable when the Florida Marlins won. By the late 1990s and into the turn of the century, we became all the more bitter when the Indians could not turn in more once-in-a-generation performances.

But now -- NOW -- we have a moment to rival the anticipation of that Oct. 3, 1995 playoff game. And if for just one night God stops hating Cleveland sports, we will have a moment to rival the delivery as well. LeBron is the promise the Cavs made to the fans on May 22, 2003, when they won the draft lottery. The Cavs have a chance to provide The Q's seminal moment Friday, its Tony Pena moment, a night where they both deliver on a promise and promise more to come. Even though a victory over the Pistons won't be a championship or even a ticket TO the championship, it could very well become The Greatest Moment in Q History for what it represents: Rebirth. Revival. Resilience. Renewal.

Of course, the Pistons have been behind 3 games to 2 in three other playoff series three times over the past two seasons. They won all three series. So the rational part of Clevelanders is thinking this is all a setup, just another one of Lucy's promises to hold the football while we kick it, only to laugh at us for believing her once again.

But we're still going to light up the town. And whatever God has in store for us, like Job we're going to take it.

A bold prediction

If Detroit Pistons forward Rasheed Wallace wants to wrest the mantle of World's Greatest Psychic away from Sylvia Browne, he's going to have to do a lot more than predict that the Cavs aren't going to win a playoff series. The NBA world is agog with word of the latest "guarant-Sheed," in which Wallace apparently turned into a burning bush and said, "(Game 4) will be the last game played in this building this year."

WOW! Rasheed Wallace has declared that a Cleveland team will lose a playoff series, which is one step removed from predicting that he will put his right shoe on his right foot before tonight's Game 4 begins. Apparently, Wallace has made three other "guarant-Sheeds," all of which came true. They were, in order of greatness:

"Water will come out of this faucet when I turn this handle," he told his high school girlfriend in 1991.

"When I throw this ball up in the air, watch, and it will come right back down to me," he told an amazed 5-year-old before the first game of the NBA Finals two years ago.

"That 'Emily's Reasons Why Not' show ain't gonna last three episodes," he told Rip Hamilton while watching the NFL playoffs.

Wallace's prediction is so amazing that every single Plain Dealer writer picked the Pistons to win this series in five games, as did three of five ESPN.com writers. Those picks were made more than a week ago.

If Rasheed Wallace really wanted to be remembered, he would have predicted that this is the week the Indians get healthy. After all, the Royals (10-25) and Pirates (11-27) own the two worst records in baseball. They're here for seven games. The Tribe could very well be 24-21 in a week, the skies will clear, the sun will shine, and Cleveland will rejoice in a summer on the shores of Lake Erie. Or it could be football season.

But Wallace would rather be right than be remembered, so he will have none of that. Not when the Royals (5-1 against the Tribe, 5-24 against the rest of baseball) are part of the problem, not part of the solution. Not when Wallace's Detroit brethren, the Tigers, just completed their first sweep in Cleveland since Len Barker's perfect game, errrrrrrrrrrrrr, 1990. Not when six straight losses have sent the Indians sinking into the quicksand of the 2006 season; they've dropped to fourth, closer to last place (5½ games) than to first (8 games).

There's someone much more omniscient than Rasheed Wallace who's been making predictions about Cleveland sports for the past 40-plus years. His name is God, and every year he makes the same pick -- you lose.

Mission even more impossible

Good morning, Mr. James. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, involves defeating the best team in the NBA in four of the next five games. They have been designated as "The Pistons." You will be aided by several teammates, none of whom is especially adept at playing defense. One of those players, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, may be MIA. You must find him, using techniques such as the pick and roll and the entry pass.

Iit is essential that more than one of your teammates be able to make an outside shot. Allowing Larry Hughes and Flip Murray to shoot 3-pointers all day leads to certain disaster. Only by driving to the basket and playing strong defense can a team advance past the first round of the NBA playoffs.

