Thursday, September 13, 2007


Oh, no, Ocho

Browns fans, your honor is at stake.

Last week, your arch-rivals from Pittsburgh came to town and left with your wives, your girlfriends, your children -- basically everything that wasn't nailed down. Heck, they basically left with your former starting quarterback.

Now Cincinnati Bengal wants what's left. He wants the Dawg Pound.

Known for his flamboyant celebrations, sometimes mohawk, and 42 career touchdowns, tell-all Chad has a special one planned for his team's game at Clevland Browns Stadium. He wants to bring the Lambeau Leap to the Dawg Pound.

"I hope I get in there," he said. "They can give me some popcorn -- throw some beers at me - whatever they want to do. I'm going to jump in the Dawg Pound. It should be fun. It would be a first."
That's right. Good ole Ocho Cinco plans to toss his No. 85-clad body INTO THE DAWG POUND if he scores a touchdown at that end of the field.

The Dawg Pound. That sacred place where true Browns fans congregate to dress like extras from The Hills Have Eyes 2, root on their Browns, get drunk, scream obscenities, fight, and pee without actually going to the bathroom.

The Dawg Pound. The true representation of Cleveland football. The true identity of the Cleveland Browns, harkening back to Frank Minnifield and Hanford Dixon. It's where Big Dawg John Thompson became a minor celebrity, where Bone Lady holds court, where Charlie's Fryes root on their favorite quarterback.

It's what makes Cleveland Browns football Cleveland Browns football. Just say Dawg Pound within earshot of football fans, and they'll know exactly what you're talking about. Well, unless they're wearing a Michael Vick jersey.

And now Chad Johnson wants to invade.

Look, Browns fans, five straight double-digit losses to Pittsburgh are humiliating. Seven straight losses within the division are humiliating. Appointing Charlie Frye your starting quarterback and then trading him after he plays for a quarter and a half is humiliating. Right now, just being a Cleveland Browns fan is humiliating.

But right now it's time to draw the line. Do whatever is needed to keep Chad Johnson from leaping into the Dawg Pound. It's up to you, Browns fans, because Browns players don't seem capable. Put a brick wall up in front of the Pound, raise a giant net, dig a moat between the end zone and the stands, bring a few guard dawgs from home to guard you. Do whatever it takes to keep Chad Johnson from taking away the last thing we have to be proud of.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I hope he does...then at least a Bengals player will know what it feels like to be embraced by REAL NFL fans...Ocho is a tool!! The league already has more than enough T.O.-wannabe-players, but I guess if it acts like a monkey, sounds like a monkey, eats its own poop like a monkey, well then, let the tool have his banana. (to the monkeys at the Cleve/Akron zoos..sorry I meant no disrespect)

Dawg Pounders....dont let us down -- should he land in your lap...there's a price to be paid for dissing us in our own backyard!! WOOF!!

Kerplunk38 said...

I figure the best place to get him is in the throat. Get a nice choke hold on the SOB. Make us pround to be Browns Fans. Pounders - get him good.

Anonymous said...

its a good thing the face of the dawg pound (big dawg) and his loser friend were practically making out with chad johnson before the game....then protecting him when he made the leap. that made me sick

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