You'll have 48 minutes per game in which to defeat "The Pistons." You will be playing at The Q for the next two games, the first of which will be Saturday afternoon. As always, should any member of your team shoot poorly, foul out, or fumble a ball into the end zone at the end of the game, the fans will go into a panic and remember your actions for all time. And Mr. James, this message will self-destruct in five playoff games -- probably less.

A Royal mess

The Kansas City Royals have just completed their first sweep of the season, at the expense of our Indians, and everyone's surprised. But really, the surprise is just why the heck is everyone surprised?

No one's noticed, but Kansas City has turned into a veritable Bratislava for the Tribe. They go in search of good times, easy wins against the league's doormat, and hot women. Intead, they find themselves tortured, mutilated, and shot.

Here's what's happened to the Tribe in their recent trips to BratislavaKansas City:

Five straight losses to the Royals in 2006.

Grady Sizemore lost fly ball in the sun in final game of 2005, costing Indians a possible win and sending them on a weeklong slide to end the year.

Pitcher Kyle Denny shot in leg by stray bullet on bus ride to team hostelhotel after a game at end of 2004 season.

It's almost as if a Dutch businessman has arranged the Tribe's travel plans and a German doctor is treating their injuries.

Now the Indians come back home with a losing record and hopefully a half-dozen new pitchers.

If the Tribe isn't careful, fans won't be showing up for much more torture after this homestand. We've seen it way too many times. The Indians are 17-18, 7 games behind the White Sox and already 4½ behind this weekend's foe, the Detroit Tigers, for the wild-card spot. That's only one game ahead of both the 2005 and 2004 pace after 35 games. And each of the past two seasons, the Indians' frantic dash to the finish was as successful as a coed dashing away from Michael Myers. More of the same just won't fly, especially with the Cavs season almost over and the Tribe most likely all alone on the Cleveland sports stage in less than a week.

Go west, old man

Trent Dilfer, we hardly knew ye. Thank goodness.

In a Rube Goldbergian exchange, the Browns have now turned the No. 3 pick in the 2001 NFL draft into Ken Dorsey and a 2007 seventh-round draft pick. It worked out this way because in 2001 the Browns selected Gerard Warren with the third overall pick, then traded Warren to the Broncos last year for a 2005 fourth-rounder, which they sent to the Seattle Seahawks for Dilfer. Now, Dilfer goes to the San Francisco 49ers for QB Ken Dorsey and a seventh-rounder next year.

Like the American dollar against the Euro, the exchange rate gets worse and worse for the Browns. Keep that in mind if the Browns wind up with a new set of goalposts at their training facility and Ken Dorsey is nowhere to be found. That might very well be the most the Browns can get if they try to flip Dorsey.

Looks like the Browns have indeed hitched the wagon to Charlie Frye. But don't be surprised if Dorsey starts a few games for the Browns this year. He's a perfect Cleveland quarterback, at least based on who's stood behind center for the past decade. Dorsey's played in 12 games with the 49ers over the past two seasons and completed eight touchdown passes while throwing 11 interceptions. That mediocrity is right in line with every Browns QB since 1992, who have combined to throw 207 touchdowns and 207 interceptions. Perfect balance!

Really, we've been living with Ken Dorseys at quarterback for the past 11 seasons, since before Art Modell even thought of leaving town. Just take a look at the main contributers for each year since 1992:

1992
Mike Tomczak, 211 pass attempts, 7 TD, 7 INT
Bernie Kosar, 155 pass attempts, 8 TD, 7 INT

1993
Vinny Testaverde, 230 pass attempts, 14 TD, 9 INT
Bernie Kosar, 138 pass attempts, 5 TD, 3 INT
Todd Philcox, 108 pass attempts, 4 TD, 7 INT

1994
Vinny Testaverde, 376 pass attempts, 16 TD, 18 INT
Mark Rypien, 128 pass attempts, 4 TD, 3 INT

1995
Vinny Testaverde, 392 pass attempts, 17 TD, 10 INT
Eric Zeier, 161 pass attempts, 4 TD, 9 INT

1999
Tim Couch, 399 pass attempts, 15 TD, 13 INT
Ty Detmer, 91 pass attempts, 4 TD, 2 INT

2000
Tim Couch, 215 pass attempts, 7 TD, 9 INT
Doug Pederson, 210 pass attempts, 2 TD, 8 INT

2001
Tim Couch, 454 pass attempts, 17 TD, 21 INT

2002
Tim Couch, 443 pass attempts, 18 TD, 18 INT
Kelly Holcomb, 106 pass attempts, 8 TD, 4 INT
2003
Kelly Holcomb, 302 pass attempts, 10 TD, 12 INT
Tim Couch, 203 pass attempts, 7 TD, 6 INT

2004
Jeff Garcia, 252 pass attempts, 10 TD, 9 INT
Luke McCown, 98 pass attempts, 4 TD, 7 INT
Kelly Holcomb, 87 pass attempts, 7 TD, 5 INT

2005
Trent Dilfer, 333 pass attempts, 11 TD, 12 INT
Charlie Frye, 164 pass attempts, 4 TD, 6 INT

Perhaps it's time for the Browns to walk away from the veteran-QB-holding-down-the-fort school of thought. Ty Detmer, Doug Pederson, Jeff Garcia, and Trent Dilfer have been just plain rotten in that role; if they pass anything other than the salt for the rest of their lives, some coach is going to have some explaining to do.

And if Charlie Frye becomes a Ken Dorsey, so will whoever becomes the NEXT new Browns brain trust.

Can I get a

WITNESS?

Many unhappy returns

Today if Mike Hargrove replaces Ozzie Guillen as manager of the Chicago White Sox, don't be surprised.If John Hart drops in on batting practice, cell phone glued to ear, and says he's trying to swing a deal as GM of the ChiSox, don't be alarmed. If Dick Jacobs brings a bagful of cash to home plate, shakes hands with Jerry Reinsdorf, and buys the White Sox, act normal.

Chicago fans will. After all, they're used to this.

Last night, Jim Thome returned to Jacobs Field for the first time since leaving the Tribe as a free agent following the 2002 season. He was wearing a Chicago White Sox uniform, which makes him (a) the enemy, and (b) the latest in a long line of Indians from the Jacobs Field glory days to come back to Jacobs Field wearing a Chicago White Sox uniform and beat the Indians.

The White Sox have become sort of an old folks' home for ex-Indians in recent years. Since 2001, Sandy Alomar, Kenny Lofton, Bartolo Colon, and Roberto Alomar have come back to The Jake in White Sox gear. They followed the path blazed Albert Belle in 1997, who had a worse breakup with the Tribe than Nick Lachey did with Jessia Simpson.

And of course the White Sox win just about every time one of our bygone stars returns. The rundown, in order of how bad a beatdown they performed on the Indians:

1.) Albert Belle, 6/3/97 -- After signing a five-year, $55 million contract with the White Sox, fans threw money, both real and fake, onto the field upon Albert's return. Proving that God was on his side, Albert cracked a three-run homer, went 3-for-5, led the White Sox to a 9-5 victory, and flipped off the fans.

2.) Bartolo Colon, 4/8/03 -- The Montreal Expos flipped Colon to the White Sox after obtaining him from the Tribe midway through the 2002 season. Colon ruined the Tribe's home opener in 2003 by allowing just two runs in six innings of a 5-3 victory. He didn't earn the victory, but of course, neither did the Indians.

3.) Jim Thome, 5/1/06 -- He helped the White Sox to their eighth straight victory at Jacobs Field by going 1-for-5 with an RBI single and a walk. The single came when the Indians elected to use Scott Sauerbeck to pitch to Thome with two outs and only third base occupied in the ninth, which is a bit like trying to put a fire out by dumping gasoline on it. White Sox won, 8-6.

4.) Sandy Alomar, 4/2/01 -- A bad day for Alomar in his White Sox debut, as he went 0-for-3 with a passed ball. He did reach base via walk, but was then caught stealing. No matter, White Sox still won, 7-4, and Alomar saved his homer for the next day.

5.) Roberto Alomar, 7/12/03 -- He couldn't make it as a Met after the Indians traded him, so the Mets shipped him to Chicago's South Side. This Alomar returned to The Jake for a doubleheader, and went 1-for-7 with a pair of walks on the day as the squads split.

6.) Kenny Lofton, 4/22/02 -- After leaving the Tribe for the second time, Lofton joined up with the White Sox. He went 1-for-3 with a walk and was caught stealing in his return as the White Sox lost, 4-2. Yes, that is not a misprint, the White Sox actually lost one game in which a member of the Indians made his Jacobs Field return.

And who do we have that use to play for the White Sox? Ummmmmmmmmm, how about Jeff Liefer? He hit a home run last year! No? Well, there's Rick White. Wil Cordero? OK, Ellis Burks and Bobby Howry! Take THAT, White Sox!

Hanging our bobbleheads in shame

The Indians were on ESPN, the Cavs were on TNT, but only three letters mattered.

GOD.

If God were a programming director, every night would look like last night in Cleveland. There were the Cavs on TNT, blowing a 13-point lead against the Washington Wizards and losing by 10 to even their best-of-7 first-round playoff series at two games apiece. There were the Indians on ESPN, blowing a four-run lead against the Texas Rangers and losing two out of three to finish April 4½ games behind the Chicago White Sox. And both at the exact same time.

What started as a promising weekend with wins by both the Cavs and Indians Friday night and a good day of drafting by the Browns Saturday took a turn more wicked than Dead Man's Curve. When 37,000-plus turned out for Grady Sizemore bobblehead night at Jacobs Field Saturday night -- Grady's Ladies were disappointed three times over Saturday night. Not only did the Grady bobblehead look more like the guy who bought the ticket to sit in centerfield than the guy who plays in centerfield, but it made the guy who bought the ticket to sit in centerfield look like he couldn't make it to the bathroom in time. Then the bobblehead morphed into a voodoo doll when Grady went 1-for-5 and was doubled off first base on a lineout to end the game.

Last night it got worse. The Cavs built a 13-point lead, watched it slip away by the end of the third quarter, then lost by 10. The Indians built a 4-1 lead after six innings, then watched their bullpen implode (again) in a six-run seventh as the Rangers wound up winning by four. A discriminating TV viewer could actually switch away from the Cavs game just after Antawn Jamison made his 3-pointer to give the Wizards the fourth-quarter lead and pick up the Indians game midway through the sixth-inning disaster. Welcome to the Titanic, I'm your captain, God!

At least none of the Browns draft picks has been injured. Yet.

Not so daft drafts

The Browns got their man in today's draft, linebacker Kemerion Wimbley from Florida State. He's a first-round talent who fits the Browns' needs perfectly, and Phil Savage even managed to squeeze a sixth-round draft pick out of the Baltimore Ravens while trading down and still landing Wimbley.

And here's why you shouldn't be too excited about it.

Like Indians were to Custer, so too are NFL drafts to the Cleveland Browns. The only difference is no draft is ever the last stand for our Browns. Instead, they live to play again another year only to get massacred again.

Since their return to the NFL, the Browns have selected 67 players in the draft. Not one has made the Pro Bowl, either for the Browns or any other team. Starting with Tim Couch, the first pick of the 1999 draft, Browns drafts have been littered with, well, litter.

Actually, since Bernie Kosar manipulated his way to the Browns through the 1985 supplemental draft, they've struck out in the first round more often than Russell Branyan. Here's a ranking of the Browns' first-round draft picks over the last two decades, from worst to, well, not worst:

1) Craig Powell (1995) -- Foreshadowing the impending implosion of the Browns via their move to Baltimore after the season, then-coach Bill Belichick famously panicked when the New York Jets selected Belichick's man-crush, Kyle Brady, just before the Browns picked 10th. Belichick traded with San Francisco to move to the end of the first round, where he selected Powell, who tore up his knee halfway through his rookie season and played 12 games. Then, after the Browns moved to Baltimore the next year, the Ravens used the pick Belichick received from San Francisco to pick Ray Lewis, who led the Ravens to the most disgusting Super Bowl victory in Browns history.

2) Mike Junkin (1987) -- The Browns traded Chip Banks to the San Diego Chargers in order to move up and select the "mad dog in a meat market" fifth overall. Rivaling Pamela Anderson for bust size, Junkin played two seasons for the Browns and one for the Kansas City Chiefs before moving on to his life's work.

3.) Tim Couch (1999) -- Beaten around like a demolition derby car for five years before spending the last two seasons wandering around the NFL in search of a job like Caine in Kung Fu. Incredibly, Couch cracks ESPN.com's list of the worst 100 draft picks ever, but only makes it to third on the Browns own list. t least he married a Playboy centerfold!

4.) Clifford Charlton (1998) -- The Browns "fixed" the Junkin mistake by taking Charlton 21st, but like Junkin, Charlton lasted just two years with the Browns.

5.) William Green (2002) -- Like a bad rash, William Green just won't go away. He's still on the Browns because no one will trade for him.

6.) Touchdown Tommy Vardell (1992) -- Blame current Arizona Cardinals coach Dennis Green for this. As coach at Stanford in 1990, he gave Vardell the "Touchdown Tommy" nickname after four 1-yard touchdown plunges in a 36-31 victory over Notre Dame. That was one more touchdown than he scored in four years with the Browns.

7.) Kellen Winslow (2004) -- There were a couple games that Kellen Winslow actually played in. He broke his leg in one of them. Then he played Evel Knievel on his motorcycle, right down to the broken body. The Browns expect him to play a big role on the team in 2006, which is kind of like expecting the hole in the center of a doughnut to fill you up.

8 (tie). Courtney Brown (2000) and Gerard Warren (2001) -- Interchangeable, even so far as they both moved to the Denver Broncos prior to the 2005 season and helped them to the AFC Championship game, after underachieving for the Browns.

10.) No pick (1990) -- It was traded away, meaning the Browns couldn't embarrass themselves.

11. Jeff Faine (2003) -- Ended each of the last three seasons on the injured list, most likely will start the next one on another team.

12.) Eric Turner (1991) -- The safety made the Pro Bowl in 1994, but played just one more year with the Browns. Tragically died of cancer after the 1999 season with the Oakland Raiders.

13.) Antonio Langham (1994) -- one of the Browns better first-round picks of the last 20 years simply by not sucking.

14.) Eric Metcalf (1989) -- Good on kick returns, not good on runs up the middle.

15.) Braylon Edwards (2005) -- Displayed perfect Cleveland form by tearing up his knee midway through his first season. Optimists say he'll be ready by training camp; Clevelanders say don't count on a thing from Edwards for 2006.

15.) Steve Everitt (1993) -- The Browns finally scored, using the 14th overall pick, drafting a hard-working, long-haired offensive lineman who took to the Cleveland ethic like a dog to a bone. Everitt forever lives on in the hearts of Clevelanders for wearing a Browns bandanna on the Ravens sidelines during their first exhibition game. Presumably told Art Modell to F-off when Everitt left the Ravens to join the Philadelphia Eagles after the 1997 season. Of course, no one has drafted a center as high as No. 14 since.

If Kamerion Wimbley were to turn on ESPN, see that he was drafted by the Browns, and immediately retire, we'd understand. And so would God. For now, we can only hope that Kamerion settles in as the 16th least-sucky Browns pick of the last two decades.

Witness to the persecution

This is what you can do when you leave a Cleveland team -- hit a home run to beat the Indians, then point to the heavens to thank God.

Can't do that if you're an Indian, a Cavalier, or a Brown, and you especially couldn't do it if you were and Indian or a Cavalier last night. But Manny Ramirez, since he is now a Boston Red Sock, can point skyward and praise The Big Man all he wants. He can even do it at home plate at Jacobs Field after hitting a three-run homer to lead his team to an 8-6 win over the Indians. And to think, just the other day Manny became just the fourth player in MLB history to hit 200 homers with two different teams. Last night's blow was his 202nd as a Red Sox; he hit 236 with the Tribe.

Right next door, plenty of Washington Wizards could raise their fingers skyward, because they erased the euphoria of the first Cleveland sports team playoff victory in 4½ years with an 89-84 victory over the Cavs. Thanks to 10 turnovers, 7-of-25 shooting, and a missed dunk, King James found out that God is at least a couple of pay grades higher.

All the witnesses who thought LeBron's triple-double in his playoff debut Saturday would propel the Cavs to an easy series victory over the Wizards can now join the millions of other Cleveland sports witnesses -- you know, the ones who witnessed Ron Harper get traded for Danny Ferry, the ones who witnessed the Browns move to Baltimore, the ones who witnessed Jose Mesa's World Series meltdown.

The Indians are now a .500 team and the Cavs have given up home-court advantage against a team that both won the regular-season series against them and overcame a 2-0 deficit in the first round last season. This falls right in line with what we've witnessed in the past. And usually when we do, we're shaking our fists at the sky instead of pointing our fingers.

The Miracle

of The Q?

You have to wonder, if the Cavs win this playoff series against Washington, what are we going to name it?

Thirty years ago today the Cavs were playing host at Richfield Coliseum to Game 5 of the first playoff series in team history. That series was also against Washington, at that time known as the Bullets. The Cavs won that day, 92-91, their second one-point win of the series. A week later the Cavs won by two on a Dick Snyder bank shot with four seconds left to take the series in seven games. They called it a miracle.

Yes, 30 years ago today the Cavs were right in the middle of the Miracle of Richfield run against this very same Washington team. The Cavs actually finished that year with a better record than Washington -- 49 wins to 48 -- and had the third-best record in all of the NBA, behind only Golden State and Boston. But this is Cleveland, so for the Cavs to beat a team with a worse record in the playoff was most definitely a miracle.

Perhaps now the miracle will be for the Cavs to overcome the Sports Illustrated jinx, as LeBron James is featured on the current cover and is the centerpiece story for the magazine's NBA preview. The Wizards are the most fitting matchup for the Cavs, since among possible playoff opponenets, only the Pistons have given the Cavs as much trouble as the Wizards. The Cavs are 1-3 against both the Wizards and Pistons, and 14-6 combined against every other Eastern Conference playoff team.

And the Cavs probable opponent if they repeat the Miracle of Richfield and beat Washington? The Pistons.

The best thing about the Miracle of Richfield is that the Cavs ONLY WON THE FREAKING FIRST ROUND! After beating Washington, Boston took out the Cavs in six games in the Eastern Conference finals. Many say that if Jim Chones had not broke his foot, the Cavs would have won, which is almost like saying if the Cavs played in any other city than Cleveland, they would have won.

So just keep in mind as the LeBron James playoff era begins that the last time the Cavs played Washington in a playoff series in which the Cavs had the better record, it was a miracle when the Cleveland team won. And that was BEFORE John Elway, Michael Jordan, or Edgar Renteria. Even before Red Right 88. Our sports egos hadn't even been crushed by the mid-70s, just beaten down a bit from a decade of mediocrity from our teams. Still, when we actually had a good team -- a BETTER team based on records -- it required a miracle for the team to win anything.

A good week to be Brandon Phillips

By the time you read this, former Indians prospect Brandon Phillips may very well have stopped global warming, rebuilt the World Trade Center, discovered an easily tapped reserve of oil, and defeated Chuck Norris in a fight. And by the time you're reading THIS, Indians GM Mark Shapiro has pulled the covers up that much farther over his head as he tries to avoid hearing what else Brandon Phillips has done.

Brandon Phillips has most likely done all these things by the time you read this because right now, as in while this is being typed, Brandon Phillips has hit a grand slam, a two-run homer, and driven in six runs for the Reds against the Brewers. The game is only half over. So that means in half a game, being played right now (or last night for you), Brandon Phillips has two HRs and six RBI.

Meanwhile, Cleveland Indians utility infielder Ramon Vazquez also has six RBI -- since the beginning of the 2005 season. And he has one HR -- since the beginning of the 2004 season. Brandon Phillips has now driven in 13 runs in his last four games. Ramon Vazquez drove in 13 runs -- in 2004.

Brandon Phillips, of course, was the centerpiece of the Bartolo Colon trade three seasons ago, the trade that also brought Grady Sizemore and Cliff Lee to the Indians. No one's complaining about that trade. But Brandon Phillips struggled and never lived up to his prospect hype, forcing the Indians' hand this year when they couldn't send him back to the minors without subjecting him to waivers. Still, they weren't exactly presented with Sophie's choice when deciding to keep either Brandon Phillips or Ramon Vazquez. Rather than look at talent, though, the Indians allowed attitude to dictate which player they would trade. Brandon Phillips supposedly would not have taken well to a bench role, while Ramon Vazquez knows his place is on the bench and is very happy to sit there. So the Indians sold Brandon Phillips to the Reds.

Now, Brandon Phillips is taking over second base for the Reds. Now, Brandon Phillips has a good attitude and would even play outfield for the Reds. Now, Brandon Phillips gets a little dig in at Mark Shapiro, other than his two-homer game and his 13-RBI week.

It hasn't been a good week for the Indians, who have given up 27 runs their last two games, lost three of four, and seen two pitchers hit the disabled list. But it's been a good week to be Brandon Phillips, and an even better week to be God.

WORST week ever

If the pitching mound had turned into quicksand and swallowed Indians pitchers one by one, no one would have thought it a more disastrous outcome than what actually happened at Camden Yards last night.

As it was, Tribe pitchers merely exploded. First, ineffectiveness claimed Jake Westbrook; he couldn't get the last out he needed before completing giving away a four-run, fifth-inning lead. Then a strained elbow took out Matt Miller. Moments after replacing Miller, Rafael Betancourt succumbed to a back strain. Surprisingly, Jason Davis took the mound without asking for Barry Bonds' leftover body armor. Even Bartolo Colon, years removed from the Tribe and a coast away, couldn't escape the Indians taint last night, going onto the disabled list with a shoulder problem.

When the smoke settled and the M*A*S*H unit cleared out, in classic do-unto-others-as-you-would-have-them-do-unto-you fashion, the Baltimore Orioles did it right back to the Indians last night. A day after the Indians rolled to a 15-1 victory, the Orioles put up double digits in an 18-9 victory, karmically outscoring the Tribe 15-2 from the bottom of the fifth on.

Some people mow the lawn once a week; the Indians put a pitcher on the disabled list. Miller has already hit the DL, He could be there awhile, as a strained elbow sidelined him for most of last season. He joins C.C. Sabathia and Fernando Cabrera on a list that's becoming more crowded than the upper deck in right field at The Jake. And don't start thinking the cavalry will come stampeding over the hill with a fresh shipment of arms. Replacement names being bandied about include a guy who has spent most of the past three years injured (Steve Karsay), a guy who was a first-round bust (Jeremy Guthrie), a guy with a 7.02 ERA in Akron (Rafael Perez), and a guy who has never pitched in the majors (Andrew Brown). But at least Andrew Brown's from Chardon!

Within the space of the week, the Indians have lost two games in which they've scored nine runs and lost one game in which they allowed just one run. They've lost three pitchers to injury. And they've lost first place to the White Sox, who are suddenly a game ahead. When they wind up three games behind Chicago at the end of the season, remember this week. God sure will.

Masochists line up

for playoff tickets

If yesterday was a playoff preview, the Cavs might as well wait another seven years before they make the postseason.

The Cavs' 104-92 loss to the Washington Wizards yesterday could be explained away by the fact that the Cavs rested their starters for the fourth quarter. Except that the starters found themselves in a 26-point hole before the fourth quarter ever began. And except that Washington won three out of four against the Cavs this season by similar scores. And except that of all the Cavs' potential first-round playoff foes, the Wizards have given the Cavs the most trouble.

Really though, Wizards @ Cavs for the first round of the playoffs isn't something that only Nostradamus could predict. Washington has had little trouble with the Cavs during the LeBron era, winning seven of 11 matchups since King James entered the league. With the Wizards staring the Cavs in the face for the first round and a match with the league-best Detroit Pistons looming in the second round, the Cavs playoff trail is now looking tougher than a burnt steak.

So, masochists of Cleveland, queue up for your playoff tickets today. We don't know when the game is yet, and we don't know who it will be against yet. But we do know that God hates Cleveland sports, especially in the playoffs. Be prepared.

A Clevelandsugar crash

Just as the person who drinks an extra Starbucks grande every morning faces the inevitable sugar crash, so too did Cleveland fans after gorging on a sweetened sports scene the last few weeks. And crash we did last night.

First, old friend Richie Sexson blasted a grand slam that also knocked the Indians' six-game winning streak out of the park. Then the Cavs could only score 29 points by halftime in a statement game against the league-best Detroit Pistons. THEN LeBron James went limping into the locker room in the third quarter.

Apparently God became a little perturbed by our lack of faith. YES, he exists, and YES, he still hates Cleveland sports. Pistons 96, Cavs 73 and Mariners 11, Indians 9 is His little reminder of that.

LeBron will probably sit out tonight's game against the Knicks, making TNT very unhappy. But he says the injury isn't serious. Sure, tell that to every Clevelander who's watched playoff dreams crumble like the walls of Jericho for the last 40 years. The real upset would be if doctors don't discover a hairline fracture in LeBron's foot when they study the x-rays today.

Really, this is the doomsday scenario everyone's been waiting for. A week before the playoffs, in a game that doesn't really mean anything, superstar-of-a-generation and MVP candidate LeBron James goes down with an injury. Diagnosis: out for the playoffs. We haven't reached that step yet, but right now we're holding our collective breath as if we just saw LeBron climb on a motorcycle in a Westlake parking lot.

It appears our pride got the best of us, and God stepped in. Tonight, one king -- King James -- will be sitting in a natty suit on the sidelines, biting his fingernails, and missing a battle with the Knicks. Just a Tiger Woods drive away, another king -- King Felix Hernandez of the Mariners -- will be missing Indians bats with an assortment of pitches that draws comparisons to a young Dwight Gooden. It's certainly possible that Hernandez, who turned 20 less than one week ago, stifles the Indians bats and gives the Mariners a series victory over the Tribe.

Possible? Make that probable. This is Cleveland, and this is the sports scene, and God only has to look downtown to see two of the teams he hates in action at the same time. The sugar crash is here.

Risky offseason trade
now burnt to a crisp

This is just getting out of hand. Now David Riske is following Coco Crisp to the disabled list.

Not only are the Indians in first place for the first time since 2002, not only are the Cavs as the hottest team in the NBA and heading to playoffs for the first time since The X-Files was the hottest show on TV, not only is Vince Young visiting the Browns just in case he slides to 12th in the draft, but now we're looking like like the best traders since Peter Minuit gave up just $24 to get Manhattan Island.

Watch out, before long someone's going to tell you Jason Michaels is hitting over .300 and Guillermo Mota hasn't given up a run.

As long as it's not God whispering any of that in your ear, you might be OK. But right now, either the Big Guy's on vacation, or He actually is Buddha, and it's just taken 40 years for karma to make come north